Friday 30th August 2013

The episode leaps to an insipid beginning with Dexter berating Jay and then Lola telling Peter he should have told people about getting the person we've never heard about killed.

Jean is sitting on the bench in the centre of the Square... GRIPPING!

Billy Idiot lives up to his namesake by being surprised that Gold Digger isn't returning his calls.

It seems the holiday is over, what with the stolen money... and then Peter makes Lola feel better by talking more about the person who died. Lola being a teenage mother gives her insight into losing a teenage son, you see!

Jean has gone missing!

Dextah has decided the gang need to join up to find the money...

Jean is all upset about her relationship being over - even though she's just assuming it's over.

Everyone tries to play Columbo but they finally decide that the guy who bought the car stole the money. They then decide that even Dextah, Peter and Jay are no match for a friend of the mighty King Phil and decide to kidnap his daughter. No. Seriously, that's their plan. Until Abi speaks up.

Ollie has returned! Yawn.

Abi's plan is to get the tavern wench to text her father! Which results in him turning up and leaving the keys in the car, so that Jay can steal it WITHOUT breaking the window (that was handy!)... oh but the car won't start because hey, why NOT add another cliche? Oh but that was just to generate false tension because as soon as Dextah jumps in - it starts just in the nick of time. If anything, it's a miracle they don't have the father shaking his fist at them. Thank goodness the camping trip is over.

Billy Idiot's gold digger blows him off and he actually - having been told several times and seen all the signs - finally manages to put it together. What an idiot.

Ollie is OK with Jean being bipolar.

Da yoooooooooooooofffffffffffffffff return but King Phil is not happy.

Billy Idiot admits to Kim what a pathetic joke he is.

King Phil is not best pleased with Dextah

It seems Jean is having one of her manic episodes and Ollie is concerned. This upsets Jean.

Abi and Jay drama. Yawn.

King Phil wants to know who has his money. He's not too happy about not having it and goes all scary on Dextah to get the point across.

In yet another shocking plot twist, who should have the money but shifty Cyndi 2... Real M. Night Shymalan stuff there.

Thursday 29th August 2013

Dexter and da rest of da yooooooooouuuuuf are in a panic about the money... yawn.

Alfie pries Jean from Ollie because she's gone a bit mental.

Abi goes to retrieve the money to assuage the concern of Dexter but ohoh! No money. Dexter is not too happy.

Billy Idiot continues to be enticed by woman of stunningly average looks. She seems impressed by his flashing of cash.

Abi manages to go all Columbo and work out  that only the feckless group of them knew there was money in the caravan.

Alfie reassures Poxy that he doesn't love Kat anymore... why is she JUST worrying about this now?

Cyndi 2 is the natural target for accusation and she then strops off. Then everyone shows they aren't so much teenagers but school children as the predictable blame game ensues.

Billy Idiot's incredibly average looking lady friend turns out to be a gold digger! WHAT A SURPRISE! Who could have seen that coming? Kim isn't too happy and tells 'er to sling 'er 'ook.

Abi and Jay continue to fret over her pregnancy. Yawn.

Jean remains unconvinced by the double threat of Alfie and Poxy, seemingly resigned to DCI The Bill never returning rather than just telling him the truth.

Abi isn't preggers but she and Jay are still at odds.

Cyndi 2 tries to cheer up Dexter but her idea is that the tavern wench stole it and Dexter points out he was with her the whole time.

Billy Idiot and Kim have a most improbable exchange, where the Idiot tells the other idiot that they've forgotten how to have fun... Kim was drunk on the job just a few days ago and pretending that she's somehow abstaining from the simple pleasures because of hard work is like saying a fish in the sea needs to practice its swimming more.

Dexter tells Abi to buck her ideas up and get back together with Jay but when she tries to text him, it doesn't work and he starts flirting with the tavern wench. DUN DUN DUN!

DCI The Bill turns up and Jean blurts out that she has bipolar.

Is Peter going to fess up to what happened in Devon?! He thinks he's responsible for some guy we don't know dying. Wow. Who the hell cares? Lola seems shocked by this revelation.

Abi walks in JUST as Jay and tavern wench kiss. Now there's an original outcome!

Tuesday 27th August 2013

Despite being glistening clean the other day - Dexter and Lola are cleaning the car as Abi is worrying about the absence of Jay.

Jean's mania continues!

Lola's flirting with Peter continues before she worries about Lexi and then a generic car washing scene ensues. Sigh.

Kim tells Billy Idiot he's shooting for someone out of his league... Improbably she agrees to lunch in the Vic, which leads Billy Idiot to think it's a sure thing.

Peter has been going on about Cyndi 2 (off-screen). Always good to inform people of things rather than showing them and Jay and Abi continue to be awkward!

Alfie tries to convince Poxy Jean's manic and should tell DCI The Bill.

Dexter has gotten all dressed up to impress the tavern wench. Oh, she's the daughter of the person they're selling the car to! WHAT A TWIST!

Jean's mania continues!

It seems "Bob" is getting a bit of a deal on the car... ten grand? And wasn't it only five before?

Cyndi 2 and Lola do a bit of bonding... but who cares? Then she says sorry to Peter, who isn't receptive but then Cyndi 2 alludes to... THE SECRET!

Alfie continues to fret about Jean's mania.

The car deal goes through and Dexter continues to try and woo the tavern wench.

Kim - at odds akin to winning the lottery three weeks running - says another intelligent thing in the episode by pointing out Billy Idiot isn't going to impress Tara with market tat. Then ruins it by saying he needs to buy her a gift... because buying affection is so classy. Oh but Tara approves of the shirt.

Jay and Abi angsting about her being preggers - yawn.

Lola - looking more orange than usual - continues to flirt with Peter. Yawn.

Billy Idiot is in the Vic, where he shows to Alfie what an idiot he is while trying to impress Tara.

Abi asserts her being preggers WON'T BE OK!

For reasons of idiocy, Abi gets handed the money from the car deal and has to hide it.

Something is either wrong with the universe or Tara has ulterior motives because she seems attracted to him.

Lola has noticed something is up with Abi and Jay... and everyone disperses for obvious reasons of plot convenience.

The  unlikely flirting between Tara and Billy Idiot continues... just for Kim to walk in and demand payment for looking after Lexi. Allowing Kim to look after a child should be considered a serious form of abuse.

Abi wants an abortion - DUN DUN DUN!

Dexter flirting continues!

It seems Abi's man whore of a father has given her a rather jaded impression of Jay's abilities to provide and be faithful. Quelle surprise!

Poxy invites DCI The Bill to the wedding, to whit Jean says "IF THERE IS A WEDDING!" FORESHADOWING!

Oh and the caravan has been robbed.  DUN DUN DUN!

Monday 26th August 2013

Jay and Dexter are ready to go off on their trip but Peter seems anxious because of Cyndi 2... and invites himself along on the camping trip and Cyndi 2 wants to go along but she can't.

Lola is fretting about leaving Lexi  alone... you can't blame her. Billy Idiot isn't known for his... anything.

Phil insists that nothing should go wrong but already, we've got Lola carrying along about twenty bags. Which doesn't make any sense as they're going away for two days and they're coming back on the train. Then everyone is conveniently distracted. Let's hope no one unwanted sneaks in the boot!

A scene with Jean and DCI The Bill - where he alludes to her being in a manic episode but is obviously oblivious to it.

The kids are off on their roadtrip. Oh, the excitement! Billy gets distracted by a woman of average looks going into the B&B.

Abi seems to be in a bit of a mood and dohohoh, no one has a wire to connect their phone - uh, wouldn't it be able to connect via wireless or bluetooth?

Alfie confronts Jean about her being happy and he gets around to telling her that she needs to tell DCI The Bill about her bipolar disorder.  That seems far too sensible.

The tedious car journey continues but ohoh. THEY'RE LOST! If only most cars like this had satnav! Or if only Phil had printed out a map. Fortunately, Peter is capable of working this all out in a second but then to add to the comedy hijinks the car gets stuck in the mud and if you guessed that someone got sprayed with it, you've shown how unimaginative the writers are... Lola is the victim of this cliche but Peter is on-hand to be her knight in shining armour and shows off the real reason why he was hired - his manly body... which both Abi and Lola take notice of.

Jean finally confesses... to not liking strawberries and then tells off Alfie for having the audacity to suggest she be honest.

In a plot twist that was telegraphed on  Friday, you'll never guess who was able to remain perfectly still and silent in the boot the entire time. Yup, Cyndi 2, electric boogaloo is in the New Forest with the rest of DA YOUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

The woman of average looks finds Billy Idiot in the B&B to repay Kim and she seems improbably taken with Walford's biggest loser.

Dexter is flirting with a tavern wench - goodness.

Jay tells Abi she has to go to uni but HERE COMES THE INEVITABLE PREGNANCY SCARE!

Friday 23rd August 2013

Phil walks into the caffffffffff to be threatened by Shirley - who having waited months to extort money from Phil now wants her money TODAY!

Billy Idiot is being an idiot as Lola fusses around the house.

Abi is consigned to failure despite the fact she could do resits or go to a different university.

Phil - being the kind of man who can get things done and is an economic powerhouse is frantically selling things and this means Dexter can't go on holiday. DUN DUN DUN!

Max acts like a petulant child toward Kirstie because she won't believe him about Carl and then when Carl turns up to buy a car (after Kirstie having commented he'd sold none - yeah, for about two years), Max chases him off.

Wow. Lola's social worker acting like a human being and being nice.

Phil gives Shirley a grand and she seems surprised. In another astute observation that seems a little TOO aware - she says that Phil and Grant thought they were the Cray twins... except she never even met Grant and it seems unlikely Phil would blab about his criminal dealings. To the surprise of no one, Shirley isn't impressed with the money and Phil skulks off, attracting the attention of Carl.

Dexter reveals he isn't going on holiday to his father and Jay... ONOES!

Having listened in Carl, asks Shirley about her Phil problem and after she declines to give him any meaningful answer has a little smile on his face.

Cyndi 2 is being babysat by Lucy and... Lucy is apparently friends with Lola now? Or maybe they're just united by their dislike of Cyndi 2.

Oh no, Lola can't go on the holiday either. It's all falling apart! If only anyone cared.

Carl visits Phil and says he isn't all that and a bag of chips, despite what he had previously thought. Clearly part of his plan.

Sam has a solution to Dexter's holiday disaster. Yawn.

