Tuesday 30th April 2013

The Crayon Crew seem to be getting addicted to ponderous scenes, as tonight's episode begins with a slow scene with Michael interacting with Scarlet.

Tamwar is apparently the only person that even remember Zainab just left but things are going well for Masood as he's got the joy of potential romance with Carol Jackson to look forward to... He's understandably upset about the prospect.

Tanya is consoling her daughter about her break-up with Joey... good to see she's worried about

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED - is a warning Eastenders could do with if it's going to just plunge us straight into explicit shots of Phil and Sharon kissing. Although, it's one way to fight the obesity epidemic.

Count Moonula is planning on doing a runner.

Bianca is winding up the evil market inspector, who is being evil by... DOING HIS JOB. A hard concept for the average homo Walfordus to understand, probably. Anyway, Kat has to smooth this over with some attempted flirting, which seems to fill Lister with such disgust, he just wants to leave. Don't worry though, she apparently prepared for this by putting a sign reading "prat". A good indicator of the mental ages of the characters, if nothing else.

Detective Tanya confronts Sharon about thieving her painkillers... all we can hope is that Sharon ODs.

Half-Day Alice tries to talk Count Moonula out of his hastily conceived plan to run to Spain but he's hearing none of it.

Sharon's explanation for stealing painkillers from Tanya's bin? She gets migraines. After Tanya takes the brash step of pointing out you can buy those instead of going through someone else's bins. Which is when she shouts "I CAN'T LOSE IT!" That would imply you ever had it... Then there's a bit of an asthma attack that is probably supposed to be acting and once all the lies and "poor me" is done (don't worry, if you missed a second of it, there will certainly be at least a dozen or more opportunities to hear it all over again, word for word). Tanya being an idiot, swallows this cock and bull story.

Count Moonula's well planned escape runs afoul of the fact he waited until the last second to flee the country... and then is surprised to find Billy Idiot at the front door and Janine just coming in the back.

Having pulled the wool over the eyes of detective Tanya - which is about as hard as turning on a light switch - Sharon decides to cheer herself up with some pill popping.

As if the juvenile antics of earlier weren't enough, Lister returns to find that his reasonable requests have been complied with and then gets another prank played on him when he tries on some sunglasses that leave a mark on his face... and apparently no one told him about the sign on his back. Is this a market or an American highschool as seen on TV? Oh and she gave Lister salt in his tea instead of sugar. Hilarious.

Pointless subplot as Jay and Dexter Fletcher argue over who does the most work and resolve to find out by keeping track over the next two days. How exciting. Then the howling harridans Kat and Bianca come into cafffff seeking refuge from a justifiably irate Lister.

Misery Guts Carol asks Masood if he wants to go for a drink. THRILLING!

As Lister is an evil council worker who can do no wrong and Bianca is a stroppy mare who does nothing but bring despair and conflict to those around her, it's entirely understandable that Misery Guts Carol instantly starts threatening reporting Lister to the council when he comes in looking for Bianca - despite the fact he's just doing his job... and despite the fact you'd assume a man who has been working this job for years would be used to this, he folds like a wet behind the ears noob and runs off with his tail tucked between his legs. It just makes Carol that much easier to hate but the joke is on her as she begins hammering on the toilet door shouting "BIANCA!" only for Lister to go "Was I born yesterday?" DUN DUN DUN!

Count Moonula tells Janine how terrible raising a child is and it seems as if Janine has stopped being cartoonishly evil for a bit. Won't someone think of the children!

Lister gives the diabolical duo a piece of his mind and then in a shocking display of common sense, suspends their pitch for three weeks - just as well this is Eastenders and there will be little to no financial repercussions for two single mothers already living below the poverty line.

Back to asthma attack, uh, Sharon and having further demonstrated her moral fortitude by thieving from the till, she gets the newly appeared club mook to go and buy her drugs because apparently club employees can do that.

Michael leaves Janine with Scarlet and walks off, we know not where. Who cares... but the ranks are thinning.

Monday 29th April 2013

Count Moonula looks at his child, which has apparently inherited his habit of strange looks.

Bora the Explorer has a headache and is going through the painkillers and DUN DUN DUN! The disappearance of Tanya's cancer painkillers raises suspicion, just as the dutiful mother takes time out of fretting over what her ex-husband is doing to worry about her wastrel daughter's oft forgotten alcoholism.

Billy Idiot has upgraded his polyester suit for... a slightly more expensive polyester suit to impress Ava. Meanwhile, Sharon is going through her purse because - much like Lauren - she has remembered her drug addiction!

It has taken all this time for Tanya to consider that a potential suspect for the theft of the painkillers is Lauren.

Count Moonula and Janine have - despite being potentially on the cusp of a custody battle - fallen into the Walford way of raising a baby. Which is to say playing pass the parcel with their infant. When Janine asks the reasonable question of where Half-Day Alice is... she's on a half-day! BOOM! BOOM! No, really - she actually is.

As if the sickeningly trite message of "we won" wasn't face palming enough, Kat has to repeat it too... Someone Citizen Kane being in custody has neutered the gang... you'd think, if anything, it would rile them up more but if there are two things that don't trouble Walford for any length of time, it's reality and consistency. So, this problem will just blow over. Hell, the scene might as well say "and thus concludes the gang plot and none of them were ever heard from again!"

Janine is demonstrating her inability to mother again. Meanwhile, we discover that Count Moonula wasn't really at a meeting - instead he left the baby monitor with her and he can hear how unsuited to parenting Janine is! DUN DUN DUN!  He's listening to this in a grotty cafe (not THE cafffffffffffffff) but no one seems to think that's strange.

Sharon - apparently unaware that particularly in a more deprived part of London such as Walford, that the distance to a drug dealer is comparable to the distance to a rat - has concocted an ELABORATE ruse of cake baking, predicated on the contempt of the other mums at Walford primary.

Lauren goes to Lucy - someone she could best describe as a frenemy and with whom she has repeatedly clashed over Joey's affections - to find out what happened at the pub on Friday... because an alcoholic can not just get absolutely hammered on a double vodka, they can get black out drunk.

Bianca is worried about her selling mojo... heart pounding excitement!

Sharon's ham fisted machination continues apace - despite the fact Tanya isn't the least bit interested... and really, it's pretty rude to just walk into someone's kitchen, drop down a bunch of stuff and say "WE'RE BAKING CAKES!" Not many people would tolerate that. Then just to show how stupid she is, she tries to get the drugs when Tanya is less than a metre away!

To heighten the idiocy, Sharon breaks all the eggs and then tells Tanya to go and get some more from the shop... and it's only at this point that she tells her that she's done but Sharon's opportunity to pill pop comes (or so she thinks), when Tanya goes off to confront Lauren about the disappearance of her painkillers because alcohol and painkillers GO TOGETHER GREAT! Lauren isn't too happy.

Sharon makes a hilariously poorly pantomimed search of the kitchen, before a truly risible attempt to clean the eggs on the floor leads her to find the pills in the bin and then she scurries off, leaving the kitchen for Tanya to clean up. Again - are we supposed to have anything but a seething hatred for this woman?

Cora finds Lucy telling porkies to Joey in the cafffffffffff.

Arbitration time! It's all being very reasonable but then... Janine reveals the baby monitor! DUN DUN DUN! So, she's still pursuing sole custody. Her lawyer's eyebrow deserves a shout out for an outstanding performance. Well done, eyebrow.

Bianca is being ornery on the stall... perhaps this is supposed to show how stressed she even on her best day, she's likely to shout the odds.

The happy arbitration meeting descends quickly into mud slinging, angry accusations, blame allocations and so on. Stuff we've heard before but get used to it, if this custody battle is going to be a storyline - we'll be hearing it all a hundred more times!

Heart break because the epic romance of the century is over... Joey and Lauren! Who cares. Saying Joey is a catch is like getting excited when you reel in a plastic bag. The Crayon Crew clearly think this is up there with Romeo and Juliet though... which is hilarious because Joey's showing less emotion than a person selecting a coat of emulsion, while Lauren sobs her heart out.

Tanya finds out the pills have disappeared from the bin but given it took her about ten minutes to compile a list of likely suspects the first time around, will she suspect Sharon?

Just in case you might have thought that time had softened Janine, she offers Count Moonula two options. He can see Scarlet and she won't pursue maintenance but he has to leave the house OR she pursues a lengthy legal battle to deny him ANY access (it doesn't matter how much money you throw at it, that tends to be something extremely rare) AND make him pay maintenance. Was that... a subtle critique of how Western legal systems are inherently broken and the rich can pay for justice? Nah, probably not - just Janine showing that her time away has done nothing to lessen her similarity to a female canine.

