In what can only be described as a shocking incident of competence the episode starts out with Jack in a cell... When did Walford PD get this smart?! Then we see Phil in hospital and Sharon's hair (and Sharon but let's face it - she's an afterthought) is hurriedly getting ready as a baby cries.
Patrick being sufficiently injured to require spoon feeding seems surprised at the fact going to the caffffffff for a meal might involve what some might consider some degree of humiliation as Denise cuts up his fried breakfast - are you sure you didn't damage your brain too, Patrick?
Tamwar is being demanding of the skeletal Lucy but it turns out that she is being more abrasive than usual because of her biopsy results. Yes, remember that storyline? It's not as if these days you can get results in the post or just phone up and get them or anything like that. Even Denise asks about them... isn't it great when a storyline is forgotten for weeks and then just pops up suddenly?
For his sins Tamwar then has to walk in out and of his house, seeing Masood and Geordie Racer getting along... so much for her needing a chaperone but we've already established that the exact degree of strictness of the Masood family faith is directly correlated to the needs of the plot. So, if Masood ever needed to become an alcoholic homosexual bacon eating apostate for a few weeks - that's fine.
Max's analysis of the situation is that the houses of Branning and Mitchell are now at war! It seems amusing that Max is concerned, they could choke the Mitchell's rivers with their dead and there'd still be too many Brannings to count... But Jacknocchio thinks it's just between him and Phil. Which - when you think about it - seems a lot more logical. This isn't a political intrigue - it was Jack punching Phil in the face... dial it down a notch, Max.
Meanwhile, Phil - in a private room, you'll be happy to know - encounters a doctor from another planet. This being an age of medical wonders, there's only one thing a modern doctor can do and that's prescribe plenty of rest! It's not as if he'd explain to Phil what his injuries are, the prognosis, treatments or anything like that. He's a doctor not a... oh, wait. Oops.
Dot has made the mistake of paying attention to her money troubles. As such, they haven't gone away. Yes, remember this storyline about Dot being in arrears on her rent because of Cora... isn't it great when a storyline is forgotten for weeks and then just pops up suddenly? Woah! Deja vu. Anyway, Pointless Poppy decides to go along for moral support to the meeting Dota has.
Sharon's hair is packing up as Jacknocchio returns. She has an asthma attack or berates Jack - it's hard to tell - and then storms off to see Phil.
Then we have Denise moaning about how she doesn't want to look after Patrick but also saying she doesn't want to pass him off on some home help...
Shirley's cryostasis unit is apparently keyed to release her onto the Square at times of Phil related plot developments, as she appears to congratulate Jack on the felling on King Phil. Also, apparently being a wage slave at please-don't-sue-us-this-is-not-KFC pays pretty well because Shirley seems to have had an extreme makeover. She tells him that his mistake was not finishing Phil off.
Max arrives to tell him to make it up with Sharon because that's the best way to get King Phil to drop the charges but Jacknocchio points out that he's hardly likely to pass up a golden opportunity for him to get rid of him.
Denise's reservations about getting home help didn't last long as she's ordering the help. RIGHT NOW! FOR TODAY! Wow, sounds like it's almost as easy as ordering a pizza!
Dot is in the belly of a beast as she faces off against a posh council official with a double barrelled name, Pointless Poppy having tagged along now seems appropriately pointless as she's not allowed in. So, as one might expect... Dot has been informed beforehand that this is going to be a formal interview that is part of an investigation into fraud. OH WAIT! This is the Crayon Crew we're dealing with so Dot is completely blind sided by this news because obviously if you want to show that local government is full of petty, spiteful job's worths whose only joy is in inflicting suffering on others - the last thing you want to do is let reality get in the way! The sheer idiocy of this scene is underpinned at a basic level, as they say that Dot could seek legal counsel before the interview starts - which would necessitate the cancellation of the interview...
Back in the caffffffffff, the skeletal Lucy is sobbing because her results MIGHT be bad but fortunately Denise is on-hand to offer support, thanks to the carers thirty minute delivery promise!
Dot goes on to outline the circumstances of her flat's usage and pleads ignorance of a necessity in informing the council of any change in circumstances. Oops. Ignorance of the law is no defence, Dot! For reasons that are entirely unclear - Dot seems to be very chipper by the end of the interview... perhaps she doesn't know what the word "fraud" means? She's so upbeat she's quoting proverbs but apparently she missed the part where this was a fraud investigation as when benefit fraud is mentioned but she's all upbeat with Pointless Poppy.
The awkward gangliness of Tamwar meet the Northern charms of Geordie Racer in the cafffffffff. She wants to be friends but he's being rather churlish about it, although understandably so. Things don't go too well but then, that's to be expected when you make a move on a man five minutes after his partner of many years has been gone all of five minutes.
Jacknocchio turns up to apologise to King Phil and try to win back Sharon's hair but it seems that Sharon is going to be nursing the king back to health despite him saying that what he did, he did for her... and then we're left waiting to find out if Phil is going to press charges or not!
The carer arrives and she's apparently the most Polish person in the history of Poland. She places her enormous bag down on a note that had been sitting DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF PATRICK which he somehow didn't see and Magda is not imbued with sufficient English to explain why she is there and Patrick's initial reaction is immediate anger. What could be a better topic for hilarious miscommunications than the care of the elderly, eh?
King Phil doesn't want ZE SOCIAL to find out about this, so he wants to discharge himself from hospital ASAP and tells the police it was an accident.
Aren't we all glad to find out that Lucy hasn't got cancer? Clearly, it was important that this storyline be brought to its thrilling ending. Perhaps if she ate a sandwich, she wouldn't mistake her ribs for lumps.
Denise returns to find Patrick being sweetness and light with Magda but he is not happy with her and only now does someone find the note - the note that sat directly in front of Patrick that he didn't see. He needs his eyes checked.
Shirley congratulates Jack on not being locked up but then cautions him that King Phil's machinations are not to be underestimated.
Dot can't bring herself to tell Pointless Poppy about her woes for some reason.
Masood and Geordie Racer meet up in the Vic - pubs are the traditional gathering places of Muslims, you know - and Geordie Racer starts talking in one of the oldest dialects of soapese "If only we could be somewhere no one knew us". If only more people could talk exclusively in clichés.
Having forgotten that Sharon's hair volunteered to help look after King Phil AND that he effectively ended it last night in the Vic, Jacknocchio's poor wooden brain still can't seem to understand that Sharon's hair isn't receptive to "Phil is a manipulator" because of her monumental stupidity. Perhaps the most confusing aspect of this entire scenario is that Jack seems to WANT to stay with Sharon... that's grounds for him to be sectioned, surely?
Thursday 28 February 2013
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Monday 26th February 2013
Jacknocchio is clearly a medical professional as he knows when someone has fallen after being punched and possibly having hit their head, with jam coming out of their ear they're faking it. So, his first reaction is to insist Phil stop messing around - after which he calls Max.
Max is sitting in the Vic, talking to Kirstie THE LIPS. The Lips seems pretty insistent about doing something for Derek... you remember Derek, don't you? The Derek who died cursing everyone's name, Walford's very own Hogfather of crime, who had lied and threatened everyone on the Square - including his own family members... oh yes and who MADE THE LIPS HAVE AN ABORTION! Fortunately, people in Walford have memories less able to retain information than a broken etch-a-sketch - so, that salient piece of information is remembered by no one, despite having been revealed to Max mere weeks ago.
The Lips practically straddles Scotch Egg when he agrees to her plans, much to the disgust of Tanya - who makes her displeasure at The Lips continued existence clear, why don't you try and buy her off again? That worked so well last time! This also results in Max not answering his phone - you have to wonder why people even bother with mobiles in Walford, they either don't answer them or don't remember they exist more than half the time.
This causes Jacknocchio to sneak out of The Arches (his hand covered in jam for some reason - possibly King Phil is so royal he is made of jam?) but the nightmarish hair of Sharon (and also Sharon) ensnares him. Which is bad, as he spies Dexter Fletcher headed toward the Arches. This renders him mute for several moments and she notices his jammy hand, prompting him to tell her he loves her before walking away.
Dexter Fletcher is somehow able to miss King Phil's body in the pit, as is his mother... and both of them leave, again not seeing or hearing the KO'd King...
For once, someone actually notices that a person is behaving strangely and Sharon asks Joey if he noticed... which he didn't but Sharon's hair noticed and Sharon's hair is suspicious... it's hard to tell what (or even if) Sharon thinks anything on the topic though, as she's having another asthma attack.
Jacknocchio finds Max in the car lot, starting in on a bottle of Scotch. On his own. In the middle of the day. He deserves it, he's had a hard day... in the Vic... So, Jack tries to spill his guts to Max but Tanya, Lauren and Abby arrive and rather than waiting, Jack bolts out the door.
The Lips is going around, gathering people for the... gathering but really, it looks more like she's trying to turn tricks. While there is a propensity for the women of Walford to dress like whores, it does actually seem like The Lips is actively soliciting business. Which probably explains how she's able to pay for her room in the B&B.
Sharon's hair is trying to explain to Tanya that a nineteen percent share in the club is worth thousands but seems incapable of understanding that no one gives you something of that kind of value for free. Apparently Jacknocchio just needs to accept that Sharon's hair and Phil are friends - yes, a friendship in which one person employees the other and has just given them a substantial share of a business... everyone should accept that!
They then move to insulting The Lips but this is cut short when Max appears with the girls to drag everyone to the Vic for the celebration of their dead criminal uncle
Jacknocchio is packing his bags but is interrupted by Dot who walks in because he left the door open but who doesn't leave their door open in central London? It's well known as an idyllic crime free utopia! So, Dot comes in to ask him why he isn't going to the suddenly super important remembering Derek is dead party.
