Friday 29 March 2013

Friday 29th March 2013

Liam is in the police station.

Ava gets a threat in the mail. DUN DUN DUN!

Bianca tells Liam she grassed him up and the interview begins!

Dexter Fletcher is fretting over his mother but she insists she doesn't need a bodyguard.

The Walford PD try to interview Liam but they've got Bianca shouting the odds BECAUSE SHOUTING EQUALS DRAMA! Thankfully, Liam wants someone that isn't the gingah whingah.

Lest that doesn't set your pulse racing, it's back to THE CAKE WARS! More heart pounding action than anyone can handle as Ian tells Denise his plans.

The police try to get some answers out of Liam but he ain't a snitch, guvnah!

DA YOUFFFFFFFF apparently all got bailed without charge and so Liam runs off to kiss and make-up with Kane. Aww, young love!

The car crash of Ava and Billy Idiot continues. Yawn.

Bianca needs to get to the estate - how far away is this estate? Oh, right - as far away as the plot needs it to be. This seems fairly ridiculous as Liam is there in a trice, IMMEDIATELY meeting up with DA YOUFF. Goodness, it's like trying to find a needless in a haystack... except the needle is made of a ferrous material and you've got a GIGANTIC ELECTROMAGNET.

Sharon - insufferable person she is - has decided as the world revolves around her, that the most reasonable thing to do due to her busy day (scoff!) is to move the cake tasting FORWARD... Oh, that's not asinine at all! This flusters Ian and he has to rush off to get icing sugar... but Jean gets the last box, she even suggests he go to a supermarket. That's really where you should do all your shopping to be fair.

Ian then launches into a speech about how Jean should understand him going nanners because she's the village mad woman. He seems extremely contrite... which runs in direct contrast to how he was last night when one could be forgiven for thinking he'd regressed to the Ian Beale of yore.

Billy Idiot tells his sob story to Ava but is interrupted by the arrival of Dexter Fletcher, who updates his mother on Liam's incredible teleportation to the estate where he was able to almost INSTANTLY be found by the gang, who were then instantly found by him... a lot of coincidences, eh? Billy Idiot then offers his help and Dexter Fletcher gives him a look akin to something you'd scrape off your shoe... which is really a look he should get every waking moment.

Bianca is now on the estate and trying to call the bluff of Kane's mad dog father... before we see if he'd break her arm, Misery Guts Carol appears to call her away.

Liam and the gang are now in a playground as Kane appears, looking none too happy. They try to generate tension but utterly fail, even as they all circle around them and Bianca runs down stairs... wow, even when Liam gets stabbed it's pretty dull.

To add to the dull - Denise is getting stood up by Ian due to CAKE WARS!

The Butcher boy is now in the hospital and blames Bianca for his predicament... eh, with the ginger whinger as your mother you're pretty much playing Russian roulette with only one chamber empty.

As the Cake Wars drag on, Sharon likes Ian's cake but he's suspicious that Jean has thrown the contest.

Bianca decides to vent her frustration on a vending machine and then a security guard. If there's a problem she can't make worse by shouting at it, she hasn't found it! Fortunately, Ava intercedes.

The Cake Wars are finally over and Ian gracefully invites Jean to help him with the buffet.

Sadly, Liam is going to be fine... and Misery Guts Carol says the most ridiculous thing ever... the police can protect Liam 24/7, or at least that's the direct implication of her words. Uh, no. No they can't. The real police couldn't do that and the Walford police is orders of magnitude more inept.

Denise being well aware of Ian's mental health concerns decides the best way to react to him being late for their lunch date is to shove cake in his face... Young at heart? Are all the women trying their best to act like petulant children? All it takes is a grovelling apology and bribery for him to win his heart back into her affections... after all, it's not as if that was a colossal over-reaction or anything! It really does seem as if the Crayon Crew will not rest until women are chained to the stove and can no longer vote.

Bianca does some crying - because crying also equals drama - and then one of Walford's finest shows up to tell her getting stabbed will change Liam's mind.

Ava returns home to find her place has been trashed. Dexter Fletcher is OK but he says they need to leave the ghetto.

Finally we have Bianca telling Liam he started this and he needs to end it and then she walks out to have a cry because crying is dramatic! You know, for an episode where someone was stabbed this really would have had to work hard to be more tedious and lacklustre.

Thursday 28 March 2013

Thursday 28th March 2013

DA YOUFFFFFFF are still on the estate and Liam suffers a crisis of confidence when he says the fuzz but with some suitable brow beating from

Misery Guts Carol tries to tell Bianca she has done her best but she isn't so sure. Rightly so.

Liam's gang initiation continues with a bit of a scrap and in yet another incredible piece of coincidence, she (with Dexter Fletcher) come upon Liam and one of the nameless gang members punching one another on the ground. Shouldn't they BOTH be at work?

Oh and Dexter Fletcher was in the same gang that Liam is in now and has history with the gang leader... Also, apparently Liam didn't grow up on the estate, so he can't cope with the thug life like Dexter Fletcher... because obviously Walford is such a well heeled place.

Arfuuuuuuuuuur laments his ill fortune but realises the real treasure is friendship or something. Yawn.

Ava has now taken Liam under her wing but he has yet to see that the gang doesn't really care about him... and apparently thinks it's a good idea to try starting on Dexter Fletcher... it's perhaps inadvisable to taunt someone who looks as if he could punch through your body without any discernible effort.

Jean has somehow gone from barely capable cook to being able to do a wedding cake... and so the much anticipated cake wars begin with Ian and Jean fighting to provide a cake for Sharon's wedding. Hopefully Jean does it and accidentally puts rat poison in the cake.

Ava finally gets around to telling Bianca she has his son and insists she not let him out of her sight... which of course means when she turns around he has used his ninja skills to exit the house silently and is then reunited with the gang leader Kane. DUN DUN DUN!

Arfuuuuuuuuur's good deed is rewarded when the spurned wife gives him the watch he was going to purloin. Well, that all worked itself out nicely.

THE CAKE WARS CONTINUE! Because somehow a professional caterer and qualified chef is concerned about a woman who can only cook sausage surprise and thinks that cupcakes are a basis of experience for wedding cakes... also, Ian seems to have somewhat reverted to his old self. Petty, churlish and mean spirited... so much for being a new person! Which ironically, he was.

Dot doesn't take the news of Pointless Poppy's departure to live with Arfuuuuuuuur too well.

Having earlier been spurned by Misery Guts Carol, Masood returns to help but is none too pleased to find out that Liam was involved in the mugging of Tamwar but seems to relent and just holds Carol, who is a trifle upset.

At the party, Liam's act is rumbled by a girl who knows him from school and she tells him that these kids are bad news and basically, what everyone else has been saying.

Elsewhere on the nightmarish hell estate, Bianca has JUST arrived. Wow, talk about travelling at the speed of plot. Getting to this estate seems to take somewhere between five minutes and five hours - presumably it's extremely weather dependent.

Liam's friend tries to help him escape but Kane doesn't care for that and is now suspicious of Liam's allegiance to the gang. At which point - instead of assuring them he's one of them, Liam runs off and locks himself in the bathroom.

Bianca sobs incoherently until Dexter Fletcher reveals the location of Liam - who amazingly has his phone and just called, apparently just so his mother would know he's in distress as Kane et al knock on the incredibly flimsy bathroom door. Instead of escaping out the window or something - he opens the door to them but fortunately the Walford PD have been called (much to Dexter Fletcher's chagrin).

Dot is lamenting the departure of Arfuuuuuuuuuur, as him leaving will mean her life is over. Also, she finally comes clean about the council trying to take the house.

In come the fuzz just as things are looking bleak - breaking the door down, apparently they had a warrant because they break down the door almost immediately. Hauling everyone off as Bianca does what she does best - screaming and shouting.

Tuesday 26 March 2013

Tuesday 26th March 2013

Bianca goes to report Liam missing but he's with DA YOUFFFF and about to do a stupid stunt to impress them. Meanwhile, Walford PD seem fairly unconcerned about Liam disappearing - until Bianca mentions DA YOUFFFFFFFF!

The best time of year to attempt dangerous stunts - such as walking along a narrow ledge - is apparently the middle of winter but despite this added level of difficulty, a stunt double dressed in the same clothes is able to complete the task with ease... funny none of the gang noticed them changing places?

Arfuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's moral dilemma continues... but who cares?

Liam's gang initiation continues by smashing a car window as Bianca sings his praises to the Walford fuzz but using the old "Who said anything about a murder?"style of interrogation, Bianca makes in abundantly obvious that her son is messed up in a gang. A gang that is apparently the Walford equivalent of the Crays and of course, how else should this resolve than Bianca shouting?

More YOUFFFFFFFFF antics as Liam steals some vodka before the gang runs rampant on the hell estate but there's ANOTHER part to his initiation. DUN DUN DUN!

Sharon's heart IS in her relationship to Jack. Oh, thank goodness for that.

Bianca is running around frantically asking people if they've seen Liam and guess who she should run into? Ava! What are the chances of that, eh? She moans about the police asking questions and then Ava tries to help her but when that goes wrong, Bianca falls back on her prime directive. SHOUTING! Because volume directly equates to drama.

Arfuuuuuuuuur's moral dilemma is escalated when the wife appears to collect her poorly husband's suitcases. Even with the blatant attempts at emotional manipulation, it's still hard to see anyone caring.

Ava tells Bianca that Liam clearly is in trouble and that he needs tough love and that gangs are terrible... stuff you'd think a mother living in inner city London would probably know.

Jean's cake saga continues and now Ian wants in on the suddenly lucrative cake market!

It's still going on, Arfuuuuuuur's situation is about to get worse as the wife offers a reward but it turns out the letter Pointless Poppy got the address from was for his solicitor! DUN DUN DUN!

