Tuesday 16th April 2013

Sharon is smothering her son and he reacts in the most sensible way possible - running away. Which is what most people would do when they see her.

Lauren is troubled by Max not knowing about The Lips being in the family way... but sleazy slimy Max and his incomprehensible guttural tongue are nothing if not wont to prevaricate.

There are youffffffff trying to buy beer. Just as well Shirley is there to point to the CCTV.

King Phil is getting Sharon's stuff and winding up Jacknocchio. It's all Jack's fault, apparently. To be fair, most people would call it a lucky escape.

Lauren is still worrying about her mother's obliviousness to Kirstie's pregnancy.

Cora is teaching Dexter Fletcher how to play cribbage - how exciting!

Max comes clean about The Lips being in the family way to Jack for some reason.

New head Bobby makes another fleeting appearance. It seems that Ian is going to consider leasing this property - how exciting!

DA YOUFFFFFF - unaffliated with the mixed race gang that stabbed Liam with a jam sandwich, presumably - come to haunt Shirley in no-trademark-infringement-on-KFC. DUN DUN DUN!

Jack is pouting at Tanya now... good grief, you're a groan man. Deal with your problems - don't mope about.

MORE CRIBBAGE! And you thought poker was exciting.

Lauren has remembered she has a drinking problem again. Ohoh.

It seems like Dennis is the most sensible character in recent history as he has done a runner.

Shirley is pushed over the edge by DA YOUFFFFFF when they CARELESS HURL THEIR FOOD TO THE GROUND! But the action only gets more nail biting as Shirley retaliates by pouring a drink over one of them! Bringing this climactic action sequence to a close, she casually quits her job and walks out as DA YOUFFFFF sit shell shocked as the manager kisses it better. GRITTY REALISM!

Lauren has managed to get wasted in the space of thirty seconds... apparently even her body has forgotten she's an alcoholic and for once, everyone has actually got WORK to go to?! WHAT?! That is just so unrealistic! Joey seems to have realised Lauren might have a problem... and because he has the personality AND intellect of a glass of water, decides to deal with this in the laziest and stupidest way possible.

Oh and Ian and nu-Bobby are going to open a restaurant. This is almost as exciting as Shirley vs. DA YOUFFFFF! Almost. Lucy reminds him he tried this storyline a couple of weeks ago and it didn't work.

Joey has - after about twenty minute of Lauren being happy drunk - had enough! So, he just walks off. Then Lauren tells Kirstie what she should already know - that Max is a sleaze ball that will drop her at the first  sign of trouble. Something she should probably know.

Jack having found Kinder Egg Kid returns him to King Phil with a letter for Sharon... which of course she isn't going to get before he leaves Albert Square FOREVER! One down, dozens to go! He even remembers to say goodbye to his mute daughter.

Sharon has recalled her drug addiction... seems like a day for that. Oh and showing what a ridiculously and infeasibly nice guy he is, Jack is letting her have his flat while he's gone and naturally, just misses Sharon as she runs out to... say something to him. Who cares, bye bye Jacknocchio!

Tanya is concerned about her daughter's drinking problem for once! Which works out well, as Lauren spills the beans about Kirstie being preggers - just as Kirstie says she's going to get an abortion. Yawn.