Friday 26th April 2013

It seems that Citizen Kane didn't teleport in but managed to get in through the window... don't most windows generally latch so you can't easily open then from the outside for just such a reason? Also, Citizen Kane's timing is still improbably perfect as his window of opportunity was less than a minute... Anyway, he just wants to talk to Liam... and that's enough to convince him to NOT run out the door.

Kirstie The Lips calls Max a liar... you might as well call water wet.

Count Moonula and Janine are still going around in circles while Ian moans to an indifferent Billy Idiot and then in what truly qualifies as baffling - Janine walks out to leave Billy Idiot in charge of an actual business, where he almost immediately proves he should be forcibly sterilised with something dull and rusty by attempting to appear clever and failing utterly... which means that in an episode just moments before dubbed a final showdown between Liam and Citizen Kane, we now have a comedy subplot with Ian trying to get Billy Idiot to loan him money.

The Lips rows with Max a little more about the fact he's always running off to Tanya behind her back and apparently he's had enough because when she packs his bags, he takes them and leaves... and because Max is such a catch, she almost immediately chases after him.

Citizen Kane seems to be quite taken with the sound of his own voice. Apparently getting stabbed brings people closer together but he keeps rambling on before telling Liam that he knows what he wants. Liam's instinctive reply is to look gormless and honestly plead ignorance.

In the caffffffffff, Bianca is oblivious to her son's endangerment as she makes like of her Misery Guts mother's inability to comprehend a smile. Lauren is apparently off the sauce... let's see how long that lasts. Although, she does regularly forget her alcohol problem anyway.

Turns out, Citizen Kane just wants Liam to withdraw his statement to the police and speaking of the police, the inherent pointlessness of just driving past a house is somewhat highlight by the fact they're totally oblivious to Liam's predicament... seems like Bianca should have saved her breath instead of going on and on about the impenetrable security of Walford's finest.

Somehow the world's least successful car salesman has managed to get a flat that looks bigger than about half the properties in Walford put together. Oh and despite not knowing that Max has rented this place, The Lips just strolls into someone else's house. Needless to say, this is probably not the best way to tell someone - let alone your wife - that you've purchased a flat... but The Lips swoons... and as Ava (who also just let herself in) arrives, she's none too pleased to find out who her new neighbours are.

A very confusing scene occurs between Abi and Jay that's probably setting up for the party to celebrate Jay finishing his community service (for being an accomplice to manslaughter and perverting the course of justice, no less) where Abi seems to be taking her first steps toward become a slag... they just grow up so fast... but it's all done in such an incoherent way, even Jay just sits there looking as if Abi had just suggested to him they use a bicycle made of cheese to visit the potato king on Jupiter.

WARNING! MORE MAX AND LIPS UNDER THE SHEETS! Also, the flat appears to be... half-furnished. Why would there be a sofa but not a bed?

Bianca and Kat have forgotten their stall - ah, the plight of the small  business owner. Bianca is, of course, moaning about how terrible everything is for her... because when your son gets stabbed (albeit just with a preserve) your usual reaction is "me, me, me".

Citizen Kane expounds at length (again) on how Liam needs to withdraw his statement... for a street thug, he certainly likes to make sure he has articulated a point. Anyway, perhaps knowing that Liam is a little... OK, a LOT hard of thinking - Citizen Kane if Liam is stupid but clearly not understanding the question, Liam answers in the negative... Threats against Liam's family and then out of nowhere, Liam grows a spine and sees that Citizen Kane was a great film but not a very nice person and goes on to say he won't retract his statement.

We then find out CITIZEN KANE HAS A KNIFE! Goodness, what a surprise. Someone clearly decided they wanted to get fancy because we get a series of interlaced shows of things going on around the Square as Liam takes about five minutes to open the front door... and apparently Citizen Kane is all about being a good sport because he only waits until the last possible second to chase after him by which point even the sloth like and fumbling Liam has managed to unlock the door... and instead of just stabbing him, he just pushes him up against a wall...

Just before an incoherently screaming ginger ball of fury bursts through the door and knocks Citizen Kane off his feet... you could say this was down to a mother's desire to protect but this is pretty much a normal day for the ginger whinger and her blood curdling scream brings in Massood, Misery Guts and a random glazier to restrain Citizen Kane and call the fuzz.

Janine shows how not very good she is at being a mother before absconding from the community centre like someone fleeing the scene of a crime.

It seems that someone has set Lucy from good to evil as she gets Tracy (WHO GETS A LINE! HUZZAH!) to put vodka in Lauren's lemonade. DUN DUN DUN!

Meanwhile, Ian tries to convince Billy Idiot of the merits of his restaurant plan... and in what should convince him to quit while he's behind, Billy has managed to get one over on him... although quite why Ian would think that Janine would allow a substantial expenditure to be made without her suggests perhaps he should just give up now.

Citizen Kane and Bianca exchange meaningful looks as he's hauled off and apparently enduring this ordeal has convinced Bianca to call Thicky and unload Liam on him.

Despite an intermittent alcohol problem, it seems that a double vodka is enough to get Lauren STEAMING and in the space of about five minutes, no less. How is she not TASTING the vodka? Anyway, she starts being obnoxiously outspoken as everyone just sits there, seemingly not too offended - although Joey doesn't want to show his six-pack... That seems unfair... the audience has to endure repeated displays of affection between the Square's ugliest men and Joey starts getting skittish when asked to briefly expose his midriff? Do the Crayon Crew have a fetish for the grotesque? After a particularly ill judged remark about 'Evvvvv's death (and it's a miracle anyone even remembers), the party disperses and Joey decides they're over. For really reals this time and gets about as emotional as a smoked kipper... and Lucy gives an evil smirk as she leaves! DUN DUN DUN!

Another job of speed jacking and Liam is off to live with his father but oh no, HE LEFT HIS CAP! Bianca confusingly shouts "we won" to him as he walks off grinning. OK, let's see... it's likely that Liam would be a gibbering wreck given his previous behaviour and how exactly is him fleeing Walford a "win"? Yes, they really showed those bullies who was boss by running away. Don't try and pretend this was a happy ending, Crayon Crew. It most manifestly wasn't, it was clearly a case of the bad guys winning - your attempts to make it some kind of feel good thing is at best contemptible and at worst downright offensive.

Thursday 25th April 2013

Bianca tries to give Liam a peptalk about going back to school and how the Walford PD have a ring of steel in place. Also, she gets REALLY weird and creepy - in an Oedipal kind of way. Thankfully that's put to an end by a brick through the kitchen window - injuring exactly no one. This causes Liam to run out into the street and start shouting like a loon.

The Kinder Egg Kid has apparently remembered he has to attend school but he clearly wants to escape his wretched mother. Who can blame him?

Count Moonula is carping away about his current predicament re: Janine - while essentially ignoring the puppy dog eyes of Half-Day Alice who is practically swooning over him.

Ian is trying to win over Jean so he can realise his life long dream (that he's had for a couple of weeks) to open a restaurant, which requires him to get £3,400 for a deposit on the lease.

As if the nightmare fuel of last night wasn't enough - Max and The Lips giggling under the covers. That's nothing if not vomitous and unimaginably clichéd.

Oh and Sharon is moving into Phil's which seems to be an operation delegated entirely to Billy Idiot (and Sharon not lifting a finger) - funny, this never really seemed to be something that required lots of people on the dozen or so occasions she stopped living with Jack before.

Misery Guts Carol has a go at Bianca and tells her Liam should go and live with his father. Despite (or most likely because) that's the sensible thing to do, Bianca isn't going to do it. What happened about this impenetrable ring of steel provided by the blundering buffoons of Walford PD that Bianca kept talking up? Then she leaves Liam HOME ALONE! DUN DUN DUN!

A long, slow scene of Liam locking the front and back door before arming himself with a baseball bat and then to break the tedium THE PHONE RINGS! Yawn.

Some Max/Lips squabbling.

Jean tells Ian something that ironically, the Crayon Crew seem to totally ignore - mental health issues don't just go away. Funny that, Ian went from catatonic feral trampoid to fully rehabilitated with a shave, change of clothes and a bath. Oh and Jean gives Ian a big "No". Then she goes to the shop for a bit of a cry.

