NINETY MINUTES. NINETY MINUTES OF EASTENDERS... (about thirty seconds of which were live for absolutely no reason) that's the televisual equivalent of waterboarding...
And they have it all, from a homage to the soap's origins 30 years ago with the discovery of Nasty Nick's corpse, to another Ian Beale wedding and another improbable birth... this time by Kim who has spent all the time since her return doing her best to look like a drag queen and of course, the long awaited reveal of Lucy's killer. FOR REALLY REAL THIS TIME!
Oh and Dean tries to burn down the Vic but Danny Dire bashes his head in and stamps on his throat. Well, it won't be the first time someone buried a body in the Vic.
Oh! And one more thing - Kathy ain't dead! No, really - as if Dirty Den returning from beyond the grave wasn't quite enough... here comes Kathy who ALSO faked her death for some reason. You'd think that if she was faking her death, she'd want to KEEP her son? Guess not. Anyway, like the slew of other cameos - pointless filler.
Also, Dot confesses to the police that she murdered Nick or something? It's not exactly clear what she's pleading guilty to but she's off for a ride in the police car
So, now IAN has worked out who the killer is and - just like Lauren and WPC Noknickers, he decides not to tell anyone. "They'll come to me." He says, having at some point taken a shower fully clothed off-screen... before he goes and finds Jane and asks her what happens. DUFF DUFF DUFF!
Provided you're not an idiot, you'll probably have worked out that it wasn't Jane but little Bobby Beale that was responsible and that - as usual - it wasn't really murder just an accident (it's what everyone is saying about Ben bashing in 'Ev's skull, after all).
So, then ensues an entire episode long flashback which does its best to illustrate what a holocaustic hodgepodge this storyline is. There are few ways you could better demonstrate the total lack of narrative structure or coherency than this, as it tries with great futility to weave together the scant plot points we've been privy to over the past year - mostly by having half the inhabitants of Walford skulking around furtively in hoodies and the other half talking about what a bitch Lucy is and wouldn't it just be grand if someone would kill her and dump her body in the never before seen or mentioned Walford Commons? Presumably located adjacent to the Walford sink estate and just as likely to be forgotten.
So, Lucy goes off to do a flat viewing and NuBen turns up to attempt acting and fails. He wants to go off to Miami... why he requires Lucy to hold his hand for that is beyond me and then Jake turns up, drunk.
Basically, this covers all the random plot points no one really gave a damn about. Ian meeting up with Rainie, what Jake got up to while black out drunk, why Ben and Jay were involved, the root of Denise's alcohol abuse (maybe?) and what Masood and Denise chatted about. None of which has any real importance to the murder storyline.
Really, the logical thing to do would have just been to follow Lucy but that clearly wouldn't have been enough to fill an episode and honestly, even that on its own would be pretty dull - was there anyone desperate to know how Lucy's earring and blood ended up in Jake's flat?
In addition to all the people lurking in hooded tops, it's perhaps the busiest night that Walford has ever scene. It's ridiculous, really. Seemingly the entire population are out and about but somehow in parallel universes, inhabiting the same space but unable to see or interact with one another.
Regardless, it's a lot of tedious scenes to establish the exact goings on, the night of Lucy's murder. There's no sense of tension or build-up because we already know the broad strokes - it's just padding out the denouement needlessly.
And given what a widely hated and unlikable character Lucy was by the end, was there any point in trying to make her seem more sympathetic? It's a bit late in the day for that.
Anyway, as if ending on the cliffhanger of Jane previously wasn't enough, the flashback ends with Jane finding Lucy's body and Bobby brandishing some manner of bludgeoning object... well, at least it's a more credible murder weapon than a five gram plastic frame.
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