Tuesday 30th April 2013

The Crayon Crew seem to be getting addicted to ponderous scenes, as tonight's episode begins with a slow scene with Michael interacting with Scarlet.

Tamwar is apparently the only person that even remember Zainab just left but things are going well for Masood as he's got the joy of potential romance with Carol Jackson to look forward to... He's understandably upset about the prospect.

Tanya is consoling her daughter about her break-up with Joey... good to see she's worried about

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED - is a warning Eastenders could do with if it's going to just plunge us straight into explicit shots of Phil and Sharon kissing. Although, it's one way to fight the obesity epidemic.

Count Moonula is planning on doing a runner.

Bianca is winding up the evil market inspector, who is being evil by... DOING HIS JOB. A hard concept for the average homo Walfordus to understand, probably. Anyway, Kat has to smooth this over with some attempted flirting, which seems to fill Lister with such disgust, he just wants to leave. Don't worry though, she apparently prepared for this by putting a sign reading "prat". A good indicator of the mental ages of the characters, if nothing else.

Detective Tanya confronts Sharon about thieving her painkillers... all we can hope is that Sharon ODs.

Half-Day Alice tries to talk Count Moonula out of his hastily conceived plan to run to Spain but he's hearing none of it.

Sharon's explanation for stealing painkillers from Tanya's bin? She gets migraines. After Tanya takes the brash step of pointing out you can buy those instead of going through someone else's bins. Which is when she shouts "I CAN'T LOSE IT!" That would imply you ever had it... Then there's a bit of an asthma attack that is probably supposed to be acting and once all the lies and "poor me" is done (don't worry, if you missed a second of it, there will certainly be at least a dozen or more opportunities to hear it all over again, word for word). Tanya being an idiot, swallows this cock and bull story.

Count Moonula's well planned escape runs afoul of the fact he waited until the last second to flee the country... and then is surprised to find Billy Idiot at the front door and Janine just coming in the back.

Having pulled the wool over the eyes of detective Tanya - which is about as hard as turning on a light switch - Sharon decides to cheer herself up with some pill popping.

As if the juvenile antics of earlier weren't enough, Lister returns to find that his reasonable requests have been complied with and then gets another prank played on him when he tries on some sunglasses that leave a mark on his face... and apparently no one told him about the sign on his back. Is this a market or an American highschool as seen on TV? Oh and she gave Lister salt in his tea instead of sugar. Hilarious.

Pointless subplot as Jay and Dexter Fletcher argue over who does the most work and resolve to find out by keeping track over the next two days. How exciting. Then the howling harridans Kat and Bianca come into cafffff seeking refuge from a justifiably irate Lister.

Misery Guts Carol asks Masood if he wants to go for a drink. THRILLING!

As Lister is an evil council worker who can do no wrong and Bianca is a stroppy mare who does nothing but bring despair and conflict to those around her, it's entirely understandable that Misery Guts Carol instantly starts threatening reporting Lister to the council when he comes in looking for Bianca - despite the fact he's just doing his job... and despite the fact you'd assume a man who has been working this job for years would be used to this, he folds like a wet behind the ears noob and runs off with his tail tucked between his legs. It just makes Carol that much easier to hate but the joke is on her as she begins hammering on the toilet door shouting "BIANCA!" only for Lister to go "Was I born yesterday?" DUN DUN DUN!

Count Moonula tells Janine how terrible raising a child is and it seems as if Janine has stopped being cartoonishly evil for a bit. Won't someone think of the children!

Lister gives the diabolical duo a piece of his mind and then in a shocking display of common sense, suspends their pitch for three weeks - just as well this is Eastenders and there will be little to no financial repercussions for two single mothers already living below the poverty line.

Back to asthma attack, uh, Sharon and having further demonstrated her moral fortitude by thieving from the till, she gets the newly appeared club mook to go and buy her drugs because apparently club employees can do that.

Michael leaves Janine with Scarlet and walks off, we know not where. Who cares... but the ranks are thinning.