Misery Guts Carol frets about Liam but Kat tells her it's fine. After all, he has a phone! But what she doesn't know is that Liam is the son of Thicky and as such is imbued with superhuman idiocy. Which is why he responds to his mobile phone constantly ringing by throwing it in the bin. It's not as if you can block numbers on a phone or anything! Moments later, there's a knocking at the door and having unplugged the landline and thrown one phone in the bin, he gets ANOTHER mobile phone only to announce "IT'S DEAD!" Kind of feels as if that sentence should have ended in "Jim".

Jean gets some consolation from Shirley, who tells her Ian is a terrible person etc. etc. and of course, she can't do this AND serve customers (so much for female multi-tasking!) so, she's interrupted by King Phil asking to be served. Which allows Shirley to retort with her razor wit.

More long slow scenes with Liam, who is continuing to channel his inner moron by crouching down next to the front door - which is made of balsa wood and glass and wouldn't be able to resist more than a stiff breeze, bolted or not.

Billy Idiot is apparently now the maitre d of... Janine's property business. Eh, it makes about as much sense as any of the other idiocy on this show.

There's a note through the door and Liam bursts out. Only for the shocking reveal that IT WAS MASOOD ALL ALONG! Oh, what a relief. Then Liam has to slowwwwwwwlllly lock the front door again and sloooooooooowlllly open the airing cabinet only to find the kitchen door has suddenly closed! Then he has to  slooooooooooooooooowly open it (complete with generic creak) and somehow, DA GANG LEADER IS THERE! Did he teleport in? Regardless, he's there FOR LIAM! DUN DUN DUN!

Tuesday 23rd April 2013

Guess who's at the club? JANINE! She's clearly making up for lost time - also, she's actually taking an INTEREST in her business! Good grief. That does rather beg the question of why she had her property business boarded up during her absence but the less logic the better!

Masood is STILL supplying the caffffffffff with curry because he has bags of time between his job as a postman, tutoring Liam and having a life of his own... and he's trying to impress Carol. Remember that subplot?

Speaking of subplots, remember how Liam's truancy was an issue that threatened to get Bianca sent back to jail? The Crayon Crew don't because he's helping on the stall.

Janine and Sharon are already rubbing each other up the wrong way as Janine wants to see the accounts. The accounts for March... it's almost the end of April! Not to mention that with the club getting about eight people in a week, it's probably not exactly a difficult task.

Kat is giving Count Moonula a peptalk on how they won't make him hand over Scarlet to Janine... yes, Kat is the first port of call when it comes to legal expertise. That's probably why she didn't bother with a solicitor!

More friction between Masood and Carol - perhaps it's about to erupt into passion... because it's not as if he  snubbed her for a younger and more attractive girl before and she has a thing with Parole Officer Perv... oops, that would be logic again, wouldn't it?

Sharon moans about Janine's return to Phil like a petulant child but when he suggests confronting Janine, she says no... yes because you've clearly got this TOTALLY under control!

Awkward scene with Dexter Fletcher and Cora!

Tiff has received an MP3 player but from WHO?!

Count Moonula is consulting with a lawyer! Ohoh, turns out Janine might have rights. This comes to something of a shock to Michael.

Ian is staring forlornly at the emporium... good grief, this storyline is dull.

Liam manages to coerce his sister into revealing that the MP3 player came from someone in... DA GANG! DUN DUN DUN!

Count Moonula's lawyer tells him that the best thing to do is mediation and that going to court will cost thousands, even tens of thousands... and having barely enough money to pay a babysitter, he's very keen to pursue a lengthy and costly legal action because he's kind of an idiot like that.

Jean is apparently channelling the savant aspect of her mental illness today as Phil has recruited her to do the accounts for Sharon. Oh and Sharon has realised she's a terrible moment but instead of agreeing with her, Phil advances his plan to marry her by mollycoddling.

Liam comes clean about getting death threats.

Masood grovels to Carol, which apparently works. Michael lies to Kat by saying everything is OK with the lawyers.

King Phil's wooing of Sharon seems to be going well. Which is bad news for anyone that just had their tea as the gruesome twosome share not one but two kisses. Phil repeats the old "we were meant to be together" schtick - because obviously it sounds a lot better the hundredth time...

Liam wants to go and live with Thicky to avoid DA GANG - seems pretty sensible, really.

Another awkward Dexter Fletcher and Cora scene!

Janine notes that Kat isn't qualified to offer legal advice - finally, someone noticed!

Bianca seems to have an incredibly misplaced belief in the competence of the Walford PD... A police department so chronically incompetent, that they aspire to catch a cold....

Sharon (and her hair) turns up at Phil's doorstep to give us a truly stomach churning display followed by nightmare fuel. DON'T HAVE NIGHTMARES!

Monday 22nd April 2013

Being a multi-millionaire who has alienated everyone in Walford and has no reason to go to that third world slum, no one should be surprised that Janine is still hanging around.

Kirstie is being coy about the announcement of her pregnancy - what with not being pregnant.

Liam is going back to school but has had a text from his father. DUN DUN DUN!

Count Moonula seems to be in denial about Janine's return... meanwhile Billy Idiot is hiding from her.

Joey's exciting London marathon storyline comes to a climactic conclusion! Lauren forgot he was doing it! Who can blame her, it got a whopping one mention before this.

The painful "Shirley working in the shop" storyline grinds on, like a glacier over a mountain... For some reason, having worked in what is arguably a far more dehumanising job at we-promise-this-isn't-KFC - she seems very recalcitrant for a job that was given to her on sufferance but then she has to suffer the indignity of Billy Idiot making fun of her as he tries to impress Ava. He makes the strange observation that she isn't at school - people not being at their work is pretty much the status quo! Apparently she still has lots of marking to do... yes, primary schools are well known for the vast quantities of marking.

Janine tracks down Billy Idiot who - despite no visible means of support - turns down her job.

Kirstie's infallible plan is... wait for it... TO GET PREGNANT! And then Kat plays a little pass the parcel

Liam seems to be having a bit of anxiety - probably due to getting stabbed with a jam sandwich but fortunately Ray is on hand to reassure him.

Clearly a glutton for punishment, Janine goes to try and make amends with Lola... clearly she stopped by Walford General for a personality transplant on the way back. Oh and she feels terrible about Lexi being taken away from Lola.

Abi finds out about the fake pregnancy! She is not best played.

For some reason we're subject to a random interlude of Saint Alfie entertaining Tommy and Amy, which is positively eerie as Tommy laughs loudly while Amy sits there utterly mute.

Being someone perpetually impoverished, Billy Idiot lives up to his namesake and throws Janine's money back in her face. Smooth move!

Abi has a go at her mother. She is quite unhappy about this whole baby thing... given that her parents have been estranged NUMEROUS times, to the point of BOTH marrying other people - this seems like a truly bizarre reaction to have.

Liam is punching a punching bag very hard! DUN DUN DUN!

Janine does a "poor me" and for reasons she doesn't explain, she needs Billy Idiot to get her baby back.

Things between Lauren and Joey are still on the rocks because she missed him at the marathon and there relationship seemed so involved beforehand!

A peptalk from Jay and Abi is OK with Kirstie being preggers and then she announces to the whole Vic that she's in the family way. Oh and this totally smooths everything over between Joey and Lauren - thank goodness! Poxy is inspired to get preggers too. That's just what the Square needs - more kids.

Oh and we get ANOTHER threat from Janine about getting her baby back to Michael... which would be slightly more dramatic if not for the fact she already made that exact same threat on Friday. Also, why does Michael seem to think she can't do anything? There's a huge institutional bias against fathers taking custody and it's a sad fact that the legal system disportionately favours the wealthy and Michael hasn't two pennies to rub together. So, really... there's a lot Janine can do.

It also appears that DA GANG are very thoughtful as they waited for Liam to get out of hospital before they started sending him death threats. Again, a fantastic example of poor pacing. How many weeks ago was the gang storyline? And this is the first hint of it since then. All credit to the Crayon Crew though, they really have nailed a way of removing any drama or suspense from storylines.

Friday 19th April 2013

Janine remembers that she owns the house! Also, that she had a baby but uhoh - THERE'S KAT!

Tanya is "havering" a go at Max, whose response is about as comprehensible as the gruntings of a pig. Or was that his brother. Oh and Kirstie is packing her bags. About time.

Janine sounds as if - despite being a moneybags - hasn't got her laryngitis dealt with. It seems worse... actually, she seems to be doing a bit of an impersonation of Sharon. Not a good move. Oh and they're waffling about their unhappy family status. Hard to care.

Goodness, Tanya and Max (how does Manya sound?) bring up the prospect of getting back together. WHO CARES?! It's dull, dull, dull. We've had this happen a thousand times before and that's rounding down!

