Thursday 1st August 2013

Twitney - looking markedly less like an Oompa Loompa - tells Bianca she came clean and Bianca tells her she should have lied through her teeth but Twitney seems intent on self-pity. Bianca then insists that she "get her warpaint on" and fight for him.

Over in the Vic, Alfie is giving Tyler some advice on being married to a slapper but dohoho, who should be listening at the door other than Kat?

What a shock, Janine has got Evil Lucy to do  her filing. Who could have seen that coming.

Kat says she's REALLY looking forward to the party - a little TOO hard and then announces she has a date.

Twitney and Tyler try to reconcile but Twitney just doesn't know why she's following in the footsteps of... every other woman in Walford. She's a bit upset as Tyler walks off with all the emotion of a rock.

Janine is able to multitask rather efficiently at demeaning BOTH Count Moonula AND Lucy. Yawn.

Walford's latest attempt at Romeo and Juliet - Bobby and Tiffany are caught by Patrick... yawn.

Jean's dating dilemmas... then Kat looks sad when she listens to Jean calling DCI The Bill.

Tiffany and Bobby... WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!

Twitney sees girls talking about boys at the community centre and just ups and quits her job... this PTSD is pretty delayed.

A scene of Kat dressing up to look more like a prostitute than usual!

Evil Lucy tries to be smug to Twitney but oh, snap - Twitney already TOLD Tyler. That throws her for a loop and then her father condescends to her as she is reduced to fetching coffees... because when people order coffee now they JUST say "coffee", it's not as if Starbucks outnumber churches ten to one or anything...

Carl and Kat start their date... wow, this is just embarrassing. Especially as both Kat and Carl are doing their best to make their former lovers jealous...

Evil Lucy manages to impress Janine by spilling coffee over her and Hollyoaks

Bianca tries to have a heart to heart with Tyler in the Vic as Kat laughs like a hyena in the background. Then Twitney comes in but before she can talk to Tyler, Joey walks in and some generic punching noises occur when Tyler lamps him. Amazingly, Alfie grows a spine to break it up. That's pretty improbable. Oh and then Bianca realises that Twitney didn't pick up Tiffany. DUN DUN DUN!

The smell of desperation wafts off Jean like the sickly sweet aroma of a compost heap in the middle of summer as she heads to the allotments to try and track down DCI The Bill. Patrick suggests she up the ante by trying to find his house - because that won't scream stalker.

Bianca is still trying to track down her wayward child but she is unaware they are in allotments - fortunately, mere moments later Patrick calls Bianca though and tells her where they are and then Bianca gets to be snippy with Ian. Dohohoho.

Time for another attempt at a heart to heart for Twitney and Tyler but unfortunately, their relationship depends on Tyler understanding something... Relationship over! That was easy.

Bianca drags Tiffany home - yawn.

Everyone is wishing the happy couple congratulations when Kat and Poxy start to snipe at one another. Who could have seen that coming?

After Jean's desperation and anxiety, DCI The Bill turns up and gives us a little TOO much detail on the conjugal rites of the previous night... Although, to be fair - merely explicitly stating the event occurred was a little close to the line.

Bianca, ever the sensitive soul and thoughtful mother, aware that Twitney is dealing with a great deal of emotional baggage that has all been brought back up after Tony's death does what any good parent/best friend does. She starts another shrill remonstration.

Kat starts playing games with Alfie but for the second time in a day, Alfie seems to have become a vertebrate! Will wonders never cease? Oh but to make up for that, he seems terribly upset when she rushes off but that passes almost immediately and then he proposes to Poxy with a great big diamond ring.

Just to prove that Bianca is the best mother ever, we close out with Twitney packing her bags to run away from home. Again. Goodness, what an original storyline! What's next? Her falling into prostitution?!