Thursday 14th February 2013

Bianca is escorting Liam home... he acts the big man by saying "OR WHAT?! YOU'LL LAY INTO ME AGAIN?!" Big talk now, Liam - you looked like you needed a change of underwear when she did it last night.

As if Liam becoming a pound shop "Kevin the teenager" isn't enough, it turns out to the surprise of no one that the dresses Bianca obtained at rock bottom prices were stolen. Naturally, she has another breakdown at the prospect of going to prison... Kat should realise this is a good time to take charge of the situation. Shockingly, Kat realises Bianca is hysterical and she tells her to let her handle it... it says so much about the writing that these moments are so few and far between.

Sharon is romanced by Jacknocchio in the club... gag. Saint Aflie is romancing Poxy and it's out on the Square so he can kiss her and Kat can see them, then he and Alfie can share an awkward look. Kirstie and Max are having a romantic Valentine's afternoon tea. Fortunately we're spared the grizzly details of any sexual trysts they might have. Just as well after seeing Sharon and Jack carrying on - otherwise that would be romance dead and buried. Abi & Jay are enjoying Valentine's Day by testing fireworks... inside. Isn't Abi supposed to be the clever one?

Abi then spitefully rejects a card from her father and asks him pointedly what her mother is doing. Looks like Abi is wearing her sassy trousers today! Despite saying Valentine's  is a joke, she seems only too happy to accept the gifts Jay then showers her with... he has a whole SACK of them. An actual sack full... and Abi giggles in near ecstasy as each new gift is produced... could the Crayon Crew be trying to make a comment on the fickle and shallow nature of women? You decide! But the answer is yes.

Especially as after this, Abi is ready for... THE SEX.

Patrick is in the hospital after his fall. Shockingly, it's a private room! Turns out (as Dot turns up), he'll need a carer but neither Denise or Kim are listed as next of kin... Dot and Patrick then go on to debate why they aren't... uh... because Patrick didn't put them down as next of kin? It makes you wonder whether the Crayon Crew have ever lived in the real world. Anyway, this all turns into an excuse for Patrick to shun Kim & Denise, lest he be a burden.

Dot then cheers Patrick up by talking about the hollow excuse for a life Jim has but before people start thinking about ending it all, Denise and Kim turn up. Patrick naturally doesn't mention the need for a carer and gets the nurse to call his long lost son.

All hands to the R&R... where there is apparently a stag party... what happened to the wedding thing? Wait... is THIS the wedding thing? Oh, let's not kid ourselves - the Crayon Crew doesn't know and we shouldn't care...

So, Saint Alfie and Poxy are at the R&R... because what could be more romantic for them than clubbing? Max CAN'T go to the R&R though because used car sales are mostly conducted at night. Mostly. Which leads to him standing up Kirstie. She's not  best pleased and so goes into the R&R for some happy fun times... immediately causing Poxy and Sharon to bond over their hatred of her... uh, why does Sharon hate her? And if Poxy doesn't like her, why did she hire her?

Bianca goes into some kind of fugue state when she sees Kirstie wearing one of the dodgy dresses and the next thing we know, Jacknocchio is having to intervene... because when you've been a purveyor of stolen merchandise the things you want to do are draw attention not just to the person wearing it but yourself and the fact you want them to give the dress back... because that's NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL! When Sharon comes to add her "What's going on here?" to Jacknocchio's, even Bianca realises in her hysterical state that this may not be a good thing to explain and backs off... shocking.

Saint Alfie has a chat with Kat about Tommy and Poxy immediately starts in on him... no change there then. She seems shocked that going to the club isn't romantic... I don't think even the most enthusiastic clubber would describe a club as a place of romance... and no one would describe THIS club as a place of romance.

Kat and Bianca decide to go home and are accosted by a gang of DA YOUFF. It's one of those well known multi-ethnic gangs seen... mostly on TV and it looks like Liam is up well past his bed time! Shocking but things get worse as Kat points to the police outside Bianca's door! They threaten to cart her off to the station but Kat takes the bullet for her.