Thursday 18th July 2013

Alfie is still playing coy about the divorce to Poxy's chagrin.

Ian's diabolical plan seems to have backfired as the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and stall are both closed.

Kat seems shocked at the notion Jean could have a relationship.

Shirley starts picking a fight with Sharon... for some reason, despite not paying, Kim hasn't kicked her out... but then, she's an idiot.

Primo parent Max is unaware that his daughter has finished her exams and is also incapable of making her breakfast without making a big mess and having a bit of a tantrum.

Ian seems surprised his progeny aren't working after his underhanded tactics - something Denise informs him of - just as Carl indicates his desire for money, ever so politely.

Janine and Michael game playing! Can't they play Team Fortress 2? It would be more interesting.

It seems Denise has a plan to sort things out... which seems to involve getting Ian to change personality. Again.

Alfie makes his feelings for Kat clear when he offers to go and check out Jean's new love interest in Carl's stead... could the collapse of his relationship with Poxy BE anymore telegraphed?

Ian struggles on the stall and shows uncharacteristic spine by attempting to get King Phil to pay for an apple he takes... fortunately battle of the unattractive, obese middle aged men doesn't kick off as Denise drags him into the shop. Oh and he comes clean about the money he found. Needless to say, Denise is very skeptical about this very polite menacer - until Ian makes it clear not to get involved.

A little later, despite the advice - Denise asks Carl about how they can sort things out. For once, he's not quite so polite and shockingly, it seems that Denise has made things worse!

Alfie and The Bill's answer to Alan Titchmarsh talk and it turns out he's a divorcee and also thinks he and Kat are married. FORESHADOWING!

In case you're as stupid as the Crayon Crew, they have Ian say "you've made it worse!" when Denise fesses up to confronting Carl. The idea of telling the police is immediately dismissed (naturally) and then Denise suggests they come up with some idea to get rid of him... good grief, all you need to do is POISON HIM!

Awkward Alfie and Kat scene! Followed by some Kat and Alfie bonding with Tommy.

Denise goes to see Phil but he's being uninterested and uncaring... Fortunately, she knows that he has changes of heart more often than most people have heart beats. Also she appeals to his vanity.

Some inconsequential stuff between Peter and Lucy and Janine and Michael.

Phil's heart might be about to undergo a change when Jay gives Carl a thumbs up!

Kat and Alfie get to the inevitable - you'll never her like you love me part... let's not get too original with the dialogue!

Sharon and Shirley come to verbal blows again - Shirley describing the Kinder Egg abomination as a future Norman Bates, that might qualify as genuinely amusing... shame it's really more a commentary on the dismal level of writing, eh? - and it's down to Kim to decide who stays and who goes! DUN DUN DUN!

King Phil and Carl have a friendly chat in the Vic... Aww, it seems like Phil made a new friend!

Abi wants Max to go off and stay near Lauren... yes, go! GO! GO NOW!

Phil tells Ian that he should pay Carl back ASAP... no surprise there then.

Shirley leaves the B&B... how exactly was someone on a minimum wage affording life in a B&B anyway?

Oh, Alfie comes clean about the divorce being finalised - Poxy is still less than pleased.

Ohoh, Carl has come a politely menacing!

Max is leaving! Yes. Yes! YES! Fingers crossed for an off-screen death. Preferably of one of the hundreds of STIs he almost certainly has.

In a shocking turn of events - meaning one that isn't even slightly surprising - Carl decides ten grand isn't enough, it's fifteen now... he's onto a good thing, after all. JUST POISON HIM!

So, after having established that he clearly still has feelings for Kat what better thing for Alfie to do than... MARRY POXY! This can't possibly go wrong, says Alfie's sullen face as he hugs his likely-to-be-jilted-at-the-altar fiance.