Friday 28th June 2013

Tanya explains to Abi she's going to take Lauren off into residential care that very night, without discussing it with Max or indeed Lauren.

Caveman Max has worked out that Kirstie isn't pregnant but instead of asking why she didn't see a doctor, just assumes she lost it... just as well his knowledge of human reproduction is on a par with his ability to speak cogent English but Kirstie has had enough of this elaborate deceit and comes clean. Guess what happens? SHOUTING! After the get over the first bout of shouting - Kirstie begs Max not to leave but he manhandles her and leaves.

Abi puts her foot down, saying that she isn't leaving just for the sake of her sister but then Max comes a knockin'. Abi is quite insistent that her mother tell Max about this but Tanya seems less than keen... for some reason Max is super keen to tell his ex that Kirstie isn't preggers because he's just gagging to get back with her. "Oh, she isn't pregnant - let's get back together!" the funny thing is that Max seems surprised she reacts adversely to this presumptuous proposition. Before she can rush him out the door though, Abi appears to make sure her father knows about Tanya's plan to leave under cover of night.

Tanya and Max, round two... so... this is basically a repeat of the Abi/Tanya discussion at the start but with more SHOUTING because shouting is ACTING! Also, since when did rehab require an entire family to relocate? Tanya hilariously accuses Max of culpability for Bradley's death - which is accurate to a degree and then we recount how awful the Branning family are... Max's repeated infidelity, the Christmas video nasty, the secret cancer flu... how about BURYING your husband alive? Anyway, if you've seen any of the innumerable tearful shouty scenes between Tanya and Max, you've seen this one... it's hard to care about the yo-yo love life of Max and Tanya... On and on it goes, when anyone will care - nobody knows.

Finally, mercifully the scene ends when a drunken Kirstie appears to beg Max to take her back again... being drunk REALLY helped your chances... after a little shouting, that's all done.

Lauren comes downstairs to ask why everyone has to shout - because shouting shows how DRAMATIC things are and how people are ACTING, of course! - which seems a stupid question in Walford... and the best way to get Lauren into rehab, a pack of lies! She doesn't seem to think there's anything strange about her family all standing around tearful for a trip off into the country at the drop of a hat?

Oh, wait - it seems even alcohol hasn't addled Lauren's mind that much. She's worked it out and she and the Caveman try for an emotional father/daughter scene... WITHOUT SHOUTING?!

All the inconsequential tearful farewells take place as the tedious episode and painful storyline draws mercifully for an end... of course, it has to be dragged out a little more by Max and Tanya saying they're the one true love, blah, blah, blah. The end. Thank goodness, this episode was so tedious it should come with a health warning... it's heart stopping - due to how boring it is.

Thursday 27th June 2013

Lauren returns to the Square as Kirstie takes a break from staring out the window to stare at a wrapped cot.

It also seems that Lauren's bed has been permanently relocated to the sofa as her parents dote on her. That doesn't stop Max and Tanya having an awkward conversation which ends up with Tanya giving her ex a big box of baby stuff. Tanya also remains quite firmly uninterested in Max's help. She then runs out, leaving Abi in charge - which even Abi questions but it seems that Tanya is more concerned about a call from rehab.

Kirstie is all anxious for some reason...

Tanya is seeing a financial adviser - presumably to get the money to put Lauren into rehab. DUN DUN DUN!

Kirstie bumps into Kat, who is asking if she is preggers at which point Kat runs off to get a test. Bianca seems to think that Carl is the best thing since sliced bread for some reason...

Abi and Lauren make-up for Lauren's misconduct the other day but this turns into a bit of a pity party and then Joey comes to visit... but Abi has the sense to keep him out but that doesn't stop Lauren spying him from out the window and she's out the door like a shot and then she starts walking very slowly across the Square in search of Joey... and it's one of those few times when she doesn't instinctively know where someone is.

Time for a bit of a blazing row with Evil Lucy in the caffffffffff and she also tells Carol to shut up about her dead son - well played. Having been out of hospital for all of two minutes and having decided that Evil Lucy wants to hook up with Joey - she needs a drink! So, she goes to the Vic and starts using her sonic shriek but it's not very effective.

Her parents then man-handle her out of the pub and back home. At which point Max and Tanya start shouting at each other and Lauren tells both of them to get out. Lauren asks the valid question of whether they can just talk but even that turns into a one-up contest. It's hard to say who looks worse.

Kirstie isn't at work in any serious way and goes home to do the pregnancy test that Kat was kind enough to thrust into her hands earlier but we don't know what the result was... and then she sees some manner of altercation between Carl and Max on the street after Carl had been ringing the doorbell.

Tanya presents the prospect of rehab to Lauren with some actual tact but Lauren seems quite adamant that she doesn't need help and also points out that it didn't work out too well last time.

It seems Carl has been telling porkie pies to Max and good ol' Caveman Max has swallowed them hook, line and sinker... shouting ensues! If shouting was exercise, Walford would be the healthiest place in the world. Max goes a little bonkers for the purposes of plot convenience, so that he can spill the contents of the bin onto the floor - the bin where Kirstie put the pregnancy test... Seriously, who empties a bin bag in a fit of rage in their own kitchen?

Tanya feeds her daughter some bland platitudes about how it will all be better. No it won't - this is Walford.

Kirstie acts in the most unspeakably suspicious way - the kind of way people only act in soaps - as regards the binbag, going so far as to try and pull it from Max's hands with no explanation and then managing to spill even MORE of its contents on the ground... and then very conspicuously picking up the pregnancy test and holding it in her hand.

Having clearly gotten a taste for grappling earlier, Max forcibly grabs her and all but hurls her to the ground where she drops the negative pregnancy test...

Tuesday 25th June 2013

After a brief illustration of why soap directors should never get fancy, Max puts his hand on Tanya's knee because they're in hospital waiting for Lauren and what better time to start sniping than when your daughter is sick?

For some reason, Alfie and AJ think Lauren being sick is a good subject for humour and then becomes a reason for a stupid subplot.

Kat stops by Kirstie's because Carl is apparently too stupid to use the letter box.

Lauren has hepatitis - caused by alcohol... and what's this?! SHE'S NOT IN A SINGLE ROOM?! Those cuts are starting to bite.

Dot feels the need to lecture but Cora is on hand to tell her to shut up. Which Dot ignores, causing Abi to run  off.

Anyone need a drink because here comes a big glass of water in the shape of Joey... yeah, your support now is really useful you big personality free waste of space.

What better way to juxtapose the serious, perhaps life threatening health  problems of Lauren than the comedy duo of Alfie and AJ doing some running? Oh, right - just about anything.

So... it turns out that having discovered she's an alcoholic maybe four or five times now, Tanya is back into denial... suggesting to the doctor that Lauren shouldn't be on this ward... yes, that's right - try and tell the doctor their job... after showing what a car crash of a family they are, the doctor suggests more politely than she has any reason to - that Lauren probably isn't going to get better living with her holocaustically bad parents... this causes Caveman Max to uggg uggg!

Apparently AJ is able to secure a couple of cans of beer just by going up to people... and stranger still, they start chanting his name. This certainly is a curiously mixed message as Abi watches.

Max and Tanya watch over the very yellow Lauren.

Abi decides to make the storyline with Alfie and AJ relevant as she decides to shout at them for having a single can of beer before 1pm... jeez, let's hope she never strays into the Vic or she'll go bonkers but her tirade is ended when she makes like her sister and runs off.

Joey and Peter have a shove fight in the cafffffffffffffffff, which spoils Alice's flowers - allowing her to lecture everyone... to be fair, Peter JUST turned up, Lucy is a malicious bitch and you're a klepto... Joey is the one that should feel bad.

Tanya - showing she doesn't understand the nature of addiction - asks Lauren why she drinks... but before any dramatic and forced revelations can occur, the doctor returns WITH THE TEST RESULTS! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Just to draw out the suspense a while, Max has Kirstie apologise to him. Yawn.

What a shock, Lauren has exactly what they said she'd have - alcoholic hepatitis. So, now alcohol is Lauren's kryptonite.

Abi goes emo and tells Jay what a terrible person she is, while the Alfie/AJ plot mercifully ends and Carl gets a phonecall. Who could that be? Kirstie, perchance?

The doctor - at Tanya's behest - recommends an expensive clinic far, far away from the streets of Walford.

Carl finds Kirstie in the caffffffffffffffff but it was just to tell him to stay away. PSYCHE!

And Jay asked Abi to the Arches so he could sing happy birthday to her with Lola and Dexter Fletcher... and that fixes everything!

Kirstie is preggers - because periods being a day late in soapland means preggers more certainly than any pregnancy test.

Tanya tells Max what we already know about Lauren's condition, where he shows a vastly exaggerated idea of their capabilities as parents... no wonder Tanya looks worried.

Monday 24th June 2013

It seems as if the Brannings are having a birthday for Abi... they're clearly not that worried about Lauren then. Although, apparently they're not having alcohol so they're not being completely idiotic... and Kirstie sneakily buys tampons in the shop... lucky for her one she went in when it was one of the mute shop assistants but as soon as she walks out, she sees Max! Ruhroh! Oh and he isn't too happy about Carl having turned up.

Oh and Lauren didn't return home last night but Max immediately decides it was down to Peter.

One scene of Tanya snubbing Joey later, Caveman Max seems to have evolved by a few thousand years as he's now fine with Peter sleeping with his daughter... make up your mind, man! Evil Lucy covers for Peter and says Lauren wasn't drinking and other such lies to placate Max.

In a shocking twist, Tamwar seems vaguely relevant to a plot as he finds Lauren's bag. DUN DUN DUN!

Time for a face off between Max and Carl! Oh, that was anticlimactic.

Alice seems to have taken umbrage at Carl lying to her and demands whether she appears gullible and then they're best friends by the time he regales her with the tale of how he and Derek came to know one another. Then Joey comes in to menace Carl but Carl uses the old "You remind me of him." Which is pretty much his one weakness.

Poxy is stressing about not having  immediately gotten preggers... jeez, it hasn't even been a month!

In a scene that is unintentionally comic, Max and Tamwar have a conversation in which it takes both of them more than a full minute to recognise one another... Dohohoh. This combined with Joey talking allows the dim duo of Tanya and Max to work out that Lauren was drinking and is missing.

Carl and Kat are now having lunch together... good grief, she's yo-yoing a lot!

Evil Lucy and Peter hide from the dim duo but eventually relent. Then it's all Peter's fault for some reason. If only Lauren had a family that cared about her, all of this could have been avoided but that's the beauty of Brannings - you're never short of 'em.

Max seems to be having mood swings because he goes from marching Lucy to the police station to "it'll all be fine in under a minute"... Careful Max, if you go much faster you'll get whiplash and watching this - or possibly the fact she's faking a pregnancy and her criminal ex has just reappeared - has driven her to drink. Which Max immediately smells on her - that would have been a good opportunity to come clean or at least lie and say you had a miscarriage.

Kirstie goes to the Vic to have Kat not just repeat the advice she has been giving her from the get go but out-and-out say that she's told Kirstie this plenty. Then Carl goes to have a little chat with her and gives her a creepy stalkeresque line...

Tanya is trying to cover up Lauren's drunken disappearance but that doesn't work. She really didn't need to bother telling Abi about it though because no sooner has she confessed she's ignorant as to the whereabouts of her daughter than a severely jaundiced Lauren appears... yes from alabaster white to jaundice yellow. At least Jacknocchio has the sense to suggest an ambulance but Lauren doesn't need that - SHE NEEDS A DRINK! Then she starts suffering  from the kind of vague and nebulous symptoms of most soap ailments.

Assuming this is alcohol withdrawal a number of questions need to be asked - first of all, how come she's having a serious adverse reaction NOW but didn't on the other occasions? While it is the case that attempted withdrawal can lead to an effect known as kindling wherein subsequent withdrawals become worse, there was no real indication the past few days when she hadn't been drinking were serious. More obviously - the symptoms Lauren is experiencing don't really bear any resemblance to actual alcohol withdrawal and most important of all... she seems barely capable of standing as she walks through the door... how did she manage to get home if she's apparently suffering periodic bouts of pain that render her unable to stand, let alone walk?

Friday 21st June 2013

Lauren tells her mother that Peter has asked her out, at which point Joey walks in.

Looks like Carl has washed up at the B&B.

Ian makes some very suspicious inquiries about Carl to Bianca but naturally, doesn't tell her anything.

Kat tells Michael she's not best pleased at him playing father after two years and she's going to tell Alfie!

Just as well Michael distracted Kat because Alfie and Poxy are getting down to baby making.

CAVEMAN MAX NO LIKE BEALE BOY! Jeez, give it a rest Max.

Carl comes back to talk to Bianca, who plays twenty questions but he obviously decides he'll get his story straight and they'll talk over coffee.

The sloping brow of caveman Max darkens the shop, where he happens to run into Peter and immediately tells her not to give Lauren a drink or... HE'LL COME AFTER 'IM!

Lauren - still looking like a member of the living dead - is ready for her date. What could go wrong?!

Peter asks Evil Lucy why she didn't mention Lauren's crippling alcoholism and Evil Lucy seems worryingly interested in this date happening - also while

Carl's web of lies begins to be spun, prompting her to spill the story of Ian's rags to riches... which seems to appeal to Carl.

Ian - being an invertebrate - tries to avoid Carl by getting Jean to handle the restaurant (apparently the kitchen AND front of house... why would he need to do that?) He doesn't think that the guy will be able to track him down?

Michael tells Alfie that he told Tommy about his true parentage... Alfie takes it pretty poorly, given that Tommy probably won't remember any of it.

The idiotic Kim tries to put the moves on Sam, oblivious to his indifference as he and Ava flirt by text.

Another sign of the apocalypse - Poxy talking sense, when she points out that Tommy was going to have to find out that Alfie wasn't his biological father at SOME point.

Lauren is getting a little antsy about her date but a quick team chat from her mother and then new head Peter is there. He seems blown away, despite her being so pale.

Turns out that Kirstie knows Carl! DUN DUN DUN!

Joey and Evil Lucy decide on a date because if an alcoholic like Lauren can go on a date, then so can they... and then two people walk into the chippy as Evil Lucy leaves it unattended... They'll be waiting a while.

Ian peers out from the kitchen and as soon as he opens the door, there's Carl... apparently carrying on the charade that Derek is coming to dinner with him. One has to wonder why Ian said he didn't know Derek... although, in fairness - he was clearly just making things up as he went along, so it's not a big deal.

The Alfie and Michael confrontation is hilarious. Michael seems to positively reveling in the villainous role.

Lauren and Peter do some flirting but guess who walks in? EVIL LUCY! Which immediately prompts Lauren to order some drinks... and Peter doesn't have a cross word to say.