Phil is clearly doing some dodgy deals due to desperation!

Somehow Dexter is able to persuade King Phil to allow both him AND Jay to drive the car to the New Forest... it really isn't that far.

Similarly, Sam sets Billy to getting Lola back on  the holiday.

Shirley is throwing darts very hard at a dartboard because she's angry at Phil - there's a change!

Time for Kirstie to give Lauren another pep talk!  Yawn.

Jean, has stopped listening to Shirley and is now talking to her. Oh and then Jean tells her there's someone for everyone - which leads to Shirley lashing out and saying all men are bastards, just looking for an excuse to leave you. If the woman is Shirley, then the question isn't when they'll leave, it's why they got with her. Jean leaves, rather hurt.

ANOTHER pep talk. Yawn. Billy Idiot woos Lola into going on holiday.

King Phil was in his counting house, counting all his money... which is in one of those dirt cheap hotel safes behind a picture. ORIGINAL!

The holiday is back on! Who cares?

Max shakes his fist at Carl before getting a telling off from Kirstie for neglecting his daughter. He then goes off to confront Abi about this in the Vic but as it turns out, Lauren to the rescue because she's worked out that Abi can still become a vet... something Abi should have known... honestly, if you're going that route - you might as well just do resits - it's just so unlike Eastenders to be even slightly realistic though... it's just a shame that it was used as a stupid reason for more drama.

Phil gives Shirley two grand and that seems to please her well enough. This whole debacle seems to have put him  in a mood as he tries to intimidate the ever polite Carl, who drives off very slowly in his new car. RIVETTING!

Thursday 22nd August 2013

Shirley is stalking Phil, presumably because she found out he was paying her rent.

Cyndi 2 is back to Devon before the end of the episode. Hahaha. Sure.

Shirley confronts Kim and finds out Denise knew too...

Cyndi 2 isn't wanted by Peter or Lucy but she knows about Peter's TERRRRIBLE SECRET!

Pointless Poppy catches Arfuuuuuuuuuuurrrr in a lie. DUN DUN DUN!

Shirley feels out King Phil about her rent but then after he denies it all, she just says she knows... King Phil doesn't want to discuss it in public though.

Jean is concerned about the continued carrot theft.

Abi continues to act all weird and nervous around her sister.

Cyndi 2 and Denise have a conversation, despite the fact they don't know one another. At all. Which is why Cyndi 2 tries to guilt her into talking to Ian and it seems to work.

Phil admits he might still have feelings for Shirley, that's a shock.

Lauren arranges an impromptu party for Abi.

Goodness, Shirley and Phil's problems are down to 'Ev's murder. This entire could have been cut and pasted from whenever Shirley found out.

Pointless Poppy looks set to leave Walford but is intercepted by Tamwar and Alice (who might just be on a half-day).

The tedious allotment storyline grinds on.

Poppy tells Alice about how she lost her job and how Arfuuuuuuuuuur is cheating on him. Cue Arfuuuuuuuuur walking in with a woman and Poppy storms off before Arfuuuuuur can explain that she's just a work colleague and that he's actually been secretly working back at a definitely not dangerously close to copyright infringing fast food restaurant. Who could have seen that shocking twist coming?

Lauren tells Peter he should forgive his sister and then comments how he's always been the golden boy who does no wrong. FORESHADOWING!

Cyndi 2 tries again to stay but Ian has had a long chat with her grandmother!

Pointless Poppy throws herself on Lola's mercy and then gushes to Sadie to try and get her job back and that works like a treat.

To make the allotment  plot worse, it turns out the thief is Mo.

It turns out Cyndi 2 was running away because she didn't want to move house and Ian seems to be taken by this predictable yarn of flattery and faaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeee.

Mo reminds us of what a loathsome character she is and how her absence from the screen enriches the programme, blackmailing Jean into get DCI The Bill not press charges.

Shirley and Sharon shout at one another until Denise comes in.

The surprise party is sprung on Abi who continues to act all  tense.

Denise talks some sense to Shirley about Phil and she seems to have a complete turn around on her former Phil hating ways.

Abi admits she was lying about her exam results and the puts the blame squarely on Lauren... ah, sisterly love.

Shirley walks into Phil's house (no need to lock doors in crime free Walford). She then tells Phil to think of what she's worth and then treble it. You won't get far on less than a tenner, Shirl.

Oh and despite everyone having spent the entire episode she'd be gone before the credits, guess who's staying "a few more days". Yes, it's Cyndi 2!

Tuesday 20th August 2013

Denise didn't sleep well because of her break up with Ian. Kim is on hand with supportive comments! What a great sister. Oh and then Ian calls.

Peter tells Ian not to be an idiot - sadly advice that is necessary on a daily basis in Walford. Oh and Ian seems to think proposing marriage is the answer.

The car lot has suffered some tyre slashing, just as Carl waltzes by. Max and Jack growl at him.

Shirley has some lines... that are irrelevant, as Ian comes in to try and win Denise over. Denise is glad he's shooed off by Kim but Patrick tells her she needs to deal with Ian sooner or later. Oh and Phil covering Shirley's rent is brought up but why would anyone tell Kim about that?

Pointless Poppy has not been forgiven by Lola!

Kat and Bianca are still going on about singles night. Good grief.

Lauren isn't very good at her job but fortunately she's off to her alcohol counselling but not before a package arrives! It's booze for Lauren - which Max concludes is from Carl. DUN DUN DUN!

Ian comes begging to Denise, she isn't too impressed

The fact everyone in Walford lives isolated, lonely, miserable and has hardly any social contact with people outside their immediate family or someone they despise is manifest by Bianca's inability to find someone to accompany her to singles night take two... doubly so by the fact that she and Kat are competing to find someone to go with them.

Shirley continues to wind up Shirley... but Patrick is on hand to defuse the situation. Where could this be going?

There's a shocker, the guy from last time is still loitering outside the counselling room when Lauren is there.

Tamwar and Alice are going on a date! Which is awkward!

Ian's genius plan is to get Denise back is to get his son to talk to her and shut down his business to demonstrate his desperation.

Sadie is treating Lola badly!

Denise is barraged by first Alfie and then Peter trying to fix the relationship between her and Ian. Peter bounds after her out of the Vic... this is tremendously desperate... what kind of man sends his son to sort this out?

Patrick is trying to patch things up between Shirley and Kim with ALCOHOL!

Peter has A DAAAAAAAAAARK SECRET as someone keeps calling him. Oh and Ian totally over reacts to Denise not saying no. Quelle surprise.

Sadie picks up on Lola having a bee in her bonnet and asks Pointless Poppy about it, who confesses her deception and runs out crying.

The Kat and Bianca single night take two... Feel your will to live ebb.

Denise walks into the empty restaurant and Ian's toe curling apology begins. It's awful.

Carl shows that getting a rise out of Max is easier than getting wet in the ocean as but a single taunt in the Vic has Max ready to commit assault. Fortunately, Jack is there to stop him and Lauren walks in to ponder Max's predicament.

Wow! Ian seems to realise he suffers from a split personality but it's obviously all empty words from him.

Kat and Bianca realise Walford men are awful... yeah but you should see the women! Just use a mirror.

What a surprise - Kim spills the beans about Phil paying Shirley's rent.

Pointless Poppy sees Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur with another woman. Who cares?

And Ian et al return to find the house has been broken into and the estranged Cyndi is there.

Monday 19th August 2013

Sadie has opened her revamped salon, just as Count Moonula walks by talking about buying a gym. Improbably, Sadie addresses him (seemingly without irony) as handsome. Oh and Hollyoaks is in his office because Janine is his new business partner. DUN DUN DUN!

Denise is working for Ian now!

Moonula confronts Jack and he apparently did this to spend more time

Kat and Bianca on a double date... isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?

Pointless Poppy is now suspicious that Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrr is cheating on her, unfortunately no one cares.

Moonula expresses his displeasure to Janine... the game continues!

The opening of the salon continues and the standard is set suitably low by presence of Kim... and it seems Ian is taking Denise for granted. Again.

Moonula's next move is telling Dot that the drafty warehouse is getting an overhaul to remove her husband's likeness and name from it... she doesn't take this too well.

Carl comes to not so politely menace Ian for his money and isn't taking no for an answer... and of course, Peter doesn't work out that he's still getting paid protection money despite the fact his father doesn't answer his question about what Carl was doing in the cafffffffffffffffffff.

Dot has a pop at Jack but he seems to have an answer for everything, she isn't best pleased.

Oh, lawks - the double date... Make it stop!

Denise is getting run off her feet at the salon as Pointless Poppy tells porkies to win a bonus and continues to be suspicious about Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.

Carl's master plan seems to have been set in motion... yawn! Just what the show needed, at least three weeks of another Branning centred plot.

Jack tells Michael he's not impressed by his attempts at manipulation. Yawn.

Denise continues to be run ragged as Ian desperately tries to find someone else to serve canapes... there are about five people in the salon in a space smaller than most people's bathroom - HOW IS THIS DIFFICULT FOR HER?!

Kat and Bianca bicker about which man they're going to get because Kat has the attractive physiotherapist and Bianca has the rather more plain consultant who is baffling her with science talk... but the physiotherapist overhears them and does what someone should have done a long time ago and informs them they're terrible people.

A low ebb for Denise when Kim has to point out Ian is taking her for granted.

Dot gives Michael a peptalk - she tells him life isn't a game! Oh and she throws in a "think of the children!"

Pointless Poppy's diabolical plan comes to fruition as Sadie overhears Lola giving someone a 35% discount. No bonus for her!

Ian turns up after everyone has gone to give Denise another "I've made a huge mistake" face when he leaves, a day late and a dollar short.

Pointless Poppy's paranoia persists!

Having listened to Dot's advise, Michael decides to rise about Janine's ability to buy a business over the weekend... it seems strange both that the business could take place at the weekend (as that's when Jack decided, apparently) and that Hollyoaks looking at the books occurred AFTER the purchase... do the Crayon Crew not know what due diligence is? Oh and wasn't Hollyoaks expertise in property? Why would he and Michael need to learn to work together?

Walford's most improbable couple are now through...  it took Denise a LONG time to come to her senses.

Friday 16th August 2013

Carl is still getting a pat down and have they found something in his pocket?

Tanya has invited her mother to rehab... a cause for celebration, says Max.

Predictably, Carl doesn't have any drugs on him but he seems a mite stressed.

