Tuesday 5th March 2013

Lola's tiny chav brain is clearly overwhelmed with emotion as she stands screeching and crying at King Phil. Strangely enough, it takes Sharon's hair to actually speak to her at more than a hushed whisper both Billy Idiot and her brief just stare into the middle distance as the judge tells her to simmer down and only when the judge threatens to have her hauled off kicking and screaming does Lola sit down and guess what? Screaming  the odds in court doesn't go down well with judges. King Phil twirls his moustache as Lola strops out of the court.

SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL comes out of the courtroom asking King Phil about the allegations he's made out of the blue. Strange, you'd think a good time to mention that you hadn't heard anything about them might have been IN THE HEARING and of course, the scumbag lawyer is oozing his way out on a trail of oil while congratulating himself, Billy Idiot tries to threaten King Phil and is immediately rebuffed. Sharon's hair doesn't understand what is going on because she's thicker than two short planks and Jacknocchio turned up for some reason.

Back in the Square, Patrick is apparently now Denise and Kim's top priority. Which is why they fired the carer and she's running out the door to let someone that shouldn't be allowed to run a bath look after a vulnerable adult. Oh and Patrick smashes a bowl of soup trying to get a spoon... are we supposed to be reading into this that Patrick was very impatient, very stupid or is suffering from the onset of some form of dementia? Actually, he was able to punch Denise clear across the room standing on one leg drunk, so a spoon should have been easy.

Lola - for no discernible reason... although, that could be added to most sentences describing motivation in Eastenders - seems to think that Sharon's hair was in on King Phil's betrayal. Fortunately, Lola is able to tell Sharon she's stupid... it seems Sharon has made peace with this. Oh and SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL seems ineffectively sorry. What a character arc she has gone through... joyless jobs worth, joyless tyrannical overbearing officious bureaucratic visitor of injustice and now joyless ineffectual cog in the system.

Dot is trying to ignore away her financial problems... good luck, Dot!

Unfortunately, the "shocking" (in much the same way as one might be shocked that something knocked off a table progresses downward) revelation that King Phil was just trying to re-enact Ronnie's baby thieving antics in slow motion has got Sharon's hair in an all out asthma attack and what with it being Lola who is the aggrieved party here, it's understandable how Sharon's hair is all just "me, me, me". Somebody call this woman a wahmbulance.

Never before in the history of humanity has a mother being unjustly separated from her own child been a cause of such petty complaining by someone who barely knows them. If you SOMEHOW managed to not hate, loathe and actively despise Sharon and think that the prospect of an eternity being tortured in some manner of afterlife seemed too lenient a punishment for her truly sickening character, this is a good opportunity for you to reconsider.

So Jacknocchio apologises unreservedly. OK, he was in the wrong for hiding her passport but other than that Sharon has been repeatedly unreasonable and Jack has been outclassing Saint Alfie in terms of unimaginable patience in the face of overwhelming idiocy and insufferability.

Lola's spirit is broken and so, she bawls her eyes out going on about how being in care is in their blood... you'd think that would have been a point at which she might mention her own father... guess not. The only thing Billy Idiot can say is that SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL said she did a good job in court... yes, screaming the odds and crying your eyes out - that REALLY won the judge over.

Dot seems to have had one of her funny turns. For some reason she's calling cold meat "cold cuts", which is an Americanism if ever there was one and probably one the likes of which Dot wouldn't even be aware of. Then she starts blathering on about how her "cold cuts" have gone missing, prompting Arfffffffuuuuuur to suggest it's a poltergeist .. Which Pointless Poppy takes seriously, lest we had forgotten she's in the running for Walford's thickest. Fortunately, Dot tells Pointless Poppy not to be silly.

Sharon's hair goes round to console Lola but despite the fact she has decided to be her surrogate mother or some such, she can't go round and see King Phil because she and Jacknocchio need to smooth things over RIGHT NOW... even though he just told her she could sort things out with Lola. This means it's down to Billy Idiot to do it but Lola points out King Phil pays more attention to things he gets on his shoe that what Billy Idiot says...

Pointless Poppy and Arfffffffffffur seem to think that Dot is going mental, something she does little to dissuade them of when she comes in and says that she knows who the ham thief is. IT'S CORA! Yes, Cora not content with bringing down over a thousand pounds of rent arrears and a fraud investigation on Dot's head has now escalated her campaign to grand theft pork. Dot seems to clock the two youfffffffff think she is going bonkers though... it's not really fair that Poppy should be throwing stones, given the glass house her excuse for an intellect resides within but perhaps this is just the Crayon Crew reflecting the truth of the Dunning-Kruger effect. No, just kidding, the Crayon Crew's writings are clearly a demonstration of it though.

So, Billy Idiot and King Phil have their... pathetic confrontation.

Sharon's hair is being insufferable again. She seems angry that Jacknocchio was entirely justified in everything he said about Phil and then takes him to task for trying to apologise. Oh and she think this relationship is a partnership... just one where Jacknocchio has to agree with absolutely everything you do, regardless of how stupid it is (and it is all VERY stupid) and basically just be an enabler who can never offer even a contradictory opinion. Again, Hell would be too mild a punishment for this character.

Jacknocchio is prodded into talking about Ronnie... it's shocking he even remembers her, really... and then perhaps the most bald faced lie ever told - he says that Sharon's hair is just as good looking as Ronnie. Wow, it's a miracle Jacknocchio's nose doesn't shoot across the  room and impale Sharon to the wall given the size of that porkie.

Ian has smuggled some rum to Patrick but this is just a ruse to get the dirt on Denise.

King Phil is surprised Billy Idiot is still in his house but the only card Billy Idiot has to play is the sob story... which really means that he's just banking on Phil having one of his characteristic sudden changes of heart. A risky strategy as even if he does, he probably won't stick with it.

Sharon's hair makes the mistake of comparing Jacknocchio to King Phil (she actually goes so far as saying they both have their own kingdoms and are ready to go to war...  seriously, first Max and now Sharon... what's up with this? Real people don't talk like this!) and then finally, FINALLY Jacknocchio locates (or spontaneously grows) a vertebrae of some description and tells Sharon to stop playing the victim. HALLELUJAH!

He then essentially tells her, she's a slag... which leads him to slap him and then they kiss and things look as if they're about to get serious. Time for the ol' brain bleach.

Dot is doing some CSI Walford by accounting for all her crockery... or possibly trying to bore Pointless Poppy and Arffffffffffffffur to death  as punishment for thinking her a loon and after having proven she has the history of every single item in her kitchen memorised, she heads off to confront Cora. It feels as if they missed an opportunity for Dot to say "When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains - however improbable must be the truth."

Kim calls Denise JUST to tell her that she thinks Ian isn't so bad... while Patrick cottons on to the fact that Ian likes Denise and insists that he call her... which Ian will do, after he's had some more rum. Just as well he doesn't have a son with a new face or a stall to run, eh?

Jacknocchio and Sharon post-coital. This is probably how Sam Neill felt in Event Horizon and if you haven't seen that film, it's a good sci-fi horror including a pre-Matrix Laurence Fishburne. Also Sean Pertwee.

Lola breaks into King Phil's house - oh, wait... the door is unlocked because y'know, Walford is a crime free paradise. Then she sneaks in to listen to the ongoing Billy Idiot/King Phil discussion. Bad news for Lola though, despite his best efforts at being pathetic - King Phil seems adamant (for now) that Lexi is staying with him and then we doof doof doof with them finding the front door open. Perhaps Lola has absconded with Lexi? Who cares?