Kat rumbles The Lips plan to leave because she's an idiot and bought one of those suitcases that just randomly opens at inopportune moments.

Oh dear, it's one of these episodes. There isn't going to be a lot to say. Max got Kirstie to get an abortion because - wait for it - HE STILL LOVES TANYA. In other news, water is still wet.

Janine was suffering from prenatal depression. Oh, not just her being a colossal bitch then. Boooooooring.

Oh, The Lips was lying about being preggers the whole time. Who cares?

Which makes Tanya berating Max about forcing The Lips to get an abortion almost comical... except they bring up the whole thing where Bradley (strong armed by Max) convinced Stacy to get an abortion. That had a happy ending though... oh, wait. It ended in Bradley's death. Even referencing that makes it REALLY hard to give a damn but then, this entire show struggles to evoke any kind of care for the characters because they're all such flimsy cut-outs.

The Lips lied about being preggers because she magically knew that Max and Tanya are the relationship equivalent of Sisyphus in Hades. Then Max wanders over and says THEY NEED TO TALK.

Another long and interminable talk between Janine and Count Moonula. Yawn.

Max apologises for forcing The Lips to get an abortion. She could at least apologise for stealing a child's hula hoop and wearing it! Instead she just says she's happy.

Oh and Janine has come to steal her baby back from Count Moonula. Try and get excited about that... actually, don't. It's impossible because it's so dull. Like this entire episode.

Thursday 18th April 2013

Kat spies on Count Moonula doting on his child - surprisingly she's not here to play pass the parcel with her child. Max walks by just as Kat is leaving and says Jacknocchio has gone away, leaving poor Count Moonula to run the warehouse/gym because that's a lot of work!

Lauren reassures Tanya that Max is going to tell her about Kirstie's baby... Sure he will. Juxtaposed with Kirstie having decided on the abortion! Yawn.

Pointless Poppy and Half-Day Alice are in the shop - guess what? TODAY IS HER HALF-DAY! Oh and she has a crush on someone - who could it POSSIBLY be?

More build up to Tanya confronting Max about The Lips being preggers - yawn!

King Phil is not best pleased about Sharon leaving. Yawn.

Pointless Poppy and Half-Day Alice continue to talk... and really, relationship advice from Pointless Poppy?

Kat finds out about Kirstie's abortion... boooooooooring.

The most improbable story development ever - Max has a punter coming to look "ATTAMOTAAAAH!" Tanya is not pleased that Max doesn't come clean.

Ian needs a peptalk from Denise to realise he should talk to Lucy or better yet, show her he's not still a jibbering wreck. Oh and the "hilarious" subplot with Shirley working at the shop continues... Wait, didn't we have Denise telling us she couldn't hire her mates just a few weeks ago? Guess the Crayon Crew forgot that.

Half-Day Alice seems to think Count Moonula likes her, as mere moments after Pointless Poppy told her that guys buying gifts is a sign of affection. Toe curling awfulness ensues as she attempts to seduce the Count... oh dear.

"Deni" aka the Kinder Egg Kid still can't stand the sight of Sharon and pines for Jack... it's sad when Jack is the better option. Sharon shows what a class act she is by shouting at the son she has pretty much totally forgotten for the past six months.

The "hilarity" of Denise and Shirley working together continues and life seems that much less worth living because of it. Oh and Ian has a plan to open his restaurant! How exciting - less edge of the seat and more face down in the soup.

Count Moonula wipes away Half-Day Alice's tears metaphorically.

Ian's plan is derailed with one casual dismal. OHNOES!

Sharon has clocked that KEK hates her guts and is telling Tanya over a glass of wine, which leads Tanya to the conclusion all men are liars and need to be confronted. Yes, liars like Greg who was probably just about the only decent human being to ever exist in Walford. Anyway, this leads to her running off to confront Max while butter fingers Sharon manages to somehow simulanteously drop a wine glass AND cut herself... that's the kind of thing you'd really need to try to be malcoordinated enough to do and OH NO! SHARON HAS REMEMBERED SHE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM! Fingers crossed for an OD.

FINALLY Tanya confronts Max about The Lips being preggers... and it appears that it's another case of THE SUDDEN ONSET OF NIGHT! But we're spared tedium because over at Count Moonula's JANINE HAS RETURNED! DUN DUN DUN! Oh and of course, it being her house - she rings the doorbell (even though she has keys) and is facing away from the door, purely so she can do a dramatic reveal. It might have taken the wind from her sails if someone else had answered the door.

Tuesday 16th April 2013

Sharon is smothering her son and he reacts in the most sensible way possible - running away. Which is what most people would do when they see her.

Lauren is troubled by Max not knowing about The Lips being in the family way... but sleazy slimy Max and his incomprehensible guttural tongue are nothing if not wont to prevaricate.

There are youffffffff trying to buy beer. Just as well Shirley is there to point to the CCTV.

King Phil is getting Sharon's stuff and winding up Jacknocchio. It's all Jack's fault, apparently. To be fair, most people would call it a lucky escape.

Lauren is still worrying about her mother's obliviousness to Kirstie's pregnancy.

Cora is teaching Dexter Fletcher how to play cribbage - how exciting!

Max comes clean about The Lips being in the family way to Jack for some reason.

New head Bobby makes another fleeting appearance. It seems that Ian is going to consider leasing this property - how exciting!

DA YOUFFFFFF - unaffliated with the mixed race gang that stabbed Liam with a jam sandwich, presumably - come to haunt Shirley in no-trademark-infringement-on-KFC. DUN DUN DUN!

Jack is pouting at Tanya now... good grief, you're a groan man. Deal with your problems - don't mope about.

MORE CRIBBAGE! And you thought poker was exciting.

Lauren has remembered she has a drinking problem again. Ohoh.

It seems like Dennis is the most sensible character in recent history as he has done a runner.

Shirley is pushed over the edge by DA YOUFFFFFF when they CARELESS HURL THEIR FOOD TO THE GROUND! But the action only gets more nail biting as Shirley retaliates by pouring a drink over one of them! Bringing this climactic action sequence to a close, she casually quits her job and walks out as DA YOUFFFFF sit shell shocked as the manager kisses it better. GRITTY REALISM!

Lauren has managed to get wasted in the space of thirty seconds... apparently even her body has forgotten she's an alcoholic and for once, everyone has actually got WORK to go to?! WHAT?! That is just so unrealistic! Joey seems to have realised Lauren might have a problem... and because he has the personality AND intellect of a glass of water, decides to deal with this in the laziest and stupidest way possible.

Oh and Ian and nu-Bobby are going to open a restaurant. This is almost as exciting as Shirley vs. DA YOUFFFFF! Almost. Lucy reminds him he tried this storyline a couple of weeks ago and it didn't work.

Joey has - after about twenty minute of Lauren being happy drunk - had enough! So, he just walks off. Then Lauren tells Kirstie what she should already know - that Max is a sleaze ball that will drop her at the first  sign of trouble. Something she should probably know.

Jack having found Kinder Egg Kid returns him to King Phil with a letter for Sharon... which of course she isn't going to get before he leaves Albert Square FOREVER! One down, dozens to go! He even remembers to say goodbye to his mute daughter.

Sharon has recalled her drug addiction... seems like a day for that. Oh and showing what a ridiculously and infeasibly nice guy he is, Jack is letting her have his flat while he's gone and naturally, just misses Sharon as she runs out to... say something to him. Who cares, bye bye Jacknocchio!

Tanya is concerned about her daughter's drinking problem for once! Which works out well, as Lauren spills the beans about Kirstie being preggers - just as Kirstie says she's going to get an abortion. Yawn.

Monday 15th April 2013

King Phil is hiding Sharon and the son she apparently managed to remember.

Bianca is in full on gingah whingah mode while Carol tries to tell her she didn't end it with Probation Officer Perv and perhaps out of anger at the presumptuous nature of her offspring, who assumes it has been dealt with - Carol just plays along.

Apparently even the silver tongued guttural utterances of Max haven't smoothed things over with The Lips but then it's a little hard to sugar coat telling a woman to get an abortion.

Billy Idiot tells Lola that they're one step closer to getting Lexi back for good... that's jinxing it.

Sharon isn't hiding... despite the fact she's hiding. Oh and NOW her son is her priority. Took you long enough. Oh and to show what a caring person she is, she doesn't care about Jack any more and he's out of her life for good. Even her Kinder Egg kid looks disgusted by her... rightly so.

Liam is apparently housebound. For someone that apparently got stabbed, he seems to be pretty spry. Perhaps he really WAS just stabbed with a jam sandwich.