Tamwar is in love with Alice! Yawn.

Joey is concerned that Carl will blame him and Max for the shake down but Lauren is

Carl would rather be dead than back inside... and gasp, could Kirstie still have feelings for him?

Pointless Poppy is doing her best to come across as retarded but Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur manages to interrupt for operation get Tamwar a relationship.

Carl mopes about prison and Max telling tales, which seems to place some doubt in Kirstie's mind... and then Max - the man you can tell is lying by virtue of his mouth being open - comes in and is unable to respond.

Some awkwardness when Twitney turns up to the club where Lauren and Joey are.

Pointless Poppy is trying REALLY hard to seem as if she is mentally subnormal tonight as planning for operation get Tamwar a relationship continues.

Lauren confesses to taking a sip of vodka, at which point Joey and Twitney look at her as if she said she put a baby in blender and doesn't even try to complete the anecdote... because she omits the spitting the vodka out... What an idiot.

Max is still unable to simply deny he called the police and then there's the predictable goading... and then Patrick wades in to tell Carl he's not welcome there. Since when could he make that kind of decision. Then Max leaves his coat behind and Carl purloins his phone.

Lauren comes back as if she JUST remembered she spat the vodka out to be all loud and shouty. Ah, lectures in morality from a recovering alcoholic. Good grief, this isn't Eastenders anymore - it's Lauren and the Brannings. Anyway, Lauren doesn't want Joey for what... the hundredth time?

IT'S THE SINGLES NIGHT! Bianca and AJ have some pointless deal to see if they can find a suitable partner for one another.

Oh and Tamwar and Half-Day Alice start on their blind date. Boring.

Kat speaks some words of wisdom "Fix me something to take away the pain." Wise words.

Carl is noting down all the numbers from Max's phone... there's probably an app for that... Patrick comes along and does a weak "sling yooooooooor 'ook" and predictably relents when Carl gives him puppy dog eyes.

The blind date continues - who cares?

Singles night continues - who cares? If you like unfunny, telegraphed jokes - you just might!

Arfuuuuuuuuur, Poppy and Dot wonder about the date but it seems today is the day for leaving phones behind and Poppy sees a call from a lady! DUN DUN DUN!

Tamwar and Alice kiss!

Lauren returns to the Branning house because if there is one thing we've not got enough of - it's Brannings and she says she wants five minutes without drama... I think you'd have to be looking for a rather more permanent solution to achieve that. She gives Max back his phone, which Carl had handed to her and what a shock, he heads across the Square to see Carl who is standing around outside and offers a very well spoken  and polite threat about how he's going to end his relationship with Kirstie in three weeks.

Thursday 15th August 2013

Thank goodness, no Lauren running today... just Lauren having her breakfast and Abi's exam results today.

Someone in a hoodie is stalking Kirstie!

Moonula bemoans Hollyoaks to Jack, who is concerned about the status of their big empty warehouse.

For some reason, after months of showing active contempt for Tamwar - both Kat and Bianca are concerned about him.

Kirstie gets jumped by someone demanding money from her, only to have Carl jump in to save the day but it turns out that Carl knows - it's his bruv! Who apparently disappointed Carl while he was inside but is now in trouble... and he's going to be selling the drugs to make ends meet.

Predictably, Max wants to wade in... because he has such a reputation as a hard man! Or possibly just for perpetually making idiotic decisions.

Lauren goes to her counselling session!

Tamwar and Half-Day Alice talk about how Tamwar is a joke for a while but Alice is all about the peptalk and turning the tables.

Joey tells Max that Carl and Adam are going to be at the club at 'alf ten. DUN DUN DUN!

Awkward silence in Lauren's therapy session!

Max decides the best plan is to get King Phil involved to fight his battles for him.

Oh, Count Moonula is getting serious about the barn business... for some reason and Alice plans to use his colour printer!

Lauren is blackmailed into talking by the threat of a sing-a-long... this therapist is good. Lauren moans about how everything is awful for her and how she wants her sister to fail... wow, there's goes any sympathy you could have for her.

Looks like Max's plan to tell tales worked out well as he and Phil come in to tell him what a naughty boy he is.

Lauren confesses her desire for her sister to fail stems from the fact she lasted a whole week before going back on the booze.

Max seems surprised that Phil is only interested in Carl not dealing in his club and he walks out the club after some silly bickering.

Lauren's therapist tells her that spitting out alcohol was a big achievement. The the guy that talked to Lauren before she went in is still there when she comes out... even Lauren points out it's weird.

Max tells some porkies to Kirstie, resulting in a slap and then he calls the police.

Carl and his brother Adam have words. They're through as bruvs!

Kat and Bianca bemoan the inevitable terribleness of the singles night, before Tamwar's prank is enacted! It's every bit as painful as you'd expect but Kat and Bianca agree to do litter duty... and Tamwar gets a hug.

Abi did well in her exams! Yay! Who cares!

Carl lies about dealing drugs to Kirstie, just as Walford PD turn up to search him. DUN DUN DUN!

Tuesday 13th August 2013

Oh, lawdy - please don't let Lauren's run (with soundtrack) become a regular feature and there she goes chasing after Joey.

Bianca is skeptical about online dating - you already had a serious relationship with a sex offender. Oh and they take the opportunity to make Tamwar more of a joke... as if that was possible but Half-Day Alice is there to give him some consolation.

Joey seems to be pretty keen on Lauren again... that seems a bit unlikely but he's still apparently worried she'll fall apart but Lauren is of a mind that the family that sleeps together, STAYS together. Dohohoho.

The salon - according to Sam - needs rewiring, a likely story but Joey is on hand to use his business brain (HAHAHAHA!) to help out because being a bartender means you're allowed to let out the club to anyone at the drop of a hat.

Count Moonula makes the bold (meaning incredibly laughable) statement that he is a man of means because he owns a business to try and... something Hollyoaks. You're co-owner of an empty warehouse, not Bill Gates.

For once, Sharon has a valid point when she castigates Joey for his rash decision but then immediately folds.

Lauren wants to hang out with Lucy (because they're BFFs again) but she's going to the club. DUN DUN DUN! But Lauren will go there anyway, great idea.

Ian walks into the Vic to see the footballer's wife wannabe talking about needing a caterer and he volunteers his services and gets pressed into a ridiculous time line to demonstrate his culinary expertise.

Lauren tells her papa about going to the club and he doesn't take much winning over because he's an idiot.

Oh dear, Ian is being demanding of Denise and unappreciative again...

Apparently, Joey was able to transform the club into a salon in mere moment. That's realistic! Then the salon owner doesn't pay Ian. Dohohoho.

Tamwar being a joke continues as he gets trapped in the portaloo by Winston of all people... Even Kat and Bianca don't seem  that amused at this point - it's just getting kind of sad.

Lauren is sitting at home. WHAT COULD HAPPEN?!

Half-Day Alice attempts to rescue Tamwar from the portaloo... how hard is that?

So, in case you hadn't worked out that the salon owner is another person who should have been drowned  at birth to save the world from the stain of suffering they would darken it with... she has a conversation in front of Denise to her caterer. Denise gives her a piece of her mind and then storms off.

Lauren is looking like a prostitute and Kirstie tells her she looks great... oh dear.

Tamwar is finally freed!

Oh dear, Lauren looks like a clown - amazingly Twitney isn't looking orange.

Denise tells Ian about his rejection by Sadie...

Everyone is being teatotal around Lauren... that's not awkward at all!

Joey finds something (possibly drugs?) at the club, just as the girls are headed there.

Ohoh, Hollyoaks is planning revenge against Moonula with Janine!

The girls are at the club but Joey is already concerned about Lauren - who is pretty much forcing drinks down her friends' throats.

Sadie apologises to Ian... who is trying to cover for her for some reason? Denise then scowls at Ian?

Lauren goes off to call her father, at which point Joey talks to Twitney and Lucy - because they then have to talk about Twitney and Joey sleeping together and sit around really awkwardly and make it obvious something is up and yes, shockingly Lauren finds out that Twitney and Joey had the sex and does the "it's OK" thing, which means it's anything but and steals a drink on the way out for good measure... and then Joey gets stopped before he can go after her (because he actually has to DO this job!)

Which is tracking down DA DRUGS! And who should be behind DA DRUGS but the mild mannered Carl? Who would have guessed? Carl is decidely less soft spoken when Joey confronts him and the usual threats are exchanged.

And... Lauren has a drink... but then spits it out... Wow, that was what? Less than a week? At least they're not drawing out her relapse... and as that means the storyline will be over sooner, that's good!

Monday 12th August 2013

Dot is making a cake! For Jim! It's amazing she remembers he exists - no one even mentioned him when one of his sons died.

There's Lauren, running around the Square... good for her.

Back to work for Twitney, let's see how long that lasts.

Lauren stops by Dot, who tells her that recovering from addiction is hard and then she also discovers it's Jim's birthday. It seems Lauren feels that they should do something for her forgotten grandfather.

Kirstie and Max have re-established domestic bliss (except for the presence of Cora). Then Lauren comes in and says she wants to throw a party. DOHOHO!

Janine and Moonula continue to play their game - with Hollyoaks being the latest pawn.

Some squabbling about Lauren organising a party for Jim - yawn.

Kat isn't worried about Ronnie coming home anymore... and it looks like she's off to singles night.

Twitney returns to her job and apparently despite being an experience primary school teacher, Ava requires her to say "settle down"...

Lauren seems quite happy to just tell misery guts Carol about her recovery as if it's a discussion about the weather.

Twitney has the magic touch, it seems... that will surely be put to the test by the arrival of Sharon's freakish son...

Oh, wow - Jack and Poxy remembered they have a kid! Will wonders never cease?

Kat and Bianca laugh at how terrible a plot line the speed dating was, presumably in anticipation of singles  night being at least as bad.

It's been less than a week and Lauren's resolve already seems to be cracking. Actually, in fairness her constant joking about alcohol seems to be indicative of a deeper problem... kind of sad when that's as subtle as the foreshadowing gets and of course, then to remove any ambiguity - she insists there be alcohol... leading to the predictable faux pas at the party and then A WILD JOEY APPEARS!

Kat asks Moonula along to the singles night which is just a prelude to taunting him about his desire to get back into Janine's affections.

Then we find out - gasp - Janine was just using Hollyoaks. A truly shocking turn of events.

