Monday 3rd June 2013

Evil Lucy made breakfast but no one seems interested - maybe she'll be forced to EAT!

Count Moonula continues to put Alice through the ringer - no doubt this will lead to her collection of toilet brushes growing ever larger.

Lauren is apologising to people at the behest of her mother... what is this, the twelve step programme lite?

As expected, Ian's plan to turn a dirty old storage area into a fine dining experience in just under a month is running into more problems... and apparently he's getting publicity photos before it's anywhere NEAR finished... why?! Also, as it turns out Deadbeat Dad (Sam) is a master of all trades.

Speaking of which, Ava is clearly distracted by thoughts of his as Dexter natters on about his holiday.

Dot's church warden tedium GRINDS on.

Denise apparently doesn't understand the concept of a business and takes umbrage at Ian wanting to attract customers with money... isn't she supposed to be the smart one? Then Deadbeat Dad tells Denise there's no way that they'll be finished by Friday... WHAT A SHOCKER! Cue Denise roping Patrick and Kim in to help.

More stuff about da YOUFFFFFFF holiday - yawn.

Lauren tries to smooth things over with Evil Lucy - that was a waste of time.

Arfffffffffuuur is helping with dreary Dot drama which has somehow involved him getting new face Bobby's pet mouse that he has naturally stored in Dot's house, presumably for the purposes of comic effect.

Janine still has a picture of her with Scarlet and Michael, which the conflicted Alice finds it.

Lauren's apologising continues with her going to mope at Dot before finally getting round to actually saying sorry. Dot proves to be a little more receptive but then this is the same woman that took her drug addicted, thieving, lying son who tried to killer her back - so maybe not the hardest nut to crack.

Ian accepts help from Denise et al.

Half-Day Alice gets... A HALF-DAY!

Lauren gives saying sorry to Evil Lucy a second chance. It goes slightly better - unless you're judging from Evil Lucy's facial expressions in which case you'd think she was watching some particularly repugnant internet video.

Ava tells Sam that kissing him was a big mistake - which can mean but one thing - LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Count Moonula spies Janine with Scarlet, doing another in her interminable "Janine is a bad mother" series. Turning into a mist, Count Moonula disappears before Janine can see him and then immediately calls Alice who walks into the salon for a bit of relaxing pilfering and then confesses to it but Pointless Poppy but she's just too dim to get it.

Lauren apologises to Twitney and decides the best way to repent for her sins is to help on opening night at Ian's restaurant FOR FREE!

More car hijinks! This time, Abi thinks the car has lots of bids but... it hasn't. In fact, it has none.

Dohoho, looks like the photographer turned up early - what a surprise! His level of surprise at the shambles he sees is... entirely realistic but because this is Eastenders all it takes to stop him walking out the door is a slightly sinister wink from Patrick.

Ian is bobbing and weaving across the Square to get food from the cafffffffffff - because what says fine dining like something from a greasy spoon? We also Alice casually doing some more thieving as she walks through the market at the same time, not even TRYING to conceal her actions.

Back at whatever Ian's restaurant is called, he begins trying to craft the meal he just purloined from the caffffff into something suitable for the two or three citizens of Walford who wouldn't be content to gorge their cavernous maws in a giant food trough and naturally, everything is ALRIGHT ON THE NIGHT! Also, foreshadowing of the long lost Peter to return - with a new head... does Ian get some kind of reward points if his children change faces?

Oh no, Bobby's pet mouse is dead! But actually, no - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuur is an idiot and Monty is actually a pet snake who has now escaped because of Pointless Poppy's idiocy... if they ever have a child, it will surely be a weaponised form of stupidity.

And Alice tells Michael that Janine still loves him... based on her keeping one photo.