We are gathered here to celebrate 30 years of the misery that is Eastenders... although, given how they've chosen an almost year long damp squib of immeasurable (and yet, ever increasing) idiocy - the word celebrate is used in the loosest possible way.
So, it's all terrible exciting because it's LIVE! An idea so original, they did it for the last celebration... and had been done by a number of other soaps before that and just about the only thing anyone REALLY remembers from that episode outside of Bradley's improbable death after shouting "STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" is Jack bungling his ways through a bunch of lines at the start... and actually, it's a cheap because it's not REALLY live. It's just kind of lives. Which makes you wonder - what's the point? Actually, what's the point of it being live at all? Surely good performances and good storytelling are what matter? Oh, wait - this IS Eastenders we're talking about.
Anyways, to this years offering...
You can always tell a soap is desperate when it starts digging up the past and here comes about the only person from EE's past that they've got left (no seriously, barring another resurrection - Peggy is pretty much the last person they had). So, they've dusted her off, hosed her done and put her back into Walford... because, why not?
Actually, after six weeks of Ronnie being in a coma and a little less of Phil being locked up, she's decided to show up to intercede... after Phil has been released from prison. Useless. Oh and the person responsible for BOTH those particular misdeeds, Nick Cotton is dead. For real this time. Not like the last time (last week) where he was just passed out or the time before that when he had just faked his own death.
Dot seems to be taking it rather well, really but then she'd just disowned her son for the fourth time before he died. Not in her lifetime, in just this storyline. Anyway, as Nick had pretended to leave (half the Square knew he was alive and hiding at Dot's), she is now keeping quiet about his rotting corpse. As one does.
In fact, Peggy's return is - like her recent cameo - a non-event. She shouts a bit at Dot, has a bit of banter with Danny Dire (who tells her to get out of his pub - goodness, how clever!) and then she's off. You have to wonder why they bothered. A suitable anti-climax for this anti-climactic celebration, really.
Speaking of unasked for and unneeded returns - here comes new head Martin. No reason, just because.
Lauren - managing somehow to be an even bigger idiot than WPC Noknickers - is now aware of the identity of the murderer and because this is a (and please excuse me as I explode into several minutes of lung damagingly intense belly laughs) complex mystery plot (BWHAHAHAHA!) she's got to do what WPC Noknickers did before she got herself killed - be as obtuse as possible. Beyond just not telling anyone who the murderer is, this also requires her to do her best to try and make it look like everyone is still in the frame by acting all shifty with everyone.
Ronnie's coma seems to be coming to an end... which is why Charlie and Roxy decided to have a conversation about how they had a shag right next to her as she's fluttering her eyes. Ronnie shouldn't take it personally though, Roxy hasn't had anything of substance to do forever - although maybe she should look for her daughter, if she's bored. Oh and a mysterious black man left her a white rose, after turning up (breaking in?) to Phil's house. When asked who he was, Phil replied to Billy Idiot "trouble". Foreshadowing doesn't get much more subtle than that.
Ian's 1x10^15 wedding celebrations take up most of the rest of episode and if you've seen one Walford pre-wedding do, you've seen them all. Oh and Christian has taken a break from presenting the National Lottery to attend her wedding... Again, just because.
There's not much else, beyond Lauren deciding to leg it with Max trying to stop her and then when Abi asks why her sister left, he announces that Lauren knows Abi killed Lucy. DOOF DOOF DOOF!
That's about as anti-climactic as reveals get.
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