Tuesday 19th March 2013

Tanya has remembered her son - who is now wearing glasses - and then demonstrating his attachment to his mother, he locks her out the house... why she hasn't got her keys with her... well, she's an idiot like all the other people in Walford. Fortunately for her, King Phil is doing his hundredth lap of the Square with Lexi and offers to watch the door... why it would need watching is not explained but love seems to be in the air between King Phil and Tanya... and it's sad when that is actually a more plausible romance than Ian and Denise or Sharon and ANYONE.

Operation "Lock-up Liam" enters its second day, with Bianca having slept next to Liam's door all night but it's only in the morning that Liam is shouting. Also, Misery Guts Carol doesn't seem too bothered about Bianca imprisoning her son.

Tanya gets keys from Max (and sees Kirstie fawning over him) and her ex-husband even points out the obvious - she's barely said a word to King Phil in all the time they've spent on the Square!

Ian's romance with Denise has made him want to follow his life long dream of opening a restaurant... Even though this is something he has never expressed an interest in before, despite having run several different catering businesses... clearly it's a brand new life long dream. Lucy seems to think that despite his total recovery (albeit with a radically different personality - but that's par for the course these days, even without a mental breakdown) he won't be able to do this.

Misery Guts Carol finally takes issue at operation "Lock-up Liam" and even mentions the fact Bianca should probably be, y'know AT WORK rather than playing jailer...

Tanya is holding onto Max's keys because it's "useful to have a spare"... oh, good grief. How stupid are you, woman? Are you trying to get in on Kat and Sharon's race to get women back to having all the rights of a piece of furniture? How petulant and just bottomlessly stupid is that sentence? First of all, have we forgotten that this is actually MAX'S HOUSE?! Secondly, why doesn't SHE have a spare of her own? This prompts her to lie about having a man - DUN DUN DUN!

Kat is not happy about the (thankfully) invisible Joey and Half-Day Alice making a mess and demands that (the mercifully invisible and inaudible) Moe kick them out, CUZ SHE'S FAMMMMMMLLLLEEEEE! She's forgotten that Moe is a friend to no one though. She and Bianca then congratulate one another on being mothers of the year.

Operation "Lock-up Liam" is not going very well because Liam has himself a tantrum.

The spontaneous romance between Phil and Tanya continues... could it be that Phil will inadvertently become the man that Tanya lied about having?!

Being a grown man, Ian lies to his daughter about going to see the financial advisor and lets her tell him what to do.

Kat's struggle to beat Sharon in setting women's rights back to the Stone Age as she tries the patience of even Saint Alfie by asking for him to fund a move out of her perfectly adequate (if occasionally messy) accommodation and in what will surely be seen as one of Saint Alfie's many miracles - he actually points out that Kat's front is not particularly attractive when you're on the outside looking in. Water into wine has nothing on that!

Despite Lucy's reservations, Ian meets the financial consultant in (where else?) the caffffffffffff but oops - he lets slip about his mental illness... which is a bad thing because mental illness in Eastenders is treated with about as much compassion and rationality as lepers were treated in the Bronze Age... and so, he's rejected because it's totally legal to discriminate against people like that!

Bianca and Liam have a conversation which boils down to his gang getting him and the only person that is bullying him is her. DUN DUN DUN! For a brief moment, it looks as if there will be a tearful reunion but this is Eastenders - so Liam throws it all back in her face and tells her she's the reason he's a wrongun, which prompts her to slap him and lock him back in his room. So... as he knocked over his meal, he probably hasn't had anything to drink for at LEAST twenty four hours... Nor has he had access to a toilet. This is making Phil's cold turkey in the sitting room of the Vic seem plausible.

Speaking of King Phil, despite not cooking the meal - dohoho - things between the slightly pretentious Tanya and the sociopathic criminal overlord and alcoholic crack head went rather well and it would appear that Sharon's hair - out a wandering - sees them having an awkward moment which looks like a kiss and she looks shocked... although, Sharon's facial expressions are impossible to read because of the thick make-up she wears... DOOF DOOF DOOF!