Friday 7th June 2013

It's Ian's big day and everything is bustling at... whatever his restaurant is called. Let's hope nothing goes... HORRIBLY WRONG!

Lauren getting an unpaid waitressing position apparently warrants congratulation from both parents - who are BOTH going to the restaurant.

Count Moonula seems suspicious of Janine's sudden change of heart...

It seems Evil Lucy has finally found out about Ian's deception - perhaps if he hadn't been spending money like it was going out of fashion, this wouldn't have been an issue? - but as this is Eastenders, has yet to put the pieces together.

Ava is not happy about Dexter trashing the car - shouting ensues.

Talking of the car, Sam gets a refund for it - highlighting what an idiot Dexter is.

Despite being a sous chef, it seems as if Jean is actually the only person in the kitchen and she's gone a little mad woman, as she is oft want to do.

Boring Masood/Carol stuff!

Jay is none too happy with Dexter about their current predicament.

Ian seems to be rather schizophrenic about the opening... moments after telling Jean to use slices to save money, he's apparently hired a VIOLINIST... couldn't they just have played classical music? Evil Lucy lambasts his spendthrift ways but somehow this will "pay for itself"... perhaps it's best we call him Bizarro Beale?

Dexter argues with Jay about his father but jokes on him, Jay has the ultimate trump card - A DEAD DAD! GAME OVER!

Ian gives a limp wristed motivational speech and Ian Beale @ Le Square is finally open! It seems as if the guests have practiced some sort of synchronised arrival, as despite a total absence of people milling around outside as soon as they let people in, the place fills up in under a minute... was there some kind of extra-dimensional waiting room?

Oh and it turns out that Lister - the much maligned market inspector - is disliked by Kim, was a regular of the whore at her B&B and is the friend of the investor that Ian needs to impress... and as it turns out, that investor is none other than the Hollyoaks refugee that fleeced Sayeed. DUN DUN DUN!

New head Bobby is doing his best to be working class - despite fitting into Walford about as well square peg into a round hole - but the exact reason for this is not explained... and then Janine and her entourage appear.

Ohoh, what's this? Jean is in the kitchen and is getting confused - this isn't going to end well, quite possibly she'll be locked in an attic before the night is over. What's more perplexing is that she SEEMS to be preparing meals but no one is actually sitting down and ordering food - they're just kind of milling and snacking. This isn't a service...

Evil Lucy is snarky to Janine which means she finds out Ian didn't get any extra money... how is she not putting this together?

Misery Guts Carol realises she's mutton dressed as lamb in the outfit that Masood got her.

Count Moonula appears and we see both Kim sneaking a drink (despite her sisters earlier insistence that she get cut off at one) and also Lauren. Then Ian goes into another limp wristed speech - where he naturally forgets to thank Jean who goes into the kitchen to sulk.

In what may well be the definition of a coup d'etat - it seems that somehow Janine has managed to have the sign changed and when it's unveiled it turns out that it's Scarlett's... DOHOHOHOHO! Naturally, he's not best pleased but then Janine tells him how things are going to be from now on. She also plays nice with Michael.

It seems our Hollyoaks refugee is now keen to make inroads with Janine - who seems to entertain the idea - but Masood is not best pleased at seeing him. The strangest thing is though, he's surprised to see Masood... yes because the last place you'd expect to see the guy is near where he lives...

Jean is getting near catatonic and it would appear the stress of working for five minutes has got Lauren just about paralytic and FINALLY someone notices, except Twitney doesn't actually DO anything despite the fact Lauren is trolleyed... nope, just watches her go out.

Brace yourself for the shocker of Lauren's comedy drunk act becoming immediately belligerent and then spilling a drink over Hollyoaks refugee. Oh but DOHOHO, turns out that he isn't even an investor! He advises people on investments - oh, says Ian maybe you can find people to invest... NOPE!

Having twirled her moustache for a sufficient period of time, she reveals she knew about Michael's game and may never return... making sure to thank Alice for the tip... Count Moonula assures Alice he'll destroy her if he doesn't see his daughter again. This just makes Alice seem really confused.

It seems as if Max and Tanya might have just finally worked out their daughter might have an alcohol problem... this is starting to feel like Groundhog Day... How many times have they worked this out only to take no action and forget? Five times now?

Evil Lucy finally confronts Ian about his thieving - which is pretty rich given the fact the only reason the caffffffffffff and the chippy are hers is because she emotionally blackmailed him into signing them over to her when he was an emotional wreck (well, more than he usually is - obviously). Fortunately, the Beale genetic uplift into the aristocracy continues as new head Peter appears sounding as if he's just back from his GAP YEAR!