Liam tries to rob the not-in-anyway-KFC but Shirley is well aware her hide isn't going to be pierced by a knife and so easily discovers who it is. He apologises and she gives him some money but tells him that DA YOUFFF aren't his friends! Then the police appear and they all scarper.

Oh and apparently the sickly husband was going to divorce his wife... so, that makes Arfuuuuuuuuuurrr's theft OK. Somehow. Maybe.

Shirley tells Bianca of the attempted crime of the century as Liam is inducted into the gang and finally, Bianca demonstrates some semblance of sense by going to the police to tell them about Tamwar getting mugged.

Monday 25 March 2013

Monday 25th March 2013

Liam is still on the horrifying slum estate but concern about his welfare seems pretty low. Or at least, that's how you have to take it when Bianca actively argues against getting the police involved... she also has a fear of... ZE SOCIAL! You'd think his continued truancy would be more of an issue in that regard, wouldn't you? Apparently not... oh and Bianca is going to sort it.

Square mad woman Jean has ordered forty bags of flour... is flour very expensive? Also, flour lasts quite a while but apparently this is the non-Phil related storyline that Shirley has been waiting for... If you think about it, it's pretty obvious why she and Phil had a relationship... both of them are creatures of whimsy, predictably changing their mind more often than most people blink.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy are looking for a place to live but apparently times are tough - which means when Saint Alfie of Walford appears, Pointless Poppy asks for a raise (on Arfuuuuuur's behalf - rather to his chagrin). Turns out the Vic is strapped for cash too and somehow this is a reason for Alfie to go... to Yorkshire?

Bianca resorts to her default crisis resolution mode - SHOUTING because shouting equals drama! Also acting. Also, it's suddenly remembered again Misery Guts Carol has a reason to be miserable - her son died... but Bianca stops just short of throwing that in her face... eh, looks as if she has probation officer perv out of it, not all bad.

Meanwhile Liam's gang greets the morning with alcohol... Because they're DA YOUFFFFFF.

Lost property is auctioned off, apparently for mere pennies... sight unseen. Yup, they auction off unclaimed luggage without opening it.

Bianca returns to THE WASTELAND and remarks that trying to find Liam would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack... Funny you should mention that, given that last time you went looking for Liam YOU FOUND HIM IMMEDIATELY. At least they went during the day.

Abi is worried about Jay which manifests itself by him trying to start an engine in the garage repeatedly... One car requires three people to work on it... and what is the point of King Phil being there if he has three employees?

A moral quandary is created when Arfuuuuuuuuuuur discovers a watch of considerable value but then Pointless Poppy discovers an address. Oh, goodness. It's almost as if they should open the luggage up to try and ascertain who owns it before selling it to any Tom, Dick or Harry!

On the slum estate from hell, Bianca is handing out flyers for her son and then it turns out Ava lives there! OK. She was working in a very well heeled primary school in the leafy suburbs and they made it clear that it was quite a ways away from Walford... oh, right - logic. Let's just leave that out of this.

The binge drinking continues with Liam and chums but is promptly interrupted by someone Bianca handed a flyer to mere moments ago - what are the chances, eh? Oh and that chap is the gang leader's father and in something that will surely shock everyone - he's an abusive father, thus explaining the behaviour of his son in one unspeakably trite and lazy cliché that will abrogate any further need for nuance or characterisation.

Jean's excessive flour purchase has turned into AFTERNOON TEA... even Saint Alfie can't really say anything positive about that.

King Phil gives Jay the day off - what a big softie he is.

Ava gives Bianca a heart-to-heart about her son's run in with gang violence. Yawn.

More moral quandries for Arfuuuuuuuuuuur as Pointless Poppy is quite insistent upon returning the suitcase to the rightful owner, having established that the reason it wasn't collected is that he was hospitalised for a month but he seems less than certain.

Turns out Jean's cupcakes are improbably successful. So successful that they allow Phil and Shirley to be within shouting distance and NOT have Shirley start a tirade. Those must be quite some cupcakes.

It turns out DA YOUFFFFFFFF all slum it in a single flat, for which they have to pay the bully boy stereotypical drunken dad rent... and as bully boy dad has shown the gang leader the poster, Liam needs to "take care of" his whinging mother. DUN DUN DUN!

Friday 22 March 2013

Friday 22nd March 2013

So egregious is Tanya's debauchery that even the continuity announcer feels it necessary to slut shame her... ouch. Then the fire alarm goes off because Lauren somehow set off the smoke alarm. Oh and Cora appears to have risen from the grave... having apparently been buried alive, at least judging by the look of her.

Bianca decides - what with Liam having running off many times before - it's best to just await his return. Just as well there was nothing in the offing about legal proceedings against you for his truancy, eh? OH WAIT! Just as well these things blow over if you ignore them, eh?

The laundrette has been broken into... and if we're not careful, we might actually remember Dot is a fugitive from  the law. Nope. Beyond Dot rolling her eyes a bit when she says she's fine.

King Phil wanders downstairs - with Tanya looking as if she had her face vandalised with clown make-up - to be met with mutual silence from the assembled Branning women... and who should come calling but everyone's least favourite meatbag - Sharon... who somehow STILL manages to look worse than Tanya in her clown face. King Phil waltzes off with his baby (that Sharon delivered) and then everyone says "PHIL MITCHELL?!" in what one can only assume was intended to be funny.

Billy Idiot gets some contractually obligated screentime by promising to fix Ava's car... Let's just hope he sets himself on fire or something.

It would appear that the break-in at the laundrette was down to Shirley... who has apparently run off. Well, there's a small consolation... maybe an appetiser for the conflagration of Billy Idiot?! Best not to get your hopes up.

Turns out Tanya can't even remembered if she and Phil had sex... oh and she has fixed her make-up. Even Cora looks a little better but then, it's more shocking that she's talking sense about King Phil being bad news. So Tanya has to confirm with the King that they didn't sleep together - which he does. Who cares?

Jacknocchio is informed of the Liam situation and things JUST GOT REAL! Really boring. Seriously, it was dull when we had to see it last time and that had Jack getting shot and talking like a stroke victim with a burnt tongue... so far we've had... uh, Liam buying new trainer and Tamwar and Bianca "hurled" to the ground. You'd see more unruly behaviour at a Tuesday night bingo club in Cornwall.

Jean - who has apparently rolled her insanity dice as quirky detective ala Monk today - is trying to find out what has happened to Shirley... and it seems almost no one cares.

Tanya confronts Sharon about her and King Phil kissing... and makes the mistake of trying to reason with her. Naturally, Sharon being worse than Adolf Hitler - she takes the concern of her best (and only) friend and throws it back in her face. She's just got a way with words... actually, it's hard to tell with those pauldron -esque shoulderpads and the asthma attacks.

Tamwar goes to see Dot - because Masood thinks... this will cheer her up AND make him feel more important. He's underestimated Tamwar's own deep self-loathing, clearly. Also, mention of the council upsets Dot.

Going to see Tiff's concert is apparently almost equal to finding the wayward Liam... heart breaking... or it would be if anyone gave a damn. Sorry, Crayon Crew but no one cares about Tiff's concert and you've given us no reason TO care.

Oh and Jean finds Shirley... alive and well. How disappointing.

Lauren and Abi aren't interested in hearing their mother talk about her and Phil...

Bianca is moaning about what a terrible mother she is... you really are, Bianca. You really, truly are.

Billy Idiot - thanks to the intervention of Dexter Fletcher - has fixed Ava's car but clearly is about as keen on the feckless idiot courting his mother as most people would be on a serious bout of ebola.

Liam is still missing. It's just so hard to care... ditto Shirley. Ditto Dot. Ditto Sharon's engagement do. Pretty much everything in this episode. Anyway, something gets dropped through the letter box and this prompts Bianca to stop carping and run out the door screeching "LIAM!" That's a good way to make sure he remembers why he's staying away.

And then to show Jack really WAS seriously brain damaged by that bullet to the head, he describes Sharon  (and her now invisible, inaudible and intangible Kinder freak) as "the best thing that ever 'appened" to him. If nothing else, you have to envy his optimism... and then Tanya says she's gonna tell him all about the kiss if she thinks she isn't serious about the wooden headed idiot. DUN DUN DUN!

Thursday 21 March 2013

Thursday 21st March 2013

Sharon stops by to interrogate Tanya about the date with King Phil.

Liam is still struggling with the balsa wood door of his room. He hasn't tried his window and didn't just rush Bianca yesterday... clearly he takes after his father in the brains department. Oh and Twitney has reappeared and doesn't know what is going on.

It's a day of random reappearances and Shirley has reappeared - to remind us that 'Ev got murdered. What better way to set this scene up than having comic relief character AJ and his hijinks!

Speaking of murder, King Phil wants Lexi to go to prison and meet Gok Ben... that baby has a tough enough time of it as it is without finding out about his father. Neither Billy Idiot or Lola are keen on this idea but King Phil points out that they've both been on the receiving end of child thieving, so they should put that in their pipes and smoke it.

Twitney points out that as she has remembered about her brief flirtation with gangs and also being a sex worker - it would perhaps be a good idea for her to talk to Liam (presumably before she forgets it all again). Bianca grudgingly accepts this but immediately flies into a rage when she sees his new trainers and phone... and finally concedes she might need help... But as is all too common in Walford Jacknocchio has temporarily disappeared from the prime material plane to be sequestered into some pocket dimension... probably. Oh and Bianca tells Twitney she is selfish for not wanting to be Liam's warden.

Masood and AJ decide to get Tamwar into a karate class because we need more wacky hijinks as they try and impress the attractive female instructor. Hilarity fails to ensue.

