Joey returns to the Vic, unaware of his failure and is congratulated by the assembled idiots - except Ian who seems to have had a relapse into mental infirmity... hopefully they'll flash up a helpline number at the end of the episode.Poxy then asks where Jack is, only to be met by howls of laughter.
The hen party rolls into the club - apparently they hadn't planned to go to the club... so, what? Another simultaneous stag/hen do in the ghost town Vic? The staff seem utterly baffled at the appearance of the hen party... which would make sense if not for the fact that this place is normally packed on Mondays! Oh and Tanya demands everyone hand over their mobiles - was that a plot point clunking onto the ground?
Phil and Jack are still trapped in the office and obviously the only person Jack can think to call is his brother. Also, still no word on why exactly this office needs to be able to lock people inside.
Probation Officer Perv is on his way but Misery Guts Carol is looking - you guessed it! - miserable. Apparently she's not going to let Bianca stop her and POP seeing one another though... now all we need to do is find out that he's married.
Bianca is having a panic attack because she saw her mother kissing someone. Kat is on hand to tell her to blow into a plastic bag... Has Kat become a simpleton as well? Or is she just suggesting Bianca asphyxiate herself? You go to some dark places, Crayon Crew.
Ian is insisting he could have kept quiet and then brings up the rather salient point of criminal law, about holding someone against his will, endangering his wedding, the potential for accidents and so on. To which the response is "'E's ON 'IS STAG!"
Phil has a whole THREE people to call - none of whom are answering... not that Jack has much to boast about and apparently they can't call the police because... y'know, King Phil is King Phil and perhaps more saliently - they're both idiots. To which Jacknocchio announces they'll have to call Sharon! DUN DUN DUN!
There's some squabbling between Lauren and Lucy and really, one has to wonder why Lucy would snipe at Lauren for things Joey said. Although, it's impossible to tell whether they're friends or enemies at any given moment, so who knows.
Max can't help his bruv because he's getting grilled by Kirstie. It has apparently taken him a while to get around to using his silver tongued grunts to win his way back into her affections.
Detective Jacknocchio finally puts the crime of the century together. "JOEY! J'ACCUSE!" He cries before using his foot to kick through the paper thin balsa wood door... Actually, you'd think a police officer would have experience kicking down doors and King Phil has a black belt in unaided demolition. Oh and showing the high levels of idiocy, Jacknocchio doesn't take a call from Ronnie.
Everyone seems to think that it's time to check on Jacknocchio and the stripper (King Phil a stripper - thanks for the mental image, Crayon Crew) but Lauren appears to accuse Joey of philandering but also mentions the hen party at the club... Causing everyone to get worried! Which apparently requires Max? But no dice as he's still having the serious conversation with The Lips.
More Phil/Jack banter. Who cares?
Bianca/Misery Guts squabble. Who cares?
The stags decide the best thing to do is trying to get the hens out - which won't arouse suspicion at all! They've also forgotten that Joey has the keys - because they're idiots. Then they notice the stripper is still loitering in the club.
King Phil brings up the baby swap... ill advised. The less said of that, the better. Also, Jack seems to be trying to prove himself to King Phil (even though he earlier questioned why he should feel the need and rightly so). Perhaps we're getting some Biblical parallels with God trying to impress Satan by messing with Job?
Dexter Fletcher goes to talk to the stripper "Siren", while Alfie tries to buy off the hens with £65... wow, that's a lot of money to throw at this kind of problem. For some reason, Sharon's plot relevance sense starts to tingle and she says "SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT!" At which point, the stripper removes her coat to reveal a fetching hot pink number that doesn't really look particularly conducive to stripping.
Kirstie whispers some lines to show us THIS IS DRAMATIC! Eh, makes a change from lines being sobbed or screamed/screeched/barked but who cares, this is going to drag on.
Bianca's reason for not wanting Carol to date Probation Officer Perv - as it turns out - is PURELY selfish.
Presumably trying to dissuade Kirstie from wanting a baby, Max reminds her that it will look like them. A truly horrifying notion. Oh and Max wants her to keep the baby... but this will drag on, given that he mentions telling the girls.
Back to the King Phil/Jacknocchio and thankfully, the tedious back and forth is broken up by some fisticuffs.
As it turns out, all of Walford has simultaneously discerned that Jack is locked in the office and then Billy Idiot turns up to tell them Phil is in there too... oh and NO ONE HAS KEYS. Well, Joey has keys but the minute it would take for him to get them from the Vic is too long to wait and so Alfie has to kick the door down!
Just as Phil and Jack are having a play fight with each other. Phil gets the phone away from Jack and plays the message from Ronnie and wouldn't you know it, he went to see her and then, spills his guts about it. Jack tries to convince Phil not to tell Sharon but before Phil can say yay or nay, the door is FINALLY broken down by Joey... after all that time and effort, it really seems as if the more sensible option would have been to actually GET the keys.
Will Phil reveal Jack's secret? Won't he? Perhaps most importantly of all, does ANYONE really care anymore?
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