Thursday 19th February 2015

NINETY MINUTES. NINETY MINUTES OF EASTENDERS... (about thirty seconds of which were live for absolutely no reason) that's the televisual equivalent of waterboarding...

And they have it all, from a homage to the soap's origins 30 years ago with the discovery of Nasty Nick's corpse, to another Ian Beale wedding and another improbable birth... this time by Kim who has spent all the time since her return doing her best to look like a drag queen and of course, the long awaited reveal of Lucy's killer. FOR REALLY REAL THIS TIME!

Oh and Dean tries to burn down the Vic but Danny Dire bashes his head in and stamps on  his throat. Well, it won't be the first time someone buried a body in the Vic.

Oh! And one more thing - Kathy ain't dead! No, really - as if Dirty Den returning from beyond the grave wasn't quite enough... here comes Kathy who ALSO faked her death for some reason. You'd think that if she was faking her death, she'd want to KEEP her son? Guess not. Anyway, like the slew of other cameos - pointless filler.

Also, Dot confesses to the police that she murdered Nick or something? It's not exactly clear what she's pleading guilty to but she's off for a ride in the police car

So, now IAN has worked out who the killer is and - just like Lauren and WPC Noknickers, he decides not to tell anyone. "They'll come to me." He says, having at some point taken a shower fully clothed off-screen... before he goes and finds Jane and asks her what happens. DUFF DUFF DUFF!

Provided you're not an idiot, you'll probably have worked out that it wasn't Jane but little Bobby Beale that was responsible and that - as usual - it wasn't really murder just an accident (it's what everyone is saying about Ben bashing in 'Ev's skull, after all).

So, then ensues an entire episode long flashback which does its best to illustrate what a holocaustic hodgepodge this storyline is. There are few ways you could better demonstrate the total lack of narrative structure or coherency than this, as it tries with great futility to weave together the scant plot points we've been privy to over the past year - mostly by having half the inhabitants of Walford skulking around furtively in hoodies and the other half talking about what a bitch Lucy is and wouldn't it just be grand if someone would kill her and dump her body in the never before seen or mentioned Walford Commons? Presumably located adjacent to the Walford sink estate and just as likely to be forgotten.

So, Lucy goes off to do a flat viewing and NuBen turns up to attempt acting and fails. He wants to go off to Miami... why he requires Lucy to hold his hand for that is beyond me and then Jake turns up, drunk.

Basically, this covers all the random plot points no one really gave a damn about. Ian meeting up with Rainie, what Jake got up to while black out drunk, why Ben and Jay were involved, the root of Denise's alcohol abuse (maybe?) and what Masood and Denise chatted about. None of which has any real importance to the murder storyline.

Really, the logical thing to do would have just been to follow Lucy but that clearly wouldn't have been enough to fill an episode and honestly, even that on its own would be pretty dull - was there anyone desperate to know how Lucy's earring and blood ended up in Jake's flat?

In  addition to all the people lurking in hooded tops, it's perhaps the busiest night that Walford has ever scene. It's ridiculous, really. Seemingly the entire population are out and about but somehow in parallel universes, inhabiting the same space but unable to see or interact with one another.

Regardless, it's a lot of tedious scenes to establish the exact goings on, the night of Lucy's murder. There's no sense of tension or build-up because we already know the broad strokes - it's just padding out the denouement needlessly.

And given what a widely hated and unlikable character Lucy was by the end, was there any point in trying to make her seem more sympathetic? It's a bit late in the day for that.

Anyway, as if ending on the cliffhanger of Jane previously wasn't enough, the flashback ends with Jane finding Lucy's body and Bobby brandishing some manner of bludgeoning object... well, at least it's a more credible murder weapon than a five gram plastic frame.

Tuesday 17th February 2015

We are gathered here to celebrate 30 years of the misery that is Eastenders... although, given how they've chosen an almost year long damp squib of immeasurable (and yet, ever increasing) idiocy - the word celebrate is used in the loosest possible way.

So, it's all terrible exciting because it's LIVE! An idea so original, they did it for the last celebration... and had been done by a number of other soaps before that and just about the only thing anyone REALLY remembers from that episode outside of Bradley's improbable death after shouting "STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" is Jack bungling his ways through a bunch of lines at the start... and actually, it's a cheap because it's not REALLY live. It's just kind of lives. Which makes you wonder - what's the point? Actually, what's the point of it being live at all? Surely good performances and good storytelling are what matter? Oh, wait - this IS Eastenders we're talking about.

Anyways, to this years offering...

You can always tell a soap is desperate when it starts digging up the past and here comes about the only person from EE's past that they've got left (no seriously, barring another resurrection - Peggy is pretty much the last person they had). So, they've dusted her off, hosed her done and put her back into Walford... because, why not?

Actually, after six weeks of Ronnie being in a coma and a little less of Phil being locked up, she's decided to show up to intercede... after Phil has been released from prison. Useless. Oh and the person responsible for BOTH those particular misdeeds, Nick Cotton is dead. For real this time. Not like the last time (last week) where he was just passed out or the time before that when he had just faked his own death.

Dot seems to be taking it rather well, really but then she'd just disowned her son for the fourth time before he died. Not in her lifetime, in just this storyline. Anyway, as Nick had pretended to leave (half the Square knew he was alive and hiding at Dot's), she is now keeping quiet about his rotting corpse. As one does.

In fact, Peggy's return is - like her recent cameo - a non-event. She shouts a bit at Dot, has a bit of banter with Danny Dire (who tells her to get out of his pub - goodness, how clever!) and then she's off. You have to wonder why they bothered. A suitable anti-climax for this anti-climactic celebration, really.

Speaking of unasked for and unneeded returns - here comes new head Martin. No reason, just because.

Lauren - managing somehow to be an even bigger idiot than WPC Noknickers - is now aware of the identity of the murderer and because this is a (and please excuse me as I explode into several minutes of lung damagingly intense belly laughs) complex mystery plot (BWHAHAHAHA!) she's got to do what WPC Noknickers did before she got herself killed - be as obtuse as possible. Beyond just not telling anyone who the murderer is, this also requires her to do her best to try and make it look like everyone is still in the frame by acting all shifty with everyone.

Ronnie's coma seems to be coming to an end... which is why Charlie and Roxy decided to have a conversation about how they had a shag right next to her as she's fluttering her eyes. Ronnie shouldn't take it personally though, Roxy hasn't had anything of substance to do forever - although maybe she should look for her daughter, if she's bored. Oh and a mysterious black man left her a white rose, after turning up (breaking in?) to Phil's house. When asked who he was, Phil replied to Billy Idiot "trouble". Foreshadowing doesn't get much more subtle than that.

Ian's 1x10^15 wedding celebrations take up most of the rest of episode and if you've seen one Walford pre-wedding do, you've seen them all. Oh and Christian has taken a break from presenting the National Lottery to attend her wedding... Again, just because.

There's not much else, beyond Lauren deciding to leg it with Max trying to stop her and then when Abi asks why her sister left, he announces that Lauren knows Abi killed Lucy. DOOF DOOF DOOF!

That's about as anti-climactic as reveals get.