Monday 10th June 2013

So, new head Peter is now making breakfast and his father is enquiring as to what he did for the huge amount of time that has passed... what and they didn't have a single phonecall, e-mail, letter or some other form of communication at ALL?! Yeah, what a tight family - a loving son that doesn't even bother coming back when his father had a trampoid meltdown...

Dot is still fretting about  her reputation when the vicar comes a calling.

Count Moonula is accusing Alice for Janine leaving with his daughter.

It apparently took all weekend to remove less than a dozen bottles from Lauren's room - shouting ensues. What a surprise, eh? Arbitrary blame allocation ensues between Max and Tanya. Yawn.

Peter goes to the cafffffffffffffffff and it turns out that it wasn't just his family he had a communication embargo with... good grief, political prisoners in solitary confinement in China talk to more people than Peter did while he was in Devon! A monk on a vow of silence might have more successfully communicated... anyway, much as Ian did - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffur immediately assumes there was a girl.

Oh and Peter is insisting that it wasn't Ian's fault and runs up against the overwhelming blandness of Joey. DUN DUN DUN!

Dot gets her hopes up about the church warden position but nope, that's not happening... Good grief - why do we have to keep focusing on this dull as dishwater subplot?

Cora makes the shocking step of suggesting professional help for Lauren - which Tanya irrationally rejects for no reason and decides the best thing to do is CRACK DOWN.

Peter is trying to find out the state of play between his sister and father and consults Dot... who doesn't have much in the way of helpful advice to offer... no change there then and so Peter goes off on his merry way, knowing no more than he did to begin with.

Jay moans to Dexter about his selfishness.

Lauren pretends she's on the path to recovery - and inexplicably expresses surprise that her mother isn't at work...

Arffuuuuuuuuuur has apparently decided to start calling Peter "Paedo"... no need for that, Arfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuur! People have been lynched for less. Poppy idly wonders how Ian Beale managed to have three such attractive children - the same casting agent as Hollyoaks, probably. No one seems to noticed that Peter seems to have become a rugger bugger either but people in Walford are notoriously stupid... but time was, they were also notoriously ugly. Times change... but they are all still morons.

Lauren turns up doing her video documentary thing - seriously, for a project? What's she training to do? Work for the BBC! DOHOHOHOH! - and as soon as she starts talking to Peter, Joey immediately seems jealous but then he has to go and sort out a problem at the cafffffffffffffffffff. How would he know what to do, given he's been away for years.

Peter tries to play peacemaker but Ian is ultimately unapologetic about taking the money - his to take he says... morally, perhaps but legally, no. This does highlight how Ian's personality does see to regularly just change radically. Sometimes he's old Ian, sometimes he's new Ian and occasionally he's just nothing like Ian at all - or BIZARRO IAN!

Lauren doesn't get much attention at the Vic and so flounces off, thieving some booze on her way out.

Dot and Sharon have a chitchat, where Dot goes on about the church warden position some more. Oh,  who  cares? Even worse, Sharon peers at Dot through her bad yellowish fringe, like some kind of filthy beggar woman - giving her a peptalk. That's a low ebb.

Count Moonula hugs Alice but it's just to thieve her keys!

Turns out Peter feels guilty about not being there for his dear old dad and now, he and Ian are going to get everything back from Evil Lucy!

After Abi's puppy eyes guilted him earlier, Dexter is now ready to take his father's money... shame he didn't have that revelation BEFORE smashing the car, really.

Lauren is drunk and takes it out on Dot but Dot is having none of it and just tells her to go home and apparently that's what the vicar needed to make her church warden. OK! Just shut up about that damned position already! It's enough to ferment religious intolerance in the most gentle soul.

Tanya is apologising to Abi (not for the first time) for ignoring her but then, Lauren has to roll in drunk (seriously, this girl can get drunk faster than most people can down a pint) and be objectionable. Amazingly though, she DOESN'T destroy the cake on the table... this will only serve to anger the gods!

Evil Lucy has discerned there is more to Peter's return than just sorting things out, also she's not over him sleeping with her best friend over a year and a half ago...

Alice arrives to find Michael going through Janine's stuff but he leaves without too much of a fuss.

Max warns Peter off his daughter - scary - but new head Peter seems more concerned about a mysterious phonecall!

Oh and having rejected out of hand the suggestion of something as ridiculously sensible as professional help, Tanya has decided to put Lauren under house arrest. An idea so original, we saw it just a few weeks ago with a mother - Bianca, who was at the end of her tether due to tearaway teen (Liam) that she had no other recourse but to imprison him!