Jacknocchio needs Max to moan to. He's missing Dennis - ha, not Sharon? At least that's realistic.

Gossip abounds about aborted wedding... actually, it's about thirty seconds of filler dialogue. Yawn.

Liam is getting educated by Masood. Funny, it seemed like he'd forgotten about that.

Joey is going to run in a marathon! How exciting! And Lauren is hiding at his house and not telling him why! How exciting... no, that's a lie. It's dull, dull, dull.

Much like Kim working out that Sharon is at Phil's. Yaaaaaaaaawn.

Denise shares the news of Sharon's predictable location with Ian, who runs off... as Sharon tries to comfort her son, who can barely stand  the sight of her. Who can blame him... being Sharon's son probably means the best investment he can make is getting a mobile phone that has a default setting to call the Samaritans.

Betrayed by her son, Ian and Tanya get to talk to Sharon who is INSTANTLY more interested in talk of the gossip than anything else... What a charmer.

Parole Officer Perv turns up JUST to tell Bianca he hasn't broken up with her mother. So she instantly goes running to shout abuse at her mother. Another charmer but sorry, gingah whingah - you're not even in her league. Misery Guts Carol moans to Masood about this.

Sharon has taken umbrage at people working out that she was the reason there was no wedding... if Kim can work it out, a baby stoat could. Lots of praise for King Phil but then if you looked like Sharon and someone called you beautiful, you'd probably shower them in praise too.

Jacknocchio is attacked by Kinder Egg in the caffffffff and when Sharon appears, she almost pries him off Jack... you really are the worst.

Masood goes to talk to Parole Officer Perv and it all goes horribly wrong.

Showing he's possibly the most intelligent character in recent Eastenders history, Kinder Egg Surprise Dennis Junior has realised that his mother is quite possibly the most awful human being in all of human history and as soon as her back is turned, plans his escape from her monstrous hair extensions. FINALLY, some realism!

Friday 12th April 2013

Jacknocchio has done the sensible thing and said he doesn't want to marry Sharon. So, she drags him to the office to give him a pep talk. Apparently he was the driving force behind the relationship... uhuh. Anyway, lots of begging and pleading and telling him it's just nerves before Jack finally admits he saw Ronnie and full to bursting with hypocrisy, Sharon turns nasty about him keeping secrets but apparently he doesn't love her like he loved Ronnie... finally, some realism!

Max and Tanya stand outside the door navel gazing and Lauren seems to have remembered she has an alcohol problem... these things are well known for just coming and going. Like Sharon's substance abuse or Phil's crack habit.

The rest of the guests discuss the upset, complete with Kalfie playing pass the parcel with their son.

Jack is about to go and tell the registrar it's over but Sharon points out even if they're not true love, they should just settle. Then goes on to tell a pack of lies about how they get on, look after each other and all the other thing she hasn't even come CLOSE to doing.

Phil is nursing a glass of orange juice in the Vic while Shirley taunts him with wedding music...

Then Sharon has a strop because Jack is still calling it off, going so far as to insist he can't take his daughter home because he isn't leaving until she says he can... marry her? It's a miracle he didn't dissect her!

Count Moonula lets slip of Ronnie's imminent release to Saint Alfie... ruhroh!

The fashion nightmare that is Sharon addresses everyone and tells them the wedding is off, which confuses her freakish Kinderegg son. Mad Jean bursts in with platters of food and before Jacknocchio can dismiss her, Sharon insists that they're going to have a party! In the kind of way that suggests sharp objects should be locked up.

Ian and Denise romance. It seems as if everyone on the Square is disgusted by this tryst.

Tanya takes some time out from just standing around to express one word of concern for her part-time alcoholic of a daughter. Wouldn't it be better to say that to your daughter than your ex-husband?

It turns out Alfie went to give Kat an earful about not telling him about Ronnie... And he's putting an end to their game of pass the parcel! Then to show what kind of woman she is, Kat tries to put all the blame on Poxy. You're a real class act.

The increasingly terrifying looking Sharon is acting even crazier than a professional Miss Piggy impersonator should... oh and Denise catches the bouquet.

King Phil finally finds out about the wedding going horribly wrong!

For some reason, Lauren is being sick out in the alley... which prompts The Lips to demand that Max reveal her pregnancy, Max naturally delays but she threatens to go in and tell Tanya herself... but Max can't do that as Sharon's crazy begins warranting a K and with that, Jack decides to scarper - which causes little Kinderegg boy to get all upset. Everyone else looks on at the car crash.

King Phil doesn't seem to take any solace in seeing Jack leaving the wedding unmarried - as it was Jack that called it off.

Saint Alfie has a bit of a cry about Tommy's abduction. Seriously, the baby swap debacle was awful. The less said about that disaster the better. Let's hope we won't have to have it haunt us any longer.

Max and Tanya seem pretty unconcerned about their daughter's rampant alcoholism.

Sharon hits rock bottom when Jean, channelling her village idiot persona, attempts to console her. That's the kind of low you don't bounce back from. She then stands in the club and switches all the lights off. DUN DUN DUN!

Max hasn't told Tanya that The Lips is preggers. DUN DUN DUN! Then he says it's not the right time! DUN DUN DUN! Finally he tells her it's time to get an abortion. Oh, well... that's an anti-climax.

And just in case you didn't realise Sharon was a shallow, hypocritical whore... she ends up going to see Phil for the DOOF DOOF.

Thursday 11th April 2013

Phil is treasuring a picture of him and Sharon when Sharon bursts in.

Jacknocchio gives Joey a rollocking for the debacle last night and then calls Max.

King Phil is interrogated by Sharon about what he and Jack discussed last night. He isn't forthcoming - except about how he thinks Jack uses a lot of product on his hair. Oh and Sharon will never forgive him if he ruins things...

Max has to explain to Kirstie that no one really likes her... also that Jacknocchio has nerves because he's about to make the biggest mistake of his life - even bigger than converting to Islam in September of 2001.

Sharon goes to the cafffffffff, even though it's her wedding day... oh and she finds her son. Amazing she even remembers what he looks like! Sharon's phone "must be switched off", is that... A PLOT POINT!?

Ian seems to be channelling his old personality as he's dismissive of Jean - although Jean did refer to herself as a lunatic...

Tanya has taken on the impossible task of making Sharon looking presentable. President Obama may well have used an analogy about lipstick on a domesticated ungulate not changing its species and it seems fairly fitting here for a professional Miss Piggy impersonator.

Poxy has found her daughter. Her mute daughter. Alfie doesn't question why she'd be taking her over to Jack's... when Jack has the small matter of GETTING MARRIED. Or is this another game of pass the parcel? Who cares, he just comes in to draw out Jack telling Count Moonula and Max that King Phil knows he saw Ronnie.

Sharon tries to grill Pointless Poppy but that's a lot like trying to bail out a boat with a sieve. Oh and turns out that one of the disadvantages of having your wedding arranged about a week in advance is that people think you couldn't possibly be that stupid and think you wanted at least another week... so it's down to Lauren to decorate the club... because of course you'd have a wedding in the club.

Jack gets a call from Sharon to...  meet in the playground... it's supposed to be dramatic but the awe inspiring idiocy kind of detracts from any drama there might be and there isn't any because ideally, this would play out more like an episode of Casualty with Sharon being crushed under a see-saw because that's the only thing anyone should really want to happen to this holocaustically horrible character.

Shirley is the waiting staff for the wedding reception. DOHOHO! Ian isn't too pleased.

Bianca's selfishness continues with another "WAHHHHHH! ME! ME! ME!" and she shows absolutely no contrition when her mother almost immediately tells her she's going to call it off. You're no Sharon yet, Bianca... you'd really have to up your game to get there.

The dramatic meeting in the playground is... JUST SHARON ASKING JACK IF HE LOVES HER! DUN DUN DUN! This upsets King Phil's as his plans to derail the wedding have clearly gone awry!

Lauren recruits the help of The Lips Kirstie to decorate the club.

Jack is all smiles and sunshine now - the power of self-delusion and scotch. As is Sharon.

Even Lola tells King Phil not to try and talk Sharon out of her marriage. That doesn't help though.

Poxy laments her inability to tell Saint Alfie Ronnie is getting out of prison and Jacknocchio says he's not settling for Sharon... THERE'S STILL TIME, MAN! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Ian has ruined the wedding spread and must now woo Jean and Shirley.

Oh dear... it seems as if someone hasn't told Sharon she's mutton and her outfit is really more lamb but to thankfully distract from that, there looms King Phil!

Lauren and The Lips (in her Freddie Krueger hat) have somehow decorated the club in about fifteen minutes and Lauren twigs that The Lips is preggers.

It would appear the mighty King Phil has bottled it and just says congratulations to Sharon. Then Tanya tells Sharon she shouldn't marry Jack just to prove a point... someone really ought to have had that talk with Jack.

As Sharon stands next to Jack at the "altar", he says the most sensible thing he's said since this travesty began... that he can't marry her. A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE!

Tuesday 9th April 2013

Joey returns to the Vic, unaware of his failure and is congratulated by the assembled idiots - except Ian who seems to have had a relapse into mental infirmity... hopefully they'll flash up a helpline number at the end of the episode.Poxy then asks where Jack is, only to be met by howls of laughter.

The hen party rolls into the club - apparently they hadn't planned to go to the club... so, what? Another simultaneous stag/hen do in the ghost town Vic? The staff seem utterly baffled at the appearance of the hen party... which would make sense if not for the fact that this place is normally packed on Mondays! Oh and Tanya demands everyone hand over their mobiles - was that a plot point clunking onto the ground?

Phil and Jack are still trapped in the office and obviously the only person Jack can think to call is his brother. Also, still no word on why exactly this office needs to be able to lock people inside.

Probation Officer Perv is on his way but Misery Guts Carol is looking - you guessed it! - miserable. Apparently she's not going to let Bianca stop her and POP seeing one another though... now all we need to do is find out that he's married.

Bianca is having a panic attack because she saw her mother kissing someone. Kat is on hand to tell her to blow into a plastic bag... Has Kat become a simpleton as well? Or is she just suggesting Bianca asphyxiate herself? You go to some dark places, Crayon Crew.

Ian is insisting he could have kept quiet and then brings up the rather salient point of criminal law, about holding someone against his will, endangering his wedding, the potential for accidents and so on. To which the response is "'E's ON 'IS STAG!"

Phil has a whole THREE people to call - none of whom are answering... not that Jack has much to boast about and apparently they can't call the police because... y'know, King Phil is King Phil and perhaps more saliently - they're both idiots. To which Jacknocchio announces they'll have to call Sharon! DUN DUN DUN!

There's some squabbling between Lauren and Lucy and really, one has to wonder why Lucy would snipe at Lauren for things Joey said. Although, it's impossible to tell whether they're friends or enemies at any given moment, so who knows.

Max can't help his bruv because he's getting grilled by Kirstie. It has apparently taken him a while to get around to using his silver tongued grunts to win his way back into her affections.

Detective Jacknocchio finally puts the crime of the century together. "JOEY! J'ACCUSE!" He cries before using his foot to kick through the paper thin balsa wood door... Actually, you'd think a police officer would have experience kicking down doors and King Phil has a black belt in unaided demolition. Oh and showing the high levels of idiocy, Jacknocchio doesn't take a call from Ronnie.

Everyone seems to think that it's time to check on Jacknocchio and the stripper (King Phil a stripper - thanks for the mental image, Crayon Crew) but Lauren appears to accuse Joey of philandering but also mentions the hen party at the club... Causing everyone to get worried! Which apparently requires Max? But no dice as he's still having the serious conversation with The Lips.

More Phil/Jack banter. Who cares?

Bianca/Misery Guts squabble. Who cares?

The stags decide the best thing to do is trying to get the hens out - which won't arouse suspicion at all! They've also forgotten that Joey has the keys - because they're idiots. Then they notice the stripper is still loitering in the club.

King Phil brings up the baby swap... ill advised. The less said of that, the better. Also, Jack seems to be trying to prove himself to King Phil (even though he earlier questioned why he should feel the need and rightly so). Perhaps we're getting some Biblical parallels with God trying to impress Satan by messing with Job?

Dexter Fletcher goes to talk to the stripper "Siren", while Alfie tries to buy off the hens with £65... wow, that's a lot of money to throw at this kind of problem. For some reason, Sharon's plot relevance sense starts to tingle and she says "SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT!" At which point, the stripper removes her coat to reveal a fetching hot pink number that doesn't really look particularly conducive to stripping.

Kirstie whispers some lines to show us THIS IS DRAMATIC! Eh, makes a change from lines being sobbed or screamed/screeched/barked but who cares, this is going to drag on.

Bianca's reason for not wanting Carol to date Probation Officer Perv - as it turns out - is PURELY selfish.

Presumably trying to dissuade Kirstie from wanting a baby, Max reminds her that it will look like them. A truly horrifying notion. Oh and Max wants her to keep the baby... but this will drag on, given that he mentions telling the girls.

Back to the King Phil/Jacknocchio and thankfully, the tedious back and forth is broken up by some fisticuffs.

As it turns out, all of Walford has simultaneously discerned that Jack is locked in the office and then Billy Idiot turns up to tell them Phil is in there too... oh and NO ONE HAS KEYS. Well, Joey has keys but the minute it would take for him to get them from the Vic is too long to wait and so Alfie has to kick the door down!

Just as Phil and Jack are having a play fight with each other. Phil gets the phone away from Jack and plays the message from Ronnie and wouldn't you know it, he went to see her and then, spills his guts about it. Jack tries to convince Phil not to tell Sharon but before Phil can say yay or nay, the door is FINALLY broken down by Joey... after all that time and effort, it really seems as if the more sensible option would have been to actually GET the keys.

Will Phil reveal Jack's secret? Won't he? Perhaps most importantly of all, does ANYONE really care anymore?

Monday 8th April 2013

It looks as if Jack is realising he's getting married to a professional Miss Piggy impersonator and as if that isn't bad enough, Billy Idiot talks to him. Out of the frying pan... Oh and it's his stag do. On a Monday BECAUSE MONDAY NIGHT IS PARTY NIGHT! WOO!

For some reason Ian has been invited on the stag do... eh, they need to pad numbers given the fact no one on the Square has more than one friend.

King Phil is apparently somewhat displeased at the imminent nuptials, as he's taking it out on Dexter Fletcher and Jay - who are ALSO invited to the party.

Jacknocchio is having a "quiet" stag do. Or so he thinks! He looks as if he's about to throw up after kissing his wife-to-be... a perfectly understandable reaction. What a joke the line-up for the stag party is... Jay, Arfuuuuuuur, the barely in the show anymore (thank goodness for small mercies!) Goony, Count Moonula, Max, Ian and Joey... wow. Just wow. Forget cold feet, if your stag party has a line-up like that you're better making sure you've got the number for the Samaritans.

Oh and we've ALSO got the hen night happening on the same night... does everyone sign some kind of social contract when they enter Walford? Major functions only to be held at the Vic or club, hen nights and stag dos to be co-ordinated to be on the same day (preferably a Monday to add to the GRITTY REALISM!) Naturally, it's another line-up that would have you locking away sharp objects and reaching for a bottle to fall into.

King Phil's antagonism continues with him pointedly saying that Jack "ain't married yet" and of course, Jack is keeping what he did a secret... DUN DUN DUN! He doesn't even tell Max. Wow, that's actually... sensible.

Ohoh, there's a sign of the imminent apocalypse. Misery Guts Carol all dressed up and looking decidedly unmiserable. We'll see how long that lasts.

And apparently intent on mischief, King Phil goes to see Sharon... and it appears the Crayon Crew are trying to fit in the term "last night of freedom" as many times as humanly possible into one episode!

Jack looks about as happy as someone who managed to drop their ice cream, get a paper cut, lose their life savings and find out they've got pancreatic cancer in under a minute. To be fair, that's pretty much the kind of reaction most people would have when they realise they're less than twenty four hours away from marrying Sharon.

King Phil lingers at Sharon's place because this episode needs to be padded.

Jack continues to be irritable at the Vic as everyone else is carrying on as if drinking during the middle of a Monday is the most ordinary thing in the world. Oh and Joey is getting on Jack's nerves... wow, could it be that Joey is evolving into a one dimensional character?!

It seems as if Tanya thinks Sharon is about five years old as she insists that everyone hide... it's a hen night (or afternoon, hell it might even be morning)! Oh and Bianca is surprised to hear Ian and Denise have hooked up... eh, the fact people only ever talk to ONE friend makes it a miracle there's any gossip in Albert Square these days.

Finally, Phil gets around to telling Sharon she can't stand the idea of him being with another woman before forcing a kiss on her. SEXUAL ASSAULT! A key step in any Eastenders romance apparently because after the mandatory slap, she kisses him back... and then because Phil was born in a barn, Tanya is able to wander in through the open door and ask whether everything is OK.