The polite menacing of Carl continues as Ian does his best bad lying face. He wants Ian's blood!

Lauren the consummate alcoholic - is apparently drunk after one vodka lemonade. She immediately concludes that Peter knows about her drinking because of Lucy and then threatens to leave if he doesn't tell her... and then finds out that this whole thing happened at the behest of her parents to distract her from alcohol.

Alfie tells his babbling toddler (or should that be Michael's?) that Michael is his real father... Alfie seems more upset than Tommy. Quelle surprise.

Carl's polite menacing concludes when Ian admits to taking the money and Carl says that he'll be paying him five hundred pounds for the foreseeable future... Should have poisoned his food when you had the chance!

Lauren strops off from her date with Peter... oh, what a surprise!

Kat establishes from Kirstie that Carl is bad news... for some reason  Bianca feels the need to question Kirstie's judgement but that's silenced when she confesses to being engaged to him.

Alfie is still moping about telling Tommy.

Lauren turns up to the club drunk... with people she doesn't know...  who cares.

Sam and Ava sneak into the club but almost get caught by Kim... fortunately, they don't call her Dim Kim for nothing and Sam outwits her.

Carl sees Kirstie and Max and tells them he's "settling in". DUN DUN DUN!

And the cliffhanger is Lauren MAYBE getting into a taxi and dropping her bag. GRIPPING!

Thursday 20th June 2013

Bianca comes downstairs to find Morgan has reappeared to make the sink overflow.

Ian is being suspiciously nice to new head Peter... DUN DUN DUN!

Michael is getting ready to try and see his daughter and seems strangely polite to an enquiring Kat.

Ava and Sam have a run in at the cafffffffff... well, he walks in and she walks out, so they can discuss their torrid affair in the privacy of the outside but while Ava swoons at the notion of food from the caffffffff, the appearance of Dexter puts her right off.

The fasted plumber in the west has arrived minutes after the sink was blocked... and seriously, they'd calling a plumber for a blocked sink? Turns out Kat thinks the celerity of this plumber is a big turn on and she sets her skankiness to maximum. Oh and despite the genetic impossibility of it - it seems Morgan has inherited Ricky's brains. Unlucky.

Lauren - still looking like a corpse - seems a little uncomfortable as Kirstie dotes on her... really, it should be Kirstie that's uncomfortable given that by the look of her hair she was attacked by a flamboyant lion and she's wearing hula hoops on her ears.

Kat and Bianca discuss the Michael situation when someone comes a knocking - it's the plumber! THE REAL PLUMBER... Eastenders could really do with dramatic "DUN DUN DUN" sound effects, or possibly some kind of sting to indicate the horror but as it turns out this was just a friend of Derek, who was having a bit of a laugh... also, what a coincidence!

Dexter has to have his father's money (an advance for the car) forced on him... He's certainly stubborn.

Dexter's old acquaintance regales Bianca with tales of Derek while Kat snipes from the sidelines, it seems she has gone right off this character and if you like your storylines telegraphed this just in - this guy is a crook, looking for Derek's secret stash and naturally, Bianca is more than happy to help him on his way... and this, Ian - is why, when you find a box full of money that you know belonged to a dodgy character... YOU NEVER TELL ANYONE. You take the money, burn everything in it and put it out for the binmen just as they're coming down the street. Even Kat realises Bianca is being an idiot.

Count Moonula starts skulking around the hospital...

Derek's "friend" appears to talk to Alice - and just to prove he's up to no good, despite having said he knew her, clearly doesn't. DUN DUN DUN!

Caveman Max no want Lauren date Beale boy! Which is a problem because Tanya thinks that dating is just the tonic to cure her alcoholism... Not an intervention, not counselling, not AA or some variation thereof... not any kind of structured professional help of any kind. No dating. GENIUS!

If it wasn't obvious enough already, Derek's old friend excuses himself to the bathroom but that's just so that he can rifle through drawers and then Alice - upon finding him in her father's old room - spills the story about the box by way of Carol by way of Ian. DUN DUN DUN!

Finally, Michael kicks off at the hospital but manages to restrain himself.

Ian tries to teach Peter the placing of silverware but he's clearly in a bit of a mood and strops off after not knowing which one is a dessert spoon is. You're not fooling anyone, Peter. He runs outside and bumps into Tanya and they're on for a date!

Sam announces that after last night he is no longer leaving because last night was too amazing and then slinks off while Ava looks like the cat that got the cream.

Kat is channeling her inner Columbo - although as this is Walford, Inspector Clouseau would probably be more appropriate - as she sleuths her way through the mystery of Derek's friend Carl... by explaining to Bianca that Alice hadn't seen him before, despite his claims to the contrary. It's always good to have characters telling us what we already know!

Caveman Max is still against Peter seeing Lauren, when Tanya makes the most hilarious statement ever - Max is working all the time and she's busy with the salon. Ah, right - that'll explain why you've spent your morning planning a date for your alcoholic daughter because you're both SOOOOO busy working.

It would seem that "Carl" has now discerned the location of Ian... DUN DUN DUN!

Peter turns up to try and woo Lauren but she has decided (or somehow knows) that he is still a love sick puppy and shoos him away.

Michael - having clearly given up on his daughter - decides to inform Tommy of his true parentage. Much to Kat's shock. Given the fact he's expressed no interest thus far, it is a shock...

And so it begins, the menacing of Ian by Carl. Ian tries to pretend he doesn't know Derek but that doesn't work... although, when you think about it - going to eat at the restaurant of a man who you're trying to intimidate doesn't seem that clever. What's to say he doesn't up the gumption to poison you? Although, perhaps he has clocked that Ian was born without a backbone...

Tuesday 18th June 2013

Dexter seems pretty chipper about the prospect of his father disappearing.

Could it be that Max has realised Lauren is an alcoholic? His denial didn't last long.

Derek's two unspeakably bland children have a bland conversation.

Phil tells Dexter that his father seems nice, to whit Dexter says he didn't know him and in acknowledgement of Eastenders doing its bit for the environment, Jay reminds him that they've already had this conversation. Remembers to recycle!

Michael is still catatonic...

Sam and Ava have another conversation - because they're all chummy now - where he moans about how Dexter doesn't like him. Wow, it's almost as walking out on your kids can have negative consequences!

Abi has somehow managed to discern that things are bad for Lauren... with a brain like that, those exams will be a breeze. Then due to narrative contrivance, she ends up  showing a French vicar around Walford... are there a lot of Anglicans in France?

Ava and Tanya talk about nothing of consequence in the caffffffffffff. Does Ava need to be told that describing Tanya's family like as a train wreck would  be an optimistic assessment?

Bizarro Dot is back because despite Abi's protestations that she has to revise - because that's her entire life now, every waking second of it  - she pretty much pushes Abi and "Albert" out the door to enjoy the sights of Walford...  presumably this is so that when he goes to Africa, he'll realise it's paradise combined to the grim reality of London's deadliest slum.

Max gives Lauren a bit of a hug when she finds a bottle of his favourite win in the bin. Goodness... no shouting? What is this?!

Alice looks at the picture of her father - DUN DUN DUN!

To punish Michael, Kat has brought around Alfie. Which is sufficient to break his catatonic state.

Max - the master of subtlety - having had a bit of a touching moment with his daughter, crashes straight back to the sloping foreheaded idiot he is  most of the time to just straight out tell her he'd like to take her to a support group after they've had some pizza. Smooth. Real smooth.