Meanwhile, Sharon's hair has gone to the Arches to drop off the contract. Which is why ten seconds after leaving she decides to call him on the phone... because it's not as if you'd call someone first. In fact, there's no real explanation as to why Sharon would assume Phil was in The Arches or why she'd leave the contract there and she doesn't even FIND King Phil's body, so one has to wonder why Sharon's hair was even required to go there... but she calls him and we see that King Phil is alive...
Jack is peering out the blinds, as if he's in some kind of spy movie as Dot blathers away at him about the dead... not even any Bible stuff! They wisely decide to leave her to it and Jack is finally able to explain the felling of King Phil or perhaps that should be regicide? But Dot is apparently in insufferable mode today and she barges in and insists they go to the Derek's dead party.
As we have established earlier, Jacknocchio is a medical expert of the highest calibre and his prognosis of King Phil? "'Ee's ded!" Despite this definitive statement, Max wants a second opinion but Jack - like most TV doctors - is certain of his own inerrant judgement. He also needs a drink and at this point, the Branning horde descends upon the Vic, just as King Phil claws his way out of the pit. Sufficient are their numbers that Dexter Fletcher and Long Lost Ava comment on it. Alice comes in and is brought to tears at the sight - who wouldn't be?
King Phil rises from the pit, in a scene that is clearly paying homage to The Dark Knight rises and emerges from the Arches, coughing... yeah, hits on the head will do that. Meanwhile, Jack is in the pub confessing to the murder of King Phil via the medium of shouting. Apparently it took killing a man for Jacknocchio to realise that Sharon's hair and him just aren't going to work.
No sooner has Sharon's hair huffed and puffed out of the Vic than King Phil, having apparently rolled around in soot and more royal jam staggers in. Medical expertise is apparently a transferable skill as Max after saying about a sentence to Phil is able to establish that he doesn't remember, as the king looks on all bleary eyed.
Showing for the second time in the same episode that you should always get a second opinion, just a few moments later Phil gets to his feet and (attempts to) lunge at Jack but then falls to the ground, clutching his chest as he the King proclaims "You did this!" Just as well you didn't do anything silly like more or less confess to this in a crowded pub, Jack!
Max is sitting in the Vic, talking to Kirstie THE LIPS. The Lips seems pretty insistent about doing something for Derek... you remember Derek, don't you? The Derek who died cursing everyone's name, Walford's very own Hogfather of crime, who had lied and threatened everyone on the Square - including his own family members... oh yes and who MADE THE LIPS HAVE AN ABORTION! Fortunately, people in Walford have memories less able to retain information than a broken etch-a-sketch - so, that salient piece of information is remembered by no one, despite having been revealed to Max mere weeks ago.
The Lips practically straddles Scotch Egg when he agrees to her plans, much to the disgust of Tanya - who makes her displeasure at The Lips continued existence clear, why don't you try and buy her off again? That worked so well last time! This also results in Max not answering his phone - you have to wonder why people even bother with mobiles in Walford, they either don't answer them or don't remember they exist more than half the time.
This causes Jacknocchio to sneak out of The Arches (his hand covered in jam for some reason - possibly King Phil is so royal he is made of jam?) but the nightmarish hair of Sharon (and also Sharon) ensnares him. Which is bad, as he spies Dexter Fletcher headed toward the Arches. This renders him mute for several moments and she notices his jammy hand, prompting him to tell her he loves her before walking away.
Dexter Fletcher is somehow able to miss King Phil's body in the pit, as is his mother... and both of them leave, again not seeing or hearing the KO'd King...
For once, someone actually notices that a person is behaving strangely and Sharon asks Joey if he noticed... which he didn't but Sharon's hair noticed and Sharon's hair is suspicious... it's hard to tell what (or even if) Sharon thinks anything on the topic though, as she's having another asthma attack.
Jacknocchio finds Max in the car lot, starting in on a bottle of Scotch. On his own. In the middle of the day. He deserves it, he's had a hard day... in the Vic... So, Jack tries to spill his guts to Max but Tanya, Lauren and Abby arrive and rather than waiting, Jack bolts out the door.
The Lips is going around, gathering people for the... gathering but really, it looks more like she's trying to turn tricks. While there is a propensity for the women of Walford to dress like whores, it does actually seem like The Lips is actively soliciting business. Which probably explains how she's able to pay for her room in the B&B.
Sharon's hair is trying to explain to Tanya that a nineteen percent share in the club is worth thousands but seems incapable of understanding that no one gives you something of that kind of value for free. Apparently Jacknocchio just needs to accept that Sharon's hair and Phil are friends - yes, a friendship in which one person employees the other and has just given them a substantial share of a business... everyone should accept that!
They then move to insulting The Lips but this is cut short when Max appears with the girls to drag everyone to the Vic for the celebration of their dead criminal uncle
Jacknocchio is packing his bags but is interrupted by Dot who walks in because he left the door open but who doesn't leave their door open in central London? It's well known as an idyllic crime free utopia! So, Dot comes in to ask him why he isn't going to the suddenly super important remembering Derek is dead party.
Meanwhile, Sharon's hair has gone to the Arches to drop off the contract. Which is why ten seconds after leaving she decides to call him on the phone... because it's not as if you'd call someone first. In fact, there's no real explanation as to why Sharon would assume Phil was in The Arches or why she'd leave the contract there and she doesn't even FIND King Phil's body, so one has to wonder why Sharon's hair was even required to go there... but she calls him and we see that King Phil is alive...
Jack is peering out the blinds, as if he's in some kind of spy movie as Dot blathers away at him about the dead... not even any Bible stuff! They wisely decide to leave her to it and Jack is finally able to explain the felling of King Phil or perhaps that should be regicide? But Dot is apparently in insufferable mode today and she barges in and insists they go to the Derek's dead party.
As we have established earlier, Jacknocchio is a medical expert of the highest calibre and his prognosis of King Phil? "'Ee's ded!" Despite this definitive statement, Max wants a second opinion but Jack - like most TV doctors - is certain of his own inerrant judgement. He also needs a drink and at this point, the Branning horde descends upon the Vic, just as King Phil claws his way out of the pit. Sufficient are their numbers that Dexter Fletcher and Long Lost Ava comment on it. Alice comes in and is brought to tears at the sight - who wouldn't be?
King Phil rises from the pit, in a scene that is clearly paying homage to The Dark Knight rises and emerges from the Arches, coughing... yeah, hits on the head will do that. Meanwhile, Jack is in the pub confessing to the murder of King Phil via the medium of shouting. Apparently it took killing a man for Jacknocchio to realise that Sharon's hair and him just aren't going to work.
No sooner has Sharon's hair huffed and puffed out of the Vic than King Phil, having apparently rolled around in soot and more royal jam staggers in. Medical expertise is apparently a transferable skill as Max after saying about a sentence to Phil is able to establish that he doesn't remember, as the king looks on all bleary eyed.
Showing for the second time in the same episode that you should always get a second opinion, just a few moments later Phil gets to his feet and (attempts to) lunge at Jack but then falls to the ground, clutching his chest as he the King proclaims "You did this!" Just as well you didn't do anything silly like more or less confess to this in a crowded pub, Jack!
Monday 25 February 2013
Monday 25th February 2013
Half-Day Alice is glumly looking at a picture of the three headed BRANNING BEAST... surprising as most people would react far better to seeing it dead. She then turns up at Count Moonula's, after saying something nonsensical that even he just more or less ignores and says she's supposed to get paid. After getting paid, she goes to ask Max if he wants to go to breakfast... remarkably, he turns her down. He has a business to run, after all... wait, when did THAT ever matter?
Jack and the Kinder Egg abomination are in cahoots as they prepare breakfast for Sharon... for some reason, they were asleep on the sofa? And what could spoil the mood of this romantic gesture but a phonecall from KING PHIL! For once actually showing some sense though, Sharon doesn't answer. Will miracles never cease?!
Geordie Racer has moved in at the B&B and is apparently now best mates with Kirstie THE LIPS, whilst they watch Max incompetently try and put up a iron board. He then manages to vex her by mentioning he's home sick and not calling her fammmmmmleeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Masood is debating the pros and cons of going out with Geordie Racer. Pro - she's young and attractive. Con - it would alienate Tamwar. Seems pretty easy... AJ even says as much! But elsewhere, Geordie Racer is asking Carol if Masood likes musicals... which makes you wonder whether she has much experience with any human males...
Jacknocchio is going on about King Phil's constant harassment of Sharon and remarkably again she seems to agree with him. To the point where she even agrees to think about another job. Will sanity prevail? No, it won't because apparently King Phil isn't even in a mood to help Lola get to court, to the point where Dexter Fletcher risks incurring the wrath of the King to come up with a scheme to convey her to the court... because it's not as if inner city London has a well established network of public transport which a young person would be familiar with.
Denise is holding Half-Day Alice for trying to use a counterfeit note that Count Moonula gave her earlier... something monstrously stupid of him, really as she clearly knows what he did and Jacknocchio INSTANTLY concludes that it was from him... He's no King Phil! Also, it seems that Half-Day Alice is not happy about people not remembering something... her birthday? That people remember she exists when they're in the same room with her is amazing, to ask for them to remember things about her would be asking too much.
The Lips and Geordie Racer are now BFFs and apparently so are The Lips and Half-Day Alice, as when Half-Day tries to open the jar of herring she purchased if the caffffffff (because it's not as if her house is equidistant) and is reprimanded by the usually mute waitress, she storms off and The Lips chases after her.
This leads us to see Masood spying on Jacknocchio as he tries to batter down Count Moonula's door. Masood mentions that there's the possibility Michael isn't actually home but this little segue into logic doesn't put off our wooden friend.
Sharon meets King Phil in the pub where she asks him for a raise. King Phil is not amused but apparently this is great news for Sharon and she calls Jacknocchio up immediately to tell him.
The Lips finds Half-Day in the park but Half-Day isn't interested. Turns out the herring was for her father's birthday. She's very upset that no one remembers. Oh, well... boohoo. Stop living in the past, Alice. You barely knew the man and by all accounts, he was a thuggish criminal whose death has brightened the world.
