Friday 29th March 2013

Liam is in the police station.

Ava gets a threat in the mail. DUN DUN DUN!

Bianca tells Liam she grassed him up and the interview begins!

Dexter Fletcher is fretting over his mother but she insists she doesn't need a bodyguard.

The Walford PD try to interview Liam but they've got Bianca shouting the odds BECAUSE SHOUTING EQUALS DRAMA! Thankfully, Liam wants someone that isn't the gingah whingah.

Lest that doesn't set your pulse racing, it's back to THE CAKE WARS! More heart pounding action than anyone can handle as Ian tells Denise his plans.

The police try to get some answers out of Liam but he ain't a snitch, guvnah!

DA YOUFFFFFFFF apparently all got bailed without charge and so Liam runs off to kiss and make-up with Kane. Aww, young love!

The car crash of Ava and Billy Idiot continues. Yawn.

Bianca needs to get to the estate - how far away is this estate? Oh, right - as far away as the plot needs it to be. This seems fairly ridiculous as Liam is there in a trice, IMMEDIATELY meeting up with DA YOUFF. Goodness, it's like trying to find a needless in a haystack... except the needle is made of a ferrous material and you've got a GIGANTIC ELECTROMAGNET.

Sharon - insufferable person she is - has decided as the world revolves around her, that the most reasonable thing to do due to her busy day (scoff!) is to move the cake tasting FORWARD... Oh, that's not asinine at all! This flusters Ian and he has to rush off to get icing sugar... but Jean gets the last box, she even suggests he go to a supermarket. That's really where you should do all your shopping to be fair.

Ian then launches into a speech about how Jean should understand him going nanners because she's the village mad woman. He seems extremely contrite... which runs in direct contrast to how he was last night when one could be forgiven for thinking he'd regressed to the Ian Beale of yore.

Billy Idiot tells his sob story to Ava but is interrupted by the arrival of Dexter Fletcher, who updates his mother on Liam's incredible teleportation to the estate where he was able to almost INSTANTLY be found by the gang, who were then instantly found by him... a lot of coincidences, eh? Billy Idiot then offers his help and Dexter Fletcher gives him a look akin to something you'd scrape off your shoe... which is really a look he should get every waking moment.

Bianca is now on the estate and trying to call the bluff of Kane's mad dog father... before we see if he'd break her arm, Misery Guts Carol appears to call her away.

Liam and the gang are now in a playground as Kane appears, looking none too happy. They try to generate tension but utterly fail, even as they all circle around them and Bianca runs down stairs... wow, even when Liam gets stabbed it's pretty dull.

To add to the dull - Denise is getting stood up by Ian due to CAKE WARS!

The Butcher boy is now in the hospital and blames Bianca for his predicament... eh, with the ginger whinger as your mother you're pretty much playing Russian roulette with only one chamber empty.

As the Cake Wars drag on, Sharon likes Ian's cake but he's suspicious that Jean has thrown the contest.

Bianca decides to vent her frustration on a vending machine and then a security guard. If there's a problem she can't make worse by shouting at it, she hasn't found it! Fortunately, Ava intercedes.

The Cake Wars are finally over and Ian gracefully invites Jean to help him with the buffet.

Sadly, Liam is going to be fine... and Misery Guts Carol says the most ridiculous thing ever... the police can protect Liam 24/7, or at least that's the direct implication of her words. Uh, no. No they can't. The real police couldn't do that and the Walford police is orders of magnitude more inept.

Denise being well aware of Ian's mental health concerns decides the best way to react to him being late for their lunch date is to shove cake in his face... Young at heart? Are all the women trying their best to act like petulant children? All it takes is a grovelling apology and bribery for him to win his heart back into her affections... after all, it's not as if that was a colossal over-reaction or anything! It really does seem as if the Crayon Crew will not rest until women are chained to the stove and can no longer vote.

Bianca does some crying - because crying also equals drama - and then one of Walford's finest shows up to tell her getting stabbed will change Liam's mind.

Ava returns home to find her place has been trashed. Dexter Fletcher is OK but he says they need to leave the ghetto.

Finally we have Bianca telling Liam he started this and he needs to end it and then she walks out to have a cry because crying is dramatic! You know, for an episode where someone was stabbed this really would have had to work hard to be more tedious and lacklustre.