"Albert" is apparently intellectually orders of magnitude greater than anyone else in Walford as all of thirty seconds and he has already made comment on what a terrible place it is and how desperately it needs god... If it needed divine intervention, it would probably be better that it was more along the lines of Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Turns out Max has lost his daughter. Oops!

Michael looks as if he's about to go stab crazy, sitting with the insufferable Alfie and Kat. They appear surprised when he gets up and leaves but he just wants to ask Alice about Scarlet's first birthday.

Apparently, "Albert" truly is a man of the cloth because he's French but risks a sausage roll...

Dexter is not best pleased that the car (that he broke) won't be fixed for two weeks, meaning his father will be around for two more weeks but this prompts Phil to give him a peptalk. What has gotten into Phil? Seems like despite not having Lexi, he's still in full on mother goose mode.

Alice turns up to tell Michael that Scarlet has an appointment booked at the hospital tomorrow morning - DUN DUN DUN!

Dexter tells his father about the car situation but makes it clear that a reconciliation isn't going to happen, which in turn prompts Sam to give Ava a dramatic "But there's a few things you should know..." DUN DUN DUN!

Alice has started to make amends for her thieving ways by returning Pat's earrings to Tiffany.

Apparently "Albert" has learned the lesson of listening... which leads Dot to suggest to Abi that's a lesson she needs to take to heart when it comes to Lauren.

So, Sam's dramatic confession - he never stopped loving Ava... except the fact they clearly still loved one another was telegraphed from their first meeting - an oblivious Dexter proposes a toast to the fourteen days before his deadbeat dad is gone, unaware that ol' dad is putting the moves on Ava and doing pretty well.

Carol has a little chitchat with Lauren and because she's related to Max - instantly uses a sledge hammer to crack a walnut by immediately going on about her dead son. She then runs outside (seems like she can't let a conversation finish without a speedy exit) and then runs into the arms of her parents and confessing she doesn't want to stop and indeed, can't.

A chipper Dexter walks home and has a friendly bit of banter with his mother before Sam appears from her bedroom. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Monday 17th June 2013

Max remains apparently unconcerned with his daughter's alcoholism... can he really have forgotten again already?

Abi fell asleep revising for exams... because that's apparently become her only distinguishing feature of late. Revising.

Bianca - being a cash strapped single mother living below the poverty line - is looking to get that notoriously cheap thing, a private detective to track down dear old dad... but Carol is being a bit of a misery guts about it.

Alice is suspicious of why Joey is being nice to her and then it comes out that Joey "had words", his fists must be syllables then. Alice is not best pleased.

Tanya goes to see Lauren at her new digs - seems as if she's taking another day off work to... watch Abi revise, maybe? Anyway, Kirstie doesn't let her in and just as well because Lauren isn't overly keen on talking to her mother... who can blame her? To say Tanya is running hot and cold would be like saying Sharon is a terrible person - a massive understatement.

Brace yourself for a shock... COMMON SENSE! Kirstie suggests calling a doctor - that's bonkers! At least Lauren thinks so.

Generic exchange between Ava and Sam - well, OK. Not generic, they use their inside voices.

Bianca goes to confront Ian about the letter and he stumbles through a bad lie before she threatens to tell her mum! No, seriously.

Joey decides that having been an idiot and BEING an idiot, the best thing is to go and get Pointless Poppy to sort out Alice... what does it say about you when you think of the empty headed Poppy as your

Max continues to appear utterly indifferent and/or oblivious to Lauren's alcoholism despite having discovered it for the third time (at least) less than a week ago. Or perhaps he just has a lot on his mind because he's somehow able to make the front door of his house sound like a car door! Then Kirstie says he needs to see Lauren - ah, well - we should remember that in lieu of a doctor Max is your next best bet. Able to cure his brother's paralysis and able to diagnose Phil's ailments after falling down into the inspection pit at a glance!

Ian confronts Lucy, thinking she gave Bianca the letter - which Lucy denies and then points out that they'll probably be wondering what else was in the box... It's almost as if he should have disposed of all that incriminating evidence. Although, why they would suspect there was money in it isn't something Lucy ventures to explain.

Lauren is clearly going into alcohol withdrawal but even though Kirstie against insists on calling a doctor, Max (self-proclaimed father of the decade mere minutes ago) is more concerned about Kirstie picking out nursery things than his clearly poorly alcoholic daughter.

Alice goes to see Pointless Poppy and within the blink of an eye, she has rumbled that Joey is responsible  for this state of affairs. Which prompts her to run off, do some thieving, get confronted by Bianca about it before running off when Joey appears.

As Joey has the brains and personality of a glass of water, he pursues Alice to try and use his lack of charm and personality to fix the problem. Which works about as well as using petrol to put out a fire... to prove this, Alice shows him the three or four pounds worth of tat she has stolen. Cue tearful confession to Joey, complete with running mascara. Joey - perhaps living up to his counterpart in Friends - reacts by mentally trying to calculate the square root of five thousand, three hundred and ninety one.

Ian - in the most suspicious manner possible - hands over Derek's stash, not even really offering a plausible explanation as to why he took so long to do so and then Bianca finds a phone number! DUN DUN DUN!

After Max and Tanya wish Abi well in her exams but Max has to break the news that Lauren doesn't want to come back...

Kirstie suggests a doctor for the third time and then implores Lauren to seek help, citing her own personal  experience and Max's extreme idiocy as a reason to try and sort herself out now.

Another scene between Sam and Dexter... yawn.

Count Moonula rises from the crypt but seems to have catatonic.

Joey tries his very best to have a personality but he fails.

Max the idiot despite having hit the trifecta on discovering his own daughter's alcoholism is apparently back to a river in Egypt and let's not forget, this is the incoherent caveman whose first reaction to Lauren potentially having a drinking problem (well, the first time they discovered it) was to march her down to the GP and demand they scare Lauren straight.

Friday 14th June 2013

Is Lauren incapable of sleeping in her own bed? She's forever sleeping on the sofa... If she can stumble up the steps to her house, surely she can go a few more to her own bed?

Count Moonula is still ignoring Alice.

Peter is still trying to mend the wounds but Evil Lucy is more interested in the letter she randomly found while rifling through her father's possessions.

Max comes round to see Tanya and what a shocker - shouting ensues. Oh and Tanya remembers she has more than one child - shame it's Abi she recalled and not the one that needs actual attention... Oscar is probably already in an advanced state of decay. RIP Oscar.

Goodness, it seems as if someone remembered Billie died of alcohol poisoning... and as it's Bianca who mentions it, she's very casual about the untimely death of her half-brother only a few short years ago. No reason that would be mentioned in anything other than a passing manner.

Abi is studying at Dot's to avoid the drama but Tanya comes looking for her... after all, it's too late for Oscar now. How long are Abi's exams going on for? She seems to have been doing them for months!

Half-Day Alice makes the mistake of asking Kat for romantic advice, when she inadvertently finds out that it was Michael that Alice slept with!

The pressure is mounting on the world's worst human Sharon... where could this be going? Wouldn't it be a surprise if stress drove Sharon to go back to her pill popping ways.

It seems as if Tanya is still of the opinion that a bit of TLC can solve her daughter's alcoholism... she's stupid that way. Oh and it turns out Oscar isn't dead but he needs picking up. DUN DUN DUN!

King Phil goes around to the club to tell Sharon she's a mess and isn't up to organising a fundraiser, then says he's trying to help her - immediately leading Sharon to anger.

Evil Lucy shows Peter the letter - which she uses as an example of how Ian is bad! Then why didn't she give the letter to Misery Guts Carol?

Lauren tells Abi that even if she does well in her exams, she won't be able to swan off into the sunset.

Sharon goes to apologise to Dot for not being able to organise the fundraiser and shockingly, remembers her son! Dot's sagacious advice is to run away. That's a GREAT coping strategy!

Finally, it seems as if Lauren is actually suffering from alcohol withdrawal and this time we actually get to see her hands shake, rather than just have someone tell us her hands are shaking... and of course, this comes when Abi has run off and the front door beckons... isn't that convienent.

Ian and Evil Lucy play "He said, She said" about the letter but Peter is sticking to his policy of uniting the family and he won't pick a side!

Michael spends some time with the eternally mute Amy - that's downright eerie. Also, since when did Jack give a damn about his kids?

The Lips gives Tanya a peptalk about Lauren but it goes down about as well as a lead balloon.

Having taken Dot's advice to heart five minutes ago, Sharon is ready to head off for two weeks... Let's hope the school term is over otherwise she's going to get in trouble with the head teacher... actually, given that's Ava, it's unlikely she has been to work, so she's probably fine.

Abi returns to find Lauren gone! DUN DUN DUN! She's in the shop with a bag! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Oh and Max totally buys that she's just getting snacks... because he's kind of an idiot. Oh and he offers to have her live with him and The Lips... has he forgotten she's an alcoholic? Oh and it was alcohol she bought - what a shocker.

Off Sharon goes... just as well King Phil can't tell her what to do!

Lauren has managed to get drunk in the time it takes to walk from the shop back home and Abi immediately knows this. Shouting ensues and then Abi pours away the precious booze, which prompts Lauren to push her out the kitchen and lock herself in and then emit something more akin to some kind of sonic attack.

Michael clearly feeling in need of a beating tells Joey he slept with Alice but he only gets punched once for his trouble and professes his disappointment.

Peter gives the letter from Dr. Holby to Bianca.

Lauren apparently decided the best course of action was to destroy Abi's notes and then there's shouting. Lots and lots of shouting become in Eastenders, volume correlates directly with drama... and the heart warming ending isn't Tanya realising that she's an idiot and that her daughter requires professional help... No, she throws Lauren out on the street and says she's Max's problem. That deserves a slow clap for its breath taking lack of common sense, intellect AND basic human decency.

Thursday 13th June 2013

Tanya starts the day doing what she should have done before - checking for Lauren's hidden booze.

Half-Day Alicce is like a puppy after having had sex with Michael, who looks utterly indifferent.

Dexter and his dad bump into one another - nothing new.

Lauren moans about her imprisonment - it doesn't occur to her that she's being held against her will?

Turns out Dexter's dad is working just across from Dexter!

Misery Guts Carol gets advice on the menopause from Dot, who then talks to King Phil about the charity fundraiser - he is suitably nonplussed as he didn't give his blessing.

Alice has to tell Pointless Poppy about having sex with Michael - PP doesn't seem particularly supportive. Shockingly, she actually points out Michael might have been using her but there are none so blind as those who will not see.

Phil goes to express his displeasure to Sharon and she's as snippy as you'd expect someone to be with their boss.

Evil Lucy is clearly setting her sights on Ian as she experiences some cash flow problems of her own due to Ian's thieving... no word on how he's going to manage to cover his outgoings while the restaurant takes off but presumably ignoring it will sort it out.

Tanya decides to not let Max help... also, it appears where Lauren lives is not down to her but rather her parents... old enough to buy alcohol but apparently the property of her parents, eh?

Alice clearly thinks - despite all signs to the contrary - her and Michael are a thing and asks Kat to make herself scarce and dohohoh, she makes a joke about Michael walking in on her!

It seems it's Evil Lucy's turn to go through the long lost lockbox looking over the letter from Doctor Holby and also more pointless sniping amongst the Beale family.

Dot and the vicar up the pressure on Sharon for their young Christian bash

Hey, remember when Ava had a job? No, no one does - especially Ava who is swanning around having a shouting match with Dexter.

Lauren begs for booze from Twitney from her window... if she was going to go into withdrawal - surely it would have started by now? Although, that would explain her appearance.

Meanwhile, Cora knocks back booze at the bar and bemoans the evils of booze. If only the Crayon Crew understood irony.

It would appear that Lauren going into withdrawal has imbued her with telekinesis as she stands next to the table WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING IT she somehow propels the tea her mother has just put down out of the mug and onto Abi's arm... spooky but then superpowers do tend to manifest themselves under stress.

Ava and Sam to-and-fro again.

Tanya and Abi lament Lauren's withdrawal - if only they could have done this is some kind of controlled manner, possibly with a medical profession to help ease the symptoms, ONE OF WHICH IS POTENTIALLY DEATH but yes, clearly that's just crazy talk... after all, it's the Walford way - with such poster boys as Nick Cotton and Phil Mitchell.

Evil Lucy laments her father lauding her brother and also brings up the topic of Bianca's father aka Doctor Holby. FORESHADOWING!

Misery Guts Carol finally tells Masood she's going through the menopause and... he's totally fine with it.

Lauren tries a jailbreak but as her mother is all of five paces away it doesn't work.

Dexter gets logick'd when he says Lola doesn't know his father and then both she and Jay point out that neither does he.

Sharon seems to have forgotten that she's employed by Phil - share owner or not - because she says he can't tell her what to do... He can. He's your boss.

Masood and Carol talk about being old - wow, people over forty having relationships! DOHOHOH!

Michael tells Alice what everyone knew except her - he was just having sex with her and love had nothing to do with it.

A heart stopping finale as Lauren risks the two or three metre fall from a first floor window, risking injuries as serious as maybe a sprained ankle or nasty bit of bruising. Naturally everyone acts as if she's about to fall off the top of Big Ben but fortunately, Max is on hand to help Lauren down to end her thirty second long ordeal at three thousand millimetres!

To cap it all off, Lauren screams and runs off while everyone looks a little baffled.

Tuesday 11th June 2013

Count Moonula is sulking because he doesn't know where Scarlet is - months without any discernible emotion and now he's king of the emos. Showing Alice is really stupid, Pointless Poppy then gives her advice which is actually good - Michael is no good for her.

Cora continues to be sensible by telling Tanya that she needs to learn about Lauren's affliction.

Masood is angsting about his relationship with Carol... who cares.

New head Peter continues his crusade to fix the Beale family.

Lauren has discovered that is now under house arrest but this is just so she can prove to her dear mother that she can go a few days without booze.

Carol's nebulous health issues continue...

Dot - having bellyached about getting the position of church warden - is now bellyaching about having the position. Sharon then suggests a charity night at the R&R.

Count Moonula conducts a phone conversation with  his solicitor entirely via the medium of shouting.

Evil Lucy tells Peter about Lauren stealing Joey and being an alcoholic.

Even the brain impaired Max seems to think that locking up Lauren is a bad idea but Tanya is saying that Lauren didn't go into alcohol withdrawal - oh, well that's a relief given that one of the side effects of that CAN BE DEATH!

Carol's mysterious medical issues... MENOPAUSE. Which she would obviously have to keep top secret because... uh... if people just said things, Eastenders episodes would be about five minutes long. Which would be a good thing.