Jack continues to be a grump, putting the kibosh on the strip club and then ripping into Joey - which has the side effect of getting Joey to leave. Ace.

Billy Idiot really is a good example of the Dunning-Kruger effect in action, as he goes to see Phil to ask if he wants a curry... King Phil's response is he'd rather drive to the coast and walk into the sea than face a world in which Billy Idiot's company was something he needed... at least some things never change.

Joey's bold defence of what he said is that ANY man would take the chance to cheat on their partner! Which Lucy overhears. She's suitably impressed... and really, her consternation is quite at odds with Sharon's obvious arousal (shudder) when earlier sexually assaulted by Phil... Anyway, he tells Dexter Fletcher they need to "do over" Jack. Which Dexter Fletcher is reluctant about... for about a second.

The terrifying prospect of Denise and Ian's love life is raised... but fortunately, Bianca spotting Probation Officer Perv distracts from that... which is why Misery Guts was all dolled up... and apparently POP thinks the best way to woo a woman is CONSTANTLY talking about the fact that you've both got a dead child. Eh, still better the kind of lessons Sharon is teaching any misguided girls that are watching this... but then this show does like to go out of its way to set back women's rights.

It turns out the now one dimensional Joey has stumbled onto a master plan - locking Jack and a stripper in a room. Which is aided by Max getting dragged off by an irate Kirsty. DA YOUFFFFFF then try and decide on a stripper... are they aware there's a difference between a stripper and a whore? Apparently not and Poxy needs to talk to Jack!

NIGHT HAS FALLEN! Walford just can't afford a dimmer switch, daylight just goes on and off. Which is why it's darker than midnight when Bianca marches over to her house (presumably hours after having seen Probation Officer Perv), inexplicably thinking that he's talking to his mother when she has been expressly told that he has been reassigned at his own  request and she walks in on her mother mid-kiss. If you didn't see that coming, you're legally blind.

Poor Billy Idiot - you know you're stupid when one of the Goony brother's feels he is sufficiently superior to you in intellect that he can impugn your wits. He sees DA YOUFF, acting suspiciously and works out they're going to get Jack but they outwit him by telling him to stand by the swings!

Sharon is thinking a lot about the text message from King Phil... and it's just really hard to care about anything other than her meeting a slow, agonising demise. Now, if that was a storyline - that would be worth watching! Possibly in some kind of Saw type scenario?

For once, the club is not a thriving hot spot of activity... which makes it seem even more embarrassingly lame than a pre-teen disco. Turning the music on makes Jack go into the office to tell Max where they are... and apparently three mute members of staff at the club are onboard with the criminal offence of holding someone against their will - to the point they just nod and smile when Joey asks them to not open the door even  if it's clear they want out. GRITTY REALISM!

The stripper arrives - and why exactly did it require three people to stand suspiciously outside the club to check for the stripper? - and the "plan" is set in motion but as Joey is barely able to spell his own name, it should come as no surprise that his monstrous stupidity leads to him locking Phil and Jack in, rather than Jack and the stripper/whore.

OH THE HILARITY! If only Jack was getting married to the manager or Phil was her employer. If only they could somehow contact her instantly using some means of wireless communication! If only doors in Eastenders had less resilience than balsa wood!

Friday 5th April 2013

Max is pouting in the B&B when Tanya asks what's wrong. Kim's cooking!

Liam is home!

Ava settles on the first she sees and then for her trouble Billy Idiot starts sleazing on her... he doesn't even know what carpe diem means.

Misery Guts Carol tries to cheer up the glum - but surprisingly well - Liam but he's having none of it.

Kirstie The Lips (wearing her Freddie Kreuger hat - possibly to stop her looking such a state) is not best pleased to find that Max has helped Ava get a flat before they're settled.

Jacknocchio is still on edge... Sharon showing that much skin is probably the reason though. It... does things. Terrible things.

Billy Idiot decides to impress Ava.

Max is going to be Jacknocchio's witness and best man! How exciting. Oh dear, turns out Max and Tanya have both been asked to be a witness at the wedding! Why the hell are they worried about that?

Kat and Kim discuss the meeting between Kat and Count Moonula for maintenance - yawn.

The Lips winds up Tanya by telling her she's moving into a flat - let's hope Max doesn't fall through on that! Oh dear, seems like Tanya immediately ran over to talk to Max! A tedious conversation then ensues with Tanya making it clear how displeased with this development but then rather childishly says she isn't. Max just sighs. Who can blame him?

Twitney gives Liam a heart-to-heart that seems to get through to him.

Looks like The Lips is getting her hopes up about Max getting that one flat.

Count Moonula is playing games with Kat's heart but they apparently both just want to discuss how things need to go.

Liam has disappeared but he's just offering his bedding to Ava to show that stabbings can radically alter people's personalities. Oh and The Lips has packed her bags... and for some reason assumes that even if Max had put down the deposit, they'd be moving in immediately. Even the incredibly stupid Kim points out the folly in assuming this is a certainty but then Max comes along and then after a suspiciously long pause says yes, he did.

More painful dialogue between Count Moonula and Kat.

Turns out Billy Idiot got the flat and as that's the only flat there is, The Lips is having a cry. It also turns out Tanya gave Billy Idiot the money - Ava is not best pleased at being a pawn. This doesn't explain why Max lied to Kirstie and they have a long boring conversation that comes down to - they've got kids together and that's a magical bond that can never be broken! Except for all the times it is broken.

Oh and then The Lips announces she's preggers!

Thursday 4th April 2013

Dot looks around the Square before her date with destiny, taking the time to ask King Phil whether Lexi is any better. As if that's not bad enough, Arfuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy are still lurking in her house - having prepared her breakfast. She just has a piece of toast though... oh and then as if she hasn't got enough to worry about, Jacknocchio comes pounding on the door but she doesn't answer the door. For no discernible reason - something that can oft be said in Eastenders... in fact, more often than not - she is going to court all on her lonesome! Probably to make this more poignant.

Max is still making promises to Kirstie aka The Lips about a flat, as she is getting quite insistent... but he's saved as Jacknocchio comes a knockin' because he needs to tell Max about Dot's court appearance... honestly, it's a miracle anyone still remembers she's married to Jim - given that we hear him mentioned about as often as the laws of thermodynamics do.

Jack is still fretting over a letter he received and apparently it's from Ronnie.

Dot seems baffled by a metal detector at the court... Uh, she's old - she's not a simpleton. Fortunately, Ian is there to jolly her along. It's a bad sign when an episode is shamelessly padding before it hits the five minute mark.

Cora tells Arfuuuuuuuuuur and Poppy they need to ignore Dot's request and go to court.

Jack - inexplicably in the draughty warehouse that is laughably called a gym - is about to burn his letter from Ronnie but fortunately the perfect timing of the plot means Poxy appears just in time to stop him.

Dot is getting all worried about losing her house.

For some reason, Cora feels the best way to convince Max to go and watch Dot in the dock is to scare off his customers... as if business wasn't already slower than a glacier being observed approaching the event horizon of a black hole. Oh and despite the fact Max raises the salient point about her being responsible for Dot's current ills - apparently this is about him. Why?

Turns out that despite the fact we know Jack has had this letter from Ronnie for several days, the reason Poxy JUST turned up is that she knows Ronnie sent him a letter. Which begs the question as to why she didn't talk to him earlier. Oh, right because of bad writing.

Jacknocchio is able to remember the wife he'd totally forgotten - in much the same way Poxy is able to remember the sister she had totally forgotten about - anyway, just lots of "poor me" from the pair of 'em. Who cares?

FINALLY, Dot's trial finally begins and it seems to be a comedy of errors. Minus the comedy. Dot continuously interrupting her solicitor to say that what she's saying isn't true and Ian  interrupting her to tell her to keep quiet and the judge interrupting HIM to tell him if he doesn't keep quiet, he'll be thrown out (no threats of finding him in contempt?). Oh and the icing on the cake, Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuuur barging in to the obvious displeasure of the judge followed by Dot's objection to the solicitor lying "coz lying is wrong!". Good grief.

Cora also thinks the best thing to do is organise a party.

After the council lawyer tells the judge he wants Dot out on the streets before laughing madly and twirling his moustache, Arfuuuuuuuuur seeks to address the court!

A conversation betwixt Tanya and Max gets a bit meta as Tanya remarks that Walford marriages don't last. Next thing you'll be noticing everyone is always getting pregnant, having affairs, money problems or nasty accidents on an almost weekly basis! But clearly, we see the spark of the unkillable romance between the two - which is why The Lips turns up to be a sourpuss and points out that Dot was actually breaking the law...

