Thursday 11th April 2013

Phil is treasuring a picture of him and Sharon when Sharon bursts in.

Jacknocchio gives Joey a rollocking for the debacle last night and then calls Max.

King Phil is interrogated by Sharon about what he and Jack discussed last night. He isn't forthcoming - except about how he thinks Jack uses a lot of product on his hair. Oh and Sharon will never forgive him if he ruins things...

Max has to explain to Kirstie that no one really likes her... also that Jacknocchio has nerves because he's about to make the biggest mistake of his life - even bigger than converting to Islam in September of 2001.

Sharon goes to the cafffffffff, even though it's her wedding day... oh and she finds her son. Amazing she even remembers what he looks like! Sharon's phone "must be switched off", is that... A PLOT POINT!?

Ian seems to be channelling his old personality as he's dismissive of Jean - although Jean did refer to herself as a lunatic...

Tanya has taken on the impossible task of making Sharon looking presentable. President Obama may well have used an analogy about lipstick on a domesticated ungulate not changing its species and it seems fairly fitting here for a professional Miss Piggy impersonator.

Poxy has found her daughter. Her mute daughter. Alfie doesn't question why she'd be taking her over to Jack's... when Jack has the small matter of GETTING MARRIED. Or is this another game of pass the parcel? Who cares, he just comes in to draw out Jack telling Count Moonula and Max that King Phil knows he saw Ronnie.

Sharon tries to grill Pointless Poppy but that's a lot like trying to bail out a boat with a sieve. Oh and turns out that one of the disadvantages of having your wedding arranged about a week in advance is that people think you couldn't possibly be that stupid and think you wanted at least another week... so it's down to Lauren to decorate the club... because of course you'd have a wedding in the club.

Jack gets a call from Sharon to...  meet in the playground... it's supposed to be dramatic but the awe inspiring idiocy kind of detracts from any drama there might be and there isn't any because ideally, this would play out more like an episode of Casualty with Sharon being crushed under a see-saw because that's the only thing anyone should really want to happen to this holocaustically horrible character.

Shirley is the waiting staff for the wedding reception. DOHOHO! Ian isn't too pleased.

Bianca's selfishness continues with another "WAHHHHHH! ME! ME! ME!" and she shows absolutely no contrition when her mother almost immediately tells her she's going to call it off. You're no Sharon yet, Bianca... you'd really have to up your game to get there.

The dramatic meeting in the playground is... JUST SHARON ASKING JACK IF HE LOVES HER! DUN DUN DUN! This upsets King Phil's as his plans to derail the wedding have clearly gone awry!

Lauren recruits the help of The Lips Kirstie to decorate the club.

Jack is all smiles and sunshine now - the power of self-delusion and scotch. As is Sharon.

Even Lola tells King Phil not to try and talk Sharon out of her marriage. That doesn't help though.

Poxy laments her inability to tell Saint Alfie Ronnie is getting out of prison and Jacknocchio says he's not settling for Sharon... THERE'S STILL TIME, MAN! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Ian has ruined the wedding spread and must now woo Jean and Shirley.

Oh dear... it seems as if someone hasn't told Sharon she's mutton and her outfit is really more lamb but to thankfully distract from that, there looms King Phil!

Lauren and The Lips (in her Freddie Krueger hat) have somehow decorated the club in about fifteen minutes and Lauren twigs that The Lips is preggers.

It would appear the mighty King Phil has bottled it and just says congratulations to Sharon. Then Tanya tells Sharon she shouldn't marry Jack just to prove a point... someone really ought to have had that talk with Jack.

As Sharon stands next to Jack at the "altar", he says the most sensible thing he's said since this travesty began... that he can't marry her. A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE!