Tuesday 16th July 2013

Ian is in a good mood after having stolen his businesses back from Evil Lucy - who is still in a mood.

Poxy and Alfie are talking about the speed dating - which amazingly didn't happen  the same day as it was decided and it seems that Alfie's decree absolute has arrived.

Just to make Ian's nastiness - because he has reverted to Old Ian - even more egregious, Lucy says thanks to him.

Kirstie is going speed dating - could she meet Carl there?!

Lucy seems to think that Ian selling up will solve everything  - dohohoho!

Dot isn't overly keen on the speed dating but Alfie makes it awkward by mentioning Kat.

It seems Denise - having been the main supporter of Ian opening the restaurant - isn't at all surprised or bothered about Ian deciding to pack it in after about a week...

Shirley, Bianca and Jean discuss the speed dating - oh lawdy, it doesn't get much more horrifying.

Ian is being churlish in the kitchen, which is sufficient to make his SNATCH a knife from Peter and get himself cut... when we find out there IS a first aid kit there... seems like it might have been a good idea to use that when you had your hand burned, rather than running across the Square like an eejit.

Poxy is filled with the joys of divorce because she thinks the Walford equivalent of Romeo and Juliet can be broken up by something as simple as repeated infidelity. They really do need to get to the part where they both die though.

New head Bobby reappears for a few brief seconds... Denise finally gets to thinking that selling up is a bad idea. She then tries to work some mind games on Evil Lucy but who cares?

To make the speed dating even less suitable for humans, it appears Kim is going too and both Shirley and Kim seem as giddy as schoolgirls... really?

AJ tries to lure Tamwar to the speed dating - except Tamwar seems to realise it's going to be the usual  gutter sluts that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Why is everyone so excited about it?

Oh, look! Jean's allotment pal is at the speed dating. Oh, lawks - this is painful... We have to see the attempts of the Crayon Crew to write comedy. Which are awful.

Ian apologises to Twitney, who turns up chewing gum with earrings so big and hoopy they could fit around her waist.

MORE SPEED DATING!

Evil Lucy makes Ian more guilty about his actions (quelle surprise) by saying they'll find another way to pay off Carl.

Speaking of Carl, in a twist no one could see coming - he's at the speed dating and talking to Kirstie! Oh and she strops off. Another shocking surprise.

And here we go, the coup d'etat - Lucy decides to give Ian the money!

The speed dating is over - thank expletive for that... but Jean and Mr. The Bill are getting along quite well. Oh wait, it's not... it was just a break.Will it never end? Here comes Dot!

Max pre-empts the typical Eastenders drama cycle of Kirstie and him having the same exact conversation over and over again... and apparently Kirstie has now said her piece... Unlikely.

Lucy finds out she doesn't have any money! Even though it's extremely unlikely the businesses could have been entirely transferred in this timeframe.

Shirley is drunk and something about wages or benefits... basically, an incoherent anti-government rant - as if she's owed a living. She asks where it all went wrong... it was never going right.

Lucy reveals to Ian she knows! DUN DUN DUN!

Awkward flirting between Alfie and Poxy and he doesn't come clean about the divorce.

Everyone seems shocked that the conniving, spineless weasel that is Ian Beale has stolen back his businesses... and to be fair, he has a point - those were his businesses and Lucy did steal them from him... she might be feigning good intentions now but it doesn't exactly ring true.