Jacknocchio is hot on the heels of Count Moonula and catches up with him just as he's talking to King Phil and as the two are now enemies, they both take umbrage at the mere proximity of other - prompting Jacknocchio to ask about Sharon's resignation... oops, you may have jumped the gun there, Jack!
BFFs The Lips and Half-Day go to the cafffff, where they discuss Derek's birthday ritual involving herring. Apparently despite being directly responsible for getting her to have an abortion and spending the better part of a year lying to her, she was OK with Derek... uh, why? It's one thing to support someone but come on! Also, they're going to have a posthumous birthday party!
Turns out Count Moonula was forced to pay with the counterfeit money because he is hard up... Alice then goes inside to try and eat her pickled herring, after being revolted by them, Joey appears to consume them like a gannet. This makes Alice giggle like an idiot, this reminds her of her father... despite the fact she had earlier said she'd never seen him on his birthday but this makes everything all right.
Denise and Carol are bad mouthing Geordie Racer when Tamwar mopes in and because the subject of his mother's sudden and unexpected departure is likely to be a difficult topic to broach, they immediately ask about it. Tamwar does the best thing he can by walking immediately out the shop.
AJ is telling Masood to enjoy himself and so, despite Tamwar being in a mood - he decides to go out on a date with her. Just as Denise walks by and she decides the best thing to do is be all sanctominous... although, this DOES make some sense for once as she and Zainab were friends and not the usual brand of instant BFF that we seem to be getting now... but Masood doesn't care.
King Phil, clearly in the grips of Sharon related avarice has hurriedly put together a better contract for her, lest she should escape his grasp. Apparently by giving her a stake in the club... Sharon even points out that this kind of deal is clearly going to come with strings.
AJ is in the shop - as Denises's fifteen minute shift is over, someone else is there to hear his musings on black pudding in bean juice... Somehow Masood knows this and homes in on him. Masood goes all serious but he's just foolin' around and of course he's going to go on a date with a girl half his age when his wife's bed is still warm...
Jacknocchio and Max debate whether Count Moonula was responsible for the counterfeit notes - presumably so after months of not having been mentioned we can talk about it lots tonight and forget about it for several more weeks - before Sharon (and her hair) come huffing and puffing into the Vic. The Lips pops up to remind Max about Derek's birthday and generally express her displeasure toward him.
Sharon excitedly tells Jack about her nineteen percent share in the club which is "worth thousands"... and Jack does exactly what anyone who has had someone tell them plainly, to their face that they're going to steal their woman and concludes this is part of King Phil's evil scheme... to which the braindead Sharon seems totally oblivious... did they scoop her brains out to put that hair on her head? It seems like it because she storms off and tells Jack she'd better get used to Phil being part of her life!
Let us - for a moment - ignore the innumerable OTHER drawbacks of Sharon and focus purely on her behaviour in this relationship with Jack... where she is ostensibly at Phil's beck and call PERPETUALLY and will drop what she's doing at his slightest whimsy and when she's challenged about it, immediately throws a tantrum... This is a relationship that should be ending in murder, not matrimony!
Having not had his fill of door related violence earlier, Jacknocchio kicks in the door of the Arches (because he knew Phil was there by using his sophisticated echo location) and starts having it out with King Phil, who is waiting there, twirling his moustache. Jacknocchio does not take too well to the taunts and moustache twirling of his majesty and punches him in the face.
Quite in contrast to his usual nigh terminator-esque unstoppability, Phil goes down like a sack of potatoes and into the pit of the Arches... and he seems to have some jam coming out of his ears... Oh dear.
Jack and the Kinder Egg abomination are in cahoots as they prepare breakfast for Sharon... for some reason, they were asleep on the sofa? And what could spoil the mood of this romantic gesture but a phonecall from KING PHIL! For once actually showing some sense though, Sharon doesn't answer. Will miracles never cease?!
Geordie Racer has moved in at the B&B and is apparently now best mates with Kirstie THE LIPS, whilst they watch Max incompetently try and put up a iron board. He then manages to vex her by mentioning he's home sick and not calling her fammmmmmleeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Masood is debating the pros and cons of going out with Geordie Racer. Pro - she's young and attractive. Con - it would alienate Tamwar. Seems pretty easy... AJ even says as much! But elsewhere, Geordie Racer is asking Carol if Masood likes musicals... which makes you wonder whether she has much experience with any human males...
Jacknocchio is going on about King Phil's constant harassment of Sharon and remarkably again she seems to agree with him. To the point where she even agrees to think about another job. Will sanity prevail? No, it won't because apparently King Phil isn't even in a mood to help Lola get to court, to the point where Dexter Fletcher risks incurring the wrath of the King to come up with a scheme to convey her to the court... because it's not as if inner city London has a well established network of public transport which a young person would be familiar with.
Denise is holding Half-Day Alice for trying to use a counterfeit note that Count Moonula gave her earlier... something monstrously stupid of him, really as she clearly knows what he did and Jacknocchio INSTANTLY concludes that it was from him... He's no King Phil! Also, it seems that Half-Day Alice is not happy about people not remembering something... her birthday? That people remember she exists when they're in the same room with her is amazing, to ask for them to remember things about her would be asking too much.
The Lips and Geordie Racer are now BFFs and apparently so are The Lips and Half-Day Alice, as when Half-Day tries to open the jar of herring she purchased if the caffffffff (because it's not as if her house is equidistant) and is reprimanded by the usually mute waitress, she storms off and The Lips chases after her.
This leads us to see Masood spying on Jacknocchio as he tries to batter down Count Moonula's door. Masood mentions that there's the possibility Michael isn't actually home but this little segue into logic doesn't put off our wooden friend.
Sharon meets King Phil in the pub where she asks him for a raise. King Phil is not amused but apparently this is great news for Sharon and she calls Jacknocchio up immediately to tell him.
The Lips finds Half-Day in the park but Half-Day isn't interested. Turns out the herring was for her father's birthday. She's very upset that no one remembers. Oh, well... boohoo. Stop living in the past, Alice. You barely knew the man and by all accounts, he was a thuggish criminal whose death has brightened the world.
Jacknocchio is hot on the heels of Count Moonula and catches up with him just as he's talking to King Phil and as the two are now enemies, they both take umbrage at the mere proximity of other - prompting Jacknocchio to ask about Sharon's resignation... oops, you may have jumped the gun there, Jack!
BFFs The Lips and Half-Day go to the cafffff, where they discuss Derek's birthday ritual involving herring. Apparently despite being directly responsible for getting her to have an abortion and spending the better part of a year lying to her, she was OK with Derek... uh, why? It's one thing to support someone but come on! Also, they're going to have a posthumous birthday party!
Turns out Count Moonula was forced to pay with the counterfeit money because he is hard up... Alice then goes inside to try and eat her pickled herring, after being revolted by them, Joey appears to consume them like a gannet. This makes Alice giggle like an idiot, this reminds her of her father... despite the fact she had earlier said she'd never seen him on his birthday but this makes everything all right.
Denise and Carol are bad mouthing Geordie Racer when Tamwar mopes in and because the subject of his mother's sudden and unexpected departure is likely to be a difficult topic to broach, they immediately ask about it. Tamwar does the best thing he can by walking immediately out the shop.
AJ is telling Masood to enjoy himself and so, despite Tamwar being in a mood - he decides to go out on a date with her. Just as Denise walks by and she decides the best thing to do is be all sanctominous... although, this DOES make some sense for once as she and Zainab were friends and not the usual brand of instant BFF that we seem to be getting now... but Masood doesn't care.
King Phil, clearly in the grips of Sharon related avarice has hurriedly put together a better contract for her, lest she should escape his grasp. Apparently by giving her a stake in the club... Sharon even points out that this kind of deal is clearly going to come with strings.
AJ is in the shop - as Denises's fifteen minute shift is over, someone else is there to hear his musings on black pudding in bean juice... Somehow Masood knows this and homes in on him. Masood goes all serious but he's just foolin' around and of course he's going to go on a date with a girl half his age when his wife's bed is still warm...
Jacknocchio and Max debate whether Count Moonula was responsible for the counterfeit notes - presumably so after months of not having been mentioned we can talk about it lots tonight and forget about it for several more weeks - before Sharon (and her hair) come huffing and puffing into the Vic. The Lips pops up to remind Max about Derek's birthday and generally express her displeasure toward him.
Sharon excitedly tells Jack about her nineteen percent share in the club which is "worth thousands"... and Jack does exactly what anyone who has had someone tell them plainly, to their face that they're going to steal their woman and concludes this is part of King Phil's evil scheme... to which the braindead Sharon seems totally oblivious... did they scoop her brains out to put that hair on her head? It seems like it because she storms off and tells Jack she'd better get used to Phil being part of her life!
Let us - for a moment - ignore the innumerable OTHER drawbacks of Sharon and focus purely on her behaviour in this relationship with Jack... where she is ostensibly at Phil's beck and call PERPETUALLY and will drop what she's doing at his slightest whimsy and when she's challenged about it, immediately throws a tantrum... This is a relationship that should be ending in murder, not matrimony!
Having not had his fill of door related violence earlier, Jacknocchio kicks in the door of the Arches (because he knew Phil was there by using his sophisticated echo location) and starts having it out with King Phil, who is waiting there, twirling his moustache. Jacknocchio does not take too well to the taunts and moustache twirling of his majesty and punches him in the face.
Quite in contrast to his usual nigh terminator-esque unstoppability, Phil goes down like a sack of potatoes and into the pit of the Arches... and he seems to have some jam coming out of his ears... Oh dear.
Friday 22 February 2013
Friday 22nd February 2013
Tanya passes Oscar off to Max (another game of pass the parcel!) and helps herself to chips before sitting down for a chat. Predictable sniping ensues as Tanya is passive aggressive and being generally bitter. Max wants to try and weedle his way back into Tanya's affections though... which Kirstie aka The Lips seems... surprisingly OK with.
Tanya having shown remarkable restraint has managed to hold off pouring herself a drink for over five minutes finally pours herself a glass of wine... perhaps Max is vaguely comprehensible when you're sloshed? The conversation between the two is sufficiently prosaic that even Lauren concludes that it's pointless.
This doesn't stop us getting some of the regulation relationship navel gazing that is so uncompelling, you'd find more articulate and profound things said on the Jeremy Kyle Show... Tanya has a somewhat meta revelation though - that she and Max just keep going round and round in circles. That's pretty much the size of it. You need Doctor Who to bust you out of this timeloop before the time-space continuum collapses into a jam sandwich or something.
Geordie Racer and Masood wait for Tamwar to take a hint and clear off. Meanwhile Carol gets some Dutch courage - unaware of Masood's surprise guest... who has just divulged that she didn't come to visit, SHE CAME FOR HIM!
Carol rolls up and there's some awkwardness, which causes her to walk out. Tamwar walks in to see the flirting between Geordie Racer and Masood in full swing... and has no reaction beyond the usual vaguely upset tummy expression. For goodness sake, Tamwar - it's not normal for problems like these to last this long, go and see your GP! Oh, wait... Walford has no GP. They keep dying in fires.
Probably a bit of a touchy subject for Tambo. Which could be why he continues to berate his father. Who seems... surprisingly OK with his son doing this. Jeez, everyone is being so... laid back tonight. So, then Masood tells Geordie Racer it won't work... she also takes it surprisingly well. Perhaps because she isn't really leaving!
The realities of full time care kick in as Denise and Kim are faced with the dire prospect of NOT GOING OUT! While Patrick can't even open his hip flask. This leads Denise to the Vic (naturally), where she and all the other single women are gathered together to lament the fact that without men, their lives are meaningless.
So much so, Cora even refers to them as a "sad bunch"... but then she also calls Max's house "her home"... You've been in Walford less than a year, most of that time was in Dot's house and you were at BEST tolerated in the Branning residence. It's where you're living and even THAT doesn't make a lick of sense but then, what else is new? Denise then returns home to find Patrick on the floor but that's OK because there's nothing that some rum can't fix.
Kat tells Count Moonula about her inability to keep her mouth shut. Then in a shocking piece of insight, Poxy notes that perhaps there was no ulterior motive behind her actions and maybe Kat is just slapper. Wise words. Then Jean tells Kat "there's darkness in her"... jeez, what's next? Kat stanning up with her sickly basted skin and proclaiming "THIS IZ DA SKIN OVA KILLAH!" but then it seems like the Kalfie relationship is at least as abusive as the one portrayed in Twilight and the standard of writing is at least as bad... so who knows, Kat could soon become one of the undead... but who would even notice, eh?
Count Moonula goes to be shouted at by Alfie but apparently, Poxy's words have soothed his soul and he barely raises his voice above a whisper... Perhaps they've started putting Valium in the water supply? That seems a bit silly. It would be far more sensible to just use cyanide and be done with it.
Tanya having shown remarkable restraint has managed to hold off pouring herself a drink for over five minutes finally pours herself a glass of wine... perhaps Max is vaguely comprehensible when you're sloshed? The conversation between the two is sufficiently prosaic that even Lauren concludes that it's pointless.
This doesn't stop us getting some of the regulation relationship navel gazing that is so uncompelling, you'd find more articulate and profound things said on the Jeremy Kyle Show... Tanya has a somewhat meta revelation though - that she and Max just keep going round and round in circles. That's pretty much the size of it. You need Doctor Who to bust you out of this timeloop before the time-space continuum collapses into a jam sandwich or something.
Geordie Racer and Masood wait for Tamwar to take a hint and clear off. Meanwhile Carol gets some Dutch courage - unaware of Masood's surprise guest... who has just divulged that she didn't come to visit, SHE CAME FOR HIM!
Carol rolls up and there's some awkwardness, which causes her to walk out. Tamwar walks in to see the flirting between Geordie Racer and Masood in full swing... and has no reaction beyond the usual vaguely upset tummy expression. For goodness sake, Tamwar - it's not normal for problems like these to last this long, go and see your GP! Oh, wait... Walford has no GP. They keep dying in fires.
Probably a bit of a touchy subject for Tambo. Which could be why he continues to berate his father. Who seems... surprisingly OK with his son doing this. Jeez, everyone is being so... laid back tonight. So, then Masood tells Geordie Racer it won't work... she also takes it surprisingly well. Perhaps because she isn't really leaving!
The realities of full time care kick in as Denise and Kim are faced with the dire prospect of NOT GOING OUT! While Patrick can't even open his hip flask. This leads Denise to the Vic (naturally), where she and all the other single women are gathered together to lament the fact that without men, their lives are meaningless.
So much so, Cora even refers to them as a "sad bunch"... but then she also calls Max's house "her home"... You've been in Walford less than a year, most of that time was in Dot's house and you were at BEST tolerated in the Branning residence. It's where you're living and even THAT doesn't make a lick of sense but then, what else is new? Denise then returns home to find Patrick on the floor but that's OK because there's nothing that some rum can't fix.
Kat tells Count Moonula about her inability to keep her mouth shut. Then in a shocking piece of insight, Poxy notes that perhaps there was no ulterior motive behind her actions and maybe Kat is just slapper. Wise words. Then Jean tells Kat "there's darkness in her"... jeez, what's next? Kat stanning up with her sickly basted skin and proclaiming "THIS IZ DA SKIN OVA KILLAH!" but then it seems like the Kalfie relationship is at least as abusive as the one portrayed in Twilight and the standard of writing is at least as bad... so who knows, Kat could soon become one of the undead... but who would even notice, eh?
Count Moonula goes to be shouted at by Alfie but apparently, Poxy's words have soothed his soul and he barely raises his voice above a whisper... Perhaps they've started putting Valium in the water supply? That seems a bit silly. It would be far more sensible to just use cyanide and be done with it.
Thursday 21 February 2013
Thursday 21st February 2013
Tamwar is but one of many idiots and so Bianca moving her stall 13cm will validate Western liberal democracy... It's nice to see the Crayon Crew taking time out of their busy schedule of subtle and nuanced vitriolic hatred of just about everyone and everything to do with the working class and the government to take a slightly more light hearted approach... and then it's Masood and Carol's budding romance. Bianca seems amazed at the prospect of her joyless mother being capable of feeling any kind of emotion outside of misery... she's not the only one.
Saint Alfie is worrying about Kat, what better way to express concern than to play pass the parcel with your son? Oh, right - he isn't actually your son! While it would be asinine to suggest that one needs to be a biological parent to qualify for the moniker of father, in the eyes of the law these things are rather less nuanced... will the Crayon Crew be able to realise that? It seems unlikely.
Meanwhile, Kat is awoken by Count Moonula staring at her... not how most people would like to wake up. If your dinner doesn't try and leap from your stomach onto the floor at the sight of Kat covered only by a duvet - you'll only be able to claim a cast iron constituency if it remains contained after the details of Kat faking (or not) are covered... If you failed, reconciliatory drink and if you succeeded celebratory drink... a drink is necessary after that.
Count Moonula goes on to explain how Kat is a drama queen and that if one is as stupid and brain dead as walking lobotomy advert Kim, she'd be happier... What he's trying to achieve here... who knows but he walks off when his long forgotten baby starts to cry.
Romance being the theme of the evening - far more so than a week ago when it was Valentine's Day - we then get to see the glass of water disguised as a human known only as Joey. Who threatens to pull Lauren out of bed, so she can get to work on an essay. Joey asks if he can help but it's about feminism and Joey is but a glass of water.
Saint Alfie is still brooding, brooding away as Jean tells him that she's taking Tommy to feed the ducks and this is when Poxy overhears him apologising for last night because as we know, while Joey may be a glass of water, Saint Alfie is an invertebrate.
Cora reappears from whatever pocket dimension she has disappeared to and has found... A BILL! At this point, Cora points out that it's Max's house... and also, there are bills to pay. Why exactly wouldn't Max just move in with Kirstie and tell the others if they don't like it, they can get out? It would be worth noting that as Tanya and he weren't married, she'd have no claim to the house... unless we're going to be faced with another risible squatting storyline. Anyway, those bills need paid!
Fortuitously, Abi runs into Kirstie on her way to post a letter at the B&B... she doesn't want to talk to her father though - so he scuttles off to the car lot. When Kirstie aka The Lips returns, "hilariously" her skirt is tucked into her pants... and Abi can barely wait to get out of there but then, it's not really obvious why Kirstie couldn't have told Abi that she wanted to come and have a chat later as it took her longer to change than it did to say that. Idiocy seems like a good guess.
Count Moonula points out to Kat that she and Alfie have a mutually detrimental co-dependent relationship and that their current situation is such that they could use it to get over this destructive addiction they have to one another. This just leaves Kat looking baffled though.
Elsewhere, Saint Alfie has to go and see Kat despite the fact Poxy is clearly upset about this AND the fact that Alfie KEEPS doing this to her, despite the fact it clearly feeds her paranoia and insecurity... because he can only truly be Saint Alfie when he's in love with Kat. So, Alfie goes looking for Kat but she's not at Derek's house... Joey suggests that she could be at a friends house... she has no friends, Alfie says casually. As one would.
Count Moonula spies the roving Alfie in the Square, able to immediately discern that he has gone looking for Kat. Which prompts his third pep talk of the episode, which Kat even says is pointless but then King Phil summons Count Moonula to the cafffffffff. Which is where Alfie goes, only to be accosted by King Phil, bemoaning all the forms he has to fill out for adoption... so much for the light hearted approach to vitriolic hatred! After all, it's not as if we'd want to be rigorous in who we let vulnerable children live with, is it?
