Friday 26th July 2013

Twitney is reading her note from Tony when Bianca comes a knockin' to announce a party. DUN DUN DUN!

AJ and Tamwar have some "comedy" sparring as Arfffffffffffffffffffffur leaves the B&B, which apparently upsets Sharon's manakin... Sharon then goes on to moan about the rents... which are all over eight hundred and fifty a month... yet five hundred pounds will cover three times that long AND include all utilities AND breakfast? This surely gives credence to the fact the Crayon Crew are brain damaged or just don't give a damn or possibly don't experience reality as a normal human does or most likely - a combination of all of the above. Patrick suggests sending the freakish abomination to live with Ian and his big belly.

Twitney is pondering whether to go and see her paedophile step-father again... Tyler remains singularly unconcerned about this

What's the Sharon spawn upto?!

Ava upsets Twitney by asking her about her tween years and she runs off.

Evil Lucy is lounging around the house, trash talking her father.

Hijinks seem likely to ensue at The Arches as the yunguns get their hands on a slingshot...

Pointless Poppy has discovered the salon is being sold.

Janine - having said it's OK that Hollyoaks is a chancer - seems concerned that

Carl tries to thank Kirstie with money - classy! She isn't big on that.

Hollyoaks is trying to sell executive flats to Janine... wait, didn't they build executive flats that Bradley tried to sell a few years ago? Or did they just cease to exist? Janine then orders something not on the menu and Ian protests after which Hollyoaks remarks "You get what you want."

Twitney is in prison just after Tyler was asking after her and seems unhappy about Bianca's response... Bianca then making sure to tell Kat she isn't welcome at her party. Good to know they're still BFFs.

Ian makes a show of tearing up Janine's bill but makes sure to tell her she shouldn't push it - good grief, how inconsistent is this character. Sure people can have moods and be mercurial but it's usually not in the amount of spine they show and Ian typically only attempts to act dominant to people who he exercises some measure of power over... that's manifestly not the case with Janine regardless of the fact he knows she was once a whore.

Twitney is perhaps the first person in Eastenders history to not be able to show up at a prison and waltz in to see a prisoner... there is a first time for everything.

Oh, goodness. Dennis smashed a window, perhaps one could consider him... a MENACE! Sharon then remonstrates him and seems keen to assign blame to anyone that isn't her... this isn't particularly surprising given that Sharon bounces back and forth between totally indifference and utterly smothering because she's the most terrible person ever.

Pointless Poppy's dreams of a place of her own are ruined by AJ and Arfffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuur wanting to watch Top Gear... what was she thinking would happen if they moved into the Masood house?

Sharon being the worst human being on the planet, immediately takes the word of her son and then somehow decides that because Dexter Fletcher gave her son (in his account) the slingshot and because it was her fault he misfired and fired a window, it's Dexter who should pay the bill. Fortunately, Ava is there to tell her to get the hell out of there but it's not over, says the world's worst person.

Tango Twitney returns to the Square and Tyler has rumbled her but it seems likely he's dead because of the way things are being telegraphed. Now everyone knows about the letter from Tony because of Tyler's insistence - a great way to foster trust.

Ohoh, Janine is trying to befriend Evil Lucy!

Ready for a shock? Tony is dead. Oh, wait that was obvious as soon as she looked at Tyler... Yawn.