Tuesday 4th June 2013

Dot consoles Pointless Poppy about the death of the mouse.

Kim working at the B&B?! Oh, wait - she's failed. Quelle surprise.

Janine's business interest today is... *rolls dice* THE CLUB! Which is convenient because Phil has apparently ALSO taken an interest in it with a crude advertising promotion and has enlisted the help of Sharon (big mistake) to help... for some reason.

The revelation that there is a snake on the loose in Dot's house leads to immediate comedy hijinks as Dot acts as if she's dancing on a hot plate with ants down her pants... that can't be good for her at her age.

Janine's reservations about Phil's promotion appear to be that he's appealing to beer drinking lager louts - really more something for pubs than clubs, surely? She proceeds to wind him up and then he trundles off like a clockwork boiled egg to talk to Sharon.

Count Moonula turns up with a mission for Alice - basically to exploit what he perceives to be Janine's emotional vulnerability. No Mission: Impossible music though.

Masood returns and immediately starts going on about Carol. Yawn.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur apologises for unleashing a plague of snake on Dot's house and then suggests they move to the B&B - Walford's premiere conference venue... it's not clear whether she puts her heads in her hands to conceal guffaws of laughter or tears of despair though...

Pointless Poppy is doing her bit to set back women's rights by acting like a screaming damsel in distress at the sight of a snake. Although, both Jay and Dexter seem to be acting as if they're in some kind of creature feature rather than finding one teeny tiny snake...

As if this tedious subplot hadn't taken up enough time, Arffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuur has to redirect the vicar and speak his what-middle-aged-white-men-think-young-"urban-people-speak for a while, until Pointless Poppy appears shouting that it's an emergency. So, four people to take on this snake... and no one is dead yet.

Carol is being evasive of Masood. Part two but now he has come a knocking. Yawn.

That snake in the kitchen was just shedding - predictable.

Carol tells Masood it's not him, it's her - original.

Janine and Sharon scupper Phil's plan for "Getting Hammered" night. Oh dear.

Dot drama... please, just make it stop.

Wow, there is just a WHOLE lot of nothing in this episode.

Looks like Jay sold the car to Dexter's father... whoopee.

The Dot drama continues... Dot seems to think the Bible is an unalterable guideline to morality. Best not touch that one with a bargepole and so, moving on, Dot decides to proactively crusade for morality by calling whores - and this is after the masseuse that now works in Kim's phone has been discovered and turned on... can you guess where this is going?

Count Moonula pressures Alice some more.

Consternation abounds and it's sufficient to make it sound as if Kim is saying her lines later in a totally different place for the rest of the scene and then Dot reaches into her handbag and gets bitten by the snake, which falls to the floor... People are reacting more like it's a live hand grenade or a rabid bear than a snake that you barely see. It's not even clear if this is supposed to be funny or serious... it's just... bland. Like the rest of the episode, really.

Jay makes the mistake of telling Abi that Sam bought the car and compounds the error by stilted telling her "YOU MUST NEVER TELL HIM!" Begin the countdown.