There's a surprise, Dennis is taking after his mother and her being

Lauren walks around the party and the topic of conversation is Lauren, Lauren and Lauren... and goodness, it seems Lauren might want a drink!

Moonula finds out from Hollyoaks that Janine and he aren't an item.

Dot gets herself worked up into quite a state about the birthday and does the sensible thing of pointing out that none of Jim's children bothered going to see him... to be fair, they don't even remember him so that's to be expected.

Sharon (looking almost as Oompa Loompa as Twitney) comes in and demands answers about Dennis's treatment, going so far as to say "Are you calling my son a liar?" Even the most fleeting experience with young children would afford someone that the vast majority of them lie with the same regularity as they breathe... so, that would be a bit of a no brainer. Sharon immediately concludes that Ava's decision is based on the whole catapult thing with Dexter and vows revenge before waddling off.

The Branning siblings go to see Dot and after a little pressing, she reveals the highly improbable fact that she goes to see Jim EVERYDAY. She berates all of them for not going to see him more often and then lots of empty promises about rallying around to help Dot. Nice to see the fact Jim has been forgotten actually being mentioned.

Joey and Lauren are still sweet on each other but he doesn't want to be the reason for her to relapse and then just before they kiss, Kirstie bursts in. What an original way to end a scene!

Friday 9th August 2013

Lauren is out for a run when she sees people drinking out on the street... since when were people allowed to drink outside the Vic? And what time is it?

Max says he's looking after Lauren and is no longer interested in Kirstie - so we know that he's going to stop caring about her and is pining for Kirstie.

Lauren confides in Pointless Poppy... because they're BFFs. Yawn.

Ian tries to bribe his daughter but she sees through this immediately, so Ian resorts to grovelling... Oh and she managed to uncover Ian's account fiddling AND do an extensive report on the R&R in an afternoon? Or is it a day? It's impossible to say and clearly irrelevant. Oh and Janine promotes Lucy and is still not fond of Hollyoaks.

Kirstie tells Carl to stop stalking her. Good advice.

Sam is flirted with by the new salon owner.

Janine breaks up a picnic between her daughter and Michael... clearly she's intent on making her a neurotic shut in.

Ian heads into the kitchen, to find Jean paying no attention to her cooking and apparently oblivious to the very quiet fire alarm... Again, if fire alarms in kitchens went off when there was smoke - they'd go off constantly... and why isn't this setting off the biblical flood sprinkler system? Anyway, Ian to the rescue - except he can't turn the gas of or lift a pan (wearing gloves) without burning himself like a mong.

Even Michael picks up on the fact his every scene with Janine is groundhog day.

Ian castigates Jean but for once, she seems fairly blasé to the whole thing... and then Ian listens to her assessing his inability to keep a consistent personality and begs her not to quit (after she quit).

Cue a groundhog day scene with Michael and Janine! Yawn.

Kirstie and Lauren heart-to-heart - yawn. Wait, Max comes in to save people? When?

With an  alcoholic daughter, Max decides to pour himself a drink... and it's another time for people to pretend they're on the phone! Where people pause for a second at most for questions that would take several times that long...

Janine and Michael are now on the road to recovery thanks to their daughter having a bit of a tumble.

Oh, Ian - that is NOT a flattering look for a man of your ever increasing girth... It seems Ian has told Jean all his problems and is actually hiding from Carl in the kitchen.

Lauren tells Kirstie that she owes their family, on account of destroying their family... seriously, that happens at least two or three times a year.

Ava is jealous of people flirting with Sam.

More Michael and Janine getting along - WE GET IT. The horse. Stop flogging the horse. It's dead.

Oh, Jean is talking in bad French for no good reason... and despite ruining hundreds of pounds worth of pots gets paid, all because she told Carl to leave.

Michael and Janine flog the dead horse more.

Max takes the responsible step of hiding a bottle of Scotch in the bread bin as Lauren walks in. Lauren tells Max to stop being so needy... and quite frankly, it is insufferable and a little creepy. Then Kirstie comes in with hula hoop earrings to try and reconcile and Lauren is A-OK... eh, alcoholism is something you can pretty much forget about, right? Oh, wait... no. No it isn't.

Janine wants to be a stay at home mum! And the game playing continues.

Ian's restaurant has suffered possibly the most abrupt fall off in business seen in history... he's gone from fully booked breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week to having to close early on a Friday night in what... two months? That is impressive. Lucy then stops by to tell him she's his boss and that not grassing him up to Janine is "kindness"... perhaps proving the descriptor "evil" is an apt one for this spiteful Satanic skeleton.

Janine asks Hollyoaks around... yawn.

Max and Kirstie have gotten back together... it's just so hard to give a damn.

Lauren is having a cry - most people would if they were getting advice from Pointless Poppy.

Hollyoaks turns up at Janine's doorstep and goodness, what a surprise - COUNT MOONULA SEES! Wow. Never seen that happen before.

Thursday 8th August 2013

Everyone seems concerned about Lauren's sudden reappearance and the fact she's made breakfast but apparently Lauren needs her life back.

Pointless Poppy does not seem best pleased with her current situation as regards her new employer.

Lucy shuns Ian's attempts at reconciliation again.

Max wants to mollycoddle Lauren but she's having none of it - even going so far as to say he can't afford to throw business away... very true. Oh but then Lauren says "you can trust me". Alarm bells should be ringing.

Brainless Billy is trying to assert his power over Evil Lucy. "No more games." he says... and then she just sits down and refuses to clear out a filing cabinet.

Kat is pretending to be doing the books for the stall but really she has a letter from victim's liaison! DUN DUN DUN!

Twitney is worried about talking to Ava...

Lucy is surprised to see Lauren and it seems she wants to arrange super happy fun times - oh, right. No she isn't when she almost immediately brings up Joey. DUN DUN DUN! The Billy Idiot comes in to castigate an emotional Lucy.

Massages on the market! Sure, why not...

For some reason, Max is surprised that Lauren isn't home but rather seeing Twitney who gives her a hard time for expecting things to be the same. SHE WAS AWAY FOR A MONTH! It's not as if she came back ten years later and expected things to be the same. Oh and Tanya was calling but she didn't answer.

Max tries to warn Carl away from his faaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeeeeeeeeee.

Lauren is off to see Joey and gives him a big hug but he seems less than enthused at her return which puts her in a bit of a mood.

It seems Janine has rather cooled on Hollyoaks, seeming rather standoffish about a new deal she has.

Abi says Lauren almost broke the family - that's a bit harsh. Lauren is only about half responsible for the family's problems but the bottom line is things can't go back to normal just because she's stopped drinking.

All the womenfolk of Walford seem to be taking issue with the new salon owner... and Pointless Poppy tries to warn her this isn't a good plan but her boss knows what she's doing, apparently.

With Kat and Bianca having magically mended their relationship, it's time for Kat to confess that Ronnie is getting out of prison. DUN DUN DUN!

It seems Tiffany is practicing for a career as a journalist by recording Twitney without her knowledge or consent to get her the job at the playgroup back...

For some reason, Janine offers Lucy an opportunity for promotion.

Lauren is full on mope mode... she seems genuinely surprised that after everything she's done, people don't want to deal with her.

Elsewhere, Max is concerned about his daughter - there's a first time for everything!

Tiffany enacts her plan to get Twitney's job back!

Having followed Cora's advice, she talks to Twitney and Lucy - only to leave and shrug whe

AJ finds out the new salon owner was just leading men on for business purposes - WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?! This seems to impress Kirstie... oh and Kat comes in, clearly wanting to talk to Alfie only to turn around and leave when she seems him canoodling with Poxy.

Lauren stops by to give Joey a hug and also telling him it's not his fault.

Twitney gets her job back - yawn.

A shocking reveal as we actually remember the extortion plot and Lucy has found out that Ian is fiddling the books to give Carl his money and she's going to tell Janine!

Lauren offers Max an ultimatum on whether she can stay in Walford. WHAT WILL HE DECIDE?!

Tuesday 6th August 2013

Carl is trying to wind up Max about Kirstie, intimating they had sex.

Tyler is thinking about leaving - let's hope it's soon.

Pointless Poppy is worried about her job! So, she tries to get Misery Guts Carol to have a cosmetic procedure - that goes predictably.

Max seems to be letting Kirstie stay in his flat, also

Billy Idiot tries to appear useful (and fails, obviously) to Hollyoaks and then there's a little more Janine/Michael game playing.

Twitney apparently can't read because she thinks her grade is an A*... actually, it said  A+ Twit. Which probably means it's a forgery. Then Tyler comes in and Alfie gives him a peptalk. Yawn.

Pointless Poppy is still looking for test subjects for her new procedures.

Billy Idiot is turned on by the sight of the skeletal jailbait that is Evil Lucy. Good grief, she's the same age as your grand daughter!

Cora tells Kirstie Max thinks she was with Carl, prompting her to storm over to the cart lot and interrupt the first customer Max has seen this year... Obviously, that's not taking into account the fake one from yesterday.

Lucy outmaneuvers the primitive brain of Billy Idiot and she then stands at the bar and looks pleased with herself as she overhears Kirstie gripe at Carl.

Tyler tells Twitney he might be off, then he becomes a pawn in Count Moonula's chess game.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuur has been recruited to help Tyler cheer up - but dohohoh - he let Pointless Poppy do her eyelash thing on him.

Little do they know that Tyler is the latest chess piece in the labyrinthine schemes of Count Moonula! Who is now pretending to repossess Hollyoaks flashy car in front of a client, while Janine is detained by the Count himself. This prompts a predictable outcome where Tyler drives off with the car, the client storms off JUST as Janine exits the restaurant and Hollyoaks is left explaining (also, Billy Idiot is cleaning up in the club).

Max tries to reconcile with Kirstie but his verbal word slurry isn't cutting it today.

Goodness, Billy Idiot is wise to Evil Lucy's diabolical plans...  OR IS HE? The smirk on her face says he might not be.

Tyler decides to head off to Europe - with what money, exactly?

Max tries to talk to Kirstie around again... who cares?

Oh, thirty seconds and Tyler is ready to leave FOREVER! Wow, these sendoffs are getting less and less auspicious. Oh, then Pointless Poppy spills the beans about him leaving to Twitney and she rushes out to see him off in his fancy stolen car and they say goodbye.

Clearly, even the Crayon Crew know that Tyler's departure is a non-event because him driving off isn't the end - instead, Max wins over Kirstie by kissing her and dragging her into his house... but surprise! Lauren is there... and has managed to stop looking like a corpse. Bad news, she's caught Twitney Oompa Loompa.

