Monday 8th April 2013

It looks as if Jack is realising he's getting married to a professional Miss Piggy impersonator and as if that isn't bad enough, Billy Idiot talks to him. Out of the frying pan... Oh and it's his stag do. On a Monday BECAUSE MONDAY NIGHT IS PARTY NIGHT! WOO!

For some reason Ian has been invited on the stag do... eh, they need to pad numbers given the fact no one on the Square has more than one friend.

King Phil is apparently somewhat displeased at the imminent nuptials, as he's taking it out on Dexter Fletcher and Jay - who are ALSO invited to the party.

Jacknocchio is having a "quiet" stag do. Or so he thinks! He looks as if he's about to throw up after kissing his wife-to-be... a perfectly understandable reaction. What a joke the line-up for the stag party is... Jay, Arfuuuuuuur, the barely in the show anymore (thank goodness for small mercies!) Goony, Count Moonula, Max, Ian and Joey... wow. Just wow. Forget cold feet, if your stag party has a line-up like that you're better making sure you've got the number for the Samaritans.

Oh and we've ALSO got the hen night happening on the same night... does everyone sign some kind of social contract when they enter Walford? Major functions only to be held at the Vic or club, hen nights and stag dos to be co-ordinated to be on the same day (preferably a Monday to add to the GRITTY REALISM!) Naturally, it's another line-up that would have you locking away sharp objects and reaching for a bottle to fall into.

King Phil's antagonism continues with him pointedly saying that Jack "ain't married yet" and of course, Jack is keeping what he did a secret... DUN DUN DUN! He doesn't even tell Max. Wow, that's actually... sensible.

Ohoh, there's a sign of the imminent apocalypse. Misery Guts Carol all dressed up and looking decidedly unmiserable. We'll see how long that lasts.

And apparently intent on mischief, King Phil goes to see Sharon... and it appears the Crayon Crew are trying to fit in the term "last night of freedom" as many times as humanly possible into one episode!

Jack looks about as happy as someone who managed to drop their ice cream, get a paper cut, lose their life savings and find out they've got pancreatic cancer in under a minute. To be fair, that's pretty much the kind of reaction most people would have when they realise they're less than twenty four hours away from marrying Sharon.

King Phil lingers at Sharon's place because this episode needs to be padded.

Jack continues to be irritable at the Vic as everyone else is carrying on as if drinking during the middle of a Monday is the most ordinary thing in the world. Oh and Joey is getting on Jack's nerves... wow, could it be that Joey is evolving into a one dimensional character?!

It seems as if Tanya thinks Sharon is about five years old as she insists that everyone hide... it's a hen night (or afternoon, hell it might even be morning)! Oh and Bianca is surprised to hear Ian and Denise have hooked up... eh, the fact people only ever talk to ONE friend makes it a miracle there's any gossip in Albert Square these days.

Finally, Phil gets around to telling Sharon she can't stand the idea of him being with another woman before forcing a kiss on her. SEXUAL ASSAULT! A key step in any Eastenders romance apparently because after the mandatory slap, she kisses him back... and then because Phil was born in a barn, Tanya is able to wander in through the open door and ask whether everything is OK.

Jack continues to be a grump, putting the kibosh on the strip club and then ripping into Joey - which has the side effect of getting Joey to leave. Ace.

Billy Idiot really is a good example of the Dunning-Kruger effect in action, as he goes to see Phil to ask if he wants a curry... King Phil's response is he'd rather drive to the coast and walk into the sea than face a world in which Billy Idiot's company was something he needed... at least some things never change.

Joey's bold defence of what he said is that ANY man would take the chance to cheat on their partner! Which Lucy overhears. She's suitably impressed... and really, her consternation is quite at odds with Sharon's obvious arousal (shudder) when earlier sexually assaulted by Phil... Anyway, he tells Dexter Fletcher they need to "do over" Jack. Which Dexter Fletcher is reluctant about... for about a second.

The terrifying prospect of Denise and Ian's love life is raised... but fortunately, Bianca spotting Probation Officer Perv distracts from that... which is why Misery Guts was all dolled up... and apparently POP thinks the best way to woo a woman is CONSTANTLY talking about the fact that you've both got a dead child. Eh, still better the kind of lessons Sharon is teaching any misguided girls that are watching this... but then this show does like to go out of its way to set back women's rights.

It turns out the now one dimensional Joey has stumbled onto a master plan - locking Jack and a stripper in a room. Which is aided by Max getting dragged off by an irate Kirsty. DA YOUFFFFFF then try and decide on a stripper... are they aware there's a difference between a stripper and a whore? Apparently not and Poxy needs to talk to Jack!

NIGHT HAS FALLEN! Walford just can't afford a dimmer switch, daylight just goes on and off. Which is why it's darker than midnight when Bianca marches over to her house (presumably hours after having seen Probation Officer Perv), inexplicably thinking that he's talking to his mother when she has been expressly told that he has been reassigned at his own  request and she walks in on her mother mid-kiss. If you didn't see that coming, you're legally blind.

Poor Billy Idiot - you know you're stupid when one of the Goony brother's feels he is sufficiently superior to you in intellect that he can impugn your wits. He sees DA YOUFF, acting suspiciously and works out they're going to get Jack but they outwit him by telling him to stand by the swings!

Sharon is thinking a lot about the text message from King Phil... and it's just really hard to care about anything other than her meeting a slow, agonising demise. Now, if that was a storyline - that would be worth watching! Possibly in some kind of Saw type scenario?

For once, the club is not a thriving hot spot of activity... which makes it seem even more embarrassingly lame than a pre-teen disco. Turning the music on makes Jack go into the office to tell Max where they are... and apparently three mute members of staff at the club are onboard with the criminal offence of holding someone against their will - to the point they just nod and smile when Joey asks them to not open the door even  if it's clear they want out. GRITTY REALISM!

The stripper arrives - and why exactly did it require three people to stand suspiciously outside the club to check for the stripper? - and the "plan" is set in motion but as Joey is barely able to spell his own name, it should come as no surprise that his monstrous stupidity leads to him locking Phil and Jack in, rather than Jack and the stripper/whore.

OH THE HILARITY! If only Jack was getting married to the manager or Phil was her employer. If only they could somehow contact her instantly using some means of wireless communication! If only doors in Eastenders had less resilience than balsa wood!