Arfuuuuuuur takes the stand... If only someone had beaten the old adage "better to remain silent and let people think you a fool, than speak and remove all doubt" as he bungles his way through a meandering and almost totally irrelevant discourse about Dot. Hilariously, the judge points out that none of this changes what Dot did.

As if that wasn't enough, Dot then goes on to launch into her own lengthy, rambling monologue... Compelling courtroom drama this ain't. It's just kind of sad, really and not because Dot is potentially going to lose her house but rather because this feels like such a waste of an actress, standing up there and trying to do something (anything) with a staggeringly trite and banal monologue. It's a wonder no one falls asleep.

Dot turns up an remarks upon the fact everyone is there and not working - quite why this is worth comment in Albert Square is beyond mortal ken - and after drawing it out for far too long, it turns out that despite the fact nothing Dot said changed anything, she's getting to keep her house. A victory for lazy and predictable writing and everyone is so amazed at something good happening, they all start to applaud.

If only anyone could care after this mind numbingly dull episode.

Tuesday 2nd April 2013

Lola's maternal instincts/woman's intuition having activated she goes all Casualty and starts shouting out instructions because obviously when your baby is potentially ill you don't call NHS Direct or take her to A&E, you just give her a baby paracetamol...

Ava is apparently unaware that B&B stands for bed and BREAKFAST... something you'd expect to come from a foreigner or a simpleton, not a middle aged school teacher. Kim and Denise seem a little shell shocked at having more black people... perhaps they're worried that the B&B is becoming a ghetto. Which would be an interesting plot - so, it won't happen.

Oh, wow. Lola calls NHS Direct. Almost as if she reads this blog... before it's published. Meaning she can SEE INTO THE FUTURE! EXPLAINING HOW SHE KNEW THIS WAS SERIOUS! It all makes sense now. Oh, meningitis scare!

How many B&Bs allow people to have people people around for dinner? Not many but Kim's is an exception but then how many B&Bs are cheap enough for barmaids to live in full time?

Ian has been told of Dot's situation and wants to get the papers involved. She thinks it's all down to god... clearly she hasn't heard of him only helping those who help themselves.

Billy Idiot lives up to his name by standing outside the house, shouting (and looking) like a crazy homeless man as the paramedics arrive.

Oh, Liam got stabbed. Easy to forget that and he thieves Bianca's mobile to ask for a favour.

Lola and Lexi get into an ambulance and the whole Square is out to see them... and suddenly everyone is terribly concerned!

Ronnie is getting out of jail! We've remembered Ronnie exists! Jack seems very pleased that the Kinder Egg Kid called him dad but Kat wants her to stay away... since when did Jack and Kat ever talk? Oh, that's right. No one ever talks to anyone. Oh and Count Moonula is going to have to start paying child support.

Worry about Lexi continues but really, who cares - if you want hospital drama you'd watch ER or Nurse Jackie... or if you're slumming it - Holby City. Perhaps Eastenders are just trying to make Holby look good by comparison with their cut rate medical drama antics? Maybe we're supposed to assume that everyone is romantically entangled and has a dark past, not to mention innumerable cases of medical malpractice and violation of professional ethics in Walford General?

The Branning brood at the B&B has become a party - which the not-so-secret wife has invited herself along to... and as she's the comic relief, panto refugee Kim has to dance. Oh and Kirstie warns Tanya off because the B&B is "her home". Oh dear. Everyone is dancing badly and that makes Kirstie leave. Who wouldn't?

Dot reluctantly accepts help from Sharon

Oh no, Liam is leaving to live with Thicky! It's like this whole storyline was utterly pointless!

More Lexi stuff - WHO CARES?!

Cora tries to bond with Ava - oh dear, that doesn't go too well and so finally the the Branning brood depart.

Count Moonula is accosted by Kat. Who wants child support and is now threatening a solicitor! Uh, if the CSA can't get the money, what's a lawyer going to do beyond charge you a lot of money?

Holby City continues, oh sorry. Eastenders. This is Eastenders. Easy mistake to make. Bianca seems pretty confident about taking on that gang of thugs. Oh, sadly Liam isn't leaving. It's almost as if this whole storyline was utterly pointless! Funny how that works.

Dot relents and accepts help! After referring to her old friends as her "crew". One has to wonder at what point Dot's brain was scooped out and replaced by an alien parasite.

Oh and back in Holby, it turns out it wasn't meningitis. What a surprise!Now everyone is singing her praises, including King Phil - who tells her about the meeting because apparently his heart has melted.

And Dot is all alone in her house... wouldn't this be more interesting if she was feeling suicidal.

Monday 1st April 2013

Just as well Liam is in a private room because Bianca is sitting by his bed through the night!

Jack receives a letter and is instantly able to discern it is serious!

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuur gets awkward and we find out Dot will be in the dock at the end of the week, DUN DUN DUN!

Liam is told that DA GANG is off DA STREETS... but for how long?! Bianca tells him it's over... which seems a trifle naive.

Ava seems to have moved in with the Butchers... wow. Now there's a fate worse than death. Especially when you've got Misery Guts Carol trying to cheer you up.

Liam showing at least some more intellect than his slow witted father is aware that DA GANG might be off DA STREET but they'll be after him... and somehow Bianca thinks that she will be able to defend her son from a gang of knife wielding YOUFFFFFFF with nothing to lose. She's clearly delusional.

ZE SOCIAL are going to give Lola increased visitation rights with a view to returning Lexi to her... as you can imagine, King Phil is not best pleased at this news and evil cogs are already turning in his head. So, instead of just stopping round to tell Lola this the social worker tells King Phil and then when he looks obviously distressed at the news of losing Lexi and having previously tried his best to make sure she doesn't get her back - something that SS Officer Joyless is fully aware of - she just believe him and then says "Don't tell them before I do". Which makes you wonder why ZE SOCIAL would have a system in place where you're told you're having a meeting and then not told that it's one about increased visitation?

Dot is still worrying, although this seems to be manifesting itself as her acting as if she's just smoked some crystal meth and for some reason Arfuuuuuuuuur has to run interference for the Dot on the vicar?

Billy Idiot goes to the cafffffff and King Phil twirls his moustache as his evil plans begin to unfold.

Dexter Fletcher seems to be demonstrating some common sense by staying with the infinite Branning clan. He and Ava disagree about how things went, she wants to move out of town but Dexter Fletcher wants to stay.

Billy Idiot not only got Lola all excited by saying the meeting was probably good news but then almost drops the ball about King Phil suggesting the meeting might be about Lola almost running away with Lexi... he just about manages to gloss over that though. Even he can't be an idiot ALL the time, it would seem.

Bianca shouts at Ray for some reason... because that's her way.

Billy Idiot comes round to the Arches with something out of a skip and tries to impress King Phil but this only draws his ire and a predictable conversation about the merits of their parenting occurs... well, it would be more accurate to say a trading of insults about the fact both of them have failed utterly at being fathers.

Billy Idiot returns to Lola all angry but knowing that King Phil could say the sky is green and ZE SOCIAL would believe him, Lola tells him to have a big helping of humble pie and go and throw himself on King Phil's mercy.

Arfuuuuuuuur having come clean to the vicar, said man of God goes to talk to Dot about her woes.

Ava wisely rejects parenting advice from Cora.

Bianca blubbers because she needs to balance out all that shouting with crying. Her new great idea is giving up her only source of income! Even Kat points out that's stupid.

The vicar tells Dot to stop being prideful and admit her faults. Good Easter message!

Ava suffers more meandering pontifications from Cora. Boring.

Billy Idiot comes around to grovel but King Phil is predictably unimpressed, culminating with Phil telling him not to pick Lexi up as she's just eaten and then him ignoring this and she throws up on him.

Ava decides to move into everyone's favourite place - the B&B. They should turn the place into a block of flats!

DCI Walford comes with the inevitable "Actually, we've not locked anyone up for that stabbing!" WHAT A TWIST. Worthy of M. Night Shamalamadingdong himself. Liam gives a sad face.

King Phil and Billy Idiot are arguing over a flat pack - which apparently only has instructions in Danish, which seems about as likely as this being the best Christmas Walford has ever had - when Lola arrives and apparently her women's intuition is working overtime because she immediately goes upstairs and is aware that something is wrong with Lexi and it has to be serious as we get the DOOF DOOFS! DUN DUN DUN! Because parents aren't hypersensitive about their children's health and often assume something is wrong when it isn't!