The episode leaps to an insipid beginning with Dexter berating Jay and then Lola telling Peter he should have told people about getting the person we've never heard about killed.
Jean is sitting on the bench in the centre of the Square... GRIPPING!
Billy Idiot lives up to his namesake by being surprised that Gold Digger isn't returning his calls.
It seems the holiday is over, what with the stolen money... and then Peter makes Lola feel better by talking more about the person who died. Lola being a teenage mother gives her insight into losing a teenage son, you see!
Jean has gone missing!
Dextah has decided the gang need to join up to find the money...
Jean is all upset about her relationship being over - even though she's just assuming it's over.
Everyone tries to play Columbo but they finally decide that the guy who bought the car stole the money. They then decide that even Dextah, Peter and Jay are no match for a friend of the mighty King Phil and decide to kidnap his daughter. No. Seriously, that's their plan. Until Abi speaks up.
Ollie has returned! Yawn.
Abi's plan is to get the tavern wench to text her father! Which results in him turning up and leaving the keys in the car, so that Jay can steal it WITHOUT breaking the window (that was handy!)... oh but the car won't start because hey, why NOT add another cliche? Oh but that was just to generate false tension because as soon as Dextah jumps in - it starts just in the nick of time. If anything, it's a miracle they don't have the father shaking his fist at them. Thank goodness the camping trip is over.
Billy Idiot's gold digger blows him off and he actually - having been told several times and seen all the signs - finally manages to put it together. What an idiot.
Ollie is OK with Jean being bipolar.
Da yoooooooooooooofffffffffffffffff return but King Phil is not happy.
Billy Idiot admits to Kim what a pathetic joke he is.
King Phil is not best pleased with Dextah
It seems Jean is having one of her manic episodes and Ollie is concerned. This upsets Jean.
Abi and Jay drama. Yawn.
King Phil wants to know who has his money. He's not too happy about not having it and goes all scary on Dextah to get the point across.
In yet another shocking plot twist, who should have the money but shifty Cyndi 2... Real M. Night Shymalan stuff there.
Friday 30 August 2013
Thursday 29 August 2013
Thursday 29th August 2013
Dexter and da rest of da yooooooooouuuuuf are in a panic about the money... yawn.
Alfie pries Jean from Ollie because she's gone a bit mental.
Abi goes to retrieve the money to assuage the concern of Dexter but ohoh! No money. Dexter is not too happy.
Billy Idiot continues to be enticed by woman of stunningly average looks. She seems impressed by his flashing of cash.
Abi manages to go all Columbo and work out that only the feckless group of them knew there was money in the caravan.
Alfie reassures Poxy that he doesn't love Kat anymore... why is she JUST worrying about this now?
Cyndi 2 is the natural target for accusation and she then strops off. Then everyone shows they aren't so much teenagers but school children as the predictable blame game ensues.
Billy Idiot's incredibly average looking lady friend turns out to be a gold digger! WHAT A SURPRISE! Who could have seen that coming? Kim isn't too happy and tells 'er to sling 'er 'ook.
Abi and Jay continue to fret over her pregnancy. Yawn.
Jean remains unconvinced by the double threat of Alfie and Poxy, seemingly resigned to DCI The Bill never returning rather than just telling him the truth.
Abi isn't preggers but she and Jay are still at odds.
Cyndi 2 tries to cheer up Dexter but her idea is that the tavern wench stole it and Dexter points out he was with her the whole time.
Billy Idiot and Kim have a most improbable exchange, where the Idiot tells the other idiot that they've forgotten how to have fun... Kim was drunk on the job just a few days ago and pretending that she's somehow abstaining from the simple pleasures because of hard work is like saying a fish in the sea needs to practice its swimming more.
Dexter tells Abi to buck her ideas up and get back together with Jay but when she tries to text him, it doesn't work and he starts flirting with the tavern wench. DUN DUN DUN!
DCI The Bill turns up and Jean blurts out that she has bipolar.
Is Peter going to fess up to what happened in Devon?! He thinks he's responsible for some guy we don't know dying. Wow. Who the hell cares? Lola seems shocked by this revelation.
Abi walks in JUST as Jay and tavern wench kiss. Now there's an original outcome!
Alfie pries Jean from Ollie because she's gone a bit mental.
Abi goes to retrieve the money to assuage the concern of Dexter but ohoh! No money. Dexter is not too happy.
Billy Idiot continues to be enticed by woman of stunningly average looks. She seems impressed by his flashing of cash.
Abi manages to go all Columbo and work out that only the feckless group of them knew there was money in the caravan.
Alfie reassures Poxy that he doesn't love Kat anymore... why is she JUST worrying about this now?
Cyndi 2 is the natural target for accusation and she then strops off. Then everyone shows they aren't so much teenagers but school children as the predictable blame game ensues.
Billy Idiot's incredibly average looking lady friend turns out to be a gold digger! WHAT A SURPRISE! Who could have seen that coming? Kim isn't too happy and tells 'er to sling 'er 'ook.
Abi and Jay continue to fret over her pregnancy. Yawn.
Jean remains unconvinced by the double threat of Alfie and Poxy, seemingly resigned to DCI The Bill never returning rather than just telling him the truth.
Abi isn't preggers but she and Jay are still at odds.
Cyndi 2 tries to cheer up Dexter but her idea is that the tavern wench stole it and Dexter points out he was with her the whole time.
Billy Idiot and Kim have a most improbable exchange, where the Idiot tells the other idiot that they've forgotten how to have fun... Kim was drunk on the job just a few days ago and pretending that she's somehow abstaining from the simple pleasures because of hard work is like saying a fish in the sea needs to practice its swimming more.
Dexter tells Abi to buck her ideas up and get back together with Jay but when she tries to text him, it doesn't work and he starts flirting with the tavern wench. DUN DUN DUN!
DCI The Bill turns up and Jean blurts out that she has bipolar.
Is Peter going to fess up to what happened in Devon?! He thinks he's responsible for some guy we don't know dying. Wow. Who the hell cares? Lola seems shocked by this revelation.
Abi walks in JUST as Jay and tavern wench kiss. Now there's an original outcome!
Tuesday 27 August 2013
Tuesday 27th August 2013
Despite being glistening clean the other day - Dexter and Lola are cleaning the car as Abi is worrying about the absence of Jay.
Jean's mania continues!
Lola's flirting with Peter continues before she worries about Lexi and then a generic car washing scene ensues. Sigh.
Kim tells Billy Idiot he's shooting for someone out of his league... Improbably she agrees to lunch in the Vic, which leads Billy Idiot to think it's a sure thing.
Peter has been going on about Cyndi 2 (off-screen). Always good to inform people of things rather than showing them and Jay and Abi continue to be awkward!
Alfie tries to convince Poxy Jean's manic and should tell DCI The Bill.
Dexter has gotten all dressed up to impress the tavern wench. Oh, she's the daughter of the person they're selling the car to! WHAT A TWIST!
Jean's mania continues!
It seems "Bob" is getting a bit of a deal on the car... ten grand? And wasn't it only five before?
Cyndi 2 and Lola do a bit of bonding... but who cares? Then she says sorry to Peter, who isn't receptive but then Cyndi 2 alludes to... THE SECRET!
Alfie continues to fret about Jean's mania.
The car deal goes through and Dexter continues to try and woo the tavern wench.
Kim - at odds akin to winning the lottery three weeks running - says another intelligent thing in the episode by pointing out Billy Idiot isn't going to impress Tara with market tat. Then ruins it by saying he needs to buy her a gift... because buying affection is so classy. Oh but Tara approves of the shirt.
Jay and Abi angsting about her being preggers - yawn.
Lola - looking more orange than usual - continues to flirt with Peter. Yawn.
Billy Idiot is in the Vic, where he shows to Alfie what an idiot he is while trying to impress Tara.
Abi asserts her being preggers WON'T BE OK!
For reasons of idiocy, Abi gets handed the money from the car deal and has to hide it.
Something is either wrong with the universe or Tara has ulterior motives because she seems attracted to him.
Lola has noticed something is up with Abi and Jay... and everyone disperses for obvious reasons of plot convenience.
The unlikely flirting between Tara and Billy Idiot continues... just for Kim to walk in and demand payment for looking after Lexi. Allowing Kim to look after a child should be considered a serious form of abuse.
Abi wants an abortion - DUN DUN DUN!
Dexter flirting continues!
It seems Abi's man whore of a father has given her a rather jaded impression of Jay's abilities to provide and be faithful. Quelle surprise!
Poxy invites DCI The Bill to the wedding, to whit Jean says "IF THERE IS A WEDDING!" FORESHADOWING!
Oh and the caravan has been robbed. DUN DUN DUN!
Jean's mania continues!
Lola's flirting with Peter continues before she worries about Lexi and then a generic car washing scene ensues. Sigh.
Kim tells Billy Idiot he's shooting for someone out of his league... Improbably she agrees to lunch in the Vic, which leads Billy Idiot to think it's a sure thing.
Peter has been going on about Cyndi 2 (off-screen). Always good to inform people of things rather than showing them and Jay and Abi continue to be awkward!
Alfie tries to convince Poxy Jean's manic and should tell DCI The Bill.
Dexter has gotten all dressed up to impress the tavern wench. Oh, she's the daughter of the person they're selling the car to! WHAT A TWIST!
Jean's mania continues!
It seems "Bob" is getting a bit of a deal on the car... ten grand? And wasn't it only five before?
Cyndi 2 and Lola do a bit of bonding... but who cares? Then she says sorry to Peter, who isn't receptive but then Cyndi 2 alludes to... THE SECRET!
Alfie continues to fret about Jean's mania.
The car deal goes through and Dexter continues to try and woo the tavern wench.
Kim - at odds akin to winning the lottery three weeks running - says another intelligent thing in the episode by pointing out Billy Idiot isn't going to impress Tara with market tat. Then ruins it by saying he needs to buy her a gift... because buying affection is so classy. Oh but Tara approves of the shirt.
Jay and Abi angsting about her being preggers - yawn.
Lola - looking more orange than usual - continues to flirt with Peter. Yawn.
Billy Idiot is in the Vic, where he shows to Alfie what an idiot he is while trying to impress Tara.
Abi asserts her being preggers WON'T BE OK!
For reasons of idiocy, Abi gets handed the money from the car deal and has to hide it.
Something is either wrong with the universe or Tara has ulterior motives because she seems attracted to him.
Lola has noticed something is up with Abi and Jay... and everyone disperses for obvious reasons of plot convenience.
The unlikely flirting between Tara and Billy Idiot continues... just for Kim to walk in and demand payment for looking after Lexi. Allowing Kim to look after a child should be considered a serious form of abuse.
Abi wants an abortion - DUN DUN DUN!
Dexter flirting continues!
It seems Abi's man whore of a father has given her a rather jaded impression of Jay's abilities to provide and be faithful. Quelle surprise!
Poxy invites DCI The Bill to the wedding, to whit Jean says "IF THERE IS A WEDDING!" FORESHADOWING!
Oh and the caravan has been robbed. DUN DUN DUN!
Monday 26 August 2013
Monday 26th August 2013
Jay and Dexter are ready to go off on their trip but Peter seems anxious because of Cyndi 2... and invites himself along on the camping trip and Cyndi 2 wants to go along but she can't.
Lola is fretting about leaving Lexi alone... you can't blame her. Billy Idiot isn't known for his... anything.
Phil insists that nothing should go wrong but already, we've got Lola carrying along about twenty bags. Which doesn't make any sense as they're going away for two days and they're coming back on the train. Then everyone is conveniently distracted. Let's hope no one unwanted sneaks in the boot!
A scene with Jean and DCI The Bill - where he alludes to her being in a manic episode but is obviously oblivious to it.
The kids are off on their roadtrip. Oh, the excitement! Billy gets distracted by a woman of average looks going into the B&B.
Abi seems to be in a bit of a mood and dohohoh, no one has a wire to connect their phone - uh, wouldn't it be able to connect via wireless or bluetooth?
Alfie confronts Jean about her being happy and he gets around to telling her that she needs to tell DCI The Bill about her bipolar disorder. That seems far too sensible.
The tedious car journey continues but ohoh. THEY'RE LOST! If only most cars like this had satnav! Or if only Phil had printed out a map. Fortunately, Peter is capable of working this all out in a second but then to add to the comedy hijinks the car gets stuck in the mud and if you guessed that someone got sprayed with it, you've shown how unimaginative the writers are... Lola is the victim of this cliche but Peter is on-hand to be her knight in shining armour and shows off the real reason why he was hired - his manly body... which both Abi and Lola take notice of.
Jean finally confesses... to not liking strawberries and then tells off Alfie for having the audacity to suggest she be honest.
In a plot twist that was telegraphed on Friday, you'll never guess who was able to remain perfectly still and silent in the boot the entire time. Yup, Cyndi 2, electric boogaloo is in the New Forest with the rest of DA YOUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!
The woman of average looks finds Billy Idiot in the B&B to repay Kim and she seems improbably taken with Walford's biggest loser.
Dexter is flirting with a tavern wench - goodness.
Jay tells Abi she has to go to uni but HERE COMES THE INEVITABLE PREGNANCY SCARE!
Lola is fretting about leaving Lexi alone... you can't blame her. Billy Idiot isn't known for his... anything.
Phil insists that nothing should go wrong but already, we've got Lola carrying along about twenty bags. Which doesn't make any sense as they're going away for two days and they're coming back on the train. Then everyone is conveniently distracted. Let's hope no one unwanted sneaks in the boot!
A scene with Jean and DCI The Bill - where he alludes to her being in a manic episode but is obviously oblivious to it.
The kids are off on their roadtrip. Oh, the excitement! Billy gets distracted by a woman of average looks going into the B&B.
Abi seems to be in a bit of a mood and dohohoh, no one has a wire to connect their phone - uh, wouldn't it be able to connect via wireless or bluetooth?
Alfie confronts Jean about her being happy and he gets around to telling her that she needs to tell DCI The Bill about her bipolar disorder. That seems far too sensible.
The tedious car journey continues but ohoh. THEY'RE LOST! If only most cars like this had satnav! Or if only Phil had printed out a map. Fortunately, Peter is capable of working this all out in a second but then to add to the comedy hijinks the car gets stuck in the mud and if you guessed that someone got sprayed with it, you've shown how unimaginative the writers are... Lola is the victim of this cliche but Peter is on-hand to be her knight in shining armour and shows off the real reason why he was hired - his manly body... which both Abi and Lola take notice of.
Jean finally confesses... to not liking strawberries and then tells off Alfie for having the audacity to suggest she be honest.
In a plot twist that was telegraphed on Friday, you'll never guess who was able to remain perfectly still and silent in the boot the entire time. Yup, Cyndi 2, electric boogaloo is in the New Forest with the rest of DA YOUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!
The woman of average looks finds Billy Idiot in the B&B to repay Kim and she seems improbably taken with Walford's biggest loser.
Dexter is flirting with a tavern wench - goodness.
Jay tells Abi she has to go to uni but HERE COMES THE INEVITABLE PREGNANCY SCARE!
Friday 23 August 2013
Friday 23rd August 2013
Phil walks into the caffffffffff to be threatened by Shirley - who having waited months to extort money from Phil now wants her money TODAY!
Billy Idiot is being an idiot as Lola fusses around the house.
Abi is consigned to failure despite the fact she could do resits or go to a different university.
Phil - being the kind of man who can get things done and is an economic powerhouse is frantically selling things and this means Dexter can't go on holiday. DUN DUN DUN!
Max acts like a petulant child toward Kirstie because she won't believe him about Carl and then when Carl turns up to buy a car (after Kirstie having commented he'd sold none - yeah, for about two years), Max chases him off.
Wow. Lola's social worker acting like a human being and being nice.
Phil gives Shirley a grand and she seems surprised. In another astute observation that seems a little TOO aware - she says that Phil and Grant thought they were the Cray twins... except she never even met Grant and it seems unlikely Phil would blab about his criminal dealings. To the surprise of no one, Shirley isn't impressed with the money and Phil skulks off, attracting the attention of Carl.
Dexter reveals he isn't going on holiday to his father and Jay... ONOES!
Having listened in Carl, asks Shirley about her Phil problem and after she declines to give him any meaningful answer has a little smile on his face.
Cyndi 2 is being babysat by Lucy and... Lucy is apparently friends with Lola now? Or maybe they're just united by their dislike of Cyndi 2.
Oh no, Lola can't go on the holiday either. It's all falling apart! If only anyone cared.
Carl visits Phil and says he isn't all that and a bag of chips, despite what he had previously thought. Clearly part of his plan.
Sam has a solution to Dexter's holiday disaster. Yawn.
Phil is clearly doing some dodgy deals due to desperation!
Somehow Dexter is able to persuade King Phil to allow both him AND Jay to drive the car to the New Forest... it really isn't that far.
Similarly, Sam sets Billy to getting Lola back on the holiday.
Shirley is throwing darts very hard at a dartboard because she's angry at Phil - there's a change!
Time for Kirstie to give Lauren another pep talk! Yawn.
Jean, has stopped listening to Shirley and is now talking to her. Oh and then Jean tells her there's someone for everyone - which leads to Shirley lashing out and saying all men are bastards, just looking for an excuse to leave you. If the woman is Shirley, then the question isn't when they'll leave, it's why they got with her. Jean leaves, rather hurt.
ANOTHER pep talk. Yawn. Billy Idiot woos Lola into going on holiday.
King Phil was in his counting house, counting all his money... which is in one of those dirt cheap hotel safes behind a picture. ORIGINAL!
The holiday is back on! Who cares?
Max shakes his fist at Carl before getting a telling off from Kirstie for neglecting his daughter. He then goes off to confront Abi about this in the Vic but as it turns out, Lauren to the rescue because she's worked out that Abi can still become a vet... something Abi should have known... honestly, if you're going that route - you might as well just do resits - it's just so unlike Eastenders to be even slightly realistic though... it's just a shame that it was used as a stupid reason for more drama.
Phil gives Shirley two grand and that seems to please her well enough. This whole debacle seems to have put him in a mood as he tries to intimidate the ever polite Carl, who drives off very slowly in his new car. RIVETTING!
Billy Idiot is being an idiot as Lola fusses around the house.
Abi is consigned to failure despite the fact she could do resits or go to a different university.
Phil - being the kind of man who can get things done and is an economic powerhouse is frantically selling things and this means Dexter can't go on holiday. DUN DUN DUN!
Max acts like a petulant child toward Kirstie because she won't believe him about Carl and then when Carl turns up to buy a car (after Kirstie having commented he'd sold none - yeah, for about two years), Max chases him off.
Wow. Lola's social worker acting like a human being and being nice.
Phil gives Shirley a grand and she seems surprised. In another astute observation that seems a little TOO aware - she says that Phil and Grant thought they were the Cray twins... except she never even met Grant and it seems unlikely Phil would blab about his criminal dealings. To the surprise of no one, Shirley isn't impressed with the money and Phil skulks off, attracting the attention of Carl.
Dexter reveals he isn't going on holiday to his father and Jay... ONOES!
Having listened in Carl, asks Shirley about her Phil problem and after she declines to give him any meaningful answer has a little smile on his face.
Cyndi 2 is being babysat by Lucy and... Lucy is apparently friends with Lola now? Or maybe they're just united by their dislike of Cyndi 2.
Oh no, Lola can't go on the holiday either. It's all falling apart! If only anyone cared.
Carl visits Phil and says he isn't all that and a bag of chips, despite what he had previously thought. Clearly part of his plan.
Sam has a solution to Dexter's holiday disaster. Yawn.
Phil is clearly doing some dodgy deals due to desperation!
Somehow Dexter is able to persuade King Phil to allow both him AND Jay to drive the car to the New Forest... it really isn't that far.
Similarly, Sam sets Billy to getting Lola back on the holiday.
Shirley is throwing darts very hard at a dartboard because she's angry at Phil - there's a change!
Time for Kirstie to give Lauren another pep talk! Yawn.
Jean, has stopped listening to Shirley and is now talking to her. Oh and then Jean tells her there's someone for everyone - which leads to Shirley lashing out and saying all men are bastards, just looking for an excuse to leave you. If the woman is Shirley, then the question isn't when they'll leave, it's why they got with her. Jean leaves, rather hurt.
ANOTHER pep talk. Yawn. Billy Idiot woos Lola into going on holiday.
King Phil was in his counting house, counting all his money... which is in one of those dirt cheap hotel safes behind a picture. ORIGINAL!
The holiday is back on! Who cares?
Max shakes his fist at Carl before getting a telling off from Kirstie for neglecting his daughter. He then goes off to confront Abi about this in the Vic but as it turns out, Lauren to the rescue because she's worked out that Abi can still become a vet... something Abi should have known... honestly, if you're going that route - you might as well just do resits - it's just so unlike Eastenders to be even slightly realistic though... it's just a shame that it was used as a stupid reason for more drama.
Phil gives Shirley two grand and that seems to please her well enough. This whole debacle seems to have put him in a mood as he tries to intimidate the ever polite Carl, who drives off very slowly in his new car. RIVETTING!
Thursday 22 August 2013
Thursday 22nd August 2013
Shirley is stalking Phil, presumably because she found out he was paying her rent.
Cyndi 2 is back to Devon before the end of the episode. Hahaha. Sure.
Shirley confronts Kim and finds out Denise knew too...
Cyndi 2 isn't wanted by Peter or Lucy but she knows about Peter's TERRRRIBLE SECRET!
Pointless Poppy catches Arfuuuuuuuuuuurrrr in a lie. DUN DUN DUN!
Shirley feels out King Phil about her rent but then after he denies it all, she just says she knows... King Phil doesn't want to discuss it in public though.
Jean is concerned about the continued carrot theft.
Abi continues to act all weird and nervous around her sister.
Cyndi 2 and Denise have a conversation, despite the fact they don't know one another. At all. Which is why Cyndi 2 tries to guilt her into talking to Ian and it seems to work.
Phil admits he might still have feelings for Shirley, that's a shock.
Lauren arranges an impromptu party for Abi.
Goodness, Shirley and Phil's problems are down to 'Ev's murder. This entire could have been cut and pasted from whenever Shirley found out.
Pointless Poppy looks set to leave Walford but is intercepted by Tamwar and Alice (who might just be on a half-day).
The tedious allotment storyline grinds on.
Poppy tells Alice about how she lost her job and how Arfuuuuuuuuuur is cheating on him. Cue Arfuuuuuuuuur walking in with a woman and Poppy storms off before Arfuuuuuur can explain that she's just a work colleague and that he's actually been secretly working back at a definitely not dangerously close to copyright infringing fast food restaurant. Who could have seen that shocking twist coming?
Lauren tells Peter he should forgive his sister and then comments how he's always been the golden boy who does no wrong. FORESHADOWING!
Cyndi 2 tries again to stay but Ian has had a long chat with her grandmother!
Pointless Poppy throws herself on Lola's mercy and then gushes to Sadie to try and get her job back and that works like a treat.
To make the allotment plot worse, it turns out the thief is Mo.
It turns out Cyndi 2 was running away because she didn't want to move house and Ian seems to be taken by this predictable yarn of flattery and faaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeee.
Mo reminds us of what a loathsome character she is and how her absence from the screen enriches the programme, blackmailing Jean into get DCI The Bill not press charges.
Shirley and Sharon shout at one another until Denise comes in.
The surprise party is sprung on Abi who continues to act all tense.
Denise talks some sense to Shirley about Phil and she seems to have a complete turn around on her former Phil hating ways.
Abi admits she was lying about her exam results and the puts the blame squarely on Lauren... ah, sisterly love.
Shirley walks into Phil's house (no need to lock doors in crime free Walford). She then tells Phil to think of what she's worth and then treble it. You won't get far on less than a tenner, Shirl.
Oh and despite everyone having spent the entire episode she'd be gone before the credits, guess who's staying "a few more days". Yes, it's Cyndi 2!
Cyndi 2 is back to Devon before the end of the episode. Hahaha. Sure.
Shirley confronts Kim and finds out Denise knew too...
Cyndi 2 isn't wanted by Peter or Lucy but she knows about Peter's TERRRRIBLE SECRET!
Pointless Poppy catches Arfuuuuuuuuuuurrrr in a lie. DUN DUN DUN!
Shirley feels out King Phil about her rent but then after he denies it all, she just says she knows... King Phil doesn't want to discuss it in public though.
Jean is concerned about the continued carrot theft.
Abi continues to act all weird and nervous around her sister.
Cyndi 2 and Denise have a conversation, despite the fact they don't know one another. At all. Which is why Cyndi 2 tries to guilt her into talking to Ian and it seems to work.
Phil admits he might still have feelings for Shirley, that's a shock.
Lauren arranges an impromptu party for Abi.
Goodness, Shirley and Phil's problems are down to 'Ev's murder. This entire could have been cut and pasted from whenever Shirley found out.
Pointless Poppy looks set to leave Walford but is intercepted by Tamwar and Alice (who might just be on a half-day).
The tedious allotment storyline grinds on.
Poppy tells Alice about how she lost her job and how Arfuuuuuuuuuur is cheating on him. Cue Arfuuuuuuuuur walking in with a woman and Poppy storms off before Arfuuuuuur can explain that she's just a work colleague and that he's actually been secretly working back at a definitely not dangerously close to copyright infringing fast food restaurant. Who could have seen that shocking twist coming?
Lauren tells Peter he should forgive his sister and then comments how he's always been the golden boy who does no wrong. FORESHADOWING!
Cyndi 2 tries again to stay but Ian has had a long chat with her grandmother!
Pointless Poppy throws herself on Lola's mercy and then gushes to Sadie to try and get her job back and that works like a treat.
To make the allotment plot worse, it turns out the thief is Mo.
It turns out Cyndi 2 was running away because she didn't want to move house and Ian seems to be taken by this predictable yarn of flattery and faaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeee.
Mo reminds us of what a loathsome character she is and how her absence from the screen enriches the programme, blackmailing Jean into get DCI The Bill not press charges.
Shirley and Sharon shout at one another until Denise comes in.
The surprise party is sprung on Abi who continues to act all tense.
Denise talks some sense to Shirley about Phil and she seems to have a complete turn around on her former Phil hating ways.
Abi admits she was lying about her exam results and the puts the blame squarely on Lauren... ah, sisterly love.
Shirley walks into Phil's house (no need to lock doors in crime free Walford). She then tells Phil to think of what she's worth and then treble it. You won't get far on less than a tenner, Shirl.
Oh and despite everyone having spent the entire episode she'd be gone before the credits, guess who's staying "a few more days". Yes, it's Cyndi 2!
Tuesday 20 August 2013
Tuesday 20th August 2013
Denise didn't sleep well because of her break up with Ian. Kim is on hand with supportive comments! What a great sister. Oh and then Ian calls.
Peter tells Ian not to be an idiot - sadly advice that is necessary on a daily basis in Walford. Oh and Ian seems to think proposing marriage is the answer.
The car lot has suffered some tyre slashing, just as Carl waltzes by. Max and Jack growl at him.
Shirley has some lines... that are irrelevant, as Ian comes in to try and win Denise over. Denise is glad he's shooed off by Kim but Patrick tells her she needs to deal with Ian sooner or later. Oh and Phil covering Shirley's rent is brought up but why would anyone tell Kim about that?
Pointless Poppy has not been forgiven by Lola!
Kat and Bianca are still going on about singles night. Good grief.
Lauren isn't very good at her job but fortunately she's off to her alcohol counselling but not before a package arrives! It's booze for Lauren - which Max concludes is from Carl. DUN DUN DUN!
Ian comes begging to Denise, she isn't too impressed
The fact everyone in Walford lives isolated, lonely, miserable and has hardly any social contact with people outside their immediate family or someone they despise is manifest by Bianca's inability to find someone to accompany her to singles night take two... doubly so by the fact that she and Kat are competing to find someone to go with them.
Shirley continues to wind up Shirley... but Patrick is on hand to defuse the situation. Where could this be going?
There's a shocker, the guy from last time is still loitering outside the counselling room when Lauren is there.
Tamwar and Alice are going on a date! Which is awkward!
Ian's genius plan is to get Denise back is to get his son to talk to her and shut down his business to demonstrate his desperation.
Sadie is treating Lola badly!
Denise is barraged by first Alfie and then Peter trying to fix the relationship between her and Ian. Peter bounds after her out of the Vic... this is tremendously desperate... what kind of man sends his son to sort this out?
Patrick is trying to patch things up between Shirley and Kim with ALCOHOL!
Peter has A DAAAAAAAAAARK SECRET as someone keeps calling him. Oh and Ian totally over reacts to Denise not saying no. Quelle surprise.
Sadie picks up on Lola having a bee in her bonnet and asks Pointless Poppy about it, who confesses her deception and runs out crying.
The Kat and Bianca single night take two... Feel your will to live ebb.
Denise walks into the empty restaurant and Ian's toe curling apology begins. It's awful.
Carl shows that getting a rise out of Max is easier than getting wet in the ocean as but a single taunt in the Vic has Max ready to commit assault. Fortunately, Jack is there to stop him and Lauren walks in to ponder Max's predicament.
Wow! Ian seems to realise he suffers from a split personality but it's obviously all empty words from him.
Kat and Bianca realise Walford men are awful... yeah but you should see the women! Just use a mirror.
What a surprise - Kim spills the beans about Phil paying Shirley's rent.
Pointless Poppy sees Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur with another woman. Who cares?
And Ian et al return to find the house has been broken into and the estranged Cyndi is there.
Peter tells Ian not to be an idiot - sadly advice that is necessary on a daily basis in Walford. Oh and Ian seems to think proposing marriage is the answer.
The car lot has suffered some tyre slashing, just as Carl waltzes by. Max and Jack growl at him.
Shirley has some lines... that are irrelevant, as Ian comes in to try and win Denise over. Denise is glad he's shooed off by Kim but Patrick tells her she needs to deal with Ian sooner or later. Oh and Phil covering Shirley's rent is brought up but why would anyone tell Kim about that?
Pointless Poppy has not been forgiven by Lola!
Kat and Bianca are still going on about singles night. Good grief.
Lauren isn't very good at her job but fortunately she's off to her alcohol counselling but not before a package arrives! It's booze for Lauren - which Max concludes is from Carl. DUN DUN DUN!
Ian comes begging to Denise, she isn't too impressed
The fact everyone in Walford lives isolated, lonely, miserable and has hardly any social contact with people outside their immediate family or someone they despise is manifest by Bianca's inability to find someone to accompany her to singles night take two... doubly so by the fact that she and Kat are competing to find someone to go with them.
Shirley continues to wind up Shirley... but Patrick is on hand to defuse the situation. Where could this be going?
There's a shocker, the guy from last time is still loitering outside the counselling room when Lauren is there.
Tamwar and Alice are going on a date! Which is awkward!
Ian's genius plan is to get Denise back is to get his son to talk to her and shut down his business to demonstrate his desperation.
Sadie is treating Lola badly!
Denise is barraged by first Alfie and then Peter trying to fix the relationship between her and Ian. Peter bounds after her out of the Vic... this is tremendously desperate... what kind of man sends his son to sort this out?
Patrick is trying to patch things up between Shirley and Kim with ALCOHOL!
Peter has A DAAAAAAAAAARK SECRET as someone keeps calling him. Oh and Ian totally over reacts to Denise not saying no. Quelle surprise.
Sadie picks up on Lola having a bee in her bonnet and asks Pointless Poppy about it, who confesses her deception and runs out crying.
The Kat and Bianca single night take two... Feel your will to live ebb.
Denise walks into the empty restaurant and Ian's toe curling apology begins. It's awful.
Carl shows that getting a rise out of Max is easier than getting wet in the ocean as but a single taunt in the Vic has Max ready to commit assault. Fortunately, Jack is there to stop him and Lauren walks in to ponder Max's predicament.
Wow! Ian seems to realise he suffers from a split personality but it's obviously all empty words from him.
Kat and Bianca realise Walford men are awful... yeah but you should see the women! Just use a mirror.
What a surprise - Kim spills the beans about Phil paying Shirley's rent.
Pointless Poppy sees Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur with another woman. Who cares?
And Ian et al return to find the house has been broken into and the estranged Cyndi is there.
Monday 19 August 2013
Monday 19th August 2013
Sadie has opened her revamped salon, just as Count Moonula walks by talking about buying a gym. Improbably, Sadie addresses him (seemingly without irony) as handsome. Oh and Hollyoaks is in his office because Janine is his new business partner. DUN DUN DUN!
Denise is working for Ian now!
Moonula confronts Jack and he apparently did this to spend more time
Kat and Bianca on a double date... isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?
Pointless Poppy is now suspicious that Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrr is cheating on her, unfortunately no one cares.
Moonula expresses his displeasure to Janine... the game continues!
The opening of the salon continues and the standard is set suitably low by presence of Kim... and it seems Ian is taking Denise for granted. Again.
Moonula's next move is telling Dot that the drafty warehouse is getting an overhaul to remove her husband's likeness and name from it... she doesn't take this too well.
Carl comes to not so politely menace Ian for his money and isn't taking no for an answer... and of course, Peter doesn't work out that he's still getting paid protection money despite the fact his father doesn't answer his question about what Carl was doing in the cafffffffffffffffffff.
Dot has a pop at Jack but he seems to have an answer for everything, she isn't best pleased.
Oh, lawks - the double date... Make it stop!
Denise is getting run off her feet at the salon as Pointless Poppy tells porkies to win a bonus and continues to be suspicious about Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
Carl's master plan seems to have been set in motion... yawn! Just what the show needed, at least three weeks of another Branning centred plot.
Jack tells Michael he's not impressed by his attempts at manipulation. Yawn.
Denise continues to be run ragged as Ian desperately tries to find someone else to serve canapes... there are about five people in the salon in a space smaller than most people's bathroom - HOW IS THIS DIFFICULT FOR HER?!
Kat and Bianca bicker about which man they're going to get because Kat has the attractive physiotherapist and Bianca has the rather more plain consultant who is baffling her with science talk... but the physiotherapist overhears them and does what someone should have done a long time ago and informs them they're terrible people.
A low ebb for Denise when Kim has to point out Ian is taking her for granted.
Dot gives Michael a peptalk - she tells him life isn't a game! Oh and she throws in a "think of the children!"
Pointless Poppy's diabolical plan comes to fruition as Sadie overhears Lola giving someone a 35% discount. No bonus for her!
Ian turns up after everyone has gone to give Denise another "I've made a huge mistake" face when he leaves, a day late and a dollar short.
Pointless Poppy's paranoia persists!
Having listened to Dot's advise, Michael decides to rise about Janine's ability to buy a business over the weekend... it seems strange both that the business could take place at the weekend (as that's when Jack decided, apparently) and that Hollyoaks looking at the books occurred AFTER the purchase... do the Crayon Crew not know what due diligence is? Oh and wasn't Hollyoaks expertise in property? Why would he and Michael need to learn to work together?
Walford's most improbable couple are now through... it took Denise a LONG time to come to her senses.
Denise is working for Ian now!
Moonula confronts Jack and he apparently did this to spend more time
Kat and Bianca on a double date... isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?
Pointless Poppy is now suspicious that Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrr is cheating on her, unfortunately no one cares.
Moonula expresses his displeasure to Janine... the game continues!
The opening of the salon continues and the standard is set suitably low by presence of Kim... and it seems Ian is taking Denise for granted. Again.
Moonula's next move is telling Dot that the drafty warehouse is getting an overhaul to remove her husband's likeness and name from it... she doesn't take this too well.
Carl comes to not so politely menace Ian for his money and isn't taking no for an answer... and of course, Peter doesn't work out that he's still getting paid protection money despite the fact his father doesn't answer his question about what Carl was doing in the cafffffffffffffffffff.
Dot has a pop at Jack but he seems to have an answer for everything, she isn't best pleased.
Oh, lawks - the double date... Make it stop!
Denise is getting run off her feet at the salon as Pointless Poppy tells porkies to win a bonus and continues to be suspicious about Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
Carl's master plan seems to have been set in motion... yawn! Just what the show needed, at least three weeks of another Branning centred plot.
Jack tells Michael he's not impressed by his attempts at manipulation. Yawn.
Denise continues to be run ragged as Ian desperately tries to find someone else to serve canapes... there are about five people in the salon in a space smaller than most people's bathroom - HOW IS THIS DIFFICULT FOR HER?!
Kat and Bianca bicker about which man they're going to get because Kat has the attractive physiotherapist and Bianca has the rather more plain consultant who is baffling her with science talk... but the physiotherapist overhears them and does what someone should have done a long time ago and informs them they're terrible people.
A low ebb for Denise when Kim has to point out Ian is taking her for granted.
Dot gives Michael a peptalk - she tells him life isn't a game! Oh and she throws in a "think of the children!"
Pointless Poppy's diabolical plan comes to fruition as Sadie overhears Lola giving someone a 35% discount. No bonus for her!
Ian turns up after everyone has gone to give Denise another "I've made a huge mistake" face when he leaves, a day late and a dollar short.
Pointless Poppy's paranoia persists!
Having listened to Dot's advise, Michael decides to rise about Janine's ability to buy a business over the weekend... it seems strange both that the business could take place at the weekend (as that's when Jack decided, apparently) and that Hollyoaks looking at the books occurred AFTER the purchase... do the Crayon Crew not know what due diligence is? Oh and wasn't Hollyoaks expertise in property? Why would he and Michael need to learn to work together?
Walford's most improbable couple are now through... it took Denise a LONG time to come to her senses.
Friday 16 August 2013
Friday 16th August 2013
Carl is still getting a pat down and have they found something in his pocket?
Tanya has invited her mother to rehab... a cause for celebration, says Max.
Predictably, Carl doesn't have any drugs on him but he seems a mite stressed.
Tamwar is in love with Alice! Yawn.
Joey is concerned that Carl will blame him and Max for the shake down but Lauren is
Carl would rather be dead than back inside... and gasp, could Kirstie still have feelings for him?
Pointless Poppy is doing her best to come across as retarded but Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur manages to interrupt for operation get Tamwar a relationship.
Carl mopes about prison and Max telling tales, which seems to place some doubt in Kirstie's mind... and then Max - the man you can tell is lying by virtue of his mouth being open - comes in and is unable to respond.
Some awkwardness when Twitney turns up to the club where Lauren and Joey are.
Pointless Poppy is trying REALLY hard to seem as if she is mentally subnormal tonight as planning for operation get Tamwar a relationship continues.
Lauren confesses to taking a sip of vodka, at which point Joey and Twitney look at her as if she said she put a baby in blender and doesn't even try to complete the anecdote... because she omits the spitting the vodka out... What an idiot.
Max is still unable to simply deny he called the police and then there's the predictable goading... and then Patrick wades in to tell Carl he's not welcome there. Since when could he make that kind of decision. Then Max leaves his coat behind and Carl purloins his phone.
Lauren comes back as if she JUST remembered she spat the vodka out to be all loud and shouty. Ah, lectures in morality from a recovering alcoholic. Good grief, this isn't Eastenders anymore - it's Lauren and the Brannings. Anyway, Lauren doesn't want Joey for what... the hundredth time?
IT'S THE SINGLES NIGHT! Bianca and AJ have some pointless deal to see if they can find a suitable partner for one another.
Oh and Tamwar and Half-Day Alice start on their blind date. Boring.
Kat speaks some words of wisdom "Fix me something to take away the pain." Wise words.
Carl is noting down all the numbers from Max's phone... there's probably an app for that... Patrick comes along and does a weak "sling yooooooooor 'ook" and predictably relents when Carl gives him puppy dog eyes.
The blind date continues - who cares?
Singles night continues - who cares? If you like unfunny, telegraphed jokes - you just might!
Arfuuuuuuuuur, Poppy and Dot wonder about the date but it seems today is the day for leaving phones behind and Poppy sees a call from a lady! DUN DUN DUN!
Tamwar and Alice kiss!
Lauren returns to the Branning house because if there is one thing we've not got enough of - it's Brannings and she says she wants five minutes without drama... I think you'd have to be looking for a rather more permanent solution to achieve that. She gives Max back his phone, which Carl had handed to her and what a shock, he heads across the Square to see Carl who is standing around outside and offers a very well spoken and polite threat about how he's going to end his relationship with Kirstie in three weeks.
Tanya has invited her mother to rehab... a cause for celebration, says Max.
Predictably, Carl doesn't have any drugs on him but he seems a mite stressed.
Tamwar is in love with Alice! Yawn.
Joey is concerned that Carl will blame him and Max for the shake down but Lauren is
Carl would rather be dead than back inside... and gasp, could Kirstie still have feelings for him?
Pointless Poppy is doing her best to come across as retarded but Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur manages to interrupt for operation get Tamwar a relationship.
Carl mopes about prison and Max telling tales, which seems to place some doubt in Kirstie's mind... and then Max - the man you can tell is lying by virtue of his mouth being open - comes in and is unable to respond.
Some awkwardness when Twitney turns up to the club where Lauren and Joey are.
Pointless Poppy is trying REALLY hard to seem as if she is mentally subnormal tonight as planning for operation get Tamwar a relationship continues.
Lauren confesses to taking a sip of vodka, at which point Joey and Twitney look at her as if she said she put a baby in blender and doesn't even try to complete the anecdote... because she omits the spitting the vodka out... What an idiot.
Max is still unable to simply deny he called the police and then there's the predictable goading... and then Patrick wades in to tell Carl he's not welcome there. Since when could he make that kind of decision. Then Max leaves his coat behind and Carl purloins his phone.
Lauren comes back as if she JUST remembered she spat the vodka out to be all loud and shouty. Ah, lectures in morality from a recovering alcoholic. Good grief, this isn't Eastenders anymore - it's Lauren and the Brannings. Anyway, Lauren doesn't want Joey for what... the hundredth time?
IT'S THE SINGLES NIGHT! Bianca and AJ have some pointless deal to see if they can find a suitable partner for one another.
Oh and Tamwar and Half-Day Alice start on their blind date. Boring.
Kat speaks some words of wisdom "Fix me something to take away the pain." Wise words.
Carl is noting down all the numbers from Max's phone... there's probably an app for that... Patrick comes along and does a weak "sling yooooooooor 'ook" and predictably relents when Carl gives him puppy dog eyes.
The blind date continues - who cares?
Singles night continues - who cares? If you like unfunny, telegraphed jokes - you just might!
Arfuuuuuuuuur, Poppy and Dot wonder about the date but it seems today is the day for leaving phones behind and Poppy sees a call from a lady! DUN DUN DUN!
Tamwar and Alice kiss!
Lauren returns to the Branning house because if there is one thing we've not got enough of - it's Brannings and she says she wants five minutes without drama... I think you'd have to be looking for a rather more permanent solution to achieve that. She gives Max back his phone, which Carl had handed to her and what a shock, he heads across the Square to see Carl who is standing around outside and offers a very well spoken and polite threat about how he's going to end his relationship with Kirstie in three weeks.
Thursday 15 August 2013
Thursday 15th August 2013
Thank goodness, no Lauren running today... just Lauren having her breakfast and Abi's exam results today.
Someone in a hoodie is stalking Kirstie!
Moonula bemoans Hollyoaks to Jack, who is concerned about the status of their big empty warehouse.
For some reason, after months of showing active contempt for Tamwar - both Kat and Bianca are concerned about him.
Kirstie gets jumped by someone demanding money from her, only to have Carl jump in to save the day but it turns out that Carl knows - it's his bruv! Who apparently disappointed Carl while he was inside but is now in trouble... and he's going to be selling the drugs to make ends meet.
Predictably, Max wants to wade in... because he has such a reputation as a hard man! Or possibly just for perpetually making idiotic decisions.
Lauren goes to her counselling session!
Tamwar and Half-Day Alice talk about how Tamwar is a joke for a while but Alice is all about the peptalk and turning the tables.
Joey tells Max that Carl and Adam are going to be at the club at 'alf ten. DUN DUN DUN!
Awkward silence in Lauren's therapy session!
Max decides the best plan is to get King Phil involved to fight his battles for him.
Oh, Count Moonula is getting serious about the barn business... for some reason and Alice plans to use his colour printer!
Lauren is blackmailed into talking by the threat of a sing-a-long... this therapist is good. Lauren moans about how everything is awful for her and how she wants her sister to fail... wow, there's goes any sympathy you could have for her.
Looks like Max's plan to tell tales worked out well as he and Phil come in to tell him what a naughty boy he is.
Lauren confesses her desire for her sister to fail stems from the fact she lasted a whole week before going back on the booze.
Max seems surprised that Phil is only interested in Carl not dealing in his club and he walks out the club after some silly bickering.
Lauren's therapist tells her that spitting out alcohol was a big achievement. The the guy that talked to Lauren before she went in is still there when she comes out... even Lauren points out it's weird.
Max tells some porkies to Kirstie, resulting in a slap and then he calls the police.
Carl and his brother Adam have words. They're through as bruvs!
Kat and Bianca bemoan the inevitable terribleness of the singles night, before Tamwar's prank is enacted! It's every bit as painful as you'd expect but Kat and Bianca agree to do litter duty... and Tamwar gets a hug.
Abi did well in her exams! Yay! Who cares!
Carl lies about dealing drugs to Kirstie, just as Walford PD turn up to search him. DUN DUN DUN!
Someone in a hoodie is stalking Kirstie!
Moonula bemoans Hollyoaks to Jack, who is concerned about the status of their big empty warehouse.
For some reason, after months of showing active contempt for Tamwar - both Kat and Bianca are concerned about him.
Kirstie gets jumped by someone demanding money from her, only to have Carl jump in to save the day but it turns out that Carl knows - it's his bruv! Who apparently disappointed Carl while he was inside but is now in trouble... and he's going to be selling the drugs to make ends meet.
Predictably, Max wants to wade in... because he has such a reputation as a hard man! Or possibly just for perpetually making idiotic decisions.
Lauren goes to her counselling session!
Tamwar and Half-Day Alice talk about how Tamwar is a joke for a while but Alice is all about the peptalk and turning the tables.
Joey tells Max that Carl and Adam are going to be at the club at 'alf ten. DUN DUN DUN!
Awkward silence in Lauren's therapy session!
Max decides the best plan is to get King Phil involved to fight his battles for him.
Oh, Count Moonula is getting serious about the barn business... for some reason and Alice plans to use his colour printer!
Lauren is blackmailed into talking by the threat of a sing-a-long... this therapist is good. Lauren moans about how everything is awful for her and how she wants her sister to fail... wow, there's goes any sympathy you could have for her.
Looks like Max's plan to tell tales worked out well as he and Phil come in to tell him what a naughty boy he is.
Lauren confesses her desire for her sister to fail stems from the fact she lasted a whole week before going back on the booze.
Max seems surprised that Phil is only interested in Carl not dealing in his club and he walks out the club after some silly bickering.
Lauren's therapist tells her that spitting out alcohol was a big achievement. The the guy that talked to Lauren before she went in is still there when she comes out... even Lauren points out it's weird.
Max tells some porkies to Kirstie, resulting in a slap and then he calls the police.
Carl and his brother Adam have words. They're through as bruvs!
Kat and Bianca bemoan the inevitable terribleness of the singles night, before Tamwar's prank is enacted! It's every bit as painful as you'd expect but Kat and Bianca agree to do litter duty... and Tamwar gets a hug.
Abi did well in her exams! Yay! Who cares!
Carl lies about dealing drugs to Kirstie, just as Walford PD turn up to search him. DUN DUN DUN!
Tuesday 13 August 2013
Tuesday 13th August 2013
Oh, lawdy - please don't let Lauren's run (with soundtrack) become a regular feature and there she goes chasing after Joey.
Bianca is skeptical about online dating - you already had a serious relationship with a sex offender. Oh and they take the opportunity to make Tamwar more of a joke... as if that was possible but Half-Day Alice is there to give him some consolation.
Joey seems to be pretty keen on Lauren again... that seems a bit unlikely but he's still apparently worried she'll fall apart but Lauren is of a mind that the family that sleeps together, STAYS together. Dohohoho.
The salon - according to Sam - needs rewiring, a likely story but Joey is on hand to use his business brain (HAHAHAHA!) to help out because being a bartender means you're allowed to let out the club to anyone at the drop of a hat.
Count Moonula makes the bold (meaning incredibly laughable) statement that he is a man of means because he owns a business to try and... something Hollyoaks. You're co-owner of an empty warehouse, not Bill Gates.
For once, Sharon has a valid point when she castigates Joey for his rash decision but then immediately folds.
Lauren wants to hang out with Lucy (because they're BFFs again) but she's going to the club. DUN DUN DUN! But Lauren will go there anyway, great idea.
Ian walks into the Vic to see the footballer's wife wannabe talking about needing a caterer and he volunteers his services and gets pressed into a ridiculous time line to demonstrate his culinary expertise.
Lauren tells her papa about going to the club and he doesn't take much winning over because he's an idiot.
Oh dear, Ian is being demanding of Denise and unappreciative again...
Apparently, Joey was able to transform the club into a salon in mere moment. That's realistic! Then the salon owner doesn't pay Ian. Dohohoho.
Tamwar being a joke continues as he gets trapped in the portaloo by Winston of all people... Even Kat and Bianca don't seem that amused at this point - it's just getting kind of sad.
Lauren is sitting at home. WHAT COULD HAPPEN?!
Half-Day Alice attempts to rescue Tamwar from the portaloo... how hard is that?
So, in case you hadn't worked out that the salon owner is another person who should have been drowned at birth to save the world from the stain of suffering they would darken it with... she has a conversation in front of Denise to her caterer. Denise gives her a piece of her mind and then storms off.
Lauren is looking like a prostitute and Kirstie tells her she looks great... oh dear.
Tamwar is finally freed!
Oh dear, Lauren looks like a clown - amazingly Twitney isn't looking orange.
Denise tells Ian about his rejection by Sadie...
Everyone is being teatotal around Lauren... that's not awkward at all!
Joey finds something (possibly drugs?) at the club, just as the girls are headed there.
Ohoh, Hollyoaks is planning revenge against Moonula with Janine!
The girls are at the club but Joey is already concerned about Lauren - who is pretty much forcing drinks down her friends' throats.
Sadie apologises to Ian... who is trying to cover for her for some reason? Denise then scowls at Ian?
Lauren goes off to call her father, at which point Joey talks to Twitney and Lucy - because they then have to talk about Twitney and Joey sleeping together and sit around really awkwardly and make it obvious something is up and yes, shockingly Lauren finds out that Twitney and Joey had the sex and does the "it's OK" thing, which means it's anything but and steals a drink on the way out for good measure... and then Joey gets stopped before he can go after her (because he actually has to DO this job!)
Which is tracking down DA DRUGS! And who should be behind DA DRUGS but the mild mannered Carl? Who would have guessed? Carl is decidely less soft spoken when Joey confronts him and the usual threats are exchanged.
And... Lauren has a drink... but then spits it out... Wow, that was what? Less than a week? At least they're not drawing out her relapse... and as that means the storyline will be over sooner, that's good!
Bianca is skeptical about online dating - you already had a serious relationship with a sex offender. Oh and they take the opportunity to make Tamwar more of a joke... as if that was possible but Half-Day Alice is there to give him some consolation.
Joey seems to be pretty keen on Lauren again... that seems a bit unlikely but he's still apparently worried she'll fall apart but Lauren is of a mind that the family that sleeps together, STAYS together. Dohohoho.
The salon - according to Sam - needs rewiring, a likely story but Joey is on hand to use his business brain (HAHAHAHA!) to help out because being a bartender means you're allowed to let out the club to anyone at the drop of a hat.
Count Moonula makes the bold (meaning incredibly laughable) statement that he is a man of means because he owns a business to try and... something Hollyoaks. You're co-owner of an empty warehouse, not Bill Gates.
For once, Sharon has a valid point when she castigates Joey for his rash decision but then immediately folds.
Lauren wants to hang out with Lucy (because they're BFFs again) but she's going to the club. DUN DUN DUN! But Lauren will go there anyway, great idea.
Ian walks into the Vic to see the footballer's wife wannabe talking about needing a caterer and he volunteers his services and gets pressed into a ridiculous time line to demonstrate his culinary expertise.
Lauren tells her papa about going to the club and he doesn't take much winning over because he's an idiot.
Oh dear, Ian is being demanding of Denise and unappreciative again...
Apparently, Joey was able to transform the club into a salon in mere moment. That's realistic! Then the salon owner doesn't pay Ian. Dohohoho.
Tamwar being a joke continues as he gets trapped in the portaloo by Winston of all people... Even Kat and Bianca don't seem that amused at this point - it's just getting kind of sad.
Lauren is sitting at home. WHAT COULD HAPPEN?!
Half-Day Alice attempts to rescue Tamwar from the portaloo... how hard is that?
So, in case you hadn't worked out that the salon owner is another person who should have been drowned at birth to save the world from the stain of suffering they would darken it with... she has a conversation in front of Denise to her caterer. Denise gives her a piece of her mind and then storms off.
Lauren is looking like a prostitute and Kirstie tells her she looks great... oh dear.
Tamwar is finally freed!
Oh dear, Lauren looks like a clown - amazingly Twitney isn't looking orange.
Denise tells Ian about his rejection by Sadie...
Everyone is being teatotal around Lauren... that's not awkward at all!
Joey finds something (possibly drugs?) at the club, just as the girls are headed there.
Ohoh, Hollyoaks is planning revenge against Moonula with Janine!
The girls are at the club but Joey is already concerned about Lauren - who is pretty much forcing drinks down her friends' throats.
Sadie apologises to Ian... who is trying to cover for her for some reason? Denise then scowls at Ian?
Lauren goes off to call her father, at which point Joey talks to Twitney and Lucy - because they then have to talk about Twitney and Joey sleeping together and sit around really awkwardly and make it obvious something is up and yes, shockingly Lauren finds out that Twitney and Joey had the sex and does the "it's OK" thing, which means it's anything but and steals a drink on the way out for good measure... and then Joey gets stopped before he can go after her (because he actually has to DO this job!)
Which is tracking down DA DRUGS! And who should be behind DA DRUGS but the mild mannered Carl? Who would have guessed? Carl is decidely less soft spoken when Joey confronts him and the usual threats are exchanged.
And... Lauren has a drink... but then spits it out... Wow, that was what? Less than a week? At least they're not drawing out her relapse... and as that means the storyline will be over sooner, that's good!
Monday 12 August 2013
Monday 12th August 2013
Dot is making a cake! For Jim! It's amazing she remembers he exists - no one even mentioned him when one of his sons died.
There's Lauren, running around the Square... good for her.
Back to work for Twitney, let's see how long that lasts.
Lauren stops by Dot, who tells her that recovering from addiction is hard and then she also discovers it's Jim's birthday. It seems Lauren feels that they should do something for her forgotten grandfather.
Kirstie and Max have re-established domestic bliss (except for the presence of Cora). Then Lauren comes in and says she wants to throw a party. DOHOHO!
Janine and Moonula continue to play their game - with Hollyoaks being the latest pawn.
Some squabbling about Lauren organising a party for Jim - yawn.
Kat isn't worried about Ronnie coming home anymore... and it looks like she's off to singles night.
Twitney returns to her job and apparently despite being an experience primary school teacher, Ava requires her to say "settle down"...
Lauren seems quite happy to just tell misery guts Carol about her recovery as if it's a discussion about the weather.
Twitney has the magic touch, it seems... that will surely be put to the test by the arrival of Sharon's freakish son...
Oh, wow - Jack and Poxy remembered they have a kid! Will wonders never cease?
Kat and Bianca laugh at how terrible a plot line the speed dating was, presumably in anticipation of singles night being at least as bad.
It's been less than a week and Lauren's resolve already seems to be cracking. Actually, in fairness her constant joking about alcohol seems to be indicative of a deeper problem... kind of sad when that's as subtle as the foreshadowing gets and of course, then to remove any ambiguity - she insists there be alcohol... leading to the predictable faux pas at the party and then A WILD JOEY APPEARS!
Kat asks Moonula along to the singles night which is just a prelude to taunting him about his desire to get back into Janine's affections.
Then we find out - gasp - Janine was just using Hollyoaks. A truly shocking turn of events.
There's a surprise, Dennis is taking after his mother and her being
Lauren walks around the party and the topic of conversation is Lauren, Lauren and Lauren... and goodness, it seems Lauren might want a drink!
Moonula finds out from Hollyoaks that Janine and he aren't an item.
Dot gets herself worked up into quite a state about the birthday and does the sensible thing of pointing out that none of Jim's children bothered going to see him... to be fair, they don't even remember him so that's to be expected.
Sharon (looking almost as Oompa Loompa as Twitney) comes in and demands answers about Dennis's treatment, going so far as to say "Are you calling my son a liar?" Even the most fleeting experience with young children would afford someone that the vast majority of them lie with the same regularity as they breathe... so, that would be a bit of a no brainer. Sharon immediately concludes that Ava's decision is based on the whole catapult thing with Dexter and vows revenge before waddling off.
The Branning siblings go to see Dot and after a little pressing, she reveals the highly improbable fact that she goes to see Jim EVERYDAY. She berates all of them for not going to see him more often and then lots of empty promises about rallying around to help Dot. Nice to see the fact Jim has been forgotten actually being mentioned.
Joey and Lauren are still sweet on each other but he doesn't want to be the reason for her to relapse and then just before they kiss, Kirstie bursts in. What an original way to end a scene!
There's Lauren, running around the Square... good for her.
Back to work for Twitney, let's see how long that lasts.
Lauren stops by Dot, who tells her that recovering from addiction is hard and then she also discovers it's Jim's birthday. It seems Lauren feels that they should do something for her forgotten grandfather.
Kirstie and Max have re-established domestic bliss (except for the presence of Cora). Then Lauren comes in and says she wants to throw a party. DOHOHO!
Janine and Moonula continue to play their game - with Hollyoaks being the latest pawn.
Some squabbling about Lauren organising a party for Jim - yawn.
Kat isn't worried about Ronnie coming home anymore... and it looks like she's off to singles night.
Twitney returns to her job and apparently despite being an experience primary school teacher, Ava requires her to say "settle down"...
Lauren seems quite happy to just tell misery guts Carol about her recovery as if it's a discussion about the weather.
Twitney has the magic touch, it seems... that will surely be put to the test by the arrival of Sharon's freakish son...
Oh, wow - Jack and Poxy remembered they have a kid! Will wonders never cease?
Kat and Bianca laugh at how terrible a plot line the speed dating was, presumably in anticipation of singles night being at least as bad.
It's been less than a week and Lauren's resolve already seems to be cracking. Actually, in fairness her constant joking about alcohol seems to be indicative of a deeper problem... kind of sad when that's as subtle as the foreshadowing gets and of course, then to remove any ambiguity - she insists there be alcohol... leading to the predictable faux pas at the party and then A WILD JOEY APPEARS!
Kat asks Moonula along to the singles night which is just a prelude to taunting him about his desire to get back into Janine's affections.
Then we find out - gasp - Janine was just using Hollyoaks. A truly shocking turn of events.
There's a surprise, Dennis is taking after his mother and her being
Lauren walks around the party and the topic of conversation is Lauren, Lauren and Lauren... and goodness, it seems Lauren might want a drink!
Moonula finds out from Hollyoaks that Janine and he aren't an item.
Dot gets herself worked up into quite a state about the birthday and does the sensible thing of pointing out that none of Jim's children bothered going to see him... to be fair, they don't even remember him so that's to be expected.
Sharon (looking almost as Oompa Loompa as Twitney) comes in and demands answers about Dennis's treatment, going so far as to say "Are you calling my son a liar?" Even the most fleeting experience with young children would afford someone that the vast majority of them lie with the same regularity as they breathe... so, that would be a bit of a no brainer. Sharon immediately concludes that Ava's decision is based on the whole catapult thing with Dexter and vows revenge before waddling off.
The Branning siblings go to see Dot and after a little pressing, she reveals the highly improbable fact that she goes to see Jim EVERYDAY. She berates all of them for not going to see him more often and then lots of empty promises about rallying around to help Dot. Nice to see the fact Jim has been forgotten actually being mentioned.
Joey and Lauren are still sweet on each other but he doesn't want to be the reason for her to relapse and then just before they kiss, Kirstie bursts in. What an original way to end a scene!
Friday 9 August 2013
Friday 9th August 2013
Lauren is out for a run when she sees people drinking out on the street... since when were people allowed to drink outside the Vic? And what time is it?
Max says he's looking after Lauren and is no longer interested in Kirstie - so we know that he's going to stop caring about her and is pining for Kirstie.
Lauren confides in Pointless Poppy... because they're BFFs. Yawn.
Ian tries to bribe his daughter but she sees through this immediately, so Ian resorts to grovelling... Oh and she managed to uncover Ian's account fiddling AND do an extensive report on the R&R in an afternoon? Or is it a day? It's impossible to say and clearly irrelevant. Oh and Janine promotes Lucy and is still not fond of Hollyoaks.
Kirstie tells Carl to stop stalking her. Good advice.
Sam is flirted with by the new salon owner.
Janine breaks up a picnic between her daughter and Michael... clearly she's intent on making her a neurotic shut in.
Ian heads into the kitchen, to find Jean paying no attention to her cooking and apparently oblivious to the very quiet fire alarm... Again, if fire alarms in kitchens went off when there was smoke - they'd go off constantly... and why isn't this setting off the biblical flood sprinkler system? Anyway, Ian to the rescue - except he can't turn the gas of or lift a pan (wearing gloves) without burning himself like a mong.
Even Michael picks up on the fact his every scene with Janine is groundhog day.
Ian castigates Jean but for once, she seems fairly blasé to the whole thing... and then Ian listens to her assessing his inability to keep a consistent personality and begs her not to quit (after she quit).
Cue a groundhog day scene with Michael and Janine! Yawn.
Kirstie and Lauren heart-to-heart - yawn. Wait, Max comes in to save people? When?
With an alcoholic daughter, Max decides to pour himself a drink... and it's another time for people to pretend they're on the phone! Where people pause for a second at most for questions that would take several times that long...
Janine and Michael are now on the road to recovery thanks to their daughter having a bit of a tumble.
Oh, Ian - that is NOT a flattering look for a man of your ever increasing girth... It seems Ian has told Jean all his problems and is actually hiding from Carl in the kitchen.
Lauren tells Kirstie that she owes their family, on account of destroying their family... seriously, that happens at least two or three times a year.
Ava is jealous of people flirting with Sam.
More Michael and Janine getting along - WE GET IT. The horse. Stop flogging the horse. It's dead.
Oh, Jean is talking in bad French for no good reason... and despite ruining hundreds of pounds worth of pots gets paid, all because she told Carl to leave.
Michael and Janine flog the dead horse more.
Max takes the responsible step of hiding a bottle of Scotch in the bread bin as Lauren walks in. Lauren tells Max to stop being so needy... and quite frankly, it is insufferable and a little creepy. Then Kirstie comes in with hula hoop earrings to try and reconcile and Lauren is A-OK... eh, alcoholism is something you can pretty much forget about, right? Oh, wait... no. No it isn't.
Janine wants to be a stay at home mum! And the game playing continues.
Ian's restaurant has suffered possibly the most abrupt fall off in business seen in history... he's gone from fully booked breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week to having to close early on a Friday night in what... two months? That is impressive. Lucy then stops by to tell him she's his boss and that not grassing him up to Janine is "kindness"... perhaps proving the descriptor "evil" is an apt one for this spiteful Satanic skeleton.
Janine asks Hollyoaks around... yawn.
Max and Kirstie have gotten back together... it's just so hard to give a damn.
Lauren is having a cry - most people would if they were getting advice from Pointless Poppy.
Hollyoaks turns up at Janine's doorstep and goodness, what a surprise - COUNT MOONULA SEES! Wow. Never seen that happen before.
Max says he's looking after Lauren and is no longer interested in Kirstie - so we know that he's going to stop caring about her and is pining for Kirstie.
Lauren confides in Pointless Poppy... because they're BFFs. Yawn.
Ian tries to bribe his daughter but she sees through this immediately, so Ian resorts to grovelling... Oh and she managed to uncover Ian's account fiddling AND do an extensive report on the R&R in an afternoon? Or is it a day? It's impossible to say and clearly irrelevant. Oh and Janine promotes Lucy and is still not fond of Hollyoaks.
Kirstie tells Carl to stop stalking her. Good advice.
Sam is flirted with by the new salon owner.
Janine breaks up a picnic between her daughter and Michael... clearly she's intent on making her a neurotic shut in.
Ian heads into the kitchen, to find Jean paying no attention to her cooking and apparently oblivious to the very quiet fire alarm... Again, if fire alarms in kitchens went off when there was smoke - they'd go off constantly... and why isn't this setting off the biblical flood sprinkler system? Anyway, Ian to the rescue - except he can't turn the gas of or lift a pan (wearing gloves) without burning himself like a mong.
Even Michael picks up on the fact his every scene with Janine is groundhog day.
Ian castigates Jean but for once, she seems fairly blasé to the whole thing... and then Ian listens to her assessing his inability to keep a consistent personality and begs her not to quit (after she quit).
Cue a groundhog day scene with Michael and Janine! Yawn.
Kirstie and Lauren heart-to-heart - yawn. Wait, Max comes in to save people? When?
With an alcoholic daughter, Max decides to pour himself a drink... and it's another time for people to pretend they're on the phone! Where people pause for a second at most for questions that would take several times that long...
Janine and Michael are now on the road to recovery thanks to their daughter having a bit of a tumble.
Oh, Ian - that is NOT a flattering look for a man of your ever increasing girth... It seems Ian has told Jean all his problems and is actually hiding from Carl in the kitchen.
Lauren tells Kirstie that she owes their family, on account of destroying their family... seriously, that happens at least two or three times a year.
Ava is jealous of people flirting with Sam.
More Michael and Janine getting along - WE GET IT. The horse. Stop flogging the horse. It's dead.
Oh, Jean is talking in bad French for no good reason... and despite ruining hundreds of pounds worth of pots gets paid, all because she told Carl to leave.
Michael and Janine flog the dead horse more.
Max takes the responsible step of hiding a bottle of Scotch in the bread bin as Lauren walks in. Lauren tells Max to stop being so needy... and quite frankly, it is insufferable and a little creepy. Then Kirstie comes in with hula hoop earrings to try and reconcile and Lauren is A-OK... eh, alcoholism is something you can pretty much forget about, right? Oh, wait... no. No it isn't.
Janine wants to be a stay at home mum! And the game playing continues.
Ian's restaurant has suffered possibly the most abrupt fall off in business seen in history... he's gone from fully booked breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week to having to close early on a Friday night in what... two months? That is impressive. Lucy then stops by to tell him she's his boss and that not grassing him up to Janine is "kindness"... perhaps proving the descriptor "evil" is an apt one for this spiteful Satanic skeleton.
Janine asks Hollyoaks around... yawn.
Max and Kirstie have gotten back together... it's just so hard to give a damn.
Lauren is having a cry - most people would if they were getting advice from Pointless Poppy.
Hollyoaks turns up at Janine's doorstep and goodness, what a surprise - COUNT MOONULA SEES! Wow. Never seen that happen before.
Thursday 8 August 2013
Thursday 8th August 2013
Everyone seems concerned about Lauren's sudden reappearance and the fact she's made breakfast but apparently Lauren needs her life back.
Pointless Poppy does not seem best pleased with her current situation as regards her new employer.
Lucy shuns Ian's attempts at reconciliation again.
Max wants to mollycoddle Lauren but she's having none of it - even going so far as to say he can't afford to throw business away... very true. Oh but then Lauren says "you can trust me". Alarm bells should be ringing.
Brainless Billy is trying to assert his power over Evil Lucy. "No more games." he says... and then she just sits down and refuses to clear out a filing cabinet.
Kat is pretending to be doing the books for the stall but really she has a letter from victim's liaison! DUN DUN DUN!
Twitney is worried about talking to Ava...
Lucy is surprised to see Lauren and it seems she wants to arrange super happy fun times - oh, right. No she isn't when she almost immediately brings up Joey. DUN DUN DUN! The Billy Idiot comes in to castigate an emotional Lucy.
Massages on the market! Sure, why not...
For some reason, Max is surprised that Lauren isn't home but rather seeing Twitney who gives her a hard time for expecting things to be the same. SHE WAS AWAY FOR A MONTH! It's not as if she came back ten years later and expected things to be the same. Oh and Tanya was calling but she didn't answer.
Max tries to warn Carl away from his faaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeeeeeeeeee.
Lauren is off to see Joey and gives him a big hug but he seems less than enthused at her return which puts her in a bit of a mood.
It seems Janine has rather cooled on Hollyoaks, seeming rather standoffish about a new deal she has.
Abi says Lauren almost broke the family - that's a bit harsh. Lauren is only about half responsible for the family's problems but the bottom line is things can't go back to normal just because she's stopped drinking.
All the womenfolk of Walford seem to be taking issue with the new salon owner... and Pointless Poppy tries to warn her this isn't a good plan but her boss knows what she's doing, apparently.
With Kat and Bianca having magically mended their relationship, it's time for Kat to confess that Ronnie is getting out of prison. DUN DUN DUN!
It seems Tiffany is practicing for a career as a journalist by recording Twitney without her knowledge or consent to get her the job at the playgroup back...
For some reason, Janine offers Lucy an opportunity for promotion.
Lauren is full on mope mode... she seems genuinely surprised that after everything she's done, people don't want to deal with her.
Elsewhere, Max is concerned about his daughter - there's a first time for everything!
Tiffany enacts her plan to get Twitney's job back!
Having followed Cora's advice, she talks to Twitney and Lucy - only to leave and shrug whe
AJ finds out the new salon owner was just leading men on for business purposes - WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?! This seems to impress Kirstie... oh and Kat comes in, clearly wanting to talk to Alfie only to turn around and leave when she seems him canoodling with Poxy.
Lauren stops by to give Joey a hug and also telling him it's not his fault.
Twitney gets her job back - yawn.
A shocking reveal as we actually remember the extortion plot and Lucy has found out that Ian is fiddling the books to give Carl his money and she's going to tell Janine!
Lauren offers Max an ultimatum on whether she can stay in Walford. WHAT WILL HE DECIDE?!
Pointless Poppy does not seem best pleased with her current situation as regards her new employer.
Lucy shuns Ian's attempts at reconciliation again.
Max wants to mollycoddle Lauren but she's having none of it - even going so far as to say he can't afford to throw business away... very true. Oh but then Lauren says "you can trust me". Alarm bells should be ringing.
Brainless Billy is trying to assert his power over Evil Lucy. "No more games." he says... and then she just sits down and refuses to clear out a filing cabinet.
Kat is pretending to be doing the books for the stall but really she has a letter from victim's liaison! DUN DUN DUN!
Twitney is worried about talking to Ava...
Lucy is surprised to see Lauren and it seems she wants to arrange super happy fun times - oh, right. No she isn't when she almost immediately brings up Joey. DUN DUN DUN! The Billy Idiot comes in to castigate an emotional Lucy.
Massages on the market! Sure, why not...
For some reason, Max is surprised that Lauren isn't home but rather seeing Twitney who gives her a hard time for expecting things to be the same. SHE WAS AWAY FOR A MONTH! It's not as if she came back ten years later and expected things to be the same. Oh and Tanya was calling but she didn't answer.
Max tries to warn Carl away from his faaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeeeeeeeeee.
Lauren is off to see Joey and gives him a big hug but he seems less than enthused at her return which puts her in a bit of a mood.
It seems Janine has rather cooled on Hollyoaks, seeming rather standoffish about a new deal she has.
Abi says Lauren almost broke the family - that's a bit harsh. Lauren is only about half responsible for the family's problems but the bottom line is things can't go back to normal just because she's stopped drinking.
All the womenfolk of Walford seem to be taking issue with the new salon owner... and Pointless Poppy tries to warn her this isn't a good plan but her boss knows what she's doing, apparently.
With Kat and Bianca having magically mended their relationship, it's time for Kat to confess that Ronnie is getting out of prison. DUN DUN DUN!
It seems Tiffany is practicing for a career as a journalist by recording Twitney without her knowledge or consent to get her the job at the playgroup back...
For some reason, Janine offers Lucy an opportunity for promotion.
Lauren is full on mope mode... she seems genuinely surprised that after everything she's done, people don't want to deal with her.
Elsewhere, Max is concerned about his daughter - there's a first time for everything!
Tiffany enacts her plan to get Twitney's job back!
Having followed Cora's advice, she talks to Twitney and Lucy - only to leave and shrug whe
AJ finds out the new salon owner was just leading men on for business purposes - WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?! This seems to impress Kirstie... oh and Kat comes in, clearly wanting to talk to Alfie only to turn around and leave when she seems him canoodling with Poxy.
Lauren stops by to give Joey a hug and also telling him it's not his fault.
Twitney gets her job back - yawn.
A shocking reveal as we actually remember the extortion plot and Lucy has found out that Ian is fiddling the books to give Carl his money and she's going to tell Janine!
Lauren offers Max an ultimatum on whether she can stay in Walford. WHAT WILL HE DECIDE?!
Tuesday 6 August 2013
Tuesday 6th August 2013
Carl is trying to wind up Max about Kirstie, intimating they had sex.
Tyler is thinking about leaving - let's hope it's soon.
Pointless Poppy is worried about her job! So, she tries to get Misery Guts Carol to have a cosmetic procedure - that goes predictably.
Max seems to be letting Kirstie stay in his flat, also
Billy Idiot tries to appear useful (and fails, obviously) to Hollyoaks and then there's a little more Janine/Michael game playing.
Twitney apparently can't read because she thinks her grade is an A*... actually, it said A+ Twit. Which probably means it's a forgery. Then Tyler comes in and Alfie gives him a peptalk. Yawn.
Pointless Poppy is still looking for test subjects for her new procedures.
Billy Idiot is turned on by the sight of the skeletal jailbait that is Evil Lucy. Good grief, she's the same age as your grand daughter!
Cora tells Kirstie Max thinks she was with Carl, prompting her to storm over to the cart lot and interrupt the first customer Max has seen this year... Obviously, that's not taking into account the fake one from yesterday.
Lucy outmaneuvers the primitive brain of Billy Idiot and she then stands at the bar and looks pleased with herself as she overhears Kirstie gripe at Carl.
Tyler tells Twitney he might be off, then he becomes a pawn in Count Moonula's chess game.
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuur has been recruited to help Tyler cheer up - but dohohoh - he let Pointless Poppy do her eyelash thing on him.
Little do they know that Tyler is the latest chess piece in the labyrinthine schemes of Count Moonula! Who is now pretending to repossess Hollyoaks flashy car in front of a client, while Janine is detained by the Count himself. This prompts a predictable outcome where Tyler drives off with the car, the client storms off JUST as Janine exits the restaurant and Hollyoaks is left explaining (also, Billy Idiot is cleaning up in the club).
Max tries to reconcile with Kirstie but his verbal word slurry isn't cutting it today.
Goodness, Billy Idiot is wise to Evil Lucy's diabolical plans... OR IS HE? The smirk on her face says he might not be.
Tyler decides to head off to Europe - with what money, exactly?
Max tries to talk to Kirstie around again... who cares?
Oh, thirty seconds and Tyler is ready to leave FOREVER! Wow, these sendoffs are getting less and less auspicious. Oh, then Pointless Poppy spills the beans about him leaving to Twitney and she rushes out to see him off in his fancy stolen car and they say goodbye.
Clearly, even the Crayon Crew know that Tyler's departure is a non-event because him driving off isn't the end - instead, Max wins over Kirstie by kissing her and dragging her into his house... but surprise! Lauren is there... and has managed to stop looking like a corpse. Bad news, she's caught Twitney Oompa Loompa.
Tyler is thinking about leaving - let's hope it's soon.
Pointless Poppy is worried about her job! So, she tries to get Misery Guts Carol to have a cosmetic procedure - that goes predictably.
Max seems to be letting Kirstie stay in his flat, also
Billy Idiot tries to appear useful (and fails, obviously) to Hollyoaks and then there's a little more Janine/Michael game playing.
Twitney apparently can't read because she thinks her grade is an A*... actually, it said A+ Twit. Which probably means it's a forgery. Then Tyler comes in and Alfie gives him a peptalk. Yawn.
Pointless Poppy is still looking for test subjects for her new procedures.
Billy Idiot is turned on by the sight of the skeletal jailbait that is Evil Lucy. Good grief, she's the same age as your grand daughter!
Cora tells Kirstie Max thinks she was with Carl, prompting her to storm over to the cart lot and interrupt the first customer Max has seen this year... Obviously, that's not taking into account the fake one from yesterday.
Lucy outmaneuvers the primitive brain of Billy Idiot and she then stands at the bar and looks pleased with herself as she overhears Kirstie gripe at Carl.
Tyler tells Twitney he might be off, then he becomes a pawn in Count Moonula's chess game.
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuur has been recruited to help Tyler cheer up - but dohohoh - he let Pointless Poppy do her eyelash thing on him.
Little do they know that Tyler is the latest chess piece in the labyrinthine schemes of Count Moonula! Who is now pretending to repossess Hollyoaks flashy car in front of a client, while Janine is detained by the Count himself. This prompts a predictable outcome where Tyler drives off with the car, the client storms off JUST as Janine exits the restaurant and Hollyoaks is left explaining (also, Billy Idiot is cleaning up in the club).
Max tries to reconcile with Kirstie but his verbal word slurry isn't cutting it today.
Goodness, Billy Idiot is wise to Evil Lucy's diabolical plans... OR IS HE? The smirk on her face says he might not be.
Tyler decides to head off to Europe - with what money, exactly?
Max tries to talk to Kirstie around again... who cares?
Oh, thirty seconds and Tyler is ready to leave FOREVER! Wow, these sendoffs are getting less and less auspicious. Oh, then Pointless Poppy spills the beans about him leaving to Twitney and she rushes out to see him off in his fancy stolen car and they say goodbye.
Clearly, even the Crayon Crew know that Tyler's departure is a non-event because him driving off isn't the end - instead, Max wins over Kirstie by kissing her and dragging her into his house... but surprise! Lauren is there... and has managed to stop looking like a corpse. Bad news, she's caught Twitney Oompa Loompa.
Monday 5 August 2013
Monday 5th August 2013
Max returns and Pointless Poppy returns to find her new manager changing the sign.
Twitney has got herself together (minus being an Oompa Loompa).
Max returns to find Patrick and Cora like a couple of squatters in his house.
Alfie and Poxy have set a date for the wedding - VALENTINE'S DAY! WHAT?! Not a wedding in the same month?! Shocking.
Twitney moans to Kat about Tyler - yawn.
Max gives some perfunctory dialogue about the rest of the family, as if even the Crayon Crew couldn't be bothered. With Max even saying all that matters is him, Abby and work (in that order). Wow, lazy writing!
Carl is pining for Kirstie after his close call with Kat. The Alfie gives Tyler some relationship advice!
Pointless Poppy tries to win favour with new manager Sadie... who gives a damn?
Count Moonula turns up at Janine's to find Hollyoaks there feeding his daughter. Which causes him to explode.
Max tells Carl he isn't interested in Kirstie. This pleases Carl.
Twitney gives Tyler his necklace back but he won't take it and they're being friends.
Kat tells Count Moonula Hollyoaks might be a serial killer - he takes it seriously. Then Tyler tells him Saint Alfie of Walford wants words.
Wow, Jack is still around! Then Max gives him a hard time for not running the car lot well... what, so he didn't sell a quarter of a car? The car lot is selling cars in the single figures. He'd be doing well to sell someone a pair on windscreen wipers. He then goes on to ignore Sadie, the new salon owner but don't worry - Jack looks very happy at her behind.
Carl's mother has taken a turn for the worse! He runs to see Kirstie - what a momma's boy.
Kat gets to the Vic and finds out from Poxy that a date for the wedding has been set. She then apologises to Carl for trying to have sex with him in an alley.
Oh, lawdy - Max and Kirstie stuff and predictably - Carl spies them.
Count Moonula word of the day SAGACIOUS - that's a good one, Count Moonula. There is indeed wisdom in checking out sleazy soap characters dealing and Hollyoaks seems fine with being checked on the sex offenders register until
Max and Kirstie stuff - yawn! If Max doesn't turn up by X, IT'S OVER!
Twitney is friends with everyone again!
Patrick is tidying up but Max isn't impressed telling both him AND Cora to clear off. Then Sadie turns up - because she's been trying to talk to him but he hasn't been listening (a soap cliche older than any holy book) and apparently there are bags of sentimental things... in the salon?! WHAT?! Not just some things "bags" of it.
Carl is guilting Kirstie - who is now anxious because of previous ultimatum.
Hollyoaks isn't a paedo! Then he walks in with some business plans. At least they don't say the house price - given the recent laughable rates quoted for two or three months in a B&B, that's for the best.
Abi says it's for the best that Lauren and Tanya stay away - he doesn't have to like it, says Max.
Carl has hired a thug! Good to meet him in a local place like the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
Kat wishes Alfie well - who cares?
More Max moaning - who cares?
Ah, back to Count Moonula and Hollyoaks! The Moon seems very amused by the fact Hollyoaks has a floozy.
Oh, Carl's thug is just detaining Max for cliched drama reasons! So Kirstie can look at the clock. Oh, if only Max had some means of mobile communication... some kind of PHONE he could carry around! He gets out, JUST in time to see Carl in the window... but doesn't bother to go and ring the doorbell. What a plum.
Twitney has got herself together (minus being an Oompa Loompa).
Max returns to find Patrick and Cora like a couple of squatters in his house.
Alfie and Poxy have set a date for the wedding - VALENTINE'S DAY! WHAT?! Not a wedding in the same month?! Shocking.
Twitney moans to Kat about Tyler - yawn.
Max gives some perfunctory dialogue about the rest of the family, as if even the Crayon Crew couldn't be bothered. With Max even saying all that matters is him, Abby and work (in that order). Wow, lazy writing!
Carl is pining for Kirstie after his close call with Kat. The Alfie gives Tyler some relationship advice!
Pointless Poppy tries to win favour with new manager Sadie... who gives a damn?
Count Moonula turns up at Janine's to find Hollyoaks there feeding his daughter. Which causes him to explode.
Max tells Carl he isn't interested in Kirstie. This pleases Carl.
Twitney gives Tyler his necklace back but he won't take it and they're being friends.
Kat tells Count Moonula Hollyoaks might be a serial killer - he takes it seriously. Then Tyler tells him Saint Alfie of Walford wants words.
Wow, Jack is still around! Then Max gives him a hard time for not running the car lot well... what, so he didn't sell a quarter of a car? The car lot is selling cars in the single figures. He'd be doing well to sell someone a pair on windscreen wipers. He then goes on to ignore Sadie, the new salon owner but don't worry - Jack looks very happy at her behind.
Carl's mother has taken a turn for the worse! He runs to see Kirstie - what a momma's boy.
Kat gets to the Vic and finds out from Poxy that a date for the wedding has been set. She then apologises to Carl for trying to have sex with him in an alley.
Oh, lawdy - Max and Kirstie stuff and predictably - Carl spies them.
Count Moonula word of the day SAGACIOUS - that's a good one, Count Moonula. There is indeed wisdom in checking out sleazy soap characters dealing and Hollyoaks seems fine with being checked on the sex offenders register until
Max and Kirstie stuff - yawn! If Max doesn't turn up by X, IT'S OVER!
Twitney is friends with everyone again!
Patrick is tidying up but Max isn't impressed telling both him AND Cora to clear off. Then Sadie turns up - because she's been trying to talk to him but he hasn't been listening (a soap cliche older than any holy book) and apparently there are bags of sentimental things... in the salon?! WHAT?! Not just some things "bags" of it.
Carl is guilting Kirstie - who is now anxious because of previous ultimatum.
Hollyoaks isn't a paedo! Then he walks in with some business plans. At least they don't say the house price - given the recent laughable rates quoted for two or three months in a B&B, that's for the best.
Abi says it's for the best that Lauren and Tanya stay away - he doesn't have to like it, says Max.
Carl has hired a thug! Good to meet him in a local place like the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
Kat wishes Alfie well - who cares?
More Max moaning - who cares?
Ah, back to Count Moonula and Hollyoaks! The Moon seems very amused by the fact Hollyoaks has a floozy.
Oh, Carl's thug is just detaining Max for cliched drama reasons! So Kirstie can look at the clock. Oh, if only Max had some means of mobile communication... some kind of PHONE he could carry around! He gets out, JUST in time to see Carl in the window... but doesn't bother to go and ring the doorbell. What a plum.
Friday 2 August 2013
Friday 2nd August 2013
Twitney is still intent on running away but Bianca is adamant that shouting at her is the best solution is to shout at her. Then in a rare moment of lucidity, she apologises for snapping but then Twitney says it's not about that - more about the fact Bianca was oblivious to her being molested but straight back to form Bianca says that's over... because it's not as if being molested is something that scars people for their entire life or anything! Oh, wait... IT IS. Then straight back to shouting, Twitney then blames Bianca AND herself and as she's about to leave Tiffany appears on the stairs... and Twitney runs off into the night.
A drunken Kat, looking more whorish than ever before solicits compliments from Carl before dragging him to the alley by the Vic for some sleazy and unhygienic sex... Amazingly, Carl turns her down.
Twitney storms off (again) after pointing out that Bianca had left the door open and this prompts Kat and Bianca to instantly reconcile, with Kat being charged with going after Twitney... because someone drunk, looking like a hooooooor stumbling around on high heels - THAT'S the person you want trying to reason with an emotional teenager dealing with a lot of heavy issues.
It's pitch black outside and yet still quite lively... and the Vic is still open. What time is it supposed to be, exactly? And what day? Who knows... and it never matters in Walford anyway, where people unwind after a stressful weekend with heavy drinking on a Monday night... but Ian provides Kat with some indication of where Twitney headed.
Bianca is bawling her eyes out at home and Misery Guts Carol comes in and pours a suitable amount of scorn on Kat's abilities to bring Twitney home safe.
These concerns seem entirely justified as Kat's shouting gets Twitney noticed by some unwholesome boys standing around a lurid green car, where Twitney pretty much offers sex up for anyone that wants it.
The end up in a pub and Kat drags Twitney into the ladies toilets for a heart-to-heart and obviously, Kat launches into her "I understand because I was molested too!"
An ill wind seems to be blowing at Bianca's... mostly because there's a wind sound effect... and then it's time for Bianca and Tiffany to make up.
Kat seems to suggest eye contact facilitates telepathy... Twitney does her "Tony's death is my fault" and then Kat ridiculously suggests they put these traumatic events behind them, even the young Twitney scoffs at that ridiculous notion. Then Kat gets all self-pitying about how this ruined her life (again) and tells Twitney to go back to Bianca.
Tiffany asks a number of difficult questions of her mother, which prompts her to tell her daughter she has to be careful. Then Bianca has a good ol' cry and then Twitney is home! Cue tearful reunion, oh and Bianca and Kat are now BFFs again.
A drunken Kat, looking more whorish than ever before solicits compliments from Carl before dragging him to the alley by the Vic for some sleazy and unhygienic sex... Amazingly, Carl turns her down.
Twitney storms off (again) after pointing out that Bianca had left the door open and this prompts Kat and Bianca to instantly reconcile, with Kat being charged with going after Twitney... because someone drunk, looking like a hooooooor stumbling around on high heels - THAT'S the person you want trying to reason with an emotional teenager dealing with a lot of heavy issues.
It's pitch black outside and yet still quite lively... and the Vic is still open. What time is it supposed to be, exactly? And what day? Who knows... and it never matters in Walford anyway, where people unwind after a stressful weekend with heavy drinking on a Monday night... but Ian provides Kat with some indication of where Twitney headed.
Bianca is bawling her eyes out at home and Misery Guts Carol comes in and pours a suitable amount of scorn on Kat's abilities to bring Twitney home safe.
These concerns seem entirely justified as Kat's shouting gets Twitney noticed by some unwholesome boys standing around a lurid green car, where Twitney pretty much offers sex up for anyone that wants it.
The end up in a pub and Kat drags Twitney into the ladies toilets for a heart-to-heart and obviously, Kat launches into her "I understand because I was molested too!"
An ill wind seems to be blowing at Bianca's... mostly because there's a wind sound effect... and then it's time for Bianca and Tiffany to make up.
Kat seems to suggest eye contact facilitates telepathy... Twitney does her "Tony's death is my fault" and then Kat ridiculously suggests they put these traumatic events behind them, even the young Twitney scoffs at that ridiculous notion. Then Kat gets all self-pitying about how this ruined her life (again) and tells Twitney to go back to Bianca.
Tiffany asks a number of difficult questions of her mother, which prompts her to tell her daughter she has to be careful. Then Bianca has a good ol' cry and then Twitney is home! Cue tearful reunion, oh and Bianca and Kat are now BFFs again.
Thursday 1 August 2013
Thursday 1st August 2013
Twitney - looking markedly less like an Oompa Loompa - tells Bianca she came clean and Bianca tells her she should have lied through her teeth but Twitney seems intent on self-pity. Bianca then insists that she "get her warpaint on" and fight for him.
Over in the Vic, Alfie is giving Tyler some advice on being married to a slapper but dohoho, who should be listening at the door other than Kat?
What a shock, Janine has got Evil Lucy to do her filing. Who could have seen that coming.
Kat says she's REALLY looking forward to the party - a little TOO hard and then announces she has a date.
Twitney and Tyler try to reconcile but Twitney just doesn't know why she's following in the footsteps of... every other woman in Walford. She's a bit upset as Tyler walks off with all the emotion of a rock.
Janine is able to multitask rather efficiently at demeaning BOTH Count Moonula AND Lucy. Yawn.
Walford's latest attempt at Romeo and Juliet - Bobby and Tiffany are caught by Patrick... yawn.
Jean's dating dilemmas... then Kat looks sad when she listens to Jean calling DCI The Bill.
Tiffany and Bobby... WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!
Twitney sees girls talking about boys at the community centre and just ups and quits her job... this PTSD is pretty delayed.
A scene of Kat dressing up to look more like a prostitute than usual!
Evil Lucy tries to be smug to Twitney but oh, snap - Twitney already TOLD Tyler. That throws her for a loop and then her father condescends to her as she is reduced to fetching coffees... because when people order coffee now they JUST say "coffee", it's not as if Starbucks outnumber churches ten to one or anything...
Carl and Kat start their date... wow, this is just embarrassing. Especially as both Kat and Carl are doing their best to make their former lovers jealous...
Evil Lucy manages to impress Janine by spilling coffee over her and Hollyoaks
Bianca tries to have a heart to heart with Tyler in the Vic as Kat laughs like a hyena in the background. Then Twitney comes in but before she can talk to Tyler, Joey walks in and some generic punching noises occur when Tyler lamps him. Amazingly, Alfie grows a spine to break it up. That's pretty improbable. Oh and then Bianca realises that Twitney didn't pick up Tiffany. DUN DUN DUN!
The smell of desperation wafts off Jean like the sickly sweet aroma of a compost heap in the middle of summer as she heads to the allotments to try and track down DCI The Bill. Patrick suggests she up the ante by trying to find his house - because that won't scream stalker.
Bianca is still trying to track down her wayward child but she is unaware they are in allotments - fortunately, mere moments later Patrick calls Bianca though and tells her where they are and then Bianca gets to be snippy with Ian. Dohohoho.
Time for another attempt at a heart to heart for Twitney and Tyler but unfortunately, their relationship depends on Tyler understanding something... Relationship over! That was easy.
Bianca drags Tiffany home - yawn.
Everyone is wishing the happy couple congratulations when Kat and Poxy start to snipe at one another. Who could have seen that coming?
After Jean's desperation and anxiety, DCI The Bill turns up and gives us a little TOO much detail on the conjugal rites of the previous night... Although, to be fair - merely explicitly stating the event occurred was a little close to the line.
Bianca, ever the sensitive soul and thoughtful mother, aware that Twitney is dealing with a great deal of emotional baggage that has all been brought back up after Tony's death does what any good parent/best friend does. She starts another shrill remonstration.
Kat starts playing games with Alfie but for the second time in a day, Alfie seems to have become a vertebrate! Will wonders never cease? Oh but to make up for that, he seems terribly upset when she rushes off but that passes almost immediately and then he proposes to Poxy with a great big diamond ring.
Just to prove that Bianca is the best mother ever, we close out with Twitney packing her bags to run away from home. Again. Goodness, what an original storyline! What's next? Her falling into prostitution?!
Over in the Vic, Alfie is giving Tyler some advice on being married to a slapper but dohoho, who should be listening at the door other than Kat?
What a shock, Janine has got Evil Lucy to do her filing. Who could have seen that coming.
Kat says she's REALLY looking forward to the party - a little TOO hard and then announces she has a date.
Twitney and Tyler try to reconcile but Twitney just doesn't know why she's following in the footsteps of... every other woman in Walford. She's a bit upset as Tyler walks off with all the emotion of a rock.
Janine is able to multitask rather efficiently at demeaning BOTH Count Moonula AND Lucy. Yawn.
Walford's latest attempt at Romeo and Juliet - Bobby and Tiffany are caught by Patrick... yawn.
Jean's dating dilemmas... then Kat looks sad when she listens to Jean calling DCI The Bill.
Tiffany and Bobby... WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!
Twitney sees girls talking about boys at the community centre and just ups and quits her job... this PTSD is pretty delayed.
A scene of Kat dressing up to look more like a prostitute than usual!
Evil Lucy tries to be smug to Twitney but oh, snap - Twitney already TOLD Tyler. That throws her for a loop and then her father condescends to her as she is reduced to fetching coffees... because when people order coffee now they JUST say "coffee", it's not as if Starbucks outnumber churches ten to one or anything...
Carl and Kat start their date... wow, this is just embarrassing. Especially as both Kat and Carl are doing their best to make their former lovers jealous...
Evil Lucy manages to impress Janine by spilling coffee over her and Hollyoaks
Bianca tries to have a heart to heart with Tyler in the Vic as Kat laughs like a hyena in the background. Then Twitney comes in but before she can talk to Tyler, Joey walks in and some generic punching noises occur when Tyler lamps him. Amazingly, Alfie grows a spine to break it up. That's pretty improbable. Oh and then Bianca realises that Twitney didn't pick up Tiffany. DUN DUN DUN!
The smell of desperation wafts off Jean like the sickly sweet aroma of a compost heap in the middle of summer as she heads to the allotments to try and track down DCI The Bill. Patrick suggests she up the ante by trying to find his house - because that won't scream stalker.
Bianca is still trying to track down her wayward child but she is unaware they are in allotments - fortunately, mere moments later Patrick calls Bianca though and tells her where they are and then Bianca gets to be snippy with Ian. Dohohoho.
Time for another attempt at a heart to heart for Twitney and Tyler but unfortunately, their relationship depends on Tyler understanding something... Relationship over! That was easy.
Bianca drags Tiffany home - yawn.
Everyone is wishing the happy couple congratulations when Kat and Poxy start to snipe at one another. Who could have seen that coming?
After Jean's desperation and anxiety, DCI The Bill turns up and gives us a little TOO much detail on the conjugal rites of the previous night... Although, to be fair - merely explicitly stating the event occurred was a little close to the line.
Bianca, ever the sensitive soul and thoughtful mother, aware that Twitney is dealing with a great deal of emotional baggage that has all been brought back up after Tony's death does what any good parent/best friend does. She starts another shrill remonstration.
Kat starts playing games with Alfie but for the second time in a day, Alfie seems to have become a vertebrate! Will wonders never cease? Oh but to make up for that, he seems terribly upset when she rushes off but that passes almost immediately and then he proposes to Poxy with a great big diamond ring.
Just to prove that Bianca is the best mother ever, we close out with Twitney packing her bags to run away from home. Again. Goodness, what an original storyline! What's next? Her falling into prostitution?!
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