Monday 5th August 2013

Max returns and Pointless Poppy returns to find her new manager changing the sign.

Twitney has got herself together (minus being an Oompa Loompa).

Max returns to find Patrick and Cora like a couple of squatters in his house.

Alfie and Poxy have set a date for the wedding - VALENTINE'S DAY! WHAT?! Not a wedding in the same month?! Shocking.

Twitney moans to Kat about Tyler - yawn.

Max gives some perfunctory dialogue about the rest of the family, as if even the Crayon Crew couldn't be bothered. With Max even saying all that matters is him, Abby and work (in that order). Wow, lazy writing!

Carl is pining for Kirstie after his close call with Kat. The Alfie gives Tyler some relationship advice!

Pointless Poppy tries to win favour with new manager Sadie... who gives a damn?

Count Moonula turns up at Janine's to find Hollyoaks there feeding his daughter. Which causes him to explode.

Max tells Carl he isn't interested in Kirstie. This pleases Carl.

Twitney gives Tyler his necklace back but he won't take it and they're being friends.

Kat tells Count Moonula Hollyoaks might be a serial killer - he takes it seriously. Then Tyler tells him Saint Alfie of Walford wants words.

Wow, Jack is still around! Then Max gives him a hard time for not running the car lot well... what, so he didn't sell a quarter of a car? The car lot is selling cars in the single figures. He'd be doing well to sell someone a pair on windscreen wipers. He then goes on to ignore Sadie, the new salon owner but don't worry - Jack looks very happy at her behind.

Carl's mother has taken a turn for the worse! He runs to see Kirstie - what a momma's boy.

Kat gets to the Vic and finds out from Poxy that a date for the wedding has been set. She then apologises to Carl for trying to have sex with him in an alley.

Oh, lawdy - Max and Kirstie stuff and predictably - Carl spies them.

Count Moonula word of the day SAGACIOUS - that's a good one, Count Moonula. There is indeed wisdom in checking out sleazy soap characters dealing and Hollyoaks seems fine with being checked on the sex offenders register until

Max and Kirstie stuff - yawn! If Max doesn't turn up by X, IT'S OVER!

Twitney is friends with everyone again!

Patrick is tidying up but Max isn't impressed telling both him AND Cora to clear off. Then Sadie turns up - because she's been trying to talk to him but he hasn't been listening (a soap cliche older than any holy book) and apparently there are bags of sentimental things... in the salon?! WHAT?! Not just some things "bags" of it.

Carl is guilting Kirstie - who is now anxious because of previous ultimatum.

Hollyoaks isn't a paedo! Then he walks in with some business plans. At least they don't say the house price - given the recent laughable rates quoted for two or three months in a B&B, that's for the best.

Abi says it's for the best that Lauren and Tanya stay away - he doesn't have to like it, says Max.

Carl has hired a thug! Good to meet him in a local place like the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

Kat wishes Alfie well - who cares?

More Max moaning - who cares?

Ah, back to Count Moonula and Hollyoaks! The Moon seems very amused by the fact Hollyoaks has a floozy.

Oh, Carl's thug is just detaining Max for cliched drama reasons! So Kirstie can look at the clock. Oh, if only Max had some means of mobile communication... some kind of PHONE he could carry around! He gets out, JUST in time to see Carl in the window... but doesn't bother to go and ring the doorbell. What a plum.

Friday 2nd August 2013

Twitney is still intent on running away but Bianca is adamant that shouting at her is the best solution is to shout at her. Then in a rare moment of lucidity, she apologises for snapping but then Twitney says it's not about that - more about the fact Bianca was oblivious to her being molested but straight back to form Bianca says that's over... because it's not as if being molested is something that scars people for their entire life or anything! Oh, wait... IT IS. Then straight back to shouting, Twitney then blames Bianca AND herself and as she's about to leave Tiffany appears on the stairs... and Twitney runs off into the night.

A drunken Kat, looking more whorish than ever before solicits compliments from Carl before dragging him to the alley by the Vic for some sleazy and unhygienic sex... Amazingly, Carl turns her down.

Twitney storms off (again) after pointing out that Bianca had left the door open and this prompts Kat and Bianca to instantly reconcile, with Kat being charged with going after Twitney... because someone drunk, looking like a hooooooor stumbling around on high heels - THAT'S the person you want trying to reason with an emotional teenager dealing with a lot of heavy issues.

It's pitch black outside and yet still quite lively... and the Vic is still open. What time is it supposed to be, exactly? And what day? Who knows... and it never matters in Walford anyway, where people unwind after a stressful weekend with heavy drinking on a Monday night... but Ian provides Kat with some indication of where Twitney headed.

Bianca is bawling her eyes out at home and Misery Guts Carol comes in and pours a suitable amount of scorn on Kat's abilities to bring Twitney home safe.

These concerns seem entirely justified as Kat's shouting gets Twitney noticed by some unwholesome boys standing around a lurid green car, where Twitney pretty much offers sex up for anyone that wants it.

The end up in a pub and Kat drags Twitney into the ladies toilets for a heart-to-heart and obviously, Kat launches into her "I understand because I was molested too!"

An ill wind seems to be blowing at Bianca's... mostly because there's a wind sound effect... and then it's time for Bianca and Tiffany to make up.

Kat seems to suggest eye contact facilitates telepathy... Twitney does her "Tony's death is my fault" and then Kat ridiculously suggests they put these traumatic events behind them, even the young Twitney scoffs at that ridiculous notion. Then Kat gets all self-pitying about how this ruined her life (again) and tells Twitney to go back to Bianca.

Tiffany asks a number of difficult questions of her mother, which prompts her to tell her daughter she has to be careful. Then Bianca has a good ol' cry and then Twitney is home! Cue tearful reunion, oh and Bianca and Kat are now BFFs again.

Thursday 1st August 2013

Twitney - looking markedly less like an Oompa Loompa - tells Bianca she came clean and Bianca tells her she should have lied through her teeth but Twitney seems intent on self-pity. Bianca then insists that she "get her warpaint on" and fight for him.

Over in the Vic, Alfie is giving Tyler some advice on being married to a slapper but dohoho, who should be listening at the door other than Kat?

What a shock, Janine has got Evil Lucy to do  her filing. Who could have seen that coming.

Kat says she's REALLY looking forward to the party - a little TOO hard and then announces she has a date.

Twitney and Tyler try to reconcile but Twitney just doesn't know why she's following in the footsteps of... every other woman in Walford. She's a bit upset as Tyler walks off with all the emotion of a rock.

Janine is able to multitask rather efficiently at demeaning BOTH Count Moonula AND Lucy. Yawn.

Walford's latest attempt at Romeo and Juliet - Bobby and Tiffany are caught by Patrick... yawn.

Jean's dating dilemmas... then Kat looks sad when she listens to Jean calling DCI The Bill.

Tiffany and Bobby... WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!

Twitney sees girls talking about boys at the community centre and just ups and quits her job... this PTSD is pretty delayed.

A scene of Kat dressing up to look more like a prostitute than usual!

Evil Lucy tries to be smug to Twitney but oh, snap - Twitney already TOLD Tyler. That throws her for a loop and then her father condescends to her as she is reduced to fetching coffees... because when people order coffee now they JUST say "coffee", it's not as if Starbucks outnumber churches ten to one or anything...

Carl and Kat start their date... wow, this is just embarrassing. Especially as both Kat and Carl are doing their best to make their former lovers jealous...

Evil Lucy manages to impress Janine by spilling coffee over her and Hollyoaks

Bianca tries to have a heart to heart with Tyler in the Vic as Kat laughs like a hyena in the background. Then Twitney comes in but before she can talk to Tyler, Joey walks in and some generic punching noises occur when Tyler lamps him. Amazingly, Alfie grows a spine to break it up. That's pretty improbable. Oh and then Bianca realises that Twitney didn't pick up Tiffany. DUN DUN DUN!

The smell of desperation wafts off Jean like the sickly sweet aroma of a compost heap in the middle of summer as she heads to the allotments to try and track down DCI The Bill. Patrick suggests she up the ante by trying to find his house - because that won't scream stalker.

Bianca is still trying to track down her wayward child but she is unaware they are in allotments - fortunately, mere moments later Patrick calls Bianca though and tells her where they are and then Bianca gets to be snippy with Ian. Dohohoho.

Time for another attempt at a heart to heart for Twitney and Tyler but unfortunately, their relationship depends on Tyler understanding something... Relationship over! That was easy.

Bianca drags Tiffany home - yawn.

Everyone is wishing the happy couple congratulations when Kat and Poxy start to snipe at one another. Who could have seen that coming?

After Jean's desperation and anxiety, DCI The Bill turns up and gives us a little TOO much detail on the conjugal rites of the previous night... Although, to be fair - merely explicitly stating the event occurred was a little close to the line.

Bianca, ever the sensitive soul and thoughtful mother, aware that Twitney is dealing with a great deal of emotional baggage that has all been brought back up after Tony's death does what any good parent/best friend does. She starts another shrill remonstration.

Kat starts playing games with Alfie but for the second time in a day, Alfie seems to have become a vertebrate! Will wonders never cease? Oh but to make up for that, he seems terribly upset when she rushes off but that passes almost immediately and then he proposes to Poxy with a great big diamond ring.

Just to prove that Bianca is the best mother ever, we close out with Twitney packing her bags to run away from home. Again. Goodness, what an original storyline! What's next? Her falling into prostitution?!

Tuesday 30th July 2013

Tango Twitney returns to be moody to Bianca and Carol.

Ian's inspired attempts to win back his daughter fail worse than putting out a fire with petrol.

Brace yourselves - TWITNEY SLEPT WITH JOEY! Shocking, eh? Did not see that coming...

DCI The Bill comes round to woo Jean... and she tries to conceal her bipolar disorder. Come on, Jean - he has to have realised you aren't quite right in the head by now.

Tango Twit is fixating on Tony's death as Bianca tries to get her to lie about cheating on Tyler. That can't possibly go wrong!

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur has to apologise to Pointless Poppy for not going to see her but then he can't do it tonight because he's cooking "for da boyuz". DUN DUN DUN!

Bianca and Carol bicker about the Twitney situation, yawn.

Ian gets advice on how to be a human from Denise... he needs that.