Gok Ben refuses to see Phil for about the bajilliontyith time - only seeing Lola and Lexi, where he tells her that Phil is poison. As Shriley's raison d'etre is purely to harangue Phil, she appears to stick the knife in but Phil doesn't seem too bothered. Oh and apparently Gok Ben made her choose between him and his father... mentally unstable murderer versus manipulative crime boss who has vowed to make sure you never get your child back... talk about a rock and a hard place.

Kirstie gives Billy Idiot some dating advice because the Crayon Crew are so bereft of ideas they're just throwing romances at the wall in the vague hope some of them won't be as ridiculously stupid as Sharon and Jacknocchio... mission easily possibly. Oh and it's Bianca he has suddenly fallen for... Ava who is discussing Bianca's familial woes (over a drink, naturally). Weren't you supposed to be working on the stall, Bianca?

Shirley is hanging around like a bad smell, it seems... sounding rather like a broken record, going on and on about 'Ev... that'll be the best friend you pretty much only really appreciated after she was murdered, eh? What better way to remember the death of your favourite servant/friend than to confront Tanya about the fact her daughter is dating someone who was present at the murder, eh? Patrick is on hand to offer some surprisingly sensible advice - that only one person killed 'Ev and he's in jail, so maybe stop being such a colossal bitch to everyone that comes within gurning distance.

Bianca admits to Ava (now with Dexter Fletcher in tow) that she has locked Liam up. Apparently though, external help isn't needed - and quite why she thinks the inarticulate Jacknocchio who is barely more cogent than his grunting brother would be able to get through to him is a mystery - all he needs is his mother's love!

Meanwhile, it looks as if Twitney is about to earn her name as Liam tries to manipulate her into opening the door. It would be genuinely surprising if she didn't let him escape at this point. No such surprise is forthcoming though as mere moments later, Bianca starts screeching at him as he leaves the house and he does what any sane person would do when hearing that high pitched shriek and starts running.

Max finds out about Phil dating his wife and being a man well known for self-constraint, runs round to open his mouth and allow the slurry of his incomprehensible words spread like verbal effluent through the room. King Phil turns up though and Max is quickly on his way!

Remember how there was the implication that Patrick was going to require a lengthy recovery? Yeah, forget that - he's out and about again with not a care in the world. Sadly, he makes the mistake of talking to Shirley and she's still trying to wring the last drops of emotion out of the whole 'Ev murder storyline. Jeez, give it up! You're the only person who even REMEMBERS her any more! You can't just have everyone forget about a character, then have another character whose own time on the show in the past eight months is more easily measured in seconds than minutes and expect anyone to care.

Oh, the comedy hijinks with karate class culminate in Tamwar being emo as Masood and AJ make comedy noises due to the strains they got from not warming up.

The date between Phil and Tanya continues, they even ponder aloud as to why it has taken them seven years to talk... no real answer is given, beyond of course the fact everyone in Walford tends to live in total isolation. Also, Tanya gets drunk and Phil rejects her advances - for about five seconds because Tanya wants to prove that she's as big a slag as any woman in Walford!

Tuesday 19 March 2013

Tuesday 19th March 2013

Tanya has remembered her son - who is now wearing glasses - and then demonstrating his attachment to his mother, he locks her out the house... why she hasn't got her keys with her... well, she's an idiot like all the other people in Walford. Fortunately for her, King Phil is doing his hundredth lap of the Square with Lexi and offers to watch the door... why it would need watching is not explained but love seems to be in the air between King Phil and Tanya... and it's sad when that is actually a more plausible romance than Ian and Denise or Sharon and ANYONE.

Operation "Lock-up Liam" enters its second day, with Bianca having slept next to Liam's door all night but it's only in the morning that Liam is shouting. Also, Misery Guts Carol doesn't seem too bothered about Bianca imprisoning her son.

Tanya gets keys from Max (and sees Kirstie fawning over him) and her ex-husband even points out the obvious - she's barely said a word to King Phil in all the time they've spent on the Square!

Ian's romance with Denise has made him want to follow his life long dream of opening a restaurant... Even though this is something he has never expressed an interest in before, despite having run several different catering businesses... clearly it's a brand new life long dream. Lucy seems to think that despite his total recovery (albeit with a radically different personality - but that's par for the course these days, even without a mental breakdown) he won't be able to do this.

Misery Guts Carol finally takes issue at operation "Lock-up Liam" and even mentions the fact Bianca should probably be, y'know AT WORK rather than playing jailer...

Tanya is holding onto Max's keys because it's "useful to have a spare"... oh, good grief. How stupid are you, woman? Are you trying to get in on Kat and Sharon's race to get women back to having all the rights of a piece of furniture? How petulant and just bottomlessly stupid is that sentence? First of all, have we forgotten that this is actually MAX'S HOUSE?! Secondly, why doesn't SHE have a spare of her own? This prompts her to lie about having a man - DUN DUN DUN!

Kat is not happy about the (thankfully) invisible Joey and Half-Day Alice making a mess and demands that (the mercifully invisible and inaudible) Moe kick them out, CUZ SHE'S FAMMMMMMLLLLEEEEE! She's forgotten that Moe is a friend to no one though. She and Bianca then congratulate one another on being mothers of the year.

Operation "Lock-up Liam" is not going very well because Liam has himself a tantrum.

The spontaneous romance between Phil and Tanya continues... could it be that Phil will inadvertently become the man that Tanya lied about having?!

Being a grown man, Ian lies to his daughter about going to see the financial advisor and lets her tell him what to do.

Kat's struggle to beat Sharon in setting women's rights back to the Stone Age as she tries the patience of even Saint Alfie by asking for him to fund a move out of her perfectly adequate (if occasionally messy) accommodation and in what will surely be seen as one of Saint Alfie's many miracles - he actually points out that Kat's front is not particularly attractive when you're on the outside looking in. Water into wine has nothing on that!

Despite Lucy's reservations, Ian meets the financial consultant in (where else?) the caffffffffffff but oops - he lets slip about his mental illness... which is a bad thing because mental illness in Eastenders is treated with about as much compassion and rationality as lepers were treated in the Bronze Age... and so, he's rejected because it's totally legal to discriminate against people like that!

Bianca and Liam have a conversation which boils down to his gang getting him and the only person that is bullying him is her. DUN DUN DUN! For a brief moment, it looks as if there will be a tearful reunion but this is Eastenders - so Liam throws it all back in her face and tells her she's the reason he's a wrongun, which prompts her to slap him and lock him back in his room. So... as he knocked over his meal, he probably hasn't had anything to drink for at LEAST twenty four hours... Nor has he had access to a toilet. This is making Phil's cold turkey in the sitting room of the Vic seem plausible.

Speaking of King Phil, despite not cooking the meal - dohoho - things between the slightly pretentious Tanya and the sociopathic criminal overlord and alcoholic crack head went rather well and it would appear that Sharon's hair - out a wandering - sees them having an awkward moment which looks like a kiss and she looks shocked... although, Sharon's facial expressions are impossible to read because of the thick make-up she wears... DOOF DOOF DOOF!

Monday 18 March 2013

Monday 18th March 2013

It seems that after being "hurled" to the ground, Bianca went home and had a good night's rest because it's the next day and she doesn't seem too fussed as Liam returns home to personify a sullen teenager.

Saint Alfie of Walford breaks into Kat's house because the door wasn't locked - just as well Walford is a crime free utopia, eh? - and when Kat asks how he got in, points out that while the Square may be known for a total absence of crime, it's possible Tommy could have gone wandering.

Jacknocchio and Sharon's hair are back from their impromptu minibreak... but Sharon seems more concerned that King Phil ignores her waving at him. It's worth pointing out that she waves at him when he has his back turned... OK, it's hard to tell one side of Phil from the other but not THAT hard.

Kat is still upset about Alfie wanting a contact order because she's a flighty, emotional and irrational woman who only a saint could endure.

Sharon aches to be near King Phil and so  meets him in the caffffffff because she is also a flighty, emotional and irrational woman who only a saint could endure... there's a strange pattern developing here but then Kat has got nothing on Sharon. She's very upset about him not acknowledging her wave.

Bianca insists on Liam going to school but he's not going because he has become KEVIN THE TEENAGER!

Ian and Denise's romance plods along. Yawn.

Ray - not having a job or a life of his own - is on call to watch Liam (now sleeping) while Bianca goes off somewhere.

A little bit of pointless conflict between Max and Sharon as he  looks at a house that is now for sale.

Phil and Tanya get to flirting in the cafffffff - apparently bald, overweight men falling asleep in public are a turn on for her... but then this is a woman who fell for a humanoid Scotch egg, so her taste in men isn't questionable - it doesn't exist. Then Sharon walks in to give her relationship advice - that's like asking a morbidly obese person for diet tips.

Tamwar has given away Kat and Bianca's stall - something he was well within his rights to do by all accounts but Kat being but a weak and feeble woman has to start shouting the odds, taking absolutely no responsibility for something that is entirely her fault. Even Bianca doesn't seem to buy into her attempts to pin the blame on Tamwar.

Ian perfectly describes his appeal as "more cake shop than catwalk", goodness. Was that an ACTUAL funny line? It's hard to tell given that it pertains to a sudden desire to impress Denise with his sartorial elegance...Yawn.

King Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart, so much so that even Max questions it but he has some motors and "an opportunity is an opportunity". Not worried about ZE SOCIAL any more then? King Phil even muses on how Max can't be making much money on the car lot... this is all starting to feel a little too close to violating the fourth wall. Max might as well say "Ah, you've decided to radically alter your motivations despite no discernible external or internal factor to prompt it." to whit Phil replies "Yes, quite but now you want to get back in to selling stolen cars because the plot requires that to happen."

Alfie makes the mistake of telling Jean things are going great with Kat - which isn't true and so, as surely as night follows day, she blubs to Kat... and Kat gets shouty and irrational again. Actually, it seems unfair to say that - she hasn't really STOPPED being shouty and irrational. Oh and Alfie points out that Tommy being part of an elaborate game of human pass the parcel is probably bad for him. About time! This only increases Kat's irrationality though and she petulantly demands her son... eh, you've still got nothing on Sharon.

