Monday 22nd July 2013

For reasons best known to himself, Ian is alone in the restaurant looking a bit of a mess when Peter calls.

Cut to the cafffff which is closed again and Jean being her usual fragile self and Ian appears to huff and haw at the cafffffffff not being open.

Turns out the situation with the cafffffffffffffffffffff is all down to Evil Lucy playing games - goodness, who could have foreseen her being spiteful?!

Awkward Michael and Janine scene!

It seems the mysterious mystery of Shirley's situation is over before it has begun as moments after Denise finds a letter to her that is something to do with the Jobseeker's Allowance, we discover her sleeping in the Arches... discovered by King Phil, no less and he is his normal charming self.

Kat seems to take the announcement of Alfie's imminent nuptials in her stride, while he behaves as if he's telling her someone just died... don't get too excited Alfie.

King Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart as he treats Shirley to breakfast, offers to let her have a shower and various other things... it's almost as if the man's motivations change faster than the weather!

Kirstie bemoans not finding out about Max's departure... good grief, woman - get some semblance of self-respect.

It turns out all of Jean's problems are down to not having a man in her life! At least Eastenders is consistent.

Shirley asks the ridiculous question of why Phil isn't at work - hahaha. Then she goes on to point out the blood of the Mitchell clan is all but spent. Then after some more backstory, she says that she and Phil weren't the best looking couple ever (ENTER: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!) and even more improbably, that she was the best thing to happen to Phil.

Jean goes on her date! It's awkward!

More awkwardness between Michael and Janine!

Ian is politely menaced by Carl but no sooner has that happened than Peter bursts in babbling about a dodgy curry and then Jay is telling him there's someone at the chippie talking about a deep fat frier... He then shuts the caffffffffffffff as he moans about not being able to rely on his family. Oh, no! It's almost as if stealing back the businesses had consequences!

Oh and how terribly original of casting Mr. The Bill as an ex-copper! He and Jean seem to be getting on alright.

Kirstie and Carl are doing their whole "remember the old times", before Kirstie hitting upon some secret from Carl's past. DUN DUN DUN!

It seems Jean is nervous after being reminded Mr. Bill was in the police but he puts the moves on her, resulting in a kiss.

It turns out that staying in central London at the peak of the holiday season at the B&B is super cheap as when Phil turns up to ask why Shirley was kicked out, he hands over five hundred pounds and this is sufficient to secure "two to three months". Denise also tells him that Shirley's benefits were cut... possibly the first instance of any meaningful impact of benefits reform? Anyway, Denise remarks upon the improbability of Phil being a good samaritan - stop pointing out the character inconsistencies!

Carl's secret is that his mother thinks he and Kirstie are still together.

Having had a moment of happiness, Jean is pulled back down to Earth when Evil Lucy offers exposition on Ian's actions since the restaurant was wrecked and this prompts Jean to head off to check on Ian but she's stopped by the bickering of the two shrill haradines, Kat and Bianca (who are no longer BFFs).

Shirley asks Phil for fifty pounds, when he gives her a tenner she says she'd rather go through the bins - well, make up your mind! Anyway, Denise comes around - it turns out that it was Shirley's housing benefit that was the problem and she pretends that it has all been sorted, allowing Shirley to tell Phil a truce will happen over her dead body.

Jean is standing outside the chippie when she hears a fire alarm from the restaurant, running in she finds Ian staring at a pot as if in a trance. She turns the gas off and drops it into the sink before pouring water over it (that's probably ruined the pot) and leading the bewildered Ian out... just one thing. He's in the kitchen... what kind of idiot fits a smoke alarm in a professional kitchen? Those things are heat sensitive, else they'd go off every five minutes. In fact, a second thing - why isn't the restaurant being deluged with water? Or does that only happen when the plot says so?

Kirstie tells Carl, she'll go and see his mum with him but just so they can tell her they've split up - WHAT A TWIST!

Michael and Janine in the Vic together, ohoh - who's that? It's Mr. Hollyoaks... good grief, when did Eastenders become so filled with the cast-offs from other soaps?

Ian rehashes to Jean pretty much exactly what Evil Lucy had said earlier but obviously adds a few extra emotional gut punches to it. As the icing on the cake, he tells Jean he doesn't deserve a friend like her and gives her a hug and this prompts the confession... Ian's explosive reaction to follow.