The Count appears, apologising for his tardiness. He wants to go ahead with operation dodgy money but Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart... don't worry, Count Moonula - he'll change his mind again, just you wait! Enraged at being asked for a favour, King Phil storms off... hopefully he'll be careful, lest he destroy the door on the way out.
Kat returns home to collapse in front of Lauren and then decides to unload on her about her imminent divorce, which leads to Lauren rather awkardly going "That's terrible but I've got an easy to write... ON FEMINISM!", to whit the barely basted barmaid bellows "WOTS DAT DEN?!" and then plucky young Lauren explains all the boons that feminism has had for Kat... although amusingly, few of them seem to have benefited her to any discernible degree and it's easier to see Kat prospering in some eighteenth century whore house where her inability to have meaningful relationships would be advantageous. Kat rounds this navel gazing off by effectively saying, she has no responsibilities for her own actions.
Inexplicably, Lauren doesn't slap her and tell her that those are the words of a liar and a coward but tells her she has to "fight" and apparently this vague and nebulous advice, coupled with some Saint Alfie trash talk has told Kat what she needs to do... at which point three skin headed neo-feminists burst through the windows with flamethrowers and burn the two to death. Or not. Sadly not.
Lauren doesn't hang around as she has to go and have a chit-chat with her father, The Lips and Abi... Cora doesn't want to hang around though and after a little verbal riposte scarpers... let's hope she disappears for another few weeks.
Walford's favourite slapper, now imbued with knowledge of feminism that could be written on the back of a postage stamp goes to the Vic to continue playing pass the parcel with Tommy and there's predictable frission between her and Poxy... but then, everything in this show is predictable so what else is new? Saint Alfie is very jovial about the whole thing, even when Kat admits to sleeping with Count Moonula.
Back at the Brannings, it turns out that the funniest thing in the whole world that can bring a whole family together is the story of The Lip's skirt getting caught in her knickers and her not noticing while Abi did! And unified in a singular moment of communal joy and togetherness, who should walk in unannounced but Tanya! It might have been more surprising if they all laughed and then stopped and nothing had happened and they all started to freak out.
Oh and the "blossoming" romance between Masood and Carol continues but it's so tedious it's not worth mentioning except for the revelation that GEORDIE RACER HAS RETURNED!
Saint Alfie is worrying about Kat, what better way to express concern than to play pass the parcel with your son? Oh, right - he isn't actually your son! While it would be asinine to suggest that one needs to be a biological parent to qualify for the moniker of father, in the eyes of the law these things are rather less nuanced... will the Crayon Crew be able to realise that? It seems unlikely.
Meanwhile, Kat is awoken by Count Moonula staring at her... not how most people would like to wake up. If your dinner doesn't try and leap from your stomach onto the floor at the sight of Kat covered only by a duvet - you'll only be able to claim a cast iron constituency if it remains contained after the details of Kat faking (or not) are covered... If you failed, reconciliatory drink and if you succeeded celebratory drink... a drink is necessary after that.
Count Moonula goes on to explain how Kat is a drama queen and that if one is as stupid and brain dead as walking lobotomy advert Kim, she'd be happier... What he's trying to achieve here... who knows but he walks off when his long forgotten baby starts to cry.
Romance being the theme of the evening - far more so than a week ago when it was Valentine's Day - we then get to see the glass of water disguised as a human known only as Joey. Who threatens to pull Lauren out of bed, so she can get to work on an essay. Joey asks if he can help but it's about feminism and Joey is but a glass of water.
Saint Alfie is still brooding, brooding away as Jean tells him that she's taking Tommy to feed the ducks and this is when Poxy overhears him apologising for last night because as we know, while Joey may be a glass of water, Saint Alfie is an invertebrate.
Cora reappears from whatever pocket dimension she has disappeared to and has found... A BILL! At this point, Cora points out that it's Max's house... and also, there are bills to pay. Why exactly wouldn't Max just move in with Kirstie and tell the others if they don't like it, they can get out? It would be worth noting that as Tanya and he weren't married, she'd have no claim to the house... unless we're going to be faced with another risible squatting storyline. Anyway, those bills need paid!
Fortuitously, Abi runs into Kirstie on her way to post a letter at the B&B... she doesn't want to talk to her father though - so he scuttles off to the car lot. When Kirstie aka The Lips returns, "hilariously" her skirt is tucked into her pants... and Abi can barely wait to get out of there but then, it's not really obvious why Kirstie couldn't have told Abi that she wanted to come and have a chat later as it took her longer to change than it did to say that. Idiocy seems like a good guess.
Count Moonula points out to Kat that she and Alfie have a mutually detrimental co-dependent relationship and that their current situation is such that they could use it to get over this destructive addiction they have to one another. This just leaves Kat looking baffled though.
Elsewhere, Saint Alfie has to go and see Kat despite the fact Poxy is clearly upset about this AND the fact that Alfie KEEPS doing this to her, despite the fact it clearly feeds her paranoia and insecurity... because he can only truly be Saint Alfie when he's in love with Kat. So, Alfie goes looking for Kat but she's not at Derek's house... Joey suggests that she could be at a friends house... she has no friends, Alfie says casually. As one would.
Count Moonula spies the roving Alfie in the Square, able to immediately discern that he has gone looking for Kat. Which prompts his third pep talk of the episode, which Kat even says is pointless but then King Phil summons Count Moonula to the cafffffffff. Which is where Alfie goes, only to be accosted by King Phil, bemoaning all the forms he has to fill out for adoption... so much for the light hearted approach to vitriolic hatred! After all, it's not as if we'd want to be rigorous in who we let vulnerable children live with, is it?
The Count appears, apologising for his tardiness. He wants to go ahead with operation dodgy money but Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart... don't worry, Count Moonula - he'll change his mind again, just you wait! Enraged at being asked for a favour, King Phil storms off... hopefully he'll be careful, lest he destroy the door on the way out.
Kat returns home to collapse in front of Lauren and then decides to unload on her about her imminent divorce, which leads to Lauren rather awkardly going "That's terrible but I've got an easy to write... ON FEMINISM!", to whit the barely basted barmaid bellows "WOTS DAT DEN?!" and then plucky young Lauren explains all the boons that feminism has had for Kat... although amusingly, few of them seem to have benefited her to any discernible degree and it's easier to see Kat prospering in some eighteenth century whore house where her inability to have meaningful relationships would be advantageous. Kat rounds this navel gazing off by effectively saying, she has no responsibilities for her own actions.
Inexplicably, Lauren doesn't slap her and tell her that those are the words of a liar and a coward but tells her she has to "fight" and apparently this vague and nebulous advice, coupled with some Saint Alfie trash talk has told Kat what she needs to do... at which point three skin headed neo-feminists burst through the windows with flamethrowers and burn the two to death. Or not. Sadly not.
Lauren doesn't hang around as she has to go and have a chit-chat with her father, The Lips and Abi... Cora doesn't want to hang around though and after a little verbal riposte scarpers... let's hope she disappears for another few weeks.
Walford's favourite slapper, now imbued with knowledge of feminism that could be written on the back of a postage stamp goes to the Vic to continue playing pass the parcel with Tommy and there's predictable frission between her and Poxy... but then, everything in this show is predictable so what else is new? Saint Alfie is very jovial about the whole thing, even when Kat admits to sleeping with Count Moonula.
Back at the Brannings, it turns out that the funniest thing in the whole world that can bring a whole family together is the story of The Lip's skirt getting caught in her knickers and her not noticing while Abi did! And unified in a singular moment of communal joy and togetherness, who should walk in unannounced but Tanya! It might have been more surprising if they all laughed and then stopped and nothing had happened and they all started to freak out.
Oh and the "blossoming" romance between Masood and Carol continues but it's so tedious it's not worth mentioning except for the revelation that GEORDIE RACER HAS RETURNED!
Tuesday 19 February 2013
Tuesday 19th February 2013
Poxy tells Alfie "things will get easier", while Kat sleeps on the sofa to illustrate how depressed she is. So depressed she can't go to work, which bodes ill as it means Tamwar (new assistant market inspector) has to talk to Bianca and is roped into watching her stall... ugh.
This is so Bianca can go and find Kat moping and give her instructions to buck up. Which works as Kat gets out from under her duvet (which she inexplicitly called a quilt) and decides to give up on men - we've heard that before.
Despite the business barely being a week old, Kat is taking tomorrow off and what better way to finish off a day of work than to play pass the parcel with your son? Except he's asleep, so Kat immediately kicks off but Alfie thought you could have dignity! He was wrong. DEAD WRONG!
Poxy shows some brains for once and tells Kat that she's sick of everyone treating her like the victim as if she hadn't been such a slapper, this wouldn't have happened and is promptly slapped for her troubles. Poxy shows restraint but taunts Kat, leading to a second slap and Poxy LAUNCHES herself at Kat and the two fall to the ground fighting and having to be pulled apart.
Count Moonula takes her home and lies through his teeth when he tells her she's the best mother there is. This bare faced lie warrants a kiss. Which Count Moonula returns... looks like nothing can stop Kat from her ambition to be the biggest slapper Walford ever 'ad.
Patrick is home and we have to suffer the indignity of watching Kim help him have his dinner. If that was insufficient, next up is Patrick having to go to the toilet. Later Kim is moaning about Patrick... who'd have thought full time care would be so hard?! Obviously Patrick overhears this.
Liam is working his way up to full fledged Kevin the Teenager status - this time by shunning the help of Masood... which helps the blossoming romance between Masood and Carol. To the point where they are having a drink in the Vic - goodness, next there will be wedding bells! Especially with Carol getting all glammed up... let's hope that there isn't a misunderstanding where she thinks this is a date and he doesn't! Oh, that happened. Did not see that coming... But don't worry, they're going on a PROPER date tomorrow because 30 years of marriage... you pretty much want to start dating immediately after that has ended.