Bianca has a meeting with Ava about Tiff and this quickly escalates into "IAYNT NEGLECTING MAH KIDDDS!"

Sharon - clearly feeling that Kat is trying to muscle in on her act - bursts into Phil's house, blurts out something that King Phil is baffled by and leaves. That was... confusing but if one scene summed up Sharon, it would be this one.

Kat is still waiting for Tommy and about the only reason for this seems to be so Michael can wind her up about not being a good mother.

Turns out - despite being in primary school - Ava has heard about Liam's gang problems. Oh and her son was in a gang. Handy. Let's hope it wasn't because he was black.

There's another scene about the Denise/Ian romance but the less said of it, the better. Unless you find the prospect of Ian's bulging gut appealing.

DA YOUFFFFFFFFF GANG are loitering outside Bianca's house and Liam is being forcibly restrained by Ray to prevent him leaving.

Having been chastened by Michael's words in the Vic, Kat decides to try and butter up Tamwar so that he won't give her stall away... or, you could just try the shocking idea of turning up on time. Too crazy?

Max and Jacknocchio are still inexplicably angry at one another. What are they? Twelve? This is also when Sharon announces the wedding is in three weeks... yes because weddings can just happen like that. Oh, it is in the club though.

Kat - despite having proven repeatedly in just one day that she is hysterical, irrational, irresponsible and just generally an all around terrible human being - assures Alfie that he doesn't need a piece of paper because he's Tommy's dad... Understandably, even Saint Alfie seems a little wary of this.

Not content to prevent him from leaving the house, Liam is now locked in his room. DOOF DOOF DOOF!

Friday 15 March 2013

Friday 15th March 2013

As if ten episodes in two weeks wasn't punishment enough, Eastenders has incorporated itself into the mawkish festival of Comic Relief this evening... so viewers are advised to at LEAST double their usual alcohol intake before even attempting to circumnavigate the self-congratulatory celebrity salvatores...

We get the last few moments of yesterday's episode with Bianca discovering Liam amongst DA YOUFFFFFF. In a subversion of expectation, when Liam blurts out that Bianca is his mother some of the multi-ethnic gang members tell him to respect his mother.

But things get immediately less amicable when she threatens to call the police. Ruhroh! Misery Guts and Twitney decide that the only thing better than one woman alone on a hellish council estate in the dead of night are THREE of them. Genius. People in horror films act more rationally than this.

Bianca decides to keep telling the gang about her plans to inform the police of their complicity in the mugging - really, that's just a great idea... provoke people you already know don't shy away from violence - but it doesn't seem as if Liam is paying much attention, standing gormlessly at the back of the group. The group even burst into laughter when Bianca tells him that she's making cottage pie.

But Liam stays with DA YOUFF, leading the ginger whinger to "attack" the gang leader, resulting in her being "thrown" to the ground but as this estate is apparently designed with more linearity than the first Super Mario game - Misery Guts and Twitney manage to find Bianca JUST as DA YOUFF (with Liam in tow) make an exit.

Thursday 14 March 2013

Thursday 14th March 2013

The fuzz leave Bianca, disappointed Liam wasn't there to interrogate... Goodness, it's almost as if turning up randomly at someone's house is a waste of time!

Thirsty Kirsty is having a go at Max for still talking to Tanya. After Max is done singing Tanya's praises, she tells him about Abi having sex (or playing connect four). As Max has as much emotional intelligence as his namesake, he immediately attempts to find Jay to ascertain whether this is true... So, Lauren having sex with her cousin is something he's fine with but Abi has sex with her long term boyfriend (who isn't a blood relative) and he's looking for blood? Oh, well that makes perfect sense.

Liam starts spinning his web of lies and it seems as if Bianca is going to let hope triumph over experience. Who cares? Let's just see him getting hauled off to jail after accidentally shooting an uncle, so this can be EVEN MORE like the storyline with Billie!

Max has worked himself up into a full on Scotch Egg rage and enters the house and starts screaming incoherently... actually, that's pretty much the majority of all Max's conversations. A series of guttural utterances that even primitive humanoids would think were backwards... but then, it seems fair to say that Homo Walfordus is proof that evolution is not an inexorable series of improvements and is often marred with many wrong steps and dead ends.

So, after getting shirty with Jacknocchio for no reason, Max finds Jay and threatens to beat him but Jay plays the old "Go on then!" which is essentially the equivalent of saying "this sentence is a lie" to a computer. Max - for about the millionth time - tells Jay if he hurts her, he'll kill him... he might as well greet Jay with that, given how often he's said it.

Kat rolls into the Vic to have a chat with Alfie but he won't say what it's about because Poxy is lurking.

Bianca has the suddenly naive Misery Guts Carol defending Liam - after all, it's not as if he's had a radical personality alteration and started hanging out with DA YOUFFFFFF GANG! Then Bianca tells Carol she lied to the police... and Misery Guts Carol insists that this is all because Liam is being bullied... you keep using that word, Carol but you seem to have no idea what it means. In a moment of lucidity, Bianca points out that Liam has been lying as if it's going out of fashion... and leaves before Misery Guts can misuse the word "bullying" again.

Kirstie and Kat are now BFFs somehow - bonding over the fact Poxy is a vacuous blonde.

Max comes over to tell Tanya and Abi everything is sorted. They point out the only thing that needed sorted was his homicidal rage, which understandably makes him feel almost as stupid as he is. So then he unleashes a tirade on Jacknocchio for having the audacity to visit Tanya for dinner, even going so far as to escort him out the house and threaten fisticuffs.

Alfie finally tells Kat why he wanted to talk to her - which is because he wants to have a contact order for Tommy. Which, as most people would realise, is perhaps not the nicest way to formalise a relationship but is generally a necessary evil as people sometimes go bonkers. Kat takes umbrage at this because Saint Alfie must have a life fraught with insurmountable torment and struggle.

Bianca - despite having said she was going to get potatoes - is in the laundrette, gazing at the morbid poster. Kat walks in for some reason. Kat has the inside track on DA YOUFFFFFF GANG because the police always just give out details like that into ongoing investigations. Knowing this, Bianca goes bonkers and heads off to one of the infinite number of slum estates that surrounds the slum of Walford...

She then runs into Tamwar in the cafffffff and he didn't get his money belt back. OHOH! Clearly Liam learned to lie from his uncle Derek.

NO ONE WANTS TO KARAOKE! OH NO! Kirstie uses this opportunity to give Poxy some abuse - always a good idea to insult your employer who has already fired you and took you back for essentially no reason other than the fact people in Walford at least have to pretend to have jobs. So, it looks as if Jean might have to sing!

Kat stops round at Bianca's to inform Misery Guts and Twitney (who just reappeared after several weeks of absence) that the ginger whinger is going into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell! Sure enough, Bianca is stupid enough to go alone onto a council estate the police themselves described as "the wasteland". Lone single women at night are well known to be especially safe in economically deprived areas with gangs! Oh and despite the fact this nightmare estate is huge, naturally Bianca is able to find Liam having a bit of a scrap. Let's see Misery Guts explain that away as bullying.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Wednesday 13th March 2013

Abi is sneaking back into her house, post-coitus... having fallen asleep after the deed... Isn't that supposed to be a guy thing? Unbeknownst to Jay or Abi though, Kirsty is watching them!

And this is apparently a busy night on the Square as even though we've established it's 3am, Bianca is sitting in the kitchen (with the lights off to indicate she's depressed) and Alfie and Poxy are both awake... and about to make the beast with the two backs. They're certainly trying to help the nation stay trim...

Abi is rumbled by her mother and after her flimsy lie falls apart, she admits that she was at Jay's. Leaving her mother looking baffled.

Morning has broken and Ian is sneaking out of the B&B... apparently telling women you almost offed yourself is quite an aphrodisiac... but Kim hears the door slamming and Denise utterly fails to deflect the question of who she slept with.

Tanya lays down the law for Abi and then asks Abi if she is having "the sex". Abi points out that with her parents, it's a miracle she hasn't tried to seduce someone to bury Jay alive by now... or words to that effect. Checkmate, Tanya.

Bianca tries to lure Liam into telling the truth but predictably, he says nothing.

Alfie tells porkies to Poxy about going to the lawyer but Patrick is there and he knows that he's lying!

Kim quizzes Ray as to whether he slept with Denise. Kim's primitive brain has now narrowed the list of potential suspects down to any man on planet Earth minus Ray.

Tamwar, now being the hero of the battle of Walford market has both Goonie AND Jacknocchio tell him that they're keeping an eye out for the multi-ethnic youffffffffffffffffff gang that beat him up. How very reassuring for him.

Oh, wow. Max remembers that he still has kids! Someone ought to remind Jack.

Misery guts Carol the world's greatest detective settles down with Bianca to try and work out why Liam would have Tamwar's money belt. Despite ALL the evidence there is, Carol INSISTS that it's not Liam's fault and somehow convinces Bianca of this... clearly they're working the Sherlock Holmes angle - once you eliminate the impossible and such.

Alfie comes clean and tells Poxy what anyone that has any knowledge of the real world would know - that as he's not the biological father of Tommy and hasn't any formal legal relationship to him, his rights are precisely zero in the eyes of the law. How could anyone be surprised by this?

Shirley materialises from whatever pocket dimension she is stored in ninety percent of the time and tells Bianca that Liam is hanging out with a youffffffffffffff gang!

Tanya and Abi have a very prosaic "you're growing  up" talk. Yawn.

DCI Kim is still trying to track down Denise's mystery man, aided by a belt buckle...

