Friday 1st March 2013

Jacknocchio - determined to prove he's more stupid than the wood he was carved from - is trying to reason with Sharon's hair and to prove that this is like trying to boil an ocean with a zippo lighter, she immediately tells him that it's all in his head... because obviously the best way to keep a manager is to needless give them the largest share in your business you can! Pretty standard practice, really.

Patrick is struggling to get up the stairs to have a shave... so, this is a B&B and they don't even have a basin on the ground floor? That seems stupid. Anyway, Magda to the rescue!

Abi makes the mistake of talking to Lola about her first time with Jay but this is broken up by the return of King Phil. Who is none too happy about Lola spending time with her own daughter - totally understandable, really. So the first thing he does is tell both of them to gerrr ourrr!

Further attempts to penetrate the seemingly impervious monstrous mess of Sharon's hair in the vain hope that beneath lies even a primitive central nervous system... this particular endeavour is undertaken by Tanya who brings up the fact she's getting nineteen percent of the club, is now moving into his house and that this is all from the man who proposed marriage to her... but that's water off a duck's back to the unmovable idiocy of Sharon's hair.

Oh and just to make her character even more despicable she makes it clear that she's doing this not JUST out of stupidity but also avarice because she only has the clothes she's wearing... perhaps you should have thought about that before you decided to leave your last husband at the altar? Oh and despite ALL this, she STILL thinks that she and Jack can work. Idiocy doesn't seem like a big enough word. Then she's running off to tend to King Phil like the burk she is.

Who should walk into the minute-mart having undergone one of the strange headswaps that adolescent undergo several times but Bobby Beale! Who wants candles for a birthday cake... because it's his father's birthday and as it's Denise and he and she are having an insipid and improbable romance subplot... love could well be in the air.

It seems that Dot has been smoking due to the stress and she also accuses Cora of stealing an ashtray... wouldn't it be better to make the more legitimate accusation that she is over a grand in arrears because of her? Although, the whole arrangement seems baffling but that's Eastenders finances in a word. Baffling.

The skeletal Lucy has made (although, this is painfully obviously one of the small cakes you get from a supermarket) the world's tiniest cake that barely looks like it would satisfy a fat person, let alone be sufficient for a birthday party involving more than two people... and let's face it, Lucy could use some cake.

Ian takes special note of the fact that Denise gave nu-Bobby the candles for free, in much the same way a detective would begin to ponder a fact that poked a hole in the alibi of a suspect. This apparently makes him realise they should celebrate his birthday (with a microscopic cake) at the Vic. Prompting Skeletor to ask who he'd invite... which in the isolated conclaves of Walford makes sense. Also, Skeletor clocks that he wants to romance Denise.

King Phil seems very concerned that the first thing a baby will do with a pen is jab it up its nose, directly into the brain. This is Walford, Phil - who'd even notice? Hell, if anything that seems like the kind of medical procedure that is carried out on most people on the Square  these days anyway but King Phil does not like to be trifled with and Sharon's Hair is on the receiving end of his rage, sling and all.

Patrick is frustrated by his isolation. If only he lived on a Square of people that NEVER go to work, eh?

In the caffffffffffff Masood is vexed (again) by his work and then gets a deadline from Geordie Racer, if he's not at the tube station at five - then it was not meant to be... and Dot and Ian have a depressingly clichéd talk about getting older.

Sharon's hair gives Lola a peptalk, which King Phil breaks up and obviously, Sharon is happy to stand up for Lola. There's no reason she should stand up for a man she's getting married to though. She even calls King Phil a pig and meekly accepts his assurances there will be no strings to her getting a share in the club... because he promised and King Phil, he'd never break a promise. The fact this woman can breathe is a miracle.

Masood is going to pack. He remembers he has four kids and goes on to list why he should leave Walford... really by using that kind of logic - everyone should be on the first bus out!

Sharon's hair seems breathily impressed by getting King Phil to pinky swear. Jacknocchio... well, he's just himself, alright? That's about all he ever really is. He's not quite an ambient sausage roll like Joey but you can tell they're pretty much descended from the same tree. Probably a birch. Apparently Jacknocchio's masterful plan to sabotage this deal with King Phil is to steal Sharon's passport... something so obvious even her pea brain cries foul almost immediately.

Poor Tamwar is getting abuse for being a market inspector. You'd think an opportunity to put distance between his constantly whining, constipated gangly mess of awkwardness that is a son would just be another pro on the list for Masood.

Dot is curled up by the phone, so she can... ignore the phone? But it was Ian, asking if you wanted a micron of birthday cake!

Ian gets probably the warmest reception in the Vic ever... what happened to a man who enjoyed a reception generally reserved for sexually transmitted diseases?! Denise even bought him a card! Then she blames Kim for not going to see Patrick... oh, if only YOU were close at hand to go and help him. Oh, right. YOU WERE.

Masood tells Geordie Racer that he'd rather stay with his son in the living hell of Walford than just leave and start a new life with her... she's not too pleased.

Denise and Kim return to find Patrick drunk and walking around and when trying to... uh, do... something? The drunken Patrick manages to knock her CLEAN ACROSS THE ROOM and yet somehow, remain totally upright despite having the use of only one leg AND being drunk. TAKE THAT SIR NEWTONIAN MOTION! Oh and Denise has got jam all over her face. Clumsy.

Jacknocchio admits to hiding Sharon's passport... oh, come on Jack! Apparently now Sharon signing the contract is her signing away them... the logical reaction would be to get her to sign that contract yesterday then!