Monday 15th April 2013

King Phil is hiding Sharon and the son she apparently managed to remember.

Bianca is in full on gingah whingah mode while Carol tries to tell her she didn't end it with Probation Officer Perv and perhaps out of anger at the presumptuous nature of her offspring, who assumes it has been dealt with - Carol just plays along.

Apparently even the silver tongued guttural utterances of Max haven't smoothed things over with The Lips but then it's a little hard to sugar coat telling a woman to get an abortion.

Billy Idiot tells Lola that they're one step closer to getting Lexi back for good... that's jinxing it.

Sharon isn't hiding... despite the fact she's hiding. Oh and NOW her son is her priority. Took you long enough. Oh and to show what a caring person she is, she doesn't care about Jack any more and he's out of her life for good. Even her Kinder Egg kid looks disgusted by her... rightly so.

Liam is apparently housebound. For someone that apparently got stabbed, he seems to be pretty spry. Perhaps he really WAS just stabbed with a jam sandwich.

Jacknocchio needs Max to moan to. He's missing Dennis - ha, not Sharon? At least that's realistic.

Gossip abounds about aborted wedding... actually, it's about thirty seconds of filler dialogue. Yawn.

Liam is getting educated by Masood. Funny, it seemed like he'd forgotten about that.

Joey is going to run in a marathon! How exciting! And Lauren is hiding at his house and not telling him why! How exciting... no, that's a lie. It's dull, dull, dull.

Much like Kim working out that Sharon is at Phil's. Yaaaaaaaaawn.

Denise shares the news of Sharon's predictable location with Ian, who runs off... as Sharon tries to comfort her son, who can barely stand  the sight of her. Who can blame him... being Sharon's son probably means the best investment he can make is getting a mobile phone that has a default setting to call the Samaritans.

Betrayed by her son, Ian and Tanya get to talk to Sharon who is INSTANTLY more interested in talk of the gossip than anything else... What a charmer.

Parole Officer Perv turns up JUST to tell Bianca he hasn't broken up with her mother. So she instantly goes running to shout abuse at her mother. Another charmer but sorry, gingah whingah - you're not even in her league. Misery Guts Carol moans to Masood about this.

Sharon has taken umbrage at people working out that she was the reason there was no wedding... if Kim can work it out, a baby stoat could. Lots of praise for King Phil but then if you looked like Sharon and someone called you beautiful, you'd probably shower them in praise too.

Jacknocchio is attacked by Kinder Egg in the caffffffff and when Sharon appears, she almost pries him off Jack... you really are the worst.

Masood goes to talk to Parole Officer Perv and it all goes horribly wrong.

Showing he's possibly the most intelligent character in recent Eastenders history, Kinder Egg Surprise Dennis Junior has realised that his mother is quite possibly the most awful human being in all of human history and as soon as her back is turned, plans his escape from her monstrous hair extensions. FINALLY, some realism!