Parole officer perv and misery guts Carol are getting on like a house on fire - which makes Masood sad but it's OK because they've got two hundred pounds toward Tamwar's tuition! Just the best part of twenty grand to go then.

Bianca is still  in the laundrette and is only just NOW getting to talk to Dot. Possibly not the best person to get advice on raising a child from a woman who raised a drug using psychopath who has tried to kill her on more than one occasion...

Kim's investigations into the Phantom Shagger #2 come to an end when Skeletor walks in and says that the belt is Ian's. Oh dear.

It appears that concern about the Walford PD suffering budget cuts were premature as two police officers - one a DCI - appear for another housecall and it would seem that Bianca is going to cover for her son BUT FOR HOW LONG?!

Tuesday 12 March 2013

Tuesday 12th March 2013

Apparently Tamwar standing up to the gang has made him the most popular man in the Square... people got him cards and everything. The best part about that is how plausible it is! But his happiness (actually, it's Tamwar so he still looks as if he's trying to pass a kidney stone) is short lived as Geordie Racer has sent Masood flowers!

It seems as if Tiffany is now a material witness to Tamwar's mugging. As usual, a police officer turns up on their doorstep to conduct an interview... perhaps the most surprising thing is that it's only ONE police officer - usually they get two. Those cuts, eh? Liam is also bunking off school (again).

Tamwar is not happy when he finds out that his father was potentially going to run away with Geordie Racer... Oh no! A slightly disgruntled Tamwar... will anyone be able to bring themselves to give a damn about anything Tamwar says or does because of this?! THE SUSPENSE! IT'S TOO MUCH!

Bunking off regularly and being part of a gang, has led the school to write a letter to Bianca telling her how great Liam is after their chat last month. Bianca seems as proud as punch and decides that Liam's obviously fake cough is grounds for letting Liam bunk-off. To be fair, if he's anything like his father there's more chance of a rock getting good GCSEs than him. Also, it's nice to see that Ricky has been totally forgotten.

Tamwar gets a standing ovation when he walks into the market but even that can't get rid of the constipated look from his face and he then goes on to confront his father about Geordie Racer.

Bianca is showing off her letter about Liam's exemplary attendance, dramatically increasing the possibility of it being fake. Ian is not particularly impressed, as he has to work in the caffffffffff instead of Carol.

Oh and Tamwar, being petulant and constipated decides the best thing to do is tell his mother about what Masood has been up to. Actually, it'll be what he imagines Masood has been up to. He has nothing to base his suspicions on beyond a card and some flowers.

Denise and Ian flirt a bit and for some reason, the caffffffffffffff needs to get milk from the minimart. This is explained by Ian saying that it's "all over the place". Uh, maybe you should get a handle on that then Ian or at least tell Skeletor.

Misery guts Carol gets a mysterious phone call from the pervy probation officer and he's being all cryptic. As this is a matter too important for him to discuss over the phone, the logical place for them to meet is in a local pub. Also Liam and Tiff are bickering and Misery guts Carol shows a marked disinterest in helping Tiff deal with Liam's belligerence .. something very much at odds with the personality she used to have. Looks like someone else paid a visit to the ever popularity personality transplant clinic at Walford General!

Denise returns home (she'd done a whole five minutes of work!) to find Ian made Patrick some lunch. Clearly, the way to a woman's heart is through her not-father's stomach! Patrick is wise to Ian's game though - which makes is strange that Denise seems so surprised.

It turns out the pervy probation officer has been reassigned and Bianca is STILL going on about that letter. Jeez, shut up about it already, Bianca!

AJ is coaching Masood on what to tell Tamwar. Masood doesn't seem to think that telling an edited version of events is right... and that's when Tamwar pops up, having overheard an unknown amount of the conversation.

Ian talks about being his experience reverting to a feral trampoid subhumanoid and apparently Denise just eats up him telling her what a terrible wreck of a man he was during his absence from Walford. A packet of crisps saved his life! Cheese and onion crisps save lives, people. After this tearful revelation, he and Denise hug... and then it's some kissing after a tacit admission of love.

Socially awkward Tamwar has Masood explain the Geordie Racer scenario to him. Yawn.

Denise and Ian plan their secret affair and they're not the only ones because as Patrick goes to the bookies (seems like his recovery is coming along a pace if he can navigate the clearly snow covered streets of Walford) he sees Jay and Abi on their way to the B&B. Perhaps someone should start a count down to a pregnancy scare!

Probation officer perv and Carol meet. He knows about Billie dying. Turns out he wasn't a perv, he just wanted to get to know her because he lost his daughter too and when he found THAT out, he just wanted to become her best friend in the world. Hence, he had to recuse himself from being Bianca's probation officer.

Having gone on about Liam's letter from the school ALL episode, it should come as no surprise that as soon as she looks around - she finds stationary which was clearly used to create the letter she was so excited about and the money belt that was stolen from Tamwar. DUN DUN DUN!

Monday 11 March 2013

Monday 11th March 2013

Bianca - being a working class mother that the Crayon Crew have to patronise - is clearly neglecting the fact that Liam has fallen in with the rainbow gang of youffffffffffffffff.

Dot has kicked Pointless Poppy out and this has upset her... and where else would they end up than the B&B. Which means we get to see the stomach churning sight of Max and his (secret) wife (sans make-up... the natural look isn't working for her) canoodling.

Tamwar has an important meeting... but no one in the Masood house can do laundry. So he looks like more of a berk than usual, which is saying something.

Ian makes conversation with Patrick - who advises him to just ask Denise out... goodness, this romance is so exciting!

Tamwar's important meeting - in the cafffffff, as most important meetings are - is with some market inspector chap... who tells Tamwar he's an idiot for believing the claptrap excuses of the people on the market and that he has to get them to pay their dues BY THE END OF THE DAY!

Kat isn't happy about the divorce because she doesn't seem to realise that lawyers are a necessary evil.

Liam's youffffffffffffffffffff gang are in the laundrette but Dot immediately kicks them out. Then she has an awkward conversation with Tamwar that will almost certainly diminish your will to live.

Poxy gives Alfie some advice on divorce proceedings - obviously, she's an expert on these kind of matters of  law being about as intelligent as a frozen fishfinger - but that doesn't last long as Secret Wife is on hand to moan about being in the B&B. Oh, if ONLY Max owned a house on the Square. OH! WAIT! HE DOES! Or if you don't want to force that issue, rent somewhere! This is apparently how she goes about the topic of getting a raise for her five minutes of work a week... the idiocy of this situation is ridiculous.

Pointless Poppy is STILL upset about being kicked out of Dot's and moans about this to Abi, who then goes on to complain how sixth form is so expensive... it is?

Alfie realises that having been divorced more time than he's had hot dinners will probably be a more reliable source of information than his lobotomised girlfriend and so tactlessly asks about it. Then Patrick appears! And Ian might be going on a date!

Pointless Poppy & Secret Wife have a discussion about life in the B&B, where they are now both in residence

Tamwar lacking a spine ineffectively asks Kat and Goonie for their pitch fees, in a manner more bashful than a teen talking to a member of the opposite sex for the first time. This leads them to the conclusion he's gone power mad... or, y'know - you're just being petulant children who are abusing his inability to interact with other human beings in anything approximating a normal manner.

Secret Wife is doing the rounds on the Square and offers Kat some legal advice. As Alfie has nothing better to do than occasionally walk into conversation Kat is having, he tells her things are going to be fine but she's worried what Tommy will think. It seems unlikely he knows what is going on, given that he's part of an ongoing game of pass the parcel.

The multi-ethnic youfffffffffffff gang appear and it's all down to Tamwar to stop their reign of terror - which consists of kicking litter around outside the cafffffffffff. What they haven't taken into account is that Tamwar is the most socially awkward human alive and merely being in proximity to him is unbearable if you've not become acclimatised... so they all slink off. Which gets him a round of applause.

Poxy admonishes Saint Alfie for not moving on... yeah a whole what... two months after he found out his wife was cheating on him? How long was he married for? Quite a while... and he's just supposed to be over this? Surprisingly, Saint Alfie doesn't just supinely take this but tells Poxy to shut her cakehole... about damned time. He's contrite immediately afterwards which spoils it a bit though.

Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuur goes for a heart to heart with Dot because he seems to be aware that there is more involved in Pointless Poppy's ejection from the house than merely his naked sleep walking.

Now, it's Monday on the Square and we all know what that means! PARTY NIGHT! The whole work week ahead of you, so what better way to prepare yourself for four more days of work that getting paralytically drunk? Which is why Secret Wife and Goonie are in the Vic getting drunk. Max does not seem impressed by this but Kat - who suggested this game - seems happy. Then she plays pass the parcel with Tommy. Is it normal for people to pass their kids around this many times a day?

Ian and Denise's romance is already on the rocks. Oh no!

The multi-ethnic youffffffffff gang orchestrates with military precision a hit on Tamwar, punching him and taking the pitch money. Oh no! And Tiffany saw it all! OH NO!

Pointless Poppy has turned up to tell Dot that she's forgiven and tells PP she can come back and despite having moments ago said that she and Arffuuuuuuuuur were going to get a place together immediately agrees! Oh no!

And it turns out Liam was the mastermind behind the heist! OH NO!

Friday 8 March 2013

Friday 8th March 2013

Dot is pondering her letter from the council but just puts it back in the drawer it was in.

The slack jawed gawkers of Walford seem amazed that the shop is closed, unaware that within are trapped Ian and Denise - love's young dream... OK, middle aged desperation and fear of dying alone.

Phil is all smiles and sunshine - which prompts Count Monula to taunt Jack by saying "it must be  a bird". Jacknocchio goes to give Sharon's hair the third degree which is something she could certainly do with getting more - pointing out that he's left looking after the son she seemed to be having separation anxiety about only a month or two ago. Although, it seems strange he'd go on about ignoring kids given the number he has and barely remembers, let alone tends to.