Ian is inexplicably buying sugar for the restaurant at the corner shop... and is using one of his alternate personalities... and Peter comes along to say yah, like Lucy totally isn't listening which reminds him of this one time on his gap year...

Sharon asks Phil if they can do a charity night in the club and he says no, prompting Shirley to give her usual Phil related advice... really though, all Sharon needs to do is wait for one of his characteristic changes of heart.

Count Moonula is upset by the impotence of the law to help him with Scarlet.

Misery Guts Carol has decided to revisit the misery of Doctor Holby.

Evil Lucy thinks Peter is against her - not reinforced by him working at the restaurant.

Saint Alfie has decided to start collecting for the church... despite the fact no one goes there. Everyone seems pretty indifferent.

Despite having told Bianca, Carol has to keep her menopause a state secret.

Alice won't take a hint and tries to put the moves on Michael and gets rejected.

Peter and Lauren have a heart to heart but then Tanya bursts in and then Lauren reveals she was drinking vodka all day because her mother is an idiot. To prove this, she goes "SHE'S AN ALCOHOLIC!" to her mother. Wow, she's slow.

And Michael is going to have sex with Half-Day Alice for some reason. Just to make it more cliched - she's a virgin.

Monday 10th June 2013

So, new head Peter is now making breakfast and his father is enquiring as to what he did for the huge amount of time that has passed... what and they didn't have a single phonecall, e-mail, letter or some other form of communication at ALL?! Yeah, what a tight family - a loving son that doesn't even bother coming back when his father had a trampoid meltdown...

Dot is still fretting about  her reputation when the vicar comes a calling.

Count Moonula is accusing Alice for Janine leaving with his daughter.

It apparently took all weekend to remove less than a dozen bottles from Lauren's room - shouting ensues. What a surprise, eh? Arbitrary blame allocation ensues between Max and Tanya. Yawn.

Peter goes to the cafffffffffffffffff and it turns out that it wasn't just his family he had a communication embargo with... good grief, political prisoners in solitary confinement in China talk to more people than Peter did while he was in Devon! A monk on a vow of silence might have more successfully communicated... anyway, much as Ian did - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffur immediately assumes there was a girl.

Oh and Peter is insisting that it wasn't Ian's fault and runs up against the overwhelming blandness of Joey. DUN DUN DUN!

Dot gets her hopes up about the church warden position but nope, that's not happening... Good grief - why do we have to keep focusing on this dull as dishwater subplot?

Cora makes the shocking step of suggesting professional help for Lauren - which Tanya irrationally rejects for no reason and decides the best thing to do is CRACK DOWN.

Peter is trying to find out the state of play between his sister and father and consults Dot... who doesn't have much in the way of helpful advice to offer... no change there then and so Peter goes off on his merry way, knowing no more than he did to begin with.

Jay moans to Dexter about his selfishness.

Lauren pretends she's on the path to recovery - and inexplicably expresses surprise that her mother isn't at work...

Arffuuuuuuuuuur has apparently decided to start calling Peter "Paedo"... no need for that, Arfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuur! People have been lynched for less. Poppy idly wonders how Ian Beale managed to have three such attractive children - the same casting agent as Hollyoaks, probably. No one seems to noticed that Peter seems to have become a rugger bugger either but people in Walford are notoriously stupid... but time was, they were also notoriously ugly. Times change... but they are all still morons.

Lauren turns up doing her video documentary thing - seriously, for a project? What's she training to do? Work for the BBC! DOHOHOHOH! - and as soon as she starts talking to Peter, Joey immediately seems jealous but then he has to go and sort out a problem at the cafffffffffffffffffff. How would he know what to do, given he's been away for years.

Peter tries to play peacemaker but Ian is ultimately unapologetic about taking the money - his to take he says... morally, perhaps but legally, no. This does highlight how Ian's personality does see to regularly just change radically. Sometimes he's old Ian, sometimes he's new Ian and occasionally he's just nothing like Ian at all - or BIZARRO IAN!

Lauren doesn't get much attention at the Vic and so flounces off, thieving some booze on her way out.

Dot and Sharon have a chitchat, where Dot goes on about the church warden position some more. Oh,  who  cares? Even worse, Sharon peers at Dot through her bad yellowish fringe, like some kind of filthy beggar woman - giving her a peptalk. That's a low ebb.

Count Moonula hugs Alice but it's just to thieve her keys!

Turns out Peter feels guilty about not being there for his dear old dad and now, he and Ian are going to get everything back from Evil Lucy!

After Abi's puppy eyes guilted him earlier, Dexter is now ready to take his father's money... shame he didn't have that revelation BEFORE smashing the car, really.

Lauren is drunk and takes it out on Dot but Dot is having none of it and just tells her to go home and apparently that's what the vicar needed to make her church warden. OK! Just shut up about that damned position already! It's enough to ferment religious intolerance in the most gentle soul.

Tanya is apologising to Abi (not for the first time) for ignoring her but then, Lauren has to roll in drunk (seriously, this girl can get drunk faster than most people can down a pint) and be objectionable. Amazingly though, she DOESN'T destroy the cake on the table... this will only serve to anger the gods!

Evil Lucy has discerned there is more to Peter's return than just sorting things out, also she's not over him sleeping with her best friend over a year and a half ago...

Alice arrives to find Michael going through Janine's stuff but he leaves without too much of a fuss.

Max warns Peter off his daughter - scary - but new head Peter seems more concerned about a mysterious phonecall!

Oh and having rejected out of hand the suggestion of something as ridiculously sensible as professional help, Tanya has decided to put Lauren under house arrest. An idea so original, we saw it just a few weeks ago with a mother - Bianca, who was at the end of her tether due to tearaway teen (Liam) that she had no other recourse but to imprison him!

Friday 7th June 2013

It's Ian's big day and everything is bustling at... whatever his restaurant is called. Let's hope nothing goes... HORRIBLY WRONG!

Lauren getting an unpaid waitressing position apparently warrants congratulation from both parents - who are BOTH going to the restaurant.

Count Moonula seems suspicious of Janine's sudden change of heart...

It seems Evil Lucy has finally found out about Ian's deception - perhaps if he hadn't been spending money like it was going out of fashion, this wouldn't have been an issue? - but as this is Eastenders, has yet to put the pieces together.

Ava is not happy about Dexter trashing the car - shouting ensues.

Talking of the car, Sam gets a refund for it - highlighting what an idiot Dexter is.

Despite being a sous chef, it seems as if Jean is actually the only person in the kitchen and she's gone a little mad woman, as she is oft want to do.

Boring Masood/Carol stuff!

Jay is none too happy with Dexter about their current predicament.

Ian seems to be rather schizophrenic about the opening... moments after telling Jean to use slices to save money, he's apparently hired a VIOLINIST... couldn't they just have played classical music? Evil Lucy lambasts his spendthrift ways but somehow this will "pay for itself"... perhaps it's best we call him Bizarro Beale?

Dexter argues with Jay about his father but jokes on him, Jay has the ultimate trump card - A DEAD DAD! GAME OVER!

Ian gives a limp wristed motivational speech and Ian Beale @ Le Square is finally open! It seems as if the guests have practiced some sort of synchronised arrival, as despite a total absence of people milling around outside as soon as they let people in, the place fills up in under a minute... was there some kind of extra-dimensional waiting room?

Oh and it turns out that Lister - the much maligned market inspector - is disliked by Kim, was a regular of the whore at her B&B and is the friend of the investor that Ian needs to impress... and as it turns out, that investor is none other than the Hollyoaks refugee that fleeced Sayeed. DUN DUN DUN!

