Monday 5th August 2013

Max returns and Pointless Poppy returns to find her new manager changing the sign.

Twitney has got herself together (minus being an Oompa Loompa).

Max returns to find Patrick and Cora like a couple of squatters in his house.

Alfie and Poxy have set a date for the wedding - VALENTINE'S DAY! WHAT?! Not a wedding in the same month?! Shocking.

Twitney moans to Kat about Tyler - yawn.

Max gives some perfunctory dialogue about the rest of the family, as if even the Crayon Crew couldn't be bothered. With Max even saying all that matters is him, Abby and work (in that order). Wow, lazy writing!

Carl is pining for Kirstie after his close call with Kat. The Alfie gives Tyler some relationship advice!

Pointless Poppy tries to win favour with new manager Sadie... who gives a damn?

Count Moonula turns up at Janine's to find Hollyoaks there feeding his daughter. Which causes him to explode.

Max tells Carl he isn't interested in Kirstie. This pleases Carl.

Twitney gives Tyler his necklace back but he won't take it and they're being friends.

Kat tells Count Moonula Hollyoaks might be a serial killer - he takes it seriously. Then Tyler tells him Saint Alfie of Walford wants words.

Wow, Jack is still around! Then Max gives him a hard time for not running the car lot well... what, so he didn't sell a quarter of a car? The car lot is selling cars in the single figures. He'd be doing well to sell someone a pair on windscreen wipers. He then goes on to ignore Sadie, the new salon owner but don't worry - Jack looks very happy at her behind.

Carl's mother has taken a turn for the worse! He runs to see Kirstie - what a momma's boy.

Kat gets to the Vic and finds out from Poxy that a date for the wedding has been set. She then apologises to Carl for trying to have sex with him in an alley.

Oh, lawdy - Max and Kirstie stuff and predictably - Carl spies them.

Count Moonula word of the day SAGACIOUS - that's a good one, Count Moonula. There is indeed wisdom in checking out sleazy soap characters dealing and Hollyoaks seems fine with being checked on the sex offenders register until

Max and Kirstie stuff - yawn! If Max doesn't turn up by X, IT'S OVER!

Twitney is friends with everyone again!

Patrick is tidying up but Max isn't impressed telling both him AND Cora to clear off. Then Sadie turns up - because she's been trying to talk to him but he hasn't been listening (a soap cliche older than any holy book) and apparently there are bags of sentimental things... in the salon?! WHAT?! Not just some things "bags" of it.

Carl is guilting Kirstie - who is now anxious because of previous ultimatum.

Hollyoaks isn't a paedo! Then he walks in with some business plans. At least they don't say the house price - given the recent laughable rates quoted for two or three months in a B&B, that's for the best.

Abi says it's for the best that Lauren and Tanya stay away - he doesn't have to like it, says Max.

Carl has hired a thug! Good to meet him in a local place like the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

Kat wishes Alfie well - who cares?

More Max moaning - who cares?

Ah, back to Count Moonula and Hollyoaks! The Moon seems very amused by the fact Hollyoaks has a floozy.

Oh, Carl's thug is just detaining Max for cliched drama reasons! So Kirstie can look at the clock. Oh, if only Max had some means of mobile communication... some kind of PHONE he could carry around! He gets out, JUST in time to see Carl in the window... but doesn't bother to go and ring the doorbell. What a plum.