Tuesday 25th June 2013

After a brief illustration of why soap directors should never get fancy, Max puts his hand on Tanya's knee because they're in hospital waiting for Lauren and what better time to start sniping than when your daughter is sick?

For some reason, Alfie and AJ think Lauren being sick is a good subject for humour and then becomes a reason for a stupid subplot.

Kat stops by Kirstie's because Carl is apparently too stupid to use the letter box.

Lauren has hepatitis - caused by alcohol... and what's this?! SHE'S NOT IN A SINGLE ROOM?! Those cuts are starting to bite.

Dot feels the need to lecture but Cora is on hand to tell her to shut up. Which Dot ignores, causing Abi to run  off.

Anyone need a drink because here comes a big glass of water in the shape of Joey... yeah, your support now is really useful you big personality free waste of space.

What better way to juxtapose the serious, perhaps life threatening health  problems of Lauren than the comedy duo of Alfie and AJ doing some running? Oh, right - just about anything.

So... it turns out that having discovered she's an alcoholic maybe four or five times now, Tanya is back into denial... suggesting to the doctor that Lauren shouldn't be on this ward... yes, that's right - try and tell the doctor their job... after showing what a car crash of a family they are, the doctor suggests more politely than she has any reason to - that Lauren probably isn't going to get better living with her holocaustically bad parents... this causes Caveman Max to uggg uggg!

Apparently AJ is able to secure a couple of cans of beer just by going up to people... and stranger still, they start chanting his name. This certainly is a curiously mixed message as Abi watches.

Max and Tanya watch over the very yellow Lauren.

Abi decides to make the storyline with Alfie and AJ relevant as she decides to shout at them for having a single can of beer before 1pm... jeez, let's hope she never strays into the Vic or she'll go bonkers but her tirade is ended when she makes like her sister and runs off.

Joey and Peter have a shove fight in the cafffffffffffffffff, which spoils Alice's flowers - allowing her to lecture everyone... to be fair, Peter JUST turned up, Lucy is a malicious bitch and you're a klepto... Joey is the one that should feel bad.

Tanya - showing she doesn't understand the nature of addiction - asks Lauren why she drinks... but before any dramatic and forced revelations can occur, the doctor returns WITH THE TEST RESULTS! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Just to draw out the suspense a while, Max has Kirstie apologise to him. Yawn.

What a shock, Lauren has exactly what they said she'd have - alcoholic hepatitis. So, now alcohol is Lauren's kryptonite.

Abi goes emo and tells Jay what a terrible person she is, while the Alfie/AJ plot mercifully ends and Carl gets a phonecall. Who could that be? Kirstie, perchance?

The doctor - at Tanya's behest - recommends an expensive clinic far, far away from the streets of Walford.

Carl finds Kirstie in the caffffffffffffffff but it was just to tell him to stay away. PSYCHE!

And Jay asked Abi to the Arches so he could sing happy birthday to her with Lola and Dexter Fletcher... and that fixes everything!

Kirstie is preggers - because periods being a day late in soapland means preggers more certainly than any pregnancy test.

Tanya tells Max what we already know about Lauren's condition, where he shows a vastly exaggerated idea of their capabilities as parents... no wonder Tanya looks worried.