Thursday 28th February 2013

In what can only be described as a shocking incident of competence the episode starts out with Jack in a cell... When did Walford PD get this smart?! Then we see Phil in hospital and Sharon's hair (and Sharon but let's face it - she's an afterthought) is hurriedly getting ready as a baby cries.

Patrick being sufficiently injured to require spoon feeding seems surprised at the fact going to the caffffffff for a meal might involve what some might consider some degree of humiliation as Denise cuts up his fried breakfast - are you sure you didn't damage your brain too, Patrick?

Tamwar is being demanding of the skeletal Lucy but it turns out that she is being more abrasive than usual because of her biopsy results. Yes, remember that storyline? It's not as if these days you can get results in the post or just phone up and get them or anything like that. Even Denise asks about them... isn't it great when a storyline is forgotten for weeks and then just pops up suddenly?

For his sins Tamwar then has to walk in out and of his house, seeing Masood and Geordie Racer getting along... so much for her needing a chaperone but we've already established that the exact degree of strictness of the Masood family faith is directly correlated to the needs of the plot. So, if Masood ever needed to become an alcoholic homosexual bacon eating apostate for a few weeks - that's fine.

Max's analysis of the situation is that the houses of Branning and Mitchell are now at war! It seems amusing that Max is concerned, they could choke the Mitchell's rivers with their dead and there'd still be too many Brannings to count... But Jacknocchio thinks it's just between him and Phil. Which - when you think about it - seems a lot more logical. This isn't a political intrigue - it was Jack punching Phil in the face... dial it down a notch, Max.

Meanwhile, Phil - in a private room, you'll be happy to know - encounters a doctor from another planet. This being an age of medical wonders, there's only one thing a modern doctor can do and that's prescribe plenty of rest! It's not as if he'd explain to Phil what his injuries are, the prognosis, treatments or anything like that. He's a doctor not a... oh, wait. Oops.

Dot has made the mistake of paying attention to her money troubles. As such, they haven't gone away. Yes, remember this storyline about Dot being in arrears on her rent because of Cora... isn't it great when a storyline is forgotten for weeks and then just pops up suddenly? Woah! Deja vu. Anyway, Pointless Poppy decides to go along for moral support to the meeting Dota has.

Sharon's hair is packing up as Jacknocchio returns. She has an asthma attack or berates Jack - it's hard to tell - and then storms off to see Phil.

Then we have Denise moaning about how she doesn't want to look after Patrick but also saying she doesn't want to pass him off on some home help...

Shirley's cryostasis unit is apparently keyed to release her onto the Square at times of Phil related plot developments, as she appears to congratulate Jack on the felling on King Phil. Also, apparently being a wage slave at please-don't-sue-us-this-is-not-KFC pays pretty well because Shirley seems to have had an extreme makeover. She tells him that his mistake was not finishing Phil off.

Max arrives to tell him to make it up with Sharon because that's the best way to get King Phil to drop the charges but Jacknocchio points out that he's hardly likely to pass up a golden opportunity for him to get rid of him.

Denise's reservations about getting home help didn't last long as she's ordering the help. RIGHT NOW! FOR TODAY! Wow, sounds like it's almost as easy as ordering a pizza!

Dot is in the belly of a beast as she faces off against a posh council official with a double barrelled name, Pointless Poppy having tagged along now seems appropriately pointless as she's not allowed in. So, as one might expect... Dot has been informed beforehand that this is going to be a formal interview that is part of an investigation into fraud. OH WAIT! This is the Crayon Crew we're dealing with so Dot is completely blind sided by this news because obviously if you want to show that local government is full of petty, spiteful job's worths whose only joy is in inflicting suffering on others - the last thing you want to do is let reality get in the way! The sheer idiocy of this scene is underpinned at a basic level, as they say that Dot could seek legal counsel before the interview starts - which would necessitate the cancellation of the interview...

Back in the caffffffffff, the skeletal Lucy is sobbing because her results MIGHT be bad but fortunately Denise is on-hand to offer support, thanks to the carers thirty minute delivery promise!

Dot goes on to outline the circumstances of her flat's usage and pleads ignorance of a necessity in informing the council of any change in circumstances. Oops. Ignorance of the law is no defence, Dot! For reasons that are entirely unclear - Dot seems to be very chipper by the end of the interview... perhaps she doesn't know what the word "fraud" means? She's so upbeat she's quoting proverbs but apparently she missed the part where this was a fraud investigation as when benefit fraud is mentioned but she's all upbeat with Pointless Poppy.

The awkward gangliness of Tamwar meet the Northern charms of Geordie Racer in  the cafffffffff. She wants to be friends but he's being rather churlish about it, although understandably so. Things don't go too well but then, that's to be expected when you make a move on a man five minutes after his partner of many years has been gone all of five minutes.

Jacknocchio turns up to apologise to King Phil and try to win back Sharon's hair but it seems that Sharon is going to be nursing the king back to health despite him saying that what he did, he did for her... and then we're left waiting to find out if Phil is going to press charges or not!

The carer arrives and she's apparently the most Polish person in the history of Poland. She places her enormous bag down on a note that had been sitting DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF PATRICK which he somehow didn't see and Magda is not imbued with sufficient English to explain why she is there and Patrick's initial reaction is immediate anger. What could be a better topic for hilarious miscommunications than the care of the elderly, eh?

King Phil doesn't want ZE SOCIAL to find out about this, so he wants to discharge himself from hospital  ASAP and tells the police it was an accident.

Aren't we all glad to find out that Lucy hasn't got cancer? Clearly, it was important that this storyline be brought to its thrilling ending. Perhaps if she ate a sandwich, she wouldn't mistake her ribs for lumps.

Denise returns to find Patrick being sweetness and light with Magda but he is not happy with her and only now does someone find the note - the note that sat directly in front of Patrick that he didn't see. He needs his eyes checked.

Shirley congratulates Jack on not being locked up but then cautions him that King Phil's machinations are not to be underestimated.

Dot can't bring herself to tell Pointless Poppy about her woes for some reason.

Masood and Geordie Racer meet up in  the Vic - pubs are the traditional gathering places of Muslims, you know - and Geordie Racer starts talking in one of the oldest dialects of soapese "If only we could be somewhere no one knew us". If only more people could talk exclusively in clichés.

Having forgotten that Sharon's hair volunteered to help look after King Phil AND that he effectively ended it last night in the Vic, Jacknocchio's poor wooden brain still can't seem to understand that Sharon's hair isn't receptive to "Phil is a manipulator" because of her monumental stupidity. Perhaps the most confusing aspect of this entire scenario is that Jack seems to WANT to stay with Sharon... that's grounds for him to be sectioned, surely?