Thursday 14th March 2013

The fuzz leave Bianca, disappointed Liam wasn't there to interrogate... Goodness, it's almost as if turning up randomly at someone's house is a waste of time!

Thirsty Kirsty is having a go at Max for still talking to Tanya. After Max is done singing Tanya's praises, she tells him about Abi having sex (or playing connect four). As Max has as much emotional intelligence as his namesake, he immediately attempts to find Jay to ascertain whether this is true... So, Lauren having sex with her cousin is something he's fine with but Abi has sex with her long term boyfriend (who isn't a blood relative) and he's looking for blood? Oh, well that makes perfect sense.

Liam starts spinning his web of lies and it seems as if Bianca is going to let hope triumph over experience. Who cares? Let's just see him getting hauled off to jail after accidentally shooting an uncle, so this can be EVEN MORE like the storyline with Billie!

Max has worked himself up into a full on Scotch Egg rage and enters the house and starts screaming incoherently... actually, that's pretty much the majority of all Max's conversations. A series of guttural utterances that even primitive humanoids would think were backwards... but then, it seems fair to say that Homo Walfordus is proof that evolution is not an inexorable series of improvements and is often marred with many wrong steps and dead ends.

So, after getting shirty with Jacknocchio for no reason, Max finds Jay and threatens to beat him but Jay plays the old "Go on then!" which is essentially the equivalent of saying "this sentence is a lie" to a computer. Max - for about the millionth time - tells Jay if he hurts her, he'll kill him... he might as well greet Jay with that, given how often he's said it.

Kat rolls into the Vic to have a chat with Alfie but he won't say what it's about because Poxy is lurking.

Bianca has the suddenly naive Misery Guts Carol defending Liam - after all, it's not as if he's had a radical personality alteration and started hanging out with DA YOUFFFFFF GANG! Then Bianca tells Carol she lied to the police... and Misery Guts Carol insists that this is all because Liam is being bullied... you keep using that word, Carol but you seem to have no idea what it means. In a moment of lucidity, Bianca points out that Liam has been lying as if it's going out of fashion... and leaves before Misery Guts can misuse the word "bullying" again.

Kirstie and Kat are now BFFs somehow - bonding over the fact Poxy is a vacuous blonde.

Max comes over to tell Tanya and Abi everything is sorted. They point out the only thing that needed sorted was his homicidal rage, which understandably makes him feel almost as stupid as he is. So then he unleashes a tirade on Jacknocchio for having the audacity to visit Tanya for dinner, even going so far as to escort him out the house and threaten fisticuffs.

Alfie finally tells Kat why he wanted to talk to her - which is because he wants to have a contact order for Tommy. Which, as most people would realise, is perhaps not the nicest way to formalise a relationship but is generally a necessary evil as people sometimes go bonkers. Kat takes umbrage at this because Saint Alfie must have a life fraught with insurmountable torment and struggle.

Bianca - despite having said she was going to get potatoes - is in the laundrette, gazing at the morbid poster. Kat walks in for some reason. Kat has the inside track on DA YOUFFFFFF GANG because the police always just give out details like that into ongoing investigations. Knowing this, Bianca goes bonkers and heads off to one of the infinite number of slum estates that surrounds the slum of Walford...

She then runs into Tamwar in the cafffffff and he didn't get his money belt back. OHOH! Clearly Liam learned to lie from his uncle Derek.

NO ONE WANTS TO KARAOKE! OH NO! Kirstie uses this opportunity to give Poxy some abuse - always a good idea to insult your employer who has already fired you and took you back for essentially no reason other than the fact people in Walford at least have to pretend to have jobs. So, it looks as if Jean might have to sing!

Kat stops round at Bianca's to inform Misery Guts and Twitney (who just reappeared after several weeks of absence) that the ginger whinger is going into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell! Sure enough, Bianca is stupid enough to go alone onto a council estate the police themselves described as "the wasteland". Lone single women at night are well known to be especially safe in economically deprived areas with gangs! Oh and despite the fact this nightmare estate is huge, naturally Bianca is able to find Liam having a bit of a scrap. Let's see Misery Guts explain that away as bullying.