New head Bobby is doing his best to be working class - despite fitting into Walford about as well square peg into a round hole - but the exact reason for this is not explained... and then Janine and her entourage appear.

Ohoh, what's this? Jean is in the kitchen and is getting confused - this isn't going to end well, quite possibly she'll be locked in an attic before the night is over. What's more perplexing is that she SEEMS to be preparing meals but no one is actually sitting down and ordering food - they're just kind of milling and snacking. This isn't a service...

Evil Lucy is snarky to Janine which means she finds out Ian didn't get any extra money... how is she not putting this together?

Misery Guts Carol realises she's mutton dressed as lamb in the outfit that Masood got her.

Count Moonula appears and we see both Kim sneaking a drink (despite her sisters earlier insistence that she get cut off at one) and also Lauren. Then Ian goes into another limp wristed speech - where he naturally forgets to thank Jean who goes into the kitchen to sulk.

In what may well be the definition of a coup d'etat - it seems that somehow Janine has managed to have the sign changed and when it's unveiled it turns out that it's Scarlett's... DOHOHOHOHO! Naturally, he's not best pleased but then Janine tells him how things are going to be from now on. She also plays nice with Michael.

It seems our Hollyoaks refugee is now keen to make inroads with Janine - who seems to entertain the idea - but Masood is not best pleased at seeing him. The strangest thing is though, he's surprised to see Masood... yes because the last place you'd expect to see the guy is near where he lives...

Jean is getting near catatonic and it would appear the stress of working for five minutes has got Lauren just about paralytic and FINALLY someone notices, except Twitney doesn't actually DO anything despite the fact Lauren is trolleyed... nope, just watches her go out.

Brace yourself for the shocker of Lauren's comedy drunk act becoming immediately belligerent and then spilling a drink over Hollyoaks refugee. Oh but DOHOHO, turns out that he isn't even an investor! He advises people on investments - oh, says Ian maybe you can find people to invest... NOPE!

Having twirled her moustache for a sufficient period of time, she reveals she knew about Michael's game and may never return... making sure to thank Alice for the tip... Count Moonula assures Alice he'll destroy her if he doesn't see his daughter again. This just makes Alice seem really confused.

It seems as if Max and Tanya might have just finally worked out their daughter might have an alcohol problem... this is starting to feel like Groundhog Day... How many times have they worked this out only to take no action and forget? Five times now?

Evil Lucy finally confronts Ian about his thieving - which is pretty rich given the fact the only reason the caffffffffffff and the chippy are hers is because she emotionally blackmailed him into signing them over to her when he was an emotional wreck (well, more than he usually is - obviously). Fortunately, the Beale genetic uplift into the aristocracy continues as new head Peter appears sounding as if he's just back from his GAP YEAR!

Thursday 6th June 2013

The Snake, The Vicar and The Brothel... who exactly sold that story to the Walford Gazette?

Ian is back to thieving cheques from Evil Lucy.

Half-Day Alice moans about being Michael's pawn... if only she had a backbone.

Ava has rumbled that Sam bought the car - ONOES! It's just so hard to care.

Kim ponders to Shirley how they got the story as a journo wanders up to Shirley and asks about the brothel, assuming she's a whore... the profession does take its toll. Kim is won over by the silver tongued journo though...

Ava guilt trips Sam about buying the car... booooooooooring.

Shirley is walking around looking bemused - presumably because there is nary a deflating bald man in sight! Given that she's linked to this story and they're wondering who told the press, perhaps it's her? Wouldn't that be a shocker.

Kim pleads ignorance (hardly a stretch) to the journo before Dot bursts in to act like bizarro Dot. Also, the B&B is getting dirty calls and Patrick warns serious damage could be done to the business! That seems unlikely.

Pointless Poppy is struggling to understand basic concepts - which she doesn't even need to understand, she just needs to know what to say and then Ian uses the cheque to pay for fancy napkins. DUN DUN DUN!

Alice starts acting really weird before thieving from Janine and to Janine's credit, she rumbles her almost immediately. Which results in the tearful confession she was working for Michael.

Dexter starts getting antsy about the car for some reason but Jay has posted the registration documents.

Having admitted to being untrustworthy, Alice attempts to convince Janine that Scarlet needs both parents.

Evil Lucy finally gets around to asking Ian how he's managed to finance the restaurant because apparently Janine didn't give him much. Then Ian explains it was Derek's horde that financed it all, cleverly dodging any questions about how he's going to cover the running costs in the interim.

Shockingly, the scumbag journo who assured Kim he would tell "her side of the story" has instead made it seem as if she ruined Dot's chances of becoming church warden. Truly, a story that will shake the country!

Janine returns to tell Alice that she's right and Scarlet does need both parents but that she mustn't tell Michael, just get him to meet them at the restaurant opening. IT'S A TRAP!

His mother having spilled the beans about his father buying the car, Dexter does the only logical thing... he wrecks the car! Ruining not just his holiday but also Jay's, Abi's and Lola's... what a champ! Then  Ava and Sam turn up to look a little bored.

Tuesday 4th June 2013

Dot consoles Pointless Poppy about the death of the mouse.

Kim working at the B&B?! Oh, wait - she's failed. Quelle surprise.

Janine's business interest today is... *rolls dice* THE CLUB! Which is convenient because Phil has apparently ALSO taken an interest in it with a crude advertising promotion and has enlisted the help of Sharon (big mistake) to help... for some reason.

The revelation that there is a snake on the loose in Dot's house leads to immediate comedy hijinks as Dot acts as if she's dancing on a hot plate with ants down her pants... that can't be good for her at her age.

Janine's reservations about Phil's promotion appear to be that he's appealing to beer drinking lager louts - really more something for pubs than clubs, surely? She proceeds to wind him up and then he trundles off like a clockwork boiled egg to talk to Sharon.

Count Moonula turns up with a mission for Alice - basically to exploit what he perceives to be Janine's emotional vulnerability. No Mission: Impossible music though.

Masood returns and immediately starts going on about Carol. Yawn.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur apologises for unleashing a plague of snake on Dot's house and then suggests they move to the B&B - Walford's premiere conference venue... it's not clear whether she puts her heads in her hands to conceal guffaws of laughter or tears of despair though...

Pointless Poppy is doing her bit to set back women's rights by acting like a screaming damsel in distress at the sight of a snake. Although, both Jay and Dexter seem to be acting as if they're in some kind of creature feature rather than finding one teeny tiny snake...

As if this tedious subplot hadn't taken up enough time, Arffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuur has to redirect the vicar and speak his what-middle-aged-white-men-think-young-"urban-people-speak for a while, until Pointless Poppy appears shouting that it's an emergency. So, four people to take on this snake... and no one is dead yet.

Carol is being evasive of Masood. Part two but now he has come a knocking. Yawn.

That snake in the kitchen was just shedding - predictable.

Carol tells Masood it's not him, it's her - original.

Janine and Sharon scupper Phil's plan for "Getting Hammered" night. Oh dear.

Dot drama... please, just make it stop.

Wow, there is just a WHOLE lot of nothing in this episode.

Looks like Jay sold the car to Dexter's father... whoopee.

The Dot drama continues... Dot seems to think the Bible is an unalterable guideline to morality. Best not touch that one with a bargepole and so, moving on, Dot decides to proactively crusade for morality by calling whores - and this is after the masseuse that now works in Kim's phone has been discovered and turned on... can you guess where this is going?