Lola is not happy with "King Phil" as he first rejects a toy (unsuitable for children twelve months and under) and then doesn't let her see Lexi because she's late. Lola immediately calls ZE SOCIAL to tell them that King Phil is violating the terms of the custody agreement (again) and hundreds of jackbooted SS officers descend on Walford to kick down the door and pry Lexi from the gigantic sunburnt boiled egg and then proceed to beat him black and blue.
Oh, wait - that's what would have happened if Lola had an ounce of sense. No, she kicks the door that has been closed in her face and goes to The Arches where she has to be physically restrained to stop her from taking a hammer to a car. Dexter Fletcher then tells her she has to "play the game", Lola seems to think this involves doing a very racist impression of a Chinaman... not cool, Lola.
Lola's politically incorrect jokes aside, Phil is later discussing with Sharon the issue of Lola and she is on Lola's side. Which prompts Phil to tell some lies the gullible and intensely stupid Sharon swallows without question... but then the Boiled Egg's enemy returns and is following Dexter Fletcher's advice! As meek and mild as a new born kitten, smirking as she walks off.
Monday 18 February 2013
Monday 18th February 2013
Saint Alfie is pining for Kat, which is why Poxy walks in to talk about their pending divorce. Which Jean has now found out about. Jean breaks down crying as Alfie explains. It seems as if Kat and Alfie are playing pass the parcel with their child, he changes hands between the two of them on seemingly an hourly basis.
Poxy goes off to sulk on the swings and gets advice from Count Moonula... and spills about the divorce. Which means he goes to act strangely around Kat but as Bianca says sagaciously, "He is weird."
Alfie drags his heels some more on the divorce and really, it's not that surprising that but his recalcitrance is mistaken for amorous intent by the cackling duo of Bianca and Kat... so then we have Kat getting dolled up while Saint Alfie runs through his Wallace & Gromit impression.
The meeting of the "minds" occurs and Saint Alfie blubs his way through the divorce talk. Yawn. Alfie's talk is so long and meandering that Kat clocks what he's talking about. Kat does her brave face but then goes from acceptance to pleading for a second chance. If you could smell the desperation coming off her at this point, you'd be cutting your nose off for practical reasons and not spite.
To make matters worse, she realises that Jean, Poxy and Count Moonula all knew about this - which prompts a mini-shouty scene... Alfie takes her to one side and gives a genuinely laugh worthy line when he says (straight faced) "I thought we could do this with some dignity." Oh, Alfie - you are quite the card.
Phil returns to the Arches to start twirling his moustache. First (and most remarkably) going to the Arches and noticing the dearth of workers... it's not as if one MOT a decade needs THREE people full time! Lola appears and discovers that Phil was back on Friday! Phil pantos it up some more by forcing Lola to wait until the afternoon to see her own daughter.
ZE SOCIAL has returned and shockingly has something nice to say about Lola... that's certainly different. Ah, bad news for Don Mitchelloni as despite the whole spurious reason for the jackbooted thugs of the SS to pull a baby from her mother's arms having been the lack of someone to look after Lexi, the nebulous and never fully explained reasons for her being in care and now in her (alleged) grandfather's custody are apparently close to being resolved by her working at the saloon and "being positive"... The stupidity of the Crayon Crew truly is bottomless.
Phil rushes to the Vic - as he KNEW Sharon would be there - and talks to her about this new development, making it painfully obvious that he forgot his top hat and cape... What makes the scene unintentionally hilarious is the fact that Sharon seems surprised that master manipulator Phil is displeased at this turn of events, when he was willing to LIE AND COMMIT FRAUD to get this baby into his custody... Not only that but his ulterior motives have been PAINFULLY obvious at every step of the way.
Patrick is still being stubborn and has said he's going to stay with his son... for some reason Denise seems shocked... Patrick hasn't seen his son in YEARS and apparently hasn't met his daughter-in-law OR their grandchildren! Surely the opportunity to spend time with grandchildren is one of the things most people cherish about getting old?
Denise goes home to moan about this monumental injustice and Dot is apparently aware that going all the way to Scotland is like travelling to the far side of the universe. Quite why a real person would have such problems with someone going to see their son is beyond comprehension though. Or perhaps Dot just has a jaundiced view given her own progeny's proclivity for deception and trying to kill her?
Dot finally just tells everyone and all is right with the world... not going to see your son and grandkids then. Yay?
Twitney is working with the long lost Ava... wait, if she's supposed to be at Walford primary, why is she doing a playgroup at the community centre? BAD WRITING! Twitney has to deal with some PROBLEM YOUFFFFF, fortunately Ava is on hand to save the day.
Hilarity then (doesn't) ensue as Dexter hears Twitney talk about his mother in less than enamoured tones and some further signs that the Crayon Crew have at least some notion of how laughable their writing is (but not in a good way) with references to Tyler spending most of his time in the Vic, rather than on the stall and Phil being an "evil boss".
Twitney returns to the bar, sees Ava... then turns her back on her and mentions how she got her name wrong - only to THEN realise that Ava is right behind her. Twitney is a name well earned. Then they find out Dexter Fletcher is long lost Ava's son and Ava says Twitney did a good job. Just so long as it's over.
Poxy goes off to sulk on the swings and gets advice from Count Moonula... and spills about the divorce. Which means he goes to act strangely around Kat but as Bianca says sagaciously, "He is weird."
Alfie drags his heels some more on the divorce and really, it's not that surprising that but his recalcitrance is mistaken for amorous intent by the cackling duo of Bianca and Kat... so then we have Kat getting dolled up while Saint Alfie runs through his Wallace & Gromit impression.
The meeting of the "minds" occurs and Saint Alfie blubs his way through the divorce talk. Yawn. Alfie's talk is so long and meandering that Kat clocks what he's talking about. Kat does her brave face but then goes from acceptance to pleading for a second chance. If you could smell the desperation coming off her at this point, you'd be cutting your nose off for practical reasons and not spite.
To make matters worse, she realises that Jean, Poxy and Count Moonula all knew about this - which prompts a mini-shouty scene... Alfie takes her to one side and gives a genuinely laugh worthy line when he says (straight faced) "I thought we could do this with some dignity." Oh, Alfie - you are quite the card.
Phil returns to the Arches to start twirling his moustache. First (and most remarkably) going to the Arches and noticing the dearth of workers... it's not as if one MOT a decade needs THREE people full time! Lola appears and discovers that Phil was back on Friday! Phil pantos it up some more by forcing Lola to wait until the afternoon to see her own daughter.
ZE SOCIAL has returned and shockingly has something nice to say about Lola... that's certainly different. Ah, bad news for Don Mitchelloni as despite the whole spurious reason for the jackbooted thugs of the SS to pull a baby from her mother's arms having been the lack of someone to look after Lexi, the nebulous and never fully explained reasons for her being in care and now in her (alleged) grandfather's custody are apparently close to being resolved by her working at the saloon and "being positive"... The stupidity of the Crayon Crew truly is bottomless.
Phil rushes to the Vic - as he KNEW Sharon would be there - and talks to her about this new development, making it painfully obvious that he forgot his top hat and cape... What makes the scene unintentionally hilarious is the fact that Sharon seems surprised that master manipulator Phil is displeased at this turn of events, when he was willing to LIE AND COMMIT FRAUD to get this baby into his custody... Not only that but his ulterior motives have been PAINFULLY obvious at every step of the way.
Patrick is still being stubborn and has said he's going to stay with his son... for some reason Denise seems shocked... Patrick hasn't seen his son in YEARS and apparently hasn't met his daughter-in-law OR their grandchildren! Surely the opportunity to spend time with grandchildren is one of the things most people cherish about getting old?
Denise goes home to moan about this monumental injustice and Dot is apparently aware that going all the way to Scotland is like travelling to the far side of the universe. Quite why a real person would have such problems with someone going to see their son is beyond comprehension though. Or perhaps Dot just has a jaundiced view given her own progeny's proclivity for deception and trying to kill her?
Dot finally just tells everyone and all is right with the world... not going to see your son and grandkids then. Yay?
Twitney is working with the long lost Ava... wait, if she's supposed to be at Walford primary, why is she doing a playgroup at the community centre? BAD WRITING! Twitney has to deal with some PROBLEM YOUFFFFF, fortunately Ava is on hand to save the day.
Hilarity then (doesn't) ensue as Dexter hears Twitney talk about his mother in less than enamoured tones and some further signs that the Crayon Crew have at least some notion of how laughable their writing is (but not in a good way) with references to Tyler spending most of his time in the Vic, rather than on the stall and Phil being an "evil boss".
Twitney returns to the bar, sees Ava... then turns her back on her and mentions how she got her name wrong - only to THEN realise that Ava is right behind her. Twitney is a name well earned. Then they find out Dexter Fletcher is long lost Ava's son and Ava says Twitney did a good job. Just so long as it's over.
Friday 15 February 2013
Friday 15th February 2013
Kat comes out of the police station to see the waiting Saint Alfie... Poxy is sitting in the kitchen of the Vic... in the dark. A metaphor for the darkness of her ignorance? Anyway, she calls Saint Alfie but he doesn't answer because he's in A cafffffff (not THE cafffffff) with Kat, who begins explaining her current situation. It turns out that someone was injured during the thieving of that three or four dresses. Saint Alfie seems surprisingly unsympathetic for a man who left his supposed girlfriend on Valentine's in the middle of the night to go and be a shoulder to cry on for Kat.
Also, Kat's reason for being with Saint Alfie is that she couldn't face going back to the Square... since when did she care? She also says the security guard might die... OK, how does that affect her, exactly? She didn't steal the goods herself. She didn't even commission the stealing of the goods, she has only passed them on... So, while it might mean the police pursue this matter more vigorously - it doesn't exactly mean they'll be stringing her up.
And then there's an awkward bit before Alfie leaves to lie to Poxy about where he was. His fantastic excuse is he was "out walking". Genius! She'll never see through that!