The schism between Kat and Bianca deepens because for once, not being on the stall SOMEHOW matters but Bianca couldn't be less interested as she casually liess to Tyler and then goes off to remonstrate Joey. She manages to get him to swear he won't say anything and then certain this is the perfect crime, goes to tell Twitney about her fait accompli. Then she and Kat decide to jack in their stall because of their mutual animosity.

Twitney sees Tyler and is none too happy.

Jean is getting paranoid about DCI The Bill and Kat gives her the advice to toughen up (that really works with mental health issues). Then tells her to do what she thinks before pining after Alfie some.

Aww and Tyler brought flowers for the disillusioned Twitney but perhaps Ava telling her she's got a "good catch" will, that seems to buoy her spirits.

All of a sudden, Kat and Carl are an item... eh, Kat does have form when it comes to using her sex organs as a coping mechanism.

Tamwar gets a telling off from Half-Day Alice - wow, that's a low ebb. He needs to give Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Poppy space.

Jean ends up in the restaurant - dohohoho - resulting in a snide remark from Ian.

Evil Lucy knows Twitney's secret!

Ian seems to think a drink with his daughter will sort everything out!

And an ill judged comment from DCI The Bill seems to indicate he's not au fait with mental illness, talking about someone being carted off to "the funny farm".

Tamwar tells Arfuuuuuuuur to go and see his girlfriend - and really why exactly is Tamwar's well being exclusively Arfuuuuuuuuur's responsibility?

Predictably, Jean doesn't come clean about her mental illness and instead tells DCI The Bill about her role in the restaurant hijinks but he doesn't seem too bothered and then Ian offers her old job back. This bodes ill.

Bianca comes to give Twitney a pep talk about infidelity where - despite Twitney's protestations she insists they maintain the lie.

DCI The bill and Jean share a kiss outside the Vic... oh, this certainly bodes ill.

Evil Lucy and Ian have their reconciliation talk but SURPRISE! She's now going to work for Janine! DUN DUN DUN!

Twitney comes clean to Tyler... thank goodness that didn't last any longer!

Monday 29th July 2013

Twitney has been "fine all weekend" despite finding out the man who molested her just died... she doesn't look fine and that's not just a reference to her David Dickinson complexion but it's all smiles and sunshine when she walks into the kitchen.

Kat berates Count Moonula for not worrying about Alice and engaging in his evil schemes against Janine. He counters by saying that talking about Half-Day Alice is merely her distracting herself from Alfie's wedding.

Masood is back from his jaunt to Pakistan but Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur can stay oh and the pathetic Tamwar plot du jour ensures... even the saintly Arfuuuuuuuuuuur can't help but be sarcastic about the chances of Tamwar succeeding.

Masood pops around to see Carol and we get another look indicating Twitney is not alright.

It seems Peter is back on a mission to help restore the Beale family as he's put in charge of the chippy and lures his sister there under false pretences.

Count Moonula continues his battle of wits with Janine by... taking his daughter to lunch.

Tamwar's attempt to warn people goes as well as expected and Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur commiserates before arranging some alone time with Pointless Poppy.

Twitney tries to deal with a child feeling jealous about the imminent birth of a brother or sister, prompting Twitney to have the revelation that you need to "make the best of it". My, my - what a banal sentiment!

Kat goes round to the Vic for some forced dialogue to prove she's

Evil Lucy is guilted into helping her brother and all  it takes is for him to wear a silly hair net.

Twitney's advice has gone awry as the child she advised tries to run off to apologise - fortunately super Joey is there to save the day!

Michael and Janine's boring battle of wits continues!

Kat and Bianca are snapping at one another, so Bianca doesn't listen to Twitney's problem du jour.

Ian returns to see the Beale twins marvelling at their success and that sours Evil Lucy's mood, Peter then tells his father if he's not careful he'll lose her FOREVER... Deja vu...

Kat is dealing with her problems by boozing. Ah, alcohol - now there is a temporary solution. She invites Count Moounula to join her and he sits down to make a strange face.

Twitney is making spag bol for dinner and is crying but pretends it's just the onions, she goes on to posit telling the other kids about Tony's death but Bianca seems adamant that they don't and then the oblivious Tyler takes an emotionally distraught Twitney out at Bianca's behest, with a smile on his face. That boy is dumber than a sack of hammers.

Kat starts going on about Poxy, which prompts Michael to ask why she's getting wound up about it now.

Twitney and Tyler are in the fine dining restraunt... that really doesn't seem like their scene. Then she goes ahead and brings up Tony... and if Tyler wanted to back away anymore, he'd be out the room, off the planet and outside the visible universe. Tyler then goes on to tell Twitney she's too messed up to work with kids, smooth. Oh and then they run out without paying the bill.

If you hadn't worked it out - Tamwar flat out says that he's a joke. Poor, useless Tamwar. It's a shame he's not academically gifted or moderately talented at comedy... oh, right - he probably just forgot those aspects of his personality.

Moonula is off for the next move in his game - Kat snipes at him, only to be rebuffed with a remark about how unbecoming her self-pity is.

Masood tuts at Tamwar about not observing Ramadan (while pretending not to)... wow, it's almost as if the Masoods are practicing Muslims or something! That just seems so unlikely though.

Oh no, has Moonula misjudged, he's late to the community centre and Janine did just fine!

Twitney is in the club and getting hit on by Joey. They might sleep together. After an argument by Tyler. They're probably going to sleep together. He lends a sympathetic ear. They're almost certainly going to sleep together. After Twitney throws herself at Joey and declares that she and Tyler are over, he tells her to reconsider... no force in the UNIVERSE can stop them sleeping together!

Friday 26th July 2013

Twitney is reading her note from Tony when Bianca comes a knockin' to announce a party. DUN DUN DUN!

AJ and Tamwar have some "comedy" sparring as Arfffffffffffffffffffffur leaves the B&B, which apparently upsets Sharon's manakin... Sharon then goes on to moan about the rents... which are all over eight hundred and fifty a month... yet five hundred pounds will cover three times that long AND include all utilities AND breakfast? This surely gives credence to the fact the Crayon Crew are brain damaged or just don't give a damn or possibly don't experience reality as a normal human does or most likely - a combination of all of the above. Patrick suggests sending the freakish abomination to live with Ian and his big belly.

Twitney is pondering whether to go and see her paedophile step-father again... Tyler remains singularly unconcerned about this

What's the Sharon spawn upto?!

Ava upsets Twitney by asking her about her tween years and she runs off.

Evil Lucy is lounging around the house, trash talking her father.

Hijinks seem likely to ensue at The Arches as the yunguns get their hands on a slingshot...

Pointless Poppy has discovered the salon is being sold.

Janine - having said it's OK that Hollyoaks is a chancer - seems concerned that

Carl tries to thank Kirstie with money - classy! She isn't big on that.

Hollyoaks is trying to sell executive flats to Janine... wait, didn't they build executive flats that Bradley tried to sell a few years ago? Or did they just cease to exist? Janine then orders something not on the menu and Ian protests after which Hollyoaks remarks "You get what you want."

Twitney is in prison just after Tyler was asking after her and seems unhappy about Bianca's response... Bianca then making sure to tell Kat she isn't welcome at her party. Good to know they're still BFFs.

Ian makes a show of tearing up Janine's bill but makes sure to tell her she shouldn't push it - good grief, how inconsistent is this character. Sure people can have moods and be mercurial but it's usually not in the amount of spine they show and Ian typically only attempts to act dominant to people who he exercises some measure of power over... that's manifestly not the case with Janine regardless of the fact he knows she was once a whore.

Twitney is perhaps the first person in Eastenders history to not be able to show up at a prison and waltz in to see a prisoner... there is a first time for everything.

Oh, goodness. Dennis smashed a window, perhaps one could consider him... a MENACE! Sharon then remonstrates him and seems keen to assign blame to anyone that isn't her... this isn't particularly surprising given that Sharon bounces back and forth between totally indifference and utterly smothering because she's the most terrible person ever.

Pointless Poppy's dreams of a place of her own are ruined by AJ and Arfffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuur wanting to watch Top Gear... what was she thinking would happen if they moved into the Masood house?

Sharon being the worst human being on the planet, immediately takes the word of her son and then somehow decides that because Dexter Fletcher gave her son (in his account) the slingshot and because it was her fault he misfired and fired a window, it's Dexter who should pay the bill. Fortunately, Ava is there to tell her to get the hell out of there but it's not over, says the world's worst person.

Tango Twitney returns to the Square and Tyler has rumbled her but it seems likely he's dead because of the way things are being telegraphed. Now everyone knows about the letter from Tony because of Tyler's insistence - a great way to foster trust.

Ohoh, Janine is trying to befriend Evil Lucy!

Ready for a shock? Tony is dead. Oh, wait that was obvious as soon as she looked at Tyler... Yawn.

Thursday 25th July 2013

What's this? A previously unknown character in the Square, staring at a house and Bianca notices! Misery Guts isn't too happy about this... also, Liam is still around. Shouldn't he be back with his thick father? Then Bianca has a bit of a cry before Carol declares her intention to go do something.

Sam is leaving the B&B... which has Kim threatening to make a move on Kim. For once, Pointless Poppy shows some concern.

Denise has to deal with Misery Guts Carol, telling she'd deal with Ian. Then proceeds to try and dissuade him from prosecuting Bianca to the fullest extent of the law.

Sam tries to impress Dexter with a jukebox...

Ohoh, the random stranger has a picture of Twitney. DUN DUN DUN!

Tiffany is still obsessing about Bobby Beale, Twitney seems concerned but this is quickly dismissed when Bianca pulls her mother of the year routine by pleading off work...

The creepy vagrant has a letter for Twitney! DUN DUN DUN!

A whole lot of nothing happens...

Twitney sees creepy tramp is stalking her and remembers her job at the community centre... where Ava is apparently working too. Then she goes out and creepy tramp tells her that her paedo step-father (or whatever) still loves her and is a changed man. She relents and gets the letter, which she opens in full sight of Tyler - who asks her and then flounces off.

Bianca is still worrying but Misery Guts Carol for once is being optimistic... that's a bad sign.

Tiffany comes around to visit but Ian doesn't his son associating with the proles. Denise then asks about this and points out Ian is being an idiot, possibly because he's had a system reset to factory default settings. Hell, she pretty much says as much.

Tamwar has something to do but only because Pointless Poppy wants to escape the B&B! Why? Their rent their for central(ish) London is ridiculous.