Billy Idiot shouts at Lola and rightly points out King Phil is a capricious man and there's a good chance that he'll turn around and do the exact opposite of what he said last night - which is to say, grass her up to the police for becoming Ronnie #2.

Liam has reappeared - remember how he had a storyline about being a teenage tearaway? No? WHAT GREAT PACING! Anyway, Bianca is fussing over him and reminding us that in the eyes of the Crayon Crew - poor people are stupid. Also, parole officers can meet you in the caffffffff and flirt with your mother. This is starting to feel like a rinse and repeat of Carol's fling with a police officer and it hasn't even started. Yawn.

Pointless Poppy is eating humble pie for having gentlemen callers. This causes Dot to start quoting the Bible - never a good sign. Then PP makes the mistake of mentioning ZE COUNCIL! Ruhroh, that'll make Dot have one of her nervous turns.

Denise is the only person with keys to the shop - causing PP to assume she has been murdered. Kim being even more stupid than PP thinks this is true and tries to break in. This tomfoolery interrupts the musings of Ian and Denise on their night together - which is that they kind of like one another - because it sets off the alarm.

Dot takes to talking to Liam about school and gives him some money and tells him to stop truanting. Liam looks as if he might be thieving but instead returns the money to Dot's purse. Presumably he's dealing "the drugs" to make money, so he doesn't need help from Dot... oh and Dot talks about tackling problems before they get out of control. Dohoho!

Parole officer perv goes ahead  and asks Carol out on a date... no, there's no conflict of interest in dating the mother of one of your charges. That's the kind of thing they're not bothered about - obviously. Then Count Moonula tells her that Half-Day Alice has got her father's ashes down the back of the sofa in a carrier bag.

Ian and Denise are still trapped, as Denise doesn't want to be gossiped about but then the fuzz arrive and thankfully the alarm is turned off. They go into the store room to find only Ian but of course, Denise is hiding and Ian helps her to escape to safety.

King Phil turns up to demand Lola and Billy Idiot seek an audience with him in the afternoon. Then shouts at Sharon - your Ozzie Osborne impression needs work, Phil.

Kim is still agitating about Denise's "disappearance" but her sister appears and after a moment of confusion, it seems that Kim is stupid enough to think that Denise somehow locked up the shop without noticing Ian was trapped in the storeroom. Wait a second... the front door was locked, the alarm was on... did Denise do that BEFORE she got trapped in the storeroom. That makes no sense or did someone come in AFTER her to lock-up and if that's the case, why didn't Ian and Denise hear them? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!

Half-Day Alice suddenly remembers that she actually only knew her father for eight months... funny how she seems to have forgotten about her mother who she has known her entire life! Time for them to scatter Derek's ashes though.

The united street gangs of Benetton - comprised of every colour of the rainbow - appear... and as they're DA YOUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF they are up to no good and who should help them escape from the British Transport Police other than Liam? DUN DUN DUN!

Dot checks the letter from ZE COUNCIL from the expression on her face - not good news.

Liam goes to meet DA YOUFF outside absolutely-not-KFC but Shirley sees him with them and apparently, gangs of YOUFF make loadsa money... so Liam considers packing it in at the dangerously-close-to-copyright-infringement franchise and turning to the dark side... meaning, he wants to join DA YOUFF GANG!

Long boring scene with Half-Day Alice scattering her father's ashes with Kat and Carol. NEXT!

Ah, King Phil's diabolical plan comes to fruition. He pretends that he has been too lax with Lola and then plays off to SS Officer Joyless the fact his brief ripped into Lola as just him showing off...  Uh, no. That's something a brief would need to be specifically instructed to do. Anyway, Billy Idiot and Lola seem to be surprised that they've been shafted again and SS Officer Joyless doesn't really have any follow up questions to the obvious lie she has just been told. Then King Phil takes Billy Idiot off on a clandestine mission.

And Dot's house is getting repossessed!

Thursday 7 March 2013

Thursday 7th March 2013

Cora is here to save the day! Indeed, she has arrived to clear her name by catching a thief and she's not taking no for an answer!

Billy Idiot arrives at the Arches and concludes that with the fifty or sixty pounds Lola has taken - she could be ANYWHERE. Yes. It's not as if she left with a baby and absolutely no supplies.

Denise and Ian hijinks continue in a manner that was tired back in the eighties.

Dot and Cora continue to watch for the ham thief... it's like watching paint dry.

King Phil is driving around London in his Chelsea tractor... because the first place Lola would go would be some random street out in the surburbs. He's about to forcibly eject Billy Idiot from the car but Sharon's hair notices that Lola made another call. It took them THIS long to check who she called?

Ian shows Denise his tattoo, which apparently is some kind of shocking revelation and means he's a totally different person.

Back to watching paint dry where Cora and Dot debate the existence of ghosts and the soul.

King Phil finds that despite having  pressed criminal charges against her - and thus being responsible for her current predicament - Lola went to the leader of the Chav Troop for help and has gone to Tottenham, despite the assurance that she isn't there (after having taken King Phil's money), they have to check the house full of youffffffffff.

Ian and Denise are now onto impressions, which Denise takes as a good opportunity to make light of Ian's trampoid meltdown. Realising this, she apologises. That makes it all better then. This is actually the first time Ian has talked about his trampoid experience... an odd juncture for this. Oh and Ian apparently identified as Jesus during his trampoid stage.

Lola WAS staying with the Chav Troop - what a surprise. They're all smiles and sunshine now... and this is where Lola will hide out.

Arffffuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy return home to find Cora and Dot fast asleep on the sofa. So they put a blanket over them. Awww...

Billy Idiot and Dexter Fletcher are doing the "have you seen this girl" routine, in apparently random places...  that's unlikely to be fruitful. If only they knew Lola was sobbing her eyes out as a party is keeping her awake,  Lexi appears to be having a ball though. Oh no, the fuzz! CHEESE IT!

The thief has been uncovered! It was sleepwalking Arfffffffuuurr! Naked sleep walking Arfffffffffffffuuuuurrrr.

Ian and Denise talk about what romantic failures they are before having a kiss. Yikes.

Dot is upset about Pointless Poppy having gentlemen callers and lying about it but this is clearly projection about her own financial problems. No! Dot, don't think about them! If you forget about them, they'll disappear.

Sharon's hair has a go at King Phil and tells him that he's a monster. Lexi is just a replacement for Gok Ben - tell us something we don't know!

Cora has clocked that something is off with Dot and after proving she had given her key back, swaggers off  and Dot is in a state because of it. Perhaps she shouldn't leave that letter somewhere easily accessible.

Denise wants to hook up with Ian because people can ONLY be happy if they're in a relationship. Especially if they're women.

King Phil and Sharon go to a playground where Lola went as a child... given the size of London, it's remarkable that the Chav Troop's house was within walking distance of it... because of COURSE Lola is here as she mentioned it once to Sharon but she manages to hide. Which gives Sharon and Phil a chance to kiss - as if you didn't hate Sharon enough, eh?

Lexi gives herself away, presumably because she's as sick of this storyline as everyone else and King Phil gives Lola and Lexi and hug and thankfully, it's all over.

Wednesday 6 March 2013

Wednesday 6th March 2013

King Phil, imbued with divine kingly powers knows from an open door that Lola has absconded with Lexi. Cue the bellowing sunburnt boiled egg shouting her name every couple of seconds... only for us to find that she is hiding behind a wall with Lexi sitting quietly in a pram. So, she managed to bring Lexi downstairs, get her silently into a pram and the only noise that gave her away was the door?! Wow, Lola must have accidentally gotten some ninja lessons when she was learning how to do hair.

Sharon's hair is drunk... and fortunately, ignores a call from King Phil. Oh, wait - he is calling her for more than twenty seconds and immediately Sharon's hair knows SOMETHING IS WRONG. Funny how people in Walford either leave their phones off or will pick them up REGARDLESS of what they're doing. You get the impression Sharon would have answered mid-coitus

Dot is going on about her "cold cuts" to Cora, who understandably tells Dot that she is bonkers. She is also not forthcoming with an apology for the alleged theft of the ham in question. For some reason, this makes Dot look as if she's having a fit.

Having just made up with Sharon's hair, Jacknocchio is keen to try and rub her up the wrong way as she runs off to King Phil's beck and call. Amazingly, Jack seems to have taken that proto-spine he had before and evolved into a full fledged vertebrate! He says he just did EVERYTHING she had asked of him but she throws it back in his face and when she says "there's a kid", points out that he's the one who is looking after the Kinder Egg abomination that she couldn't bare to be apart from only a couple of months ago... clearly the baby of a girl you barely know is a higher priority than the man you plan to marry or your own son! That was quite a breath of fresh air.

Dot's paranoia continues as she insists that Cora must have a key - she doesn't. Dot tries to goad  her into apology but this doesn't seem to work. So, Cora just walks out.

Lola's escape hasn't gone very well, as she hasn't even got enough money to get out of Walford... although, where she'd go after that is a mystery... but as she's about to return to the flat, she sees King Phil and Billy Idiot going in! King Phil plows in shouting "Lola!" He's starting to say it so much the word doesn't have any meaning! Then he looks lost when she isn't there.

Ian is talking up an aubergine... perhaps he's not over his trampoid mental lapse. Denise overhears him but doesn't put two and two together...

King Phil accuses Billy Idiot of being in on Lexi's baby heist but then he tells him this is all fault. Sadly, before he can punch Billy Idiot's head into a bloody pulp, Sharon's hair arrives to intercede. Then SHE tells him that he brought this on himself.

Back to the wacky romantic hijinks! Ian goes to try and ask Denise out. Fortunately she works this out and cuts short his blundering invitation but that doesn't stop the "neither of us are getting any younger" and telling her that she's menopausal. She then flirts with the delivery man to teach Ian a lesson.

