So egregious is Tanya's debauchery that even the continuity announcer feels it necessary to slut shame her... ouch. Then the fire alarm goes off because Lauren somehow set off the smoke alarm. Oh and Cora appears to have risen from the grave... having apparently been buried alive, at least judging by the look of her.
Bianca decides - what with Liam having running off many times before - it's best to just await his return. Just as well there was nothing in the offing about legal proceedings against you for his truancy, eh? OH WAIT! Just as well these things blow over if you ignore them, eh?
The laundrette has been broken into... and if we're not careful, we might actually remember Dot is a fugitive from the law. Nope. Beyond Dot rolling her eyes a bit when she says she's fine.
King Phil wanders downstairs - with Tanya looking as if she had her face vandalised with clown make-up - to be met with mutual silence from the assembled Branning women... and who should come calling but everyone's least favourite meatbag - Sharon... who somehow STILL manages to look worse than Tanya in her clown face. King Phil waltzes off with his baby (that Sharon delivered) and then everyone says "PHIL MITCHELL?!" in what one can only assume was intended to be funny.
Billy Idiot gets some contractually obligated screentime by promising to fix Ava's car... Let's just hope he sets himself on fire or something.
It would appear that the break-in at the laundrette was down to Shirley... who has apparently run off. Well, there's a small consolation... maybe an appetiser for the conflagration of Billy Idiot?! Best not to get your hopes up.
Turns out Tanya can't even remembered if she and Phil had sex... oh and she has fixed her make-up. Even Cora looks a little better but then, it's more shocking that she's talking sense about King Phil being bad news. So Tanya has to confirm with the King that they didn't sleep together - which he does. Who cares?
Jacknocchio is informed of the Liam situation and things JUST GOT REAL! Really boring. Seriously, it was dull when we had to see it last time and that had Jack getting shot and talking like a stroke victim with a burnt tongue... so far we've had... uh, Liam buying new trainer and Tamwar and Bianca "hurled" to the ground. You'd see more unruly behaviour at a Tuesday night bingo club in Cornwall.
Jean - who has apparently rolled her insanity dice as quirky detective ala Monk today - is trying to find out what has happened to Shirley... and it seems almost no one cares.
Tanya confronts Sharon about her and King Phil kissing... and makes the mistake of trying to reason with her. Naturally, Sharon being worse than Adolf Hitler - she takes the concern of her best (and only) friend and throws it back in her face. She's just got a way with words... actually, it's hard to tell with those pauldron -esque shoulderpads and the asthma attacks.
Tamwar goes to see Dot - because Masood thinks... this will cheer her up AND make him feel more important. He's underestimated Tamwar's own deep self-loathing, clearly. Also, mention of the council upsets Dot.
Going to see Tiff's concert is apparently almost equal to finding the wayward Liam... heart breaking... or it would be if anyone gave a damn. Sorry, Crayon Crew but no one cares about Tiff's concert and you've given us no reason TO care.
Oh and Jean finds Shirley... alive and well. How disappointing.
Lauren and Abi aren't interested in hearing their mother talk about her and Phil...
Bianca is moaning about what a terrible mother she is... you really are, Bianca. You really, truly are.
Billy Idiot - thanks to the intervention of Dexter Fletcher - has fixed Ava's car but clearly is about as keen on the feckless idiot courting his mother as most people would be on a serious bout of ebola.
Liam is still missing. It's just so hard to care... ditto Shirley. Ditto Dot. Ditto Sharon's engagement do. Pretty much everything in this episode. Anyway, something gets dropped through the letter box and this prompts Bianca to stop carping and run out the door screeching "LIAM!" That's a good way to make sure he remembers why he's staying away.
And then to show Jack really WAS seriously brain damaged by that bullet to the head, he describes Sharon (and her now invisible, inaudible and intangible Kinder freak) as "the best thing that ever 'appened" to him. If nothing else, you have to envy his optimism... and then Tanya says she's gonna tell him all about the kiss if she thinks she isn't serious about the wooden headed idiot. DUN DUN DUN!
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