Friday 14th June 2013

Is Lauren incapable of sleeping in her own bed? She's forever sleeping on the sofa... If she can stumble up the steps to her house, surely she can go a few more to her own bed?

Count Moonula is still ignoring Alice.

Peter is still trying to mend the wounds but Evil Lucy is more interested in the letter she randomly found while rifling through her father's possessions.

Max comes round to see Tanya and what a shocker - shouting ensues. Oh and Tanya remembers she has more than one child - shame it's Abi she recalled and not the one that needs actual attention... Oscar is probably already in an advanced state of decay. RIP Oscar.

Goodness, it seems as if someone remembered Billie died of alcohol poisoning... and as it's Bianca who mentions it, she's very casual about the untimely death of her half-brother only a few short years ago. No reason that would be mentioned in anything other than a passing manner.

Abi is studying at Dot's to avoid the drama but Tanya comes looking for her... after all, it's too late for Oscar now. How long are Abi's exams going on for? She seems to have been doing them for months!

Half-Day Alice makes the mistake of asking Kat for romantic advice, when she inadvertently finds out that it was Michael that Alice slept with!

The pressure is mounting on the world's worst human Sharon... where could this be going? Wouldn't it be a surprise if stress drove Sharon to go back to her pill popping ways.

It seems as if Tanya is still of the opinion that a bit of TLC can solve her daughter's alcoholism... she's stupid that way. Oh and it turns out Oscar isn't dead but he needs picking up. DUN DUN DUN!

King Phil goes around to the club to tell Sharon she's a mess and isn't up to organising a fundraiser, then says he's trying to help her - immediately leading Sharon to anger.

Evil Lucy shows Peter the letter - which she uses as an example of how Ian is bad! Then why didn't she give the letter to Misery Guts Carol?

Lauren tells Abi that even if she does well in her exams, she won't be able to swan off into the sunset.

Sharon goes to apologise to Dot for not being able to organise the fundraiser and shockingly, remembers her son! Dot's sagacious advice is to run away. That's a GREAT coping strategy!

Finally, it seems as if Lauren is actually suffering from alcohol withdrawal and this time we actually get to see her hands shake, rather than just have someone tell us her hands are shaking... and of course, this comes when Abi has run off and the front door beckons... isn't that convienent.

Ian and Evil Lucy play "He said, She said" about the letter but Peter is sticking to his policy of uniting the family and he won't pick a side!

Michael spends some time with the eternally mute Amy - that's downright eerie. Also, since when did Jack give a damn about his kids?

The Lips gives Tanya a peptalk about Lauren but it goes down about as well as a lead balloon.

Having taken Dot's advice to heart five minutes ago, Sharon is ready to head off for two weeks... Let's hope the school term is over otherwise she's going to get in trouble with the head teacher... actually, given that's Ava, it's unlikely she has been to work, so she's probably fine.

Abi returns to find Lauren gone! DUN DUN DUN! She's in the shop with a bag! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Oh and Max totally buys that she's just getting snacks... because he's kind of an idiot. Oh and he offers to have her live with him and The Lips... has he forgotten she's an alcoholic? Oh and it was alcohol she bought - what a shocker.

Off Sharon goes... just as well King Phil can't tell her what to do!

Lauren has managed to get drunk in the time it takes to walk from the shop back home and Abi immediately knows this. Shouting ensues and then Abi pours away the precious booze, which prompts Lauren to push her out the kitchen and lock herself in and then emit something more akin to some kind of sonic attack.

Michael clearly feeling in need of a beating tells Joey he slept with Alice but he only gets punched once for his trouble and professes his disappointment.

Peter gives the letter from Dr. Holby to Bianca.

Lauren apparently decided the best course of action was to destroy Abi's notes and then there's shouting. Lots and lots of shouting become in Eastenders, volume correlates directly with drama... and the heart warming ending isn't Tanya realising that she's an idiot and that her daughter requires professional help... No, she throws Lauren out on the street and says she's Max's problem. That deserves a slow clap for its breath taking lack of common sense, intellect AND basic human decency.