Ian emerges from the kitchen for but a moment before going back in - with some vaguely heard shouting. Realising Ian is an emotional cripple, Denise steps in to help. At this point, things seem to have turned nasty because everyone seems to be taking Ian's "I could kiss you" statement a bit too literally. Perhaps more perplexingly, instead of trying to assert that he was speaking figuratively - most likely because that would entail the kind of common sense that is anathema to Walfordian melodrama - we have Jean jumping to the conclusion that she was to be part of some love triangle because of Ian's sexual inadequacy, which leads to Ian being suitably scathing and telling Jean she's employed purely out of sympathy. Predictably, Jean walks out and Ian designates Twitney to hold the fort (she has taken to calling Ian a perv now, for some reason) but remarkably expresses her inability to do the job of a professional chef and... she's fired.
It seems that Sam is still pursuing Ava but she isn't biting.
Carl makes comment to Ian that the restaurant is empty - wait... wasn't he supposed to be fully booked? That was quick. Also... is Ian going to settle on a personality?
Jack seems a little skeptical about Michael's master plan to bring back Janine with reverse psychology - sufficiently so to put his money where his mouth is!
Having been out of her job for less than five minutes, Jean is now propping up the bar in the Vic while Twitney says Ian is a perv about twenty times. OK! We get it, jeez - enough with the ham fists people of Jewish and Islamic persuasions might not take kindly to their usage. Then Jean starts going on about horoscopes and despite having earlier mentioned her history of mental illness, no one seems to think this might be a symptom of her illness (and it could be, while Jean has bipolar disorder this is Eastenders and so in practice her symptoms could include everything from not being able to read properly to thinking she's George Washington) as she rambles on about horoscopes and destiny.
Oh, miracle of miracles - Jack has remembered he has kids! Amusingly, Michael says he has the right idea by being an absentee father.
Night has fallen - although, it's not really clear how much time has past since Jean's firing - and apparently Ian didn't even try and do a service... despite the fact he's been saying he was fully booked everyday... Anyway, he locks up and heads out when who should come stumbling in but Shirley, Jean and Bianca. For reasons of plot contrivance - Shirley insists that they not switch the lights on (lest half of Walford want their dinner, apparently) and instead uses one of those candle lighting things... Jean tells her that her horoscope warned about this, at which point Shirley tells her that back in the day they'd have burned her as a witch. WRONG! Witches were never burned in England, they were hanged - schoolboy error.
Just how long HAS passed? Sam and Ava are still in the Vic and he's JUST broached the topic of her standing him up and that was at lunch time. It's just past midsummer, so that must have been one hell of an awkward silence.
Shirley has lit enough candles to celebrate Tutankhamun's birthday... and there's still no real explanation of why there was the necessity to break and enter to retrieve Jean's handbag under cover of darkness... Couldn't she have waited until tomorrow? Oh right, that's logic - oops. There's some justification of their thievery from Ian and then the discussion of his frequenting a prostitute - namely Janine.
It seems Michael is finally willing to reveal that he wants Janine back on the Square to Billy Idiot of all people. Billy is being true to his name... but if he has been fired... why is he still in Janine's house, eh? It's not really surprising that Michael sees right through him.
Ian attempts to apologise to Denise - the scene could have done without Kim's comic relief... but then that's a more general comment about the character than anything.
It seems that Shirley and Bianca have found and lit every candle in the entire restaurant and then some - Jean warns of THE PROPHECY OF DOOM again, prompting Shirley to feign injury. Goodness, wouldn't it be ironic if the prophecy came to pass?!
Denise describes Ian pointing out that he didn't kiss Jean as "weaseling"... good grief, let's just put him on the sex offenders register and be done with it, shall we? Oh and then Denise says it's time for a break! Cue Ian's sob story about his trials and travails and doing what he did to win Denise over in the first place - being utterly pathetic... and hey, it works!
Shirley has now decided that Ian is responsible for Ben going off the rails, murdering 'ev and her whole life being generally awful... If you don't like living in the B&B - get a flat! Although this is wild conjecture and totally unsubstantiated by anything approaching a fact, both Bianca and Jean immediately decide Ian doesn't deserve his current success. One predictable accident later and the restaurant is ablaze!
Despite the extremely reasonable question being asked as to why Janine would want to return to Walford, she has indeed returned and Billy Idiot has got his job back for the umpteenth time because he recorded Michael saying he wanted her back on the Square.
Shirley and Bianca manage to put out the fire but someone just has to go and say "it doesn't look too bad"... as Jean says they have to tidy up, we find out that the sprinkler system and fire alarm seems to have a comedy timing delay... Also, somewhat bafflingly - the sprinkler system causes the electrics to short out... isn't that the kind of thing you generally want to avoid when you're building somewhere? Anyway, an inexplicably drunken Kim (given that we saw her stone cold sober not very long ago - but then it only took long forgotten Lauren about thirty seconds) staggers past as water cascades out the front door. Good grief! Did they have the sprinkler system set to Biblical? Needless to say, it's the kind of OTT stuff with absolutely no basis in reality as commonly understood that the show has been missing - unintentionally hilarious... Next up, will Ian have forgotten to get insurance or will he be trying insurance fraud?! If he doesn't get a pay-out though, it will be priceless given that the Vic got one almost immediately.
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