Kat tells Bianca they're in the clear re: dodgy gear and it's back to work on the stall. This has all made Bianca realise this business needs to be above board. Sounds like a lot of work... no, seriously - a legtimate business in Walford? Even Ian was apparently insulating his walls with wodges of notes to prevent the taxman from getting his grubby mitts on his money. Bianca is pretty clearly on the edge of a nervous breakdown - mostly evidenced by the fact she has gone five minutes without an outburst of shouting! It might be so bad even a pep talk from misery guts Carol doesn't help!
Bianca gets a call from the school to tell her Liam is truanting... funny they didn't do ALL THE OTHER TIMES... it's that attention to detail that just lets you lose yourself in the hyper realism of Eastenders, isn't it? So, Bianca gets to talk to what the Crayon Crew imagine a teacher is... an ineffective, condescending bureaucrat who might as well be the sister of the child catcher/social worker - the contempt the writers have isn't even concealed, Bianca becoming the very definition of an author avatar and as the author is one of the Crayon Crew, it's moronic and idiotic vitriol that is spewed with no nuance or insight. Good to know you hate teachers too, Crayon Crew!
Liam gets a talking to and promises he'll go to school and stop lying... and most surprisingly of all, Bianca actually believe him... How stupid can you be? That stupid. Speaking of stupid, Poxy (who has been told by Kat that she's sorry about Alfie running off to her need) asks how stupid he thinks she is... Ooo, don't ask people that, Poxy... you won't like the answer! And this all leads Saint Alfie to say he's divorcing Kat.
Jacknocchio seems to have given up on his relationship with Sharon... and it's about damned time. Except it's all down to Sharon and Tanya having been BFFs for... all of thirty seconds but Jacknocchio's ire is sufficient to get her to go and talk to Kirstie and they agree to just play nice. Then she pops some balloons in the club... for some reason.
This seems to give her the idea to make it up to Jacknocchio by taking all the stuff from the R&R. Even her freakish Kinder Egg of a child points out that his mother is mad and stupid. However, there is a mysterious phonecall and when Jacknocchio returns, she's nowhere to be seen! Ruhroh, looks like she's decided that instead of a romantic dinner with her future husband to mend fences after the debacle last night, she'll go and spend some time with Phil - yeah, that'll definitely help!
Patrick had his operation - so much for waiting lists... it must be one of these late night operations that everyone is getting. People in Holby have to wait longer! Anyway, the opulent NHS of Walford aside - Dot comes along to tell Patrick to stop being an idiot and tell Denise that he needs a carer.
Oh and there's something involving Half-Day Alice but let's not kid ourselves - even if she cured cancer, set herself on fire and began World War III, it would be difficult to give a damn.
Also, Kat's reason for being with Saint Alfie is that she couldn't face going back to the Square... since when did she care? She also says the security guard might die... OK, how does that affect her, exactly? She didn't steal the goods herself. She didn't even commission the stealing of the goods, she has only passed them on... So, while it might mean the police pursue this matter more vigorously - it doesn't exactly mean they'll be stringing her up.
And then there's an awkward bit before Alfie leaves to lie to Poxy about where he was. His fantastic excuse is he was "out walking". Genius! She'll never see through that!
Kat tells Bianca they're in the clear re: dodgy gear and it's back to work on the stall. This has all made Bianca realise this business needs to be above board. Sounds like a lot of work... no, seriously - a legtimate business in Walford? Even Ian was apparently insulating his walls with wodges of notes to prevent the taxman from getting his grubby mitts on his money. Bianca is pretty clearly on the edge of a nervous breakdown - mostly evidenced by the fact she has gone five minutes without an outburst of shouting! It might be so bad even a pep talk from misery guts Carol doesn't help!
Bianca gets a call from the school to tell her Liam is truanting... funny they didn't do ALL THE OTHER TIMES... it's that attention to detail that just lets you lose yourself in the hyper realism of Eastenders, isn't it? So, Bianca gets to talk to what the Crayon Crew imagine a teacher is... an ineffective, condescending bureaucrat who might as well be the sister of the child catcher/social worker - the contempt the writers have isn't even concealed, Bianca becoming the very definition of an author avatar and as the author is one of the Crayon Crew, it's moronic and idiotic vitriol that is spewed with no nuance or insight. Good to know you hate teachers too, Crayon Crew!
Liam gets a talking to and promises he'll go to school and stop lying... and most surprisingly of all, Bianca actually believe him... How stupid can you be? That stupid. Speaking of stupid, Poxy (who has been told by Kat that she's sorry about Alfie running off to her need) asks how stupid he thinks she is... Ooo, don't ask people that, Poxy... you won't like the answer! And this all leads Saint Alfie to say he's divorcing Kat.
Jacknocchio seems to have given up on his relationship with Sharon... and it's about damned time. Except it's all down to Sharon and Tanya having been BFFs for... all of thirty seconds but Jacknocchio's ire is sufficient to get her to go and talk to Kirstie and they agree to just play nice. Then she pops some balloons in the club... for some reason.
This seems to give her the idea to make it up to Jacknocchio by taking all the stuff from the R&R. Even her freakish Kinder Egg of a child points out that his mother is mad and stupid. However, there is a mysterious phonecall and when Jacknocchio returns, she's nowhere to be seen! Ruhroh, looks like she's decided that instead of a romantic dinner with her future husband to mend fences after the debacle last night, she'll go and spend some time with Phil - yeah, that'll definitely help!
Patrick had his operation - so much for waiting lists... it must be one of these late night operations that everyone is getting. People in Holby have to wait longer! Anyway, the opulent NHS of Walford aside - Dot comes along to tell Patrick to stop being an idiot and tell Denise that he needs a carer.
Oh and there's something involving Half-Day Alice but let's not kid ourselves - even if she cured cancer, set herself on fire and began World War III, it would be difficult to give a damn.
Thursday 14 February 2013
Thursday 14th February 2013
Bianca is escorting Liam home... he acts the big man by saying "OR WHAT?! YOU'LL LAY INTO ME AGAIN?!" Big talk now, Liam - you looked like you needed a change of underwear when she did it last night.
As if Liam becoming a pound shop "Kevin the teenager" isn't enough, it turns out to the surprise of no one that the dresses Bianca obtained at rock bottom prices were stolen. Naturally, she has another breakdown at the prospect of going to prison... Kat should realise this is a good time to take charge of the situation. Shockingly, Kat realises Bianca is hysterical and she tells her to let her handle it... it says so much about the writing that these moments are so few and far between.
Sharon is romanced by Jacknocchio in the club... gag. Saint Aflie is romancing Poxy and it's out on the Square so he can kiss her and Kat can see them, then he and Alfie can share an awkward look. Kirstie and Max are having a romantic Valentine's afternoon tea. Fortunately we're spared the grizzly details of any sexual trysts they might have. Just as well after seeing Sharon and Jack carrying on - otherwise that would be romance dead and buried. Abi & Jay are enjoying Valentine's Day by testing fireworks... inside. Isn't Abi supposed to be the clever one?
Abi then spitefully rejects a card from her father and asks him pointedly what her mother is doing. Looks like Abi is wearing her sassy trousers today! Despite saying Valentine's is a joke, she seems only too happy to accept the gifts Jay then showers her with... he has a whole SACK of them. An actual sack full... and Abi giggles in near ecstasy as each new gift is produced... could the Crayon Crew be trying to make a comment on the fickle and shallow nature of women? You decide! But the answer is yes.
Especially as after this, Abi is ready for... THE SEX.
Patrick is in the hospital after his fall. Shockingly, it's a private room! Turns out (as Dot turns up), he'll need a carer but neither Denise or Kim are listed as next of kin... Dot and Patrick then go on to debate why they aren't... uh... because Patrick didn't put them down as next of kin? It makes you wonder whether the Crayon Crew have ever lived in the real world. Anyway, this all turns into an excuse for Patrick to shun Kim & Denise, lest he be a burden.
Dot then cheers Patrick up by talking about the hollow excuse for a life Jim has but before people start thinking about ending it all, Denise and Kim turn up. Patrick naturally doesn't mention the need for a carer and gets the nurse to call his long lost son.
All hands to the R&R... where there is apparently a stag party... what happened to the wedding thing? Wait... is THIS the wedding thing? Oh, let's not kid ourselves - the Crayon Crew doesn't know and we shouldn't care...
So, Saint Alfie and Poxy are at the R&R... because what could be more romantic for them than clubbing? Max CAN'T go to the R&R though because used car sales are mostly conducted at night. Mostly. Which leads to him standing up Kirstie. She's not best pleased and so goes into the R&R for some happy fun times... immediately causing Poxy and Sharon to bond over their hatred of her... uh, why does Sharon hate her? And if Poxy doesn't like her, why did she hire her?
Bianca goes into some kind of fugue state when she sees Kirstie wearing one of the dodgy dresses and the next thing we know, Jacknocchio is having to intervene... because when you've been a purveyor of stolen merchandise the things you want to do are draw attention not just to the person wearing it but yourself and the fact you want them to give the dress back... because that's NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL! When Sharon comes to add her "What's going on here?" to Jacknocchio's, even Bianca realises in her hysterical state that this may not be a good thing to explain and backs off... shocking.
Saint Alfie has a chat with Kat about Tommy and Poxy immediately starts in on him... no change there then. She seems shocked that going to the club isn't romantic... I don't think even the most enthusiastic clubber would describe a club as a place of romance... and no one would describe THIS club as a place of romance.
Kat and Bianca decide to go home and are accosted by a gang of DA YOUFF. It's one of those well known multi-ethnic gangs seen... mostly on TV and it looks like Liam is up well past his bed time! Shocking but things get worse as Kat points to the police outside Bianca's door! They threaten to cart her off to the station but Kat takes the bullet for her.