Denise is bemoaning Ian's reset when he comes in with flowers.

More Sam and Dexter stuff - who cares?

After months of living in the B&B, Poppy's raison d'etre is to escape it!

Dexter worries about the jukebox but PLOT TWIST! Ava loves it!

Ian and Denise have a heart to heart but then they realise Bobby is missing... and he's playing with Tiffany. Oh dear. Ian promptly turns up and sweetens the deal by telling Bianca he's calling the fuzz, despite the fact Tiffany informs him that Bobby thinks he's a pig. Denise begs him not to call the police and then Tiffany and Bianca turn up at the doorstep to apologise. Ian deals with this in a suitably petty manner, which Denise seems to reward him for. Seriously, sacking Twitney just because?

Twitney shows Tyler the letter from paedo Tony and he seems confused as to why she might be emotional about this... wow, this guy is stupid. Then just carries on as if nothing happened.

Oh, there's a surprise - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffur is moving in with the Masoods!

For a family permanently on the brink of financial ruin, the Butchers seem to have got an absolutely enormous  laptop! Oh but Twitney isn't using that - she's applying for a prison visitor order... which probably makes her the first person in Eastenders history who couldn't just turn up.

Tuesday 23rd July 2013

Ian augments the predictable shouting to Jean's revelation with a totally unnecessary flipping over of a table.

Cora and Patrick are having some kind of coffin dodger party that Abi stumbles upon.

Back to the tedium of Ava and Sam!

Carl doesn't seem too pleased at the prospect of coming clean to his mother.

It's Bianca's last day of probation and they're having a party, wouldn't it be a shame if there was a revelation about some recent criminal act.

Ian starts going off at Jean in the usual prosaic manner. Yawn.

Alfie announces his nuptials to Poxy... how exciting!

Cora has lowered herself to thieving from her granddaughter - oh dear. Thankfully she is able to call  in Dot's help.

Jean accidentally reveals she wasn't acting alone and then steams into the Vic just as Hollyoaks buys Poxy a bottle of champagne.

It seems that Carl's maaaaaa is in an old folk's home and upon seeing him, immediately feigns sleep... just to say "boo!" when Kirstie gets near.

RANDOM ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE NEW BORN ROYAL!

Dot is coming across all Biblical at the Branning place.

Ohoh, awkward scene with Dexter dealing with his mother having sex with Sam. Oh dear - at least Sam finds it funny. Oh and he thinks this is the time to ask to move in.

Ian starts interrogating the women of the Square until finally, Shirley declares herself the accomplice when Ian starts leaning on Bianca. Downstairs, King Phil turns up for the rent and with his newfound interest in Shirley who knows where this could lead.

Michael gets all up in Janine and Hollyoaks business.

Dot has gone power mad on her puritanical rampage, prompting Patrick to scoff at Abi's attempt to sort out Cora.

Carl's mother asks Kirstie when the first grandkid is coming - ruhroh!

Kat - being the genius she is - takes the opportunity to remonstrate Bianca for getting Jean into this mess and then when Ian asks a question, runs away to ensure he assumes she's guilty but DUN DUN DUN! King Phil warns him off messing with Shirley.

It seems Dexter is ok with Sam moving in... although he's duckfacing up a storm about it as they play darts.

It seems Carl might have mummy issues because his mother seems to be the abusive type. DUN DUN DUN!

Ian is knock, knock, knocking on Bianca's door.

Cora and Dot are acting like five year olds (not for the first time), until Abi breaks it up.

Ava wants Sam to keep the toilet seat down. DOHOHO!

Hollyoaks scares Count Moonula off with a squeeze of the knee - you'd think he'd be made of sterner stuff.

Cora and Dot are BFFs now! Or the forced BFFs that happen in soaps.

Ian - THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING (or possibly just able to remember that no one locks their doors) - burst in on Bianca and says he's going to the police about her actions... despite the fact he did everything he could to prevent a full scale investigation, so there's going to substantiate the allegations beyonds Jean's confession and you can bet that won't last long!

Monday 22nd July 2013

For reasons best known to himself, Ian is alone in the restaurant looking a bit of a mess when Peter calls.

Cut to the cafffff which is closed again and Jean being her usual fragile self and Ian appears to huff and haw at the cafffffffff not being open.

Turns out the situation with the cafffffffffffffffffffff is all down to Evil Lucy playing games - goodness, who could have foreseen her being spiteful?!

Awkward Michael and Janine scene!

It seems the mysterious mystery of Shirley's situation is over before it has begun as moments after Denise finds a letter to her that is something to do with the Jobseeker's Allowance, we discover her sleeping in the Arches... discovered by King Phil, no less and he is his normal charming self.

Kat seems to take the announcement of Alfie's imminent nuptials in her stride, while he behaves as if he's telling her someone just died... don't get too excited Alfie.

King Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart as he treats Shirley to breakfast, offers to let her have a shower and various other things... it's almost as if the man's motivations change faster than the weather!

Kirstie bemoans not finding out about Max's departure... good grief, woman - get some semblance of self-respect.

It turns out all of Jean's problems are down to not having a man in her life! At least Eastenders is consistent.

Shirley asks the ridiculous question of why Phil isn't at work - hahaha. Then she goes on to point out the blood of the Mitchell clan is all but spent. Then after some more backstory, she says that she and Phil weren't the best looking couple ever (ENTER: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!) and even more improbably, that she was the best thing to happen to Phil.

Jean goes on her date! It's awkward!

More awkwardness between Michael and Janine!

Ian is politely menaced by Carl but no sooner has that happened than Peter bursts in babbling about a dodgy curry and then Jay is telling him there's someone at the chippie talking about a deep fat frier... He then shuts the caffffffffffffff as he moans about not being able to rely on his family. Oh, no! It's almost as if stealing back the businesses had consequences!

Oh and how terribly original of casting Mr. The Bill as an ex-copper! He and Jean seem to be getting on alright.

Kirstie and Carl are doing their whole "remember the old times", before Kirstie hitting upon some secret from Carl's past. DUN DUN DUN!

It seems Jean is nervous after being reminded Mr. Bill was in the police but he puts the moves on her, resulting in a kiss.

It turns out that staying in central London at the peak of the holiday season at the B&B is super cheap as when Phil turns up to ask why Shirley was kicked out, he hands over five hundred pounds and this is sufficient to secure "two to three months". Denise also tells him that Shirley's benefits were cut... possibly the first instance of any meaningful impact of benefits reform? Anyway, Denise remarks upon the improbability of Phil being a good samaritan - stop pointing out the character inconsistencies!

Carl's secret is that his mother thinks he and Kirstie are still together.

Having had a moment of happiness, Jean is pulled back down to Earth when Evil Lucy offers exposition on Ian's actions since the restaurant was wrecked and this prompts Jean to head off to check on Ian but she's stopped by the bickering of the two shrill haradines, Kat and Bianca (who are no longer BFFs).

Shirley asks Phil for fifty pounds, when he gives her a tenner she says she'd rather go through the bins - well, make up your mind! Anyway, Denise comes around - it turns out that it was Shirley's housing benefit that was the problem and she pretends that it has all been sorted, allowing Shirley to tell Phil a truce will happen over her dead body.

Jean is standing outside the chippie when she hears a fire alarm from the restaurant, running in she finds Ian staring at a pot as if in a trance. She turns the gas off and drops it into the sink before pouring water over it (that's probably ruined the pot) and leading the bewildered Ian out... just one thing. He's in the kitchen... what kind of idiot fits a smoke alarm in a professional kitchen? Those things are heat sensitive, else they'd go off every five minutes. In fact, a second thing - why isn't the restaurant being deluged with water? Or does that only happen when the plot says so?

Kirstie tells Carl, she'll go and see his mum with him but just so they can tell her they've split up - WHAT A TWIST!

Michael and Janine in the Vic together, ohoh - who's that? It's Mr. Hollyoaks... good grief, when did Eastenders become so filled with the cast-offs from other soaps?

Ian rehashes to Jean pretty much exactly what Evil Lucy had said earlier but obviously adds a few extra emotional gut punches to it. As the icing on the cake, he tells Jean he doesn't deserve a friend like her and gives her a hug and this prompts the confession... Ian's explosive reaction to follow.

Friday 19th July 2013

It's Bobby's buuuuufday and the Beale family is still not happy.

Michael moans about Scarlet's birthday to Kat.

Ian tries to build bridges with Peter but to no avail... time for a team talk with Denise, who reminds him about Carl... apparently, that'll be sorted by reunifying the Beale family. Fortunately, Janine comes in and her snide remark prompts Ian to have a good idea... let's hope it's better than the last one which went about as well as trying to put out a fire with petrol.

Bianca chides her love sick daughter... could it be that her paedo ex is involved?

Janine thinks a first birthday needs a big hoorah. She's damaged goods.

Billy Idiot being the pivotal lynchpin of Janine's business empire (who gets fired once or twice a month) is being sent off to the far flung reaches of said empire... which upsets Lola.

Ian suggests a party for the new head  Bobby to win Evil Lucy back but she seems  less than sold.

The eternally poor Lola is looking especially freakish as she bosses Cora and Abi into doing something for Lexi's buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurfday. Who cares?

Michael downsizes his daughter's buuuuuuuurday.

Grandad and Poxy are doing great! Just look at Alfie's face!

Scarlet's birthday requires a Shetland pony.

Oh and it seems EVERYONE is having a birthday party today...  Lexi, Scarlet, Bobby... bad things come in threes.

Looks like Shirley is down to pocket change... it makes you wonder how it came to this. Thank goodness it's all a nebulous mystery that just dropped out of the sky! Ohoh, she's shoplifting!

Oh, looks like the party (for Scarlet) has taken a wrong turn as Janine invited the wrong people. Oops.

At Lexi's party... Lola is looking positively orange. Phil even points out it's not her real birthday - so why the hell is this happening today at the drop of a hat.

Ian tries to use his son's birthday as an opportunity to build bridges, evil Lucy seems less than convinced.

Awkward Kat and Alfie scene!

Ian "apologises" to Evil Lucy... which apparently wins Peter over. Even Lucy seems a little convinced.

It seems even the Crayon Crew realise how stupid this episode is as Bianca comments on the ridiculous prevalence of childrens birthday parties.

Awkward Michael and Janine scene!

It turns out that Tiffany's secret love is Bobby... DUN DUN DUN!

