Monday 4th March 2013

Lola is hugging a stuffed toy and tucking it in as Billy Idiot shouts up the stairs. OK, she's emotional because of the hearing and there's no problem with her crying or maybe regressing sufficiently to hold a toy (especially if it was Lexi's, although the fact it's not partially digested suggests that isn't the case) but TUCKING IT IN?! Keep that up Lola and they might just haul you away.

King Phil apparently has a different brief and has Sharon eating out of his hand. No change there then... and as usual, she misses the grimace as she mentions the prospect of Lexi returning to Lola... but then, when Sharon jumps it's a miracle she manages to hit the Earth on her way down.

THE B&B HAS GUESTS! HOLY MOLY! Guests that are having breakfast!  Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? Denise is a little uneasy around Patrick, what with him having punched her in the face the other day.

Lola is unimpressed by Billy Idiot's breakfast... as it appears to be ash on toast - that's hardly surprising. He then goes on to assure her about the outcome of the hearing, telling her with "all she has achieved" that this is pretty much a foregone conclusion... that's like saying you've got a sweetheart back home and when you get back you're going to settle down, have some kids and buy a farm... which, if you're wondering is where the expression "buying the farm" comes from, as a euphemism for death. You probably weren't wondering but you never know when general knowledge might save your life.

Kat wearing some kind of red cheetah patterned fur coat out of a fashion designer's darkest nightmares appears in Half-Day Alice's house and starts going on about Tommy (who she has packed off to playgroup) but there's rent that needs paying and Half-Day is still penniless... Was there nothing in Derek's will? Surely he must have had SOMETHING? And why is it presented as if the only thing for her to do is somehow eke out a wretched existence in Walford? What about her mother?

Lola is getting brief by SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL but everyone's favourite peroxide chavling just snaps and storms off. Billy Idiot doesn't even run after her.

Dot is fussing around when Pointless Poppy intrudes and then Arfffffffffffffffur joins in but he's brought a letter from... THE COUNCIL! It feels as though there should have been some thunder when Dot saw it.

Half-Day Alice is asking Count Moonula (despite him having given her a watch and explained his cash flow problems) for money and he just tells her to go up and raid Janine's jewellery and sell it off... Which makes you wonder why - if he is so unattached to it all and so hard up for money - this isn't something HE has undertaken. Oh, right - that would require the Crayon Crew to write characters and not just empty vessels for the plot.

Max remarks upon the unfortunate nature of Patrick's situation to Denise but seems decidedly unforthcoming as regards offers of his supernatural healing abilities to cure the lame (as he did with Jack), perhaps he was going to but Tanya and Jacknocchio interrupted?

SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL tells Billy Idiot that Lola's temper is her biggest hurdle... more like a brick wall if she blows up when people are just explaining what's going to happen in the hearing. It's so bad that Lola has gone to Pointless Poppy for solace... wow, that's a real low.

Arffffffffffur realises something is wrong with Dot and puts the kettle on. Magda tells Patrick things aren't easy for older gentlemen. Yawn.

King Phil greets his new brief with a harumph and then tells him they need a talk. OHOH! Could it be that King Phil is planning to stitch Lola up? It would be a real surprise if he didn't.

Lola receives ANOTHER motivational speech from Billy Idiot... two in one day? That's enough to break anyone's morale.

Max walks in on Patrick raising his voice to Magda - apparently, the Crayon Crew seem to think that people specialising in care for the elderly treat old people exactly the same as children but we've got a court scene involving ZE SOCIAL, so while that's monumentally stupid and horrifically insulting to an entire profession there is almost certainly worse to come - and confesses to hitting Denise. Max suggests he apologise but Patrick notes that apologies don't change anything, as Max should well know. Denise and Kim are also concerned by the impasse.

False alarm. Arffffffffffffffur didn't realise anything was wrong and as soon as he's out the door, Dot hides the letter from the council in a drawer. That's the spirit. Those financial problems will disappear in absolutely no  time!

Count Moonula walks in on Half-Day Alice trying on his (ex?) wife's clothes and doesn't seem at all bothered, quite the contrary. Kat comes a knocking, asking for cash. She knows Count Moonula doesn't have a bank account somehow... was that a joke? The writing is at times so monumentally stupid, it's really hard to know but then Half-Day comes sailing down the stairs and assures Kat that she has just been overspending.

Having seen King Phil's brief give the "are you sure you want to do this sneaky and underhand thing" bit, Lola turns up (at the last minute) and it's into the hearing. The idiocy begins quickly, as they're implying that Lola wasn't a good mother as she has made "great progress"... you took her child into custody because Billy Idiot was drunk and she was getting collared, when did her ability to look after Lexi come into the equation?

Jack and Tanya have been paling around all episode and she has got him doing odd jobs. To the shock of everyone, Ronnie is mentioned but even more shocking than a character's backstory coming up (although, the memory of his baby stealing ex-wife and dead son makes less impact on Jackncocchio than hearing his daily horoscope) is that Tanya says Sharon isn't stupid. Yes, she is, Tanya. Unless your contention is that the word stupid is insufficient to describe the mind boggling dearth of intellect Sharon possesses, you're wrong.

Patrick and Denise make up. Who cares?

Lola does her impassioned speech about how she loves Lexi and wants to be the best "muvva" she can be but at this point, King Phil dons his moustache, cape and top hat and begins twirling his facial hair at high speed as his brief begins to list a series of trivial infractions, which leads to a "WHY PHIL?!" because it's not as if this was obvious from the get go or anything!