King Phil busts into Tanya's house but Lola goes to the last place he'd expect - THE ARCHES! Where Dexter Fletcher is on hand to offer support. Cora isn't intimidated by King Phil though and is happy that Lexi has absconded with her baby!

Ian chases off the flirty delivery man by pretending to be married to Denise. That's a good way to win a woman over.

Cora returns to the laundrette and decides she will get to the bottom of Dot's problems by tempting her with  booze! It doesn't work though, as Dot wanders off.

The wacky hijinks never end with Ian and Denise as they hilariously get stuck in the back of the shop but "Wait!" you shout at your TV (probably because you've had one too many white wine spritzers to try and cope with a week involving five episodes of Eastenders) "This might have worked back in the 90s but everyone has a mobile now!" Ah but you see, dear viewer... it's not as if people keep their phones with them! Except, most people do - making the scene seem contrived.

Oh and Dexter Fletcher's mum gets him to go and grass up Lola but by the time King Phil arrives at the Arches, Lola and Lexi  have scarpered with the contents of the cash box.

Tuesday 5 March 2013

Tuesday 5th March 2013

Lola's tiny chav brain is clearly overwhelmed with emotion as she stands screeching and crying at King Phil. Strangely enough, it takes Sharon's hair to actually speak to her at more than a hushed whisper both Billy Idiot and her brief just stare into the middle distance as the judge tells her to simmer down and only when the judge threatens to have her hauled off kicking and screaming does Lola sit down and guess what? Screaming  the odds in court doesn't go down well with judges. King Phil twirls his moustache as Lola strops out of the court.

SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL comes out of the courtroom asking King Phil about the allegations he's made out of the blue. Strange, you'd think a good time to mention that you hadn't heard anything about them might have been IN THE HEARING and of course, the scumbag lawyer is oozing his way out on a trail of oil while congratulating himself, Billy Idiot tries to threaten King Phil and is immediately rebuffed. Sharon's hair doesn't understand what is going on because she's thicker than two short planks and Jacknocchio turned up for some reason.

Back in the Square, Patrick is apparently now Denise and Kim's top priority. Which is why they fired the carer and she's running out the door to let someone that shouldn't be allowed to run a bath look after a vulnerable adult. Oh and Patrick smashes a bowl of soup trying to get a spoon... are we supposed to be reading into this that Patrick was very impatient, very stupid or is suffering from the onset of some form of dementia? Actually, he was able to punch Denise clear across the room standing on one leg drunk, so a spoon should have been easy.

Lola - for no discernible reason... although, that could be added to most sentences describing motivation in Eastenders - seems to think that Sharon's hair was in on King Phil's betrayal. Fortunately, Lola is able to tell Sharon she's stupid... it seems Sharon has made peace with this. Oh and SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL seems ineffectively sorry. What a character arc she has gone through... joyless jobs worth, joyless tyrannical overbearing officious bureaucratic visitor of injustice and now joyless ineffectual cog in the system.

Dot is trying to ignore away her financial problems... good luck, Dot!

Unfortunately, the "shocking" (in much the same way as one might be shocked that something knocked off a table progresses downward) revelation that King Phil was just trying to re-enact Ronnie's baby thieving antics in slow motion has got Sharon's hair in an all out asthma attack and what with it being Lola who is the aggrieved party here, it's understandable how Sharon's hair is all just "me, me, me". Somebody call this woman a wahmbulance.

Never before in the history of humanity has a mother being unjustly separated from her own child been a cause of such petty complaining by someone who barely knows them. If you SOMEHOW managed to not hate, loathe and actively despise Sharon and think that the prospect of an eternity being tortured in some manner of afterlife seemed too lenient a punishment for her truly sickening character, this is a good opportunity for you to reconsider.

So Jacknocchio apologises unreservedly. OK, he was in the wrong for hiding her passport but other than that Sharon has been repeatedly unreasonable and Jack has been outclassing Saint Alfie in terms of unimaginable patience in the face of overwhelming idiocy and insufferability.

Lola's spirit is broken and so, she bawls her eyes out going on about how being in care is in their blood... you'd think that would have been a point at which she might mention her own father... guess not. The only thing Billy Idiot can say is that SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL said she did a good job in court... yes, screaming the odds and crying your eyes out - that REALLY won the judge over.

Dot seems to have had one of her funny turns. For some reason she's calling cold meat "cold cuts", which is an Americanism if ever there was one and probably one the likes of which Dot wouldn't even be aware of. Then she starts blathering on about how her "cold cuts" have gone missing, prompting Arfffffffuuuuuur to suggest it's a poltergeist .. Which Pointless Poppy takes seriously, lest we had forgotten she's in the running for Walford's thickest. Fortunately, Dot tells Pointless Poppy not to be silly.

Sharon's hair goes round to console Lola but despite the fact she has decided to be her surrogate mother or some such, she can't go round and see King Phil because she and Jacknocchio need to smooth things over RIGHT NOW... even though he just told her she could sort things out with Lola. This means it's down to Billy Idiot to do it but Lola points out King Phil pays more attention to things he gets on his shoe that what Billy Idiot says...

Pointless Poppy and Arfffffffffffur seem to think that Dot is going mental, something she does little to dissuade them of when she comes in and says that she knows who the ham thief is. IT'S CORA! Yes, Cora not content with bringing down over a thousand pounds of rent arrears and a fraud investigation on Dot's head has now escalated her campaign to grand theft pork. Dot seems to clock the two youfffffffff think she is going bonkers though... it's not really fair that Poppy should be throwing stones, given the glass house her excuse for an intellect resides within but perhaps this is just the Crayon Crew reflecting the truth of the Dunning-Kruger effect. No, just kidding, the Crayon Crew's writings are clearly a demonstration of it though.

So, Billy Idiot and King Phil have their... pathetic confrontation.

Sharon's hair is being insufferable again. She seems angry that Jacknocchio was entirely justified in everything he said about Phil and then takes him to task for trying to apologise. Oh and she think this relationship is a partnership... just one where Jacknocchio has to agree with absolutely everything you do, regardless of how stupid it is (and it is all VERY stupid) and basically just be an enabler who can never offer even a contradictory opinion. Again, Hell would be too mild a punishment for this character.

Jacknocchio is prodded into talking about Ronnie... it's shocking he even remembers her, really... and then perhaps the most bald faced lie ever told - he says that Sharon's hair is just as good looking as Ronnie. Wow, it's a miracle Jacknocchio's nose doesn't shoot across the  room and impale Sharon to the wall given the size of that porkie.

Ian has smuggled some rum to Patrick but this is just a ruse to get the dirt on Denise.

King Phil is surprised Billy Idiot is still in his house but the only card Billy Idiot has to play is the sob story... which really means that he's just banking on Phil having one of his characteristic sudden changes of heart. A risky strategy as even if he does, he probably won't stick with it.

Sharon's hair makes the mistake of comparing Jacknocchio to King Phil (she actually goes so far as saying they both have their own kingdoms and are ready to go to war...  seriously, first Max and now Sharon... what's up with this? Real people don't talk like this!) and then finally, FINALLY Jacknocchio locates (or spontaneously grows) a vertebrae of some description and tells Sharon to stop playing the victim. HALLELUJAH!

He then essentially tells her, she's a slag... which leads him to slap him and then they kiss and things look as if they're about to get serious. Time for the ol' brain bleach.

Dot is doing some CSI Walford by accounting for all her crockery... or possibly trying to bore Pointless Poppy and Arffffffffffffffur to death  as punishment for thinking her a loon and after having proven she has the history of every single item in her kitchen memorised, she heads off to confront Cora. It feels as if they missed an opportunity for Dot to say "When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains - however improbable must be the truth."

Kim calls Denise JUST to tell her that she thinks Ian isn't so bad... while Patrick cottons on to the fact that Ian likes Denise and insists that he call her... which Ian will do, after he's had some more rum. Just as well he doesn't have a son with a new face or a stall to run, eh?

Jacknocchio and Sharon post-coital. This is probably how Sam Neill felt in Event Horizon and if you haven't seen that film, it's a good sci-fi horror including a pre-Matrix Laurence Fishburne. Also Sean Pertwee.

Lola breaks into King Phil's house - oh, wait... the door is unlocked because y'know, Walford is a crime free paradise. Then she sneaks in to listen to the ongoing Billy Idiot/King Phil discussion. Bad news for Lola though, despite his best efforts at being pathetic - King Phil seems adamant (for now) that Lexi is staying with him and then we doof doof doof with them finding the front door open. Perhaps Lola has absconded with Lexi? Who cares?

Monday 4 March 2013

Monday 4th March 2013

Lola is hugging a stuffed toy and tucking it in as Billy Idiot shouts up the stairs. OK, she's emotional because of the hearing and there's no problem with her crying or maybe regressing sufficiently to hold a toy (especially if it was Lexi's, although the fact it's not partially digested suggests that isn't the case) but TUCKING IT IN?! Keep that up Lola and they might just haul you away.

King Phil apparently has a different brief and has Sharon eating out of his hand. No change there then... and as usual, she misses the grimace as she mentions the prospect of Lexi returning to Lola... but then, when Sharon jumps it's a miracle she manages to hit the Earth on her way down.

THE B&B HAS GUESTS! HOLY MOLY! Guests that are having breakfast!  Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? Denise is a little uneasy around Patrick, what with him having punched her in the face the other day.

Lola is unimpressed by Billy Idiot's breakfast... as it appears to be ash on toast - that's hardly surprising. He then goes on to assure her about the outcome of the hearing, telling her with "all she has achieved" that this is pretty much a foregone conclusion... that's like saying you've got a sweetheart back home and when you get back you're going to settle down, have some kids and buy a farm... which, if you're wondering is where the expression "buying the farm" comes from, as a euphemism for death. You probably weren't wondering but you never know when general knowledge might save your life.

