Wednesday 6th March 2013

King Phil, imbued with divine kingly powers knows from an open door that Lola has absconded with Lexi. Cue the bellowing sunburnt boiled egg shouting her name every couple of seconds... only for us to find that she is hiding behind a wall with Lexi sitting quietly in a pram. So, she managed to bring Lexi downstairs, get her silently into a pram and the only noise that gave her away was the door?! Wow, Lola must have accidentally gotten some ninja lessons when she was learning how to do hair.

Sharon's hair is drunk... and fortunately, ignores a call from King Phil. Oh, wait - he is calling her for more than twenty seconds and immediately Sharon's hair knows SOMETHING IS WRONG. Funny how people in Walford either leave their phones off or will pick them up REGARDLESS of what they're doing. You get the impression Sharon would have answered mid-coitus

Dot is going on about her "cold cuts" to Cora, who understandably tells Dot that she is bonkers. She is also not forthcoming with an apology for the alleged theft of the ham in question. For some reason, this makes Dot look as if she's having a fit.

Having just made up with Sharon's hair, Jacknocchio is keen to try and rub her up the wrong way as she runs off to King Phil's beck and call. Amazingly, Jack seems to have taken that proto-spine he had before and evolved into a full fledged vertebrate! He says he just did EVERYTHING she had asked of him but she throws it back in his face and when she says "there's a kid", points out that he's the one who is looking after the Kinder Egg abomination that she couldn't bare to be apart from only a couple of months ago... clearly the baby of a girl you barely know is a higher priority than the man you plan to marry or your own son! That was quite a breath of fresh air.

Dot's paranoia continues as she insists that Cora must have a key - she doesn't. Dot tries to goad  her into apology but this doesn't seem to work. So, Cora just walks out.

Lola's escape hasn't gone very well, as she hasn't even got enough money to get out of Walford... although, where she'd go after that is a mystery... but as she's about to return to the flat, she sees King Phil and Billy Idiot going in! King Phil plows in shouting "Lola!" He's starting to say it so much the word doesn't have any meaning! Then he looks lost when she isn't there.

Ian is talking up an aubergine... perhaps he's not over his trampoid mental lapse. Denise overhears him but doesn't put two and two together...

King Phil accuses Billy Idiot of being in on Lexi's baby heist but then he tells him this is all fault. Sadly, before he can punch Billy Idiot's head into a bloody pulp, Sharon's hair arrives to intercede. Then SHE tells him that he brought this on himself.

Back to the wacky romantic hijinks! Ian goes to try and ask Denise out. Fortunately she works this out and cuts short his blundering invitation but that doesn't stop the "neither of us are getting any younger" and telling her that she's menopausal. She then flirts with the delivery man to teach Ian a lesson.

King Phil busts into Tanya's house but Lola goes to the last place he'd expect - THE ARCHES! Where Dexter Fletcher is on hand to offer support. Cora isn't intimidated by King Phil though and is happy that Lexi has absconded with her baby!

Ian chases off the flirty delivery man by pretending to be married to Denise. That's a good way to win a woman over.

Cora returns to the laundrette and decides she will get to the bottom of Dot's problems by tempting her with  booze! It doesn't work though, as Dot wanders off.

The wacky hijinks never end with Ian and Denise as they hilariously get stuck in the back of the shop but "Wait!" you shout at your TV (probably because you've had one too many white wine spritzers to try and cope with a week involving five episodes of Eastenders) "This might have worked back in the 90s but everyone has a mobile now!" Ah but you see, dear viewer... it's not as if people keep their phones with them! Except, most people do - making the scene seem contrived.

Oh and Dexter Fletcher's mum gets him to go and grass up Lola but by the time King Phil arrives at the Arches, Lola and Lexi  have scarpered with the contents of the cash box.