Monday 25th February 2013

Half-Day Alice is glumly looking at a picture of the three headed BRANNING BEAST... surprising as most people would react far better to seeing it dead. She then turns up at Count Moonula's, after saying something nonsensical that even he just more or less ignores and says she's supposed to get paid. After getting paid, she goes to ask Max if he wants to go to breakfast... remarkably, he turns her down. He has a business to run, after all... wait, when did THAT ever matter?

Jack and the Kinder Egg abomination are in cahoots as they prepare breakfast for Sharon... for some reason, they were asleep on the sofa? And what could spoil the mood of this romantic gesture but a phonecall from KING PHIL! For once actually showing some sense though, Sharon doesn't answer. Will miracles never cease?!

Geordie Racer has moved in at the B&B and is apparently now best mates with Kirstie THE LIPS, whilst they watch Max incompetently try and put up a iron board. He then manages to vex her by mentioning he's home sick and not calling her fammmmmmleeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Masood is debating the pros and cons of going out with Geordie Racer. Pro - she's young and attractive. Con - it would alienate Tamwar. Seems pretty easy... AJ even says as much! But elsewhere, Geordie Racer is asking Carol if Masood likes musicals... which makes you wonder whether she has much experience with any human males...

Jacknocchio is going on about King Phil's constant harassment of Sharon and remarkably again she seems to agree with him. To the point where she even agrees to think about another job. Will sanity prevail? No, it won't because apparently King Phil isn't even in a mood to help Lola get to court, to the point where Dexter Fletcher risks incurring the wrath of the King to come up with a scheme to convey her to the court... because it's not as if inner city London has a well established network of public transport which a young person would be familiar with.

Denise is holding Half-Day Alice for trying to use a counterfeit note that Count Moonula gave her earlier... something monstrously stupid of him, really as she clearly knows what he did and Jacknocchio INSTANTLY concludes that it was from him... He's no King Phil! Also, it seems that Half-Day Alice is not happy about people not remembering something... her birthday? That people remember she exists when they're in the same room with her is amazing, to ask for them to remember things about her would be asking too much.

The Lips and Geordie Racer are now BFFs and apparently so are The Lips and Half-Day Alice, as when Half-Day tries to open the jar of herring she purchased if the caffffffff (because it's not as if her house is equidistant) and is reprimanded by the usually mute waitress, she storms off and The Lips chases after her.

This leads us to see Masood spying on Jacknocchio as he tries to batter down Count Moonula's door. Masood mentions that there's the possibility Michael isn't actually home but this little segue into logic doesn't put off our wooden friend.

Sharon meets King Phil in the pub where she asks him for a raise. King Phil is not amused but apparently this is great news for Sharon and she calls Jacknocchio up immediately to tell him.

The Lips finds Half-Day in the park but Half-Day isn't interested. Turns out the herring was for her father's birthday. She's very upset that no one remembers. Oh, well... boohoo. Stop living in the past, Alice. You barely knew the man and by all accounts, he was a thuggish criminal whose death has brightened the world.

Jacknocchio is hot on the heels of Count Moonula and catches up with him just as he's talking to King Phil and as the two are now enemies, they both take umbrage at the mere proximity of other - prompting Jacknocchio to ask about Sharon's resignation... oops, you may have jumped the gun there, Jack!

BFFs The Lips and Half-Day go to the cafffff, where they discuss Derek's birthday ritual involving herring. Apparently despite being directly responsible for getting her to have an abortion and spending the better part of a year lying to her, she was OK with Derek... uh, why? It's one thing to support someone but come on! Also, they're going to have a posthumous birthday party!

Turns out Count Moonula was forced to pay with the counterfeit money because he is hard up... Alice then goes inside to try and eat her pickled herring, after being revolted by them, Joey appears to consume them like a gannet. This makes Alice giggle like an idiot, this reminds her of her father... despite the fact she had earlier said she'd never seen him on his birthday but this makes everything all right.

Denise and Carol are bad mouthing Geordie Racer when Tamwar mopes in and because the subject of his mother's sudden and unexpected departure is likely to be a difficult topic to broach, they immediately ask about it. Tamwar does the best thing he can by walking immediately out the shop.

AJ is telling Masood to enjoy himself and so, despite Tamwar being in a mood - he decides to go out on a date with her. Just as Denise walks by and she decides the best thing to do is be all sanctominous... although, this DOES make some sense for once as she and Zainab were friends and not the usual brand of instant BFF  that we seem to be getting now... but Masood doesn't care.

King Phil, clearly in the grips of Sharon related avarice has hurriedly put together a better contract for her, lest she should escape his grasp. Apparently by giving her a stake in the club... Sharon even points out that this kind of deal is clearly going to come with strings.

AJ is in the shop - as Denises's fifteen minute shift is over, someone else is there to hear his musings on black pudding in bean juice... Somehow Masood knows this and homes in on him. Masood goes all serious but he's just foolin' around and of course he's going to go on a date with a girl half his age when his wife's bed is still warm...

Jacknocchio and Max debate whether Count Moonula was responsible for the counterfeit notes - presumably so after months of not having been mentioned we can talk about it lots tonight and forget about it for several more weeks - before Sharon (and her hair) come huffing and puffing into the Vic. The Lips pops up to remind Max about Derek's birthday and generally express her displeasure toward him.

Sharon excitedly tells Jack about her nineteen percent share in the club which is "worth thousands"... and Jack does exactly what anyone who has had someone tell them plainly, to their face that they're going to steal their woman and concludes this is part of King Phil's evil scheme... to which the braindead Sharon seems totally oblivious... did they scoop her brains out to put that hair on her head? It seems like it because she storms off and tells Jack she'd better get used to Phil being part of her life!

Let us - for a moment - ignore the innumerable OTHER drawbacks of Sharon and focus purely on her behaviour in this relationship with Jack... where she is ostensibly at Phil's beck and call PERPETUALLY and will drop what she's doing at his slightest whimsy and when she's challenged about it, immediately throws a tantrum... This is a relationship that should be ending in murder, not matrimony!

Having not had his fill of door related violence earlier, Jacknocchio kicks in the door of the Arches (because he knew Phil was there by using his sophisticated echo location) and starts having it out with King Phil, who is waiting there, twirling his moustache. Jacknocchio does not take too well to the taunts and moustache twirling of his majesty and punches him in the face.

Quite in contrast to his usual nigh terminator-esque unstoppability, Phil goes down like a sack of potatoes and into the pit of the Arches... and he seems to have some jam coming out of his ears... Oh dear.