Thursday 25th April 2013

Bianca tries to give Liam a peptalk about going back to school and how the Walford PD have a ring of steel in place. Also, she gets REALLY weird and creepy - in an Oedipal kind of way. Thankfully that's put to an end by a brick through the kitchen window - injuring exactly no one. This causes Liam to run out into the street and start shouting like a loon.

The Kinder Egg Kid has apparently remembered he has to attend school but he clearly wants to escape his wretched mother. Who can blame him?

Count Moonula is carping away about his current predicament re: Janine - while essentially ignoring the puppy dog eyes of Half-Day Alice who is practically swooning over him.

Ian is trying to win over Jean so he can realise his life long dream (that he's had for a couple of weeks) to open a restaurant, which requires him to get £3,400 for a deposit on the lease.

As if the nightmare fuel of last night wasn't enough - Max and The Lips giggling under the covers. That's nothing if not vomitous and unimaginably clichéd.

Oh and Sharon is moving into Phil's which seems to be an operation delegated entirely to Billy Idiot (and Sharon not lifting a finger) - funny, this never really seemed to be something that required lots of people on the dozen or so occasions she stopped living with Jack before.

Misery Guts Carol has a go at Bianca and tells her Liam should go and live with his father. Despite (or most likely because) that's the sensible thing to do, Bianca isn't going to do it. What happened about this impenetrable ring of steel provided by the blundering buffoons of Walford PD that Bianca kept talking up? Then she leaves Liam HOME ALONE! DUN DUN DUN!

A long, slow scene of Liam locking the front and back door before arming himself with a baseball bat and then to break the tedium THE PHONE RINGS! Yawn.

Some Max/Lips squabbling.

Jean tells Ian something that ironically, the Crayon Crew seem to totally ignore - mental health issues don't just go away. Funny that, Ian went from catatonic feral trampoid to fully rehabilitated with a shave, change of clothes and a bath. Oh and Jean gives Ian a big "No". Then she goes to the shop for a bit of a cry.

Misery Guts Carol frets about Liam but Kat tells her it's fine. After all, he has a phone! But what she doesn't know is that Liam is the son of Thicky and as such is imbued with superhuman idiocy. Which is why he responds to his mobile phone constantly ringing by throwing it in the bin. It's not as if you can block numbers on a phone or anything! Moments later, there's a knocking at the door and having unplugged the landline and thrown one phone in the bin, he gets ANOTHER mobile phone only to announce "IT'S DEAD!" Kind of feels as if that sentence should have ended in "Jim".

Jean gets some consolation from Shirley, who tells her Ian is a terrible person etc. etc. and of course, she can't do this AND serve customers (so much for female multi-tasking!) so, she's interrupted by King Phil asking to be served. Which allows Shirley to retort with her razor wit.

More long slow scenes with Liam, who is continuing to channel his inner moron by crouching down next to the front door - which is made of balsa wood and glass and wouldn't be able to resist more than a stiff breeze, bolted or not.

Billy Idiot is apparently now the maitre d of... Janine's property business. Eh, it makes about as much sense as any of the other idiocy on this show.

There's a note through the door and Liam bursts out. Only for the shocking reveal that IT WAS MASOOD ALL ALONG! Oh, what a relief. Then Liam has to slowwwwwwwlllly lock the front door again and sloooooooooowlllly open the airing cabinet only to find the kitchen door has suddenly closed! Then he has to  slooooooooooooooooowly open it (complete with generic creak) and somehow, DA GANG LEADER IS THERE! Did he teleport in? Regardless, he's there FOR LIAM! DUN DUN DUN!