Count Moonula pressures Alice some more.

Consternation abounds and it's sufficient to make it sound as if Kim is saying her lines later in a totally different place for the rest of the scene and then Dot reaches into her handbag and gets bitten by the snake, which falls to the floor... People are reacting more like it's a live hand grenade or a rabid bear than a snake that you barely see. It's not even clear if this is supposed to be funny or serious... it's just... bland. Like the rest of the episode, really.

Jay makes the mistake of telling Abi that Sam bought the car and compounds the error by stilted telling her "YOU MUST NEVER TELL HIM!" Begin the countdown.

Monday 3rd June 2013

Evil Lucy made breakfast but no one seems interested - maybe she'll be forced to EAT!

Count Moonula continues to put Alice through the ringer - no doubt this will lead to her collection of toilet brushes growing ever larger.

Lauren is apologising to people at the behest of her mother... what is this, the twelve step programme lite?

As expected, Ian's plan to turn a dirty old storage area into a fine dining experience in just under a month is running into more problems... and apparently he's getting publicity photos before it's anywhere NEAR finished... why?! Also, as it turns out Deadbeat Dad (Sam) is a master of all trades.

Speaking of which, Ava is clearly distracted by thoughts of his as Dexter natters on about his holiday.

Dot's church warden tedium GRINDS on.

Denise apparently doesn't understand the concept of a business and takes umbrage at Ian wanting to attract customers with money... isn't she supposed to be the smart one? Then Deadbeat Dad tells Denise there's no way that they'll be finished by Friday... WHAT A SHOCKER! Cue Denise roping Patrick and Kim in to help.

More stuff about da YOUFFFFFFF holiday - yawn.

Lauren tries to smooth things over with Evil Lucy - that was a waste of time.

Arfffffffffuuur is helping with dreary Dot drama which has somehow involved him getting new face Bobby's pet mouse that he has naturally stored in Dot's house, presumably for the purposes of comic effect.

Janine still has a picture of her with Scarlet and Michael, which the conflicted Alice finds it.

Lauren's apologising continues with her going to mope at Dot before finally getting round to actually saying sorry. Dot proves to be a little more receptive but then this is the same woman that took her drug addicted, thieving, lying son who tried to killer her back - so maybe not the hardest nut to crack.

Ian accepts help from Denise et al.

Half-Day Alice gets... A HALF-DAY!

Lauren gives saying sorry to Evil Lucy a second chance. It goes slightly better - unless you're judging from Evil Lucy's facial expressions in which case you'd think she was watching some particularly repugnant internet video.

Ava tells Sam that kissing him was a big mistake - which can mean but one thing - LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Count Moonula spies Janine with Scarlet, doing another in her interminable "Janine is a bad mother" series. Turning into a mist, Count Moonula disappears before Janine can see him and then immediately calls Alice who walks into the salon for a bit of relaxing pilfering and then confesses to it but Pointless Poppy but she's just too dim to get it.

Lauren apologises to Twitney and decides the best way to repent for her sins is to help on opening night at Ian's restaurant FOR FREE!

More car hijinks! This time, Abi thinks the car has lots of bids but... it hasn't. In fact, it has none.

Dohoho, looks like the photographer turned up early - what a surprise! His level of surprise at the shambles he sees is... entirely realistic but because this is Eastenders all it takes to stop him walking out the door is a slightly sinister wink from Patrick.

Ian is bobbing and weaving across the Square to get food from the cafffffffffff - because what says fine dining like something from a greasy spoon? We also Alice casually doing some more thieving as she walks through the market at the same time, not even TRYING to conceal her actions.

Back at whatever Ian's restaurant is called, he begins trying to craft the meal he just purloined from the caffffff into something suitable for the two or three citizens of Walford who wouldn't be content to gorge their cavernous maws in a giant food trough and naturally, everything is ALRIGHT ON THE NIGHT! Also, foreshadowing of the long lost Peter to return - with a new head... does Ian get some kind of reward points if his children change faces?

Oh no, Bobby's pet mouse is dead! But actually, no - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuur is an idiot and Monty is actually a pet snake who has now escaped because of Pointless Poppy's idiocy... if they ever have a child, it will surely be a weaponised form of stupidity.

And Alice tells Michael that Janine still loves him... based on her keeping one photo.

Friday 31st May 2013

Tanya has a strange exchange with Max about their relationship with the kids, which seems weird and awkward.

Lauren has been hanging out in the Vic since her rampage when approximately ten seconds later the busies turn up to arrest her. Lauren's generic tantrum starts as they drag her off... What Walford PD lack in competence, they made up for in speed, eh?

Alice clearly feel bad about going being Janine's back with Scarlet - dun dun dun!

Abi runs over to tell her mother about Lauren's arrest - her plan has been working out so well! Oh and don't tell Max!

Ava has an awkward moment of "bonding" with Dexter which is spoilt by the spectre of Deadbeat Dad.

Ohoh, Tanya's genius plan to keep Max in the dark has gone tits up when The Lips tells him all about it.

Down at the cop shop, Tanya demands to see her daughter but what with Lauren being an adult she doesn't have a right to do so.

Count Moonula's demands are getting more... demanding. Apparently he wants to see his daughter every day now. You'd think the fact that they meet in the Vic and the park would mean they'd get rumbled in days...

Misery Guts Carol seems in an uncharacteristically good mood - this can only mean the clouds oh dour are gatherin'...

Max arrives at the police station and immediately starts having a go at Tanya - a shouting match in a police station, GENIUS! Things are only broken up by the timely intercession of an uncharacteristically assertive Abi.

Sharon gets some unexpected help from Shirley, actually given her current issue is with Phil - it's not really unexpected as Shirley seems to exist purely to involve herself in Phil-centric storylines these days.

Ian, Lucy and Joey turn up to the police station with Ian back to his original joyless penny pinching incarnation, wanting to charge Lucy... with Max of course making of a fairly serious assault and criminal damage. Then right next to the duty officer he announces he wants to have a word with Lucy because THAT isn't a serious criminal offence!

Half-Day Alice's guilt builds as Janine gives her a gift certificate for Booty's!

Misery Guts Carol's good mood has apparently evaporate like thin spittal off a hot stove.

Abi asks Tanya why she won't let Max help probably because he's an idiot?

Sharon tells Shirley a pack of lies about how she lives with her mistakes (sure you do).

Half-Day Alice attempts to break off her arrangement with Count Moonula but he uses his vampiric hypnotism on her. It's super effective.

Ava confesses to Cora that she told Deadbeat Dad to leave but then almost kissed him - that might be what we call a mixed signal. Cora settles on the profound advice of telling her daughter to either give Sam another chance or tell him to go. Wise words.

Max does some none too subtle witness tampering where else but right outside the police station!

Carol makes an appoint with the doctor DUN DUN DUN!

Shirley does her generic "Phil bad" rant to Sharon.

Max announces his witness tampering IN the police station but then Joey suddenly blurts out to Lucy that she provoked Lauren and then they both decide that they're not going to press charges... oh and despite half the Square seeing this, they were THE ONLY WITNESSES! GRITTY REALISM! I guess CCTV hasn't quite made it into the medieval borough of Walford.

Klepto-Alice adds some more thieved goods to her magpies nest.

Ava tells Sam to sling his hook which leads to them kissing.

Lauren gets off with a Caution... oops. She really shouldn't have accepted that without legal advice as they can have serious implications for international travel and certain professional field.