Janine can't handle Michael and her being all family friendly.

Ian and Bianca warn their children off one another and then the ever toxic Sharon turns up and it seems her son is following in her footsteps by thieving one of Bobby's presents on his way out!

Tango Lola finds out they DID sort a party for Lexi... even though it's not her birthday and she'll be too young to remember it, making it all entirely pointless.

Lucy finds out Ian was telling porkies about wanting a party!

Shirley - having money problems as she does - decides the best thing to do is quit her job!

Lucy tells Ian - in essence - that he's dead to her... maybe if she ate something her mood would improve?

Alfie drops the marriage bombshell on Kat. She doesn't take it too well.

Thursday 18th July 2013

Alfie is still playing coy about the divorce to Poxy's chagrin.

Ian's diabolical plan seems to have backfired as the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and stall are both closed.

Kat seems shocked at the notion Jean could have a relationship.

Shirley starts picking a fight with Sharon... for some reason, despite not paying, Kim hasn't kicked her out... but then, she's an idiot.

Primo parent Max is unaware that his daughter has finished her exams and is also incapable of making her breakfast without making a big mess and having a bit of a tantrum.

Ian seems surprised his progeny aren't working after his underhanded tactics - something Denise informs him of - just as Carl indicates his desire for money, ever so politely.

Janine and Michael game playing! Can't they play Team Fortress 2? It would be more interesting.

It seems Denise has a plan to sort things out... which seems to involve getting Ian to change personality. Again.

Alfie makes his feelings for Kat clear when he offers to go and check out Jean's new love interest in Carl's stead... could the collapse of his relationship with Poxy BE anymore telegraphed?

Ian struggles on the stall and shows uncharacteristic spine by attempting to get King Phil to pay for an apple he takes... fortunately battle of the unattractive, obese middle aged men doesn't kick off as Denise drags him into the shop. Oh and he comes clean about the money he found. Needless to say, Denise is very skeptical about this very polite menacer - until Ian makes it clear not to get involved.

A little later, despite the advice - Denise asks Carl about how they can sort things out. For once, he's not quite so polite and shockingly, it seems that Denise has made things worse!

Alfie and The Bill's answer to Alan Titchmarsh talk and it turns out he's a divorcee and also thinks he and Kat are married. FORESHADOWING!

In case you're as stupid as the Crayon Crew, they have Ian say "you've made it worse!" when Denise fesses up to confronting Carl. The idea of telling the police is immediately dismissed (naturally) and then Denise suggests they come up with some idea to get rid of him... good grief, all you need to do is POISON HIM!

Awkward Alfie and Kat scene! Followed by some Kat and Alfie bonding with Tommy.

Denise goes to see Phil but he's being uninterested and uncaring... Fortunately, she knows that he has changes of heart more often than most people have heart beats. Also she appeals to his vanity.

Some inconsequential stuff between Peter and Lucy and Janine and Michael.

Phil's heart might be about to undergo a change when Jay gives Carl a thumbs up!

Kat and Alfie get to the inevitable - you'll never her like you love me part... let's not get too original with the dialogue!

Sharon and Shirley come to verbal blows again - Shirley describing the Kinder Egg abomination as a future Norman Bates, that might qualify as genuinely amusing... shame it's really more a commentary on the dismal level of writing, eh? - and it's down to Kim to decide who stays and who goes! DUN DUN DUN!

King Phil and Carl have a friendly chat in the Vic... Aww, it seems like Phil made a new friend!

Abi wants Max to go off and stay near Lauren... yes, go! GO! GO NOW!

Phil tells Ian that he should pay Carl back ASAP... no surprise there then.

Shirley leaves the B&B... how exactly was someone on a minimum wage affording life in a B&B anyway?

Oh, Alfie comes clean about the divorce being finalised - Poxy is still less than pleased.

Ohoh, Carl has come a politely menacing!

Max is leaving! Yes. Yes! YES! Fingers crossed for an off-screen death. Preferably of one of the hundreds of STIs he almost certainly has.

In a shocking turn of events - meaning one that isn't even slightly surprising - Carl decides ten grand isn't enough, it's fifteen now... he's onto a good thing, after all. JUST POISON HIM!

So, after having established that he clearly still has feelings for Kat what better thing for Alfie to do than... MARRY POXY! This can't possibly go wrong, says Alfie's sullen face as he hugs his likely-to-be-jilted-at-the-altar fiance.

Tuesday 16th July 2013

Ian is in a good mood after having stolen his businesses back from Evil Lucy - who is still in a mood.

Poxy and Alfie are talking about the speed dating - which amazingly didn't happen  the same day as it was decided and it seems that Alfie's decree absolute has arrived.

Just to make Ian's nastiness - because he has reverted to Old Ian - even more egregious, Lucy says thanks to him.

Kirstie is going speed dating - could she meet Carl there?!

Lucy seems to think that Ian selling up will solve everything  - dohohoho!

Dot isn't overly keen on the speed dating but Alfie makes it awkward by mentioning Kat.

It seems Denise - having been the main supporter of Ian opening the restaurant - isn't at all surprised or bothered about Ian deciding to pack it in after about a week...

Shirley, Bianca and Jean discuss the speed dating - oh lawdy, it doesn't get much more horrifying.

Ian is being churlish in the kitchen, which is sufficient to make his SNATCH a knife from Peter and get himself cut... when we find out there IS a first aid kit there... seems like it might have been a good idea to use that when you had your hand burned, rather than running across the Square like an eejit.

Poxy is filled with the joys of divorce because she thinks the Walford equivalent of Romeo and Juliet can be broken up by something as simple as repeated infidelity. They really do need to get to the part where they both die though.

New head Bobby reappears for a few brief seconds... Denise finally gets to thinking that selling up is a bad idea. She then tries to work some mind games on Evil Lucy but who cares?

To make the speed dating even less suitable for humans, it appears Kim is going too and both Shirley and Kim seem as giddy as schoolgirls... really?

AJ tries to lure Tamwar to the speed dating - except Tamwar seems to realise it's going to be the usual  gutter sluts that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Why is everyone so excited about it?

Oh, look! Jean's allotment pal is at the speed dating. Oh, lawks - this is painful... We have to see the attempts of the Crayon Crew to write comedy. Which are awful.

Ian apologises to Twitney, who turns up chewing gum with earrings so big and hoopy they could fit around her waist.

MORE SPEED DATING!

Evil Lucy makes Ian more guilty about his actions (quelle surprise) by saying they'll find another way to pay off Carl.

Speaking of Carl, in a twist no one could see coming - he's at the speed dating and talking to Kirstie! Oh and she strops off. Another shocking surprise.

And here we go, the coup d'etat - Lucy decides to give Ian the money!

The speed dating is over - thank expletive for that... but Jean and Mr. The Bill are getting along quite well. Oh wait, it's not... it was just a break.Will it never end? Here comes Dot!

Max pre-empts the typical Eastenders drama cycle of Kirstie and him having the same exact conversation over and over again... and apparently Kirstie has now said her piece... Unlikely.

Lucy finds out she doesn't have any money! Even though it's extremely unlikely the businesses could have been entirely transferred in this timeframe.

Shirley is drunk and something about wages or benefits... basically, an incoherent anti-government rant - as if she's owed a living. She asks where it all went wrong... it was never going right.

Lucy reveals to Ian she knows! DUN DUN DUN!

Awkward flirting between Alfie and Poxy and he doesn't come clean about the divorce.

Everyone seems shocked that the conniving, spineless weasel that is Ian Beale has stolen back his businesses... and to be fair, he has a point - those were his businesses and Lucy did steal them from him... she might be feigning good intentions now but it doesn't exactly ring true.

Monday 15th July 2013

Ian walks in on the ever so polite Carl talking to Peter and some more well mannered menacing occurs.

Dot seems very excited about reaping the rewards of her charity drive - meaning it has probably failed horribly.

Kirstie is still asking Abi to talk to Max for her - jeez, change the record. She's so embarrassingly desperate, even Kat tells her to lay off.

About thirty seconds is all it take for Evil Lucy to talk Ian into selling up his share of the restaurant... so much for that dream.

Patrick is still unable to break it off with boring Bettt... seriously?

Despite having meekly accepted his marching orders from Evil Lucy, Ian seems less than happy about the prospect of selling up when talking to Peter about it.

Abi moans to Max about being stuck between him and Kirstie - who can blame her?

Cora is less than impressed by Patrick's inability to break up with Betty and it seems that irritates Patrick no end.

Peter tries to woo Jean back to the restaurant, which causes Jean to go a bit bonkers in front of Poxy and Alfied.

Cora and Dexter discuss how she and Patrick aren't together... yawn.

Jean continues to be bonkers, this time to Kat.

Joey tries to trash talk Ian but he manages to demonstrate some backbone! Shocking.

Jean is allowed to run off to be mental elsewhere thanks to Kat's intervention and we see some chemistry between Kat and Alfie... before she walks back into the front of the Vic and Carl decides to hit on her.

Patrick gets the offer of help with women from Dexter - which is met with suitable derision.

A courier arrives at the Beale house with a brown envelope. DUN DUN DUN!

Jean tries to get away from it all by going to the allotment but the irritating chap from last time is there and that is apparently very upsetting to her.

Back with Ian, he assures Peter that he is going to "put everything right". Dun dun dun?

Kirstie warns Kat off Carl because he's not like other men... what the devil does that mean?

Joey takes a girl into the caffffffffffffffff and Evil Lucy has a bit of a cry. This is apparently part of Joey's master plan to find out if what Ian said earlier was right.

Operation Break Up goes ahead as if Patrick was an awkward and inexperienced teen but finally, he manages to tell  her it's all over.

Jean emerges from the hut in the allotment to find that her plot has been hoed.

Evil Lucy runs home for moral support from her papa.

The tedious Dot fundraiser subplot chunters along. Which leads to speed dating in the Vic - just in time for a quip about Patrick and Cora getting together.

Carl puts the moves on Kirstie again but she rejects him, just before receiving a remonstration from Max about using Abi.

Ian comforts Evil Lucy before none too subtly getting her to sign what he claims to be the insurance for the chippy... Oh and with two whole signatures, signatures - Ian has all his businesses back... because this (much like Ian signing them away while a gibbering wreck) would TOTALLY stand up in court. In fact, these are the kind of things you can do in a lunch break - they're not tedious and time consuming processes at all!