Kat wearing some kind of red cheetah patterned fur coat out of a fashion designer's darkest nightmares appears in Half-Day Alice's house and starts going on about Tommy (who she has packed off to playgroup) but there's rent that needs paying and Half-Day is still penniless... Was there nothing in Derek's will? Surely he must have had SOMETHING? And why is it presented as if the only thing for her to do is somehow eke out a wretched existence in Walford? What about her mother?

Lola is getting brief by SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL but everyone's favourite peroxide chavling just snaps and storms off. Billy Idiot doesn't even run after her.

Dot is fussing around when Pointless Poppy intrudes and then Arfffffffffffffffur joins in but he's brought a letter from... THE COUNCIL! It feels as though there should have been some thunder when Dot saw it.

Half-Day Alice is asking Count Moonula (despite him having given her a watch and explained his cash flow problems) for money and he just tells her to go up and raid Janine's jewellery and sell it off... Which makes you wonder why - if he is so unattached to it all and so hard up for money - this isn't something HE has undertaken. Oh, right - that would require the Crayon Crew to write characters and not just empty vessels for the plot.

Max remarks upon the unfortunate nature of Patrick's situation to Denise but seems decidedly unforthcoming as regards offers of his supernatural healing abilities to cure the lame (as he did with Jack), perhaps he was going to but Tanya and Jacknocchio interrupted?

SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL tells Billy Idiot that Lola's temper is her biggest hurdle... more like a brick wall if she blows up when people are just explaining what's going to happen in the hearing. It's so bad that Lola has gone to Pointless Poppy for solace... wow, that's a real low.

Arffffffffffur realises something is wrong with Dot and puts the kettle on. Magda tells Patrick things aren't easy for older gentlemen. Yawn.

King Phil greets his new brief with a harumph and then tells him they need a talk. OHOH! Could it be that King Phil is planning to stitch Lola up? It would be a real surprise if he didn't.

Lola receives ANOTHER motivational speech from Billy Idiot... two in one day? That's enough to break anyone's morale.

Max walks in on Patrick raising his voice to Magda - apparently, the Crayon Crew seem to think that people specialising in care for the elderly treat old people exactly the same as children but we've got a court scene involving ZE SOCIAL, so while that's monumentally stupid and horrifically insulting to an entire profession there is almost certainly worse to come - and confesses to hitting Denise. Max suggests he apologise but Patrick notes that apologies don't change anything, as Max should well know. Denise and Kim are also concerned by the impasse.

False alarm. Arffffffffffffffur didn't realise anything was wrong and as soon as he's out the door, Dot hides the letter from the council in a drawer. That's the spirit. Those financial problems will disappear in absolutely no  time!

Count Moonula walks in on Half-Day Alice trying on his (ex?) wife's clothes and doesn't seem at all bothered, quite the contrary. Kat comes a knocking, asking for cash. She knows Count Moonula doesn't have a bank account somehow... was that a joke? The writing is at times so monumentally stupid, it's really hard to know but then Half-Day comes sailing down the stairs and assures Kat that she has just been overspending.

Having seen King Phil's brief give the "are you sure you want to do this sneaky and underhand thing" bit, Lola turns up (at the last minute) and it's into the hearing. The idiocy begins quickly, as they're implying that Lola wasn't a good mother as she has made "great progress"... you took her child into custody because Billy Idiot was drunk and she was getting collared, when did her ability to look after Lexi come into the equation?

Jack and Tanya have been paling around all episode and she has got him doing odd jobs. To the shock of everyone, Ronnie is mentioned but even more shocking than a character's backstory coming up (although, the memory of his baby stealing ex-wife and dead son makes less impact on Jackncocchio than hearing his daily horoscope) is that Tanya says Sharon isn't stupid. Yes, she is, Tanya. Unless your contention is that the word stupid is insufficient to describe the mind boggling dearth of intellect Sharon possesses, you're wrong.

Patrick and Denise make up. Who cares?

Lola does her impassioned speech about how she loves Lexi and wants to be the best "muvva" she can be but at this point, King Phil dons his moustache, cape and top hat and begins twirling his facial hair at high speed as his brief begins to list a series of trivial infractions, which leads to a "WHY PHIL?!" because it's not as if this was obvious from the get go or anything!

Friday 1 March 2013

Friday 1st March 2013

Jacknocchio - determined to prove he's more stupid than the wood he was carved from - is trying to reason with Sharon's hair and to prove that this is like trying to boil an ocean with a zippo lighter, she immediately tells him that it's all in his head... because obviously the best way to keep a manager is to needless give them the largest share in your business you can! Pretty standard practice, really.

Patrick is struggling to get up the stairs to have a shave... so, this is a B&B and they don't even have a basin on the ground floor? That seems stupid. Anyway, Magda to the rescue!

Abi makes the mistake of talking to Lola about her first time with Jay but this is broken up by the return of King Phil. Who is none too happy about Lola spending time with her own daughter - totally understandable, really. So the first thing he does is tell both of them to gerrr ourrr!

Further attempts to penetrate the seemingly impervious monstrous mess of Sharon's hair in the vain hope that beneath lies even a primitive central nervous system... this particular endeavour is undertaken by Tanya who brings up the fact she's getting nineteen percent of the club, is now moving into his house and that this is all from the man who proposed marriage to her... but that's water off a duck's back to the unmovable idiocy of Sharon's hair.

Oh and just to make her character even more despicable she makes it clear that she's doing this not JUST out of stupidity but also avarice because she only has the clothes she's wearing... perhaps you should have thought about that before you decided to leave your last husband at the altar? Oh and despite ALL this, she STILL thinks that she and Jack can work. Idiocy doesn't seem like a big enough word. Then she's running off to tend to King Phil like the burk she is.

Who should walk into the minute-mart having undergone one of the strange headswaps that adolescent undergo several times but Bobby Beale! Who wants candles for a birthday cake... because it's his father's birthday and as it's Denise and he and she are having an insipid and improbable romance subplot... love could well be in the air.

It seems that Dot has been smoking due to the stress and she also accuses Cora of stealing an ashtray... wouldn't it be better to make the more legitimate accusation that she is over a grand in arrears because of her? Although, the whole arrangement seems baffling but that's Eastenders finances in a word. Baffling.

The skeletal Lucy has made (although, this is painfully obviously one of the small cakes you get from a supermarket) the world's tiniest cake that barely looks like it would satisfy a fat person, let alone be sufficient for a birthday party involving more than two people... and let's face it, Lucy could use some cake.

Ian takes special note of the fact that Denise gave nu-Bobby the candles for free, in much the same way a detective would begin to ponder a fact that poked a hole in the alibi of a suspect. This apparently makes him realise they should celebrate his birthday (with a microscopic cake) at the Vic. Prompting Skeletor to ask who he'd invite... which in the isolated conclaves of Walford makes sense. Also, Skeletor clocks that he wants to romance Denise.

King Phil seems very concerned that the first thing a baby will do with a pen is jab it up its nose, directly into the brain. This is Walford, Phil - who'd even notice? Hell, if anything that seems like the kind of medical procedure that is carried out on most people on the Square  these days anyway but King Phil does not like to be trifled with and Sharon's Hair is on the receiving end of his rage, sling and all.

Patrick is frustrated by his isolation. If only he lived on a Square of people that NEVER go to work, eh?

In the caffffffffffff Masood is vexed (again) by his work and then gets a deadline from Geordie Racer, if he's not at the tube station at five - then it was not meant to be... and Dot and Ian have a depressingly clichéd talk about getting older.

Sharon's hair gives Lola a peptalk, which King Phil breaks up and obviously, Sharon is happy to stand up for Lola. There's no reason she should stand up for a man she's getting married to though. She even calls King Phil a pig and meekly accepts his assurances there will be no strings to her getting a share in the club... because he promised and King Phil, he'd never break a promise. The fact this woman can breathe is a miracle.

Masood is going to pack. He remembers he has four kids and goes on to list why he should leave Walford... really by using that kind of logic - everyone should be on the first bus out!

Sharon's hair seems breathily impressed by getting King Phil to pinky swear. Jacknocchio... well, he's just himself, alright? That's about all he ever really is. He's not quite an ambient sausage roll like Joey but you can tell they're pretty much descended from the same tree. Probably a birch. Apparently Jacknocchio's masterful plan to sabotage this deal with King Phil is to steal Sharon's passport... something so obvious even her pea brain cries foul almost immediately.

Poor Tamwar is getting abuse for being a market inspector. You'd think an opportunity to put distance between his constantly whining, constipated gangly mess of awkwardness that is a son would just be another pro on the list for Masood.

Dot is curled up by the phone, so she can... ignore the phone? But it was Ian, asking if you wanted a micron of birthday cake!

Ian gets probably the warmest reception in the Vic ever... what happened to a man who enjoyed a reception generally reserved for sexually transmitted diseases?! Denise even bought him a card! Then she blames Kim for not going to see Patrick... oh, if only YOU were close at hand to go and help him. Oh, right. YOU WERE.

Masood tells Geordie Racer that he'd rather stay with his son in the living hell of Walford than just leave and start a new life with her... she's not too pleased.

Denise and Kim return to find Patrick drunk and walking around and when trying to... uh, do... something? The drunken Patrick manages to knock her CLEAN ACROSS THE ROOM and yet somehow, remain totally upright despite having the use of only one leg AND being drunk. TAKE THAT SIR NEWTONIAN MOTION! Oh and Denise has got jam all over her face. Clumsy.

Jacknocchio admits to hiding Sharon's passport... oh, come on Jack! Apparently now Sharon signing the contract is her signing away them... the logical reaction would be to get her to sign that contract yesterday then!