As if Liam becoming a pound shop "Kevin the teenager" isn't enough, it turns out to the surprise of no one that the dresses Bianca obtained at rock bottom prices were stolen. Naturally, she has another breakdown at the prospect of going to prison... Kat should realise this is a good time to take charge of the situation. Shockingly, Kat realises Bianca is hysterical and she tells her to let her handle it... it says so much about the writing that these moments are so few and far between.
Sharon is romanced by Jacknocchio in the club... gag. Saint Aflie is romancing Poxy and it's out on the Square so he can kiss her and Kat can see them, then he and Alfie can share an awkward look. Kirstie and Max are having a romantic Valentine's afternoon tea. Fortunately we're spared the grizzly details of any sexual trysts they might have. Just as well after seeing Sharon and Jack carrying on - otherwise that would be romance dead and buried. Abi & Jay are enjoying Valentine's Day by testing fireworks... inside. Isn't Abi supposed to be the clever one?
Abi then spitefully rejects a card from her father and asks him pointedly what her mother is doing. Looks like Abi is wearing her sassy trousers today! Despite saying Valentine's is a joke, she seems only too happy to accept the gifts Jay then showers her with... he has a whole SACK of them. An actual sack full... and Abi giggles in near ecstasy as each new gift is produced... could the Crayon Crew be trying to make a comment on the fickle and shallow nature of women? You decide! But the answer is yes.
Especially as after this, Abi is ready for... THE SEX.
Patrick is in the hospital after his fall. Shockingly, it's a private room! Turns out (as Dot turns up), he'll need a carer but neither Denise or Kim are listed as next of kin... Dot and Patrick then go on to debate why they aren't... uh... because Patrick didn't put them down as next of kin? It makes you wonder whether the Crayon Crew have ever lived in the real world. Anyway, this all turns into an excuse for Patrick to shun Kim & Denise, lest he be a burden.
Dot then cheers Patrick up by talking about the hollow excuse for a life Jim has but before people start thinking about ending it all, Denise and Kim turn up. Patrick naturally doesn't mention the need for a carer and gets the nurse to call his long lost son.
All hands to the R&R... where there is apparently a stag party... what happened to the wedding thing? Wait... is THIS the wedding thing? Oh, let's not kid ourselves - the Crayon Crew doesn't know and we shouldn't care...
So, Saint Alfie and Poxy are at the R&R... because what could be more romantic for them than clubbing? Max CAN'T go to the R&R though because used car sales are mostly conducted at night. Mostly. Which leads to him standing up Kirstie. She's not best pleased and so goes into the R&R for some happy fun times... immediately causing Poxy and Sharon to bond over their hatred of her... uh, why does Sharon hate her? And if Poxy doesn't like her, why did she hire her?
Bianca goes into some kind of fugue state when she sees Kirstie wearing one of the dodgy dresses and the next thing we know, Jacknocchio is having to intervene... because when you've been a purveyor of stolen merchandise the things you want to do are draw attention not just to the person wearing it but yourself and the fact you want them to give the dress back... because that's NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL! When Sharon comes to add her "What's going on here?" to Jacknocchio's, even Bianca realises in her hysterical state that this may not be a good thing to explain and backs off... shocking.
Saint Alfie has a chat with Kat about Tommy and Poxy immediately starts in on him... no change there then. She seems shocked that going to the club isn't romantic... I don't think even the most enthusiastic clubber would describe a club as a place of romance... and no one would describe THIS club as a place of romance.
Kat and Bianca decide to go home and are accosted by a gang of DA YOUFF. It's one of those well known multi-ethnic gangs seen... mostly on TV and it looks like Liam is up well past his bed time! Shocking but things get worse as Kat points to the police outside Bianca's door! They threaten to cart her off to the station but Kat takes the bullet for her.
Tuesday 12 February 2013
Tuesday 12th February 2013
Carol is reacting surprisingly blasé to Liam having his collar felt... Bianca is still fuming but doesn't bother telling him that continuing his truanting will send her back to jail. Ray - having remembered Morgan is his son and that he moved to Walford exclusively for the purposes of actually SEEING him - is on hand to give Liam a talking to. Man-to-man! One "you're not my father" later and they're done.
Kat remarks in response to Liam acting up that with all the stuff Tommi has been through, he'll probably be a nightmare... if Kat is saying that, one can only imagine they'll have to nuke Walford from orbit... although, that's probably a desirable course of action right now anyway.
Somehow Bianca secures better stock but these good fortunes are predictably ruined when she receives a phonecall about Liam truanting. This prompts Shirley to describe her attempts to find her son and address this issue as something that would put her in the running for mother of the year... Without a hint of irony. OK, Shirley prefaced this by saying she wasn't the best mother in the world but seriously?
Anyway, Bianca has to explain she could lose the kids and go back to prison if this tomfoolery continues. Cue tearful breakdown... but quite why having your children in care (shh, is that the jack boots of ZE SOCIAL?!) is the only reason you can be angry that they're truanting is beyond comprehension... Do the Crayon Crew really have such a dim view of the working classes? What a silly question - OF COURSE THEY DO! The patronising middle class contempt oozes forth in every poorly formed sentence and chicken nugget.
Bianca is apparently suffering PTSD from her time in jail. Anything that would make you long to be back in Walford must be a cruel and unusual punishment... Liam reappears and does a very teenage "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!" moan to Shirley, who tells him to go home and be nice to his mother.
Carol tells Bianca that running a business takes a lot of time... this is only just NOW coming up? Wow. Apparently she made Liam some lasagne - with baked beans in it... and that's a reason for them to have a heart-to-heart and reconcile... for all of five seconds before Liam suddenly turns spiteful, saying he earns more than Bianca (he probably does) and generally being defiant. So he walks off and Bianca looks about ready to pummel him when Carol walks in.
Tamwar is practising for an interview to become a market inspector. Exciting.
Tamwar then goes on to tell Twitney that this makes it feel as if his life is over before it has even begun... so, not the fact your infeasibly attractive wife left you and the odds of you getting another willing female of a similar age and comparable looks are about the same as being given a winning lottery ticket by Elvis, in a flying double decker bus flown by Lord Lucan then? That seems slightly worse than sweeping the streets, really... and what happened to the stall on the market?
And he got the job... he's about as excited as someone that has been diagnosed with rickets.
Kim's curtains are drooping... but for no adequately explained reason, Joey comes in and is bribed into fixing them but he's called away by work of all things... Who knew barmen were on call? During this, Jay and the ever grizzled Shirley are making humourous asides at Kim's expense... yes, antagonise someone who is putting you up for free - that'll work out REAAAL well for you.
Abi is stressing because her entire family is a car crash, fortunately Jay is on hand to offer reassurance. It's a tender and sweet moment that really feels out of place in the perpetually nightmarish, poorly written miasma of misanthropy. Fortunately, to snap us back to what passes for reality in Walford, Abi returns to find Lauren drunkenly dancing around in her jammies.
Lauren... in a moment of drunken clarity remarks that they've got things pretty good compared to some of her (unseen and unmentioned) friends who can't even remember the names of their biological parents and that Tanya will return... presumably when Max, Kirstie et al are playing happy families and she can walk in and look shocked.
For some reason Arfuuuuuuuuuur has been getting worried about Patrick lifting boxes of crisps and chairs... yes, he's getting on a bit but he's not exactly at Death's door yet. He's not even at the gate to the pathway to Death's door... probably just walking onto the street Death's house is on.
Upon returning to the B&B, Kim apologies for being a cow and gives him some rum... and so, despite having practically dragged him back in the house to fix it that morning, now Kim tells him to just leave it. Which immediately means that Patrick has to prove that he's not passed it yet and predictably leads to him having a bit of a tumble.
Joey flirts with some new lady and then goes to talk to Sharon... and she's about as agreeable as a box full of angry wasps... Jack really is a lucky man! In fact, Sharon is being such an insufferable bitch that she threatens Joey with the fire despite it being abundantly clear that he's trying to tell her something. This something turns out to be that the new lady is a wedding planner - apparently R&R is the perfect venue... that the wedding planner wants ON VALENTINE'S DAY... with a whole two days notice. Sharon even point out there isn't enough time to plan (since when has that ever mattered? Theme night are traditionally thought up in the late afternoon of the same day they occur) but apparently all they need to do is keep the drink flowing... This cheers Dragron up no end.
Kat remarks in response to Liam acting up that with all the stuff Tommi has been through, he'll probably be a nightmare... if Kat is saying that, one can only imagine they'll have to nuke Walford from orbit... although, that's probably a desirable course of action right now anyway.
Somehow Bianca secures better stock but these good fortunes are predictably ruined when she receives a phonecall about Liam truanting. This prompts Shirley to describe her attempts to find her son and address this issue as something that would put her in the running for mother of the year... Without a hint of irony. OK, Shirley prefaced this by saying she wasn't the best mother in the world but seriously?
Anyway, Bianca has to explain she could lose the kids and go back to prison if this tomfoolery continues. Cue tearful breakdown... but quite why having your children in care (shh, is that the jack boots of ZE SOCIAL?!) is the only reason you can be angry that they're truanting is beyond comprehension... Do the Crayon Crew really have such a dim view of the working classes? What a silly question - OF COURSE THEY DO! The patronising middle class contempt oozes forth in every poorly formed sentence and chicken nugget.
Bianca is apparently suffering PTSD from her time in jail. Anything that would make you long to be back in Walford must be a cruel and unusual punishment... Liam reappears and does a very teenage "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!" moan to Shirley, who tells him to go home and be nice to his mother.
Carol tells Bianca that running a business takes a lot of time... this is only just NOW coming up? Wow. Apparently she made Liam some lasagne - with baked beans in it... and that's a reason for them to have a heart-to-heart and reconcile... for all of five seconds before Liam suddenly turns spiteful, saying he earns more than Bianca (he probably does) and generally being defiant. So he walks off and Bianca looks about ready to pummel him when Carol walks in.
Tamