Friday 16th August 2013

Carl is still getting a pat down and have they found something in his pocket?

Tanya has invited her mother to rehab... a cause for celebration, says Max.

Predictably, Carl doesn't have any drugs on him but he seems a mite stressed.

Tamwar is in love with Alice! Yawn.

Joey is concerned that Carl will blame him and Max for the shake down but Lauren is

Carl would rather be dead than back inside... and gasp, could Kirstie still have feelings for him?

Pointless Poppy is doing her best to come across as retarded but Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur manages to interrupt for operation get Tamwar a relationship.

Carl mopes about prison and Max telling tales, which seems to place some doubt in Kirstie's mind... and then Max - the man you can tell is lying by virtue of his mouth being open - comes in and is unable to respond.

Some awkwardness when Twitney turns up to the club where Lauren and Joey are.

Pointless Poppy is trying REALLY hard to seem as if she is mentally subnormal tonight as planning for operation get Tamwar a relationship continues.

Lauren confesses to taking a sip of vodka, at which point Joey and Twitney look at her as if she said she put a baby in blender and doesn't even try to complete the anecdote... because she omits the spitting the vodka out... What an idiot.

Max is still unable to simply deny he called the police and then there's the predictable goading... and then Patrick wades in to tell Carl he's not welcome there. Since when could he make that kind of decision. Then Max leaves his coat behind and Carl purloins his phone.

Lauren comes back as if she JUST remembered she spat the vodka out to be all loud and shouty. Ah, lectures in morality from a recovering alcoholic. Good grief, this isn't Eastenders anymore - it's Lauren and the Brannings. Anyway, Lauren doesn't want Joey for what... the hundredth time?

IT'S THE SINGLES NIGHT! Bianca and AJ have some pointless deal to see if they can find a suitable partner for one another.

Oh and Tamwar and Half-Day Alice start on their blind date. Boring.

Kat speaks some words of wisdom "Fix me something to take away the pain." Wise words.

Carl is noting down all the numbers from Max's phone... there's probably an app for that... Patrick comes along and does a weak "sling yooooooooor 'ook" and predictably relents when Carl gives him puppy dog eyes.

The blind date continues - who cares?

Singles night continues - who cares? If you like unfunny, telegraphed jokes - you just might!

Arfuuuuuuuuur, Poppy and Dot wonder about the date but it seems today is the day for leaving phones behind and Poppy sees a call from a lady! DUN DUN DUN!

Tamwar and Alice kiss!

Lauren returns to the Branning house because if there is one thing we've not got enough of - it's Brannings and she says she wants five minutes without drama... I think you'd have to be looking for a rather more permanent solution to achieve that. She gives Max back his phone, which Carl had handed to her and what a shock, he heads across the Square to see Carl who is standing around outside and offers a very well spoken  and polite threat about how he's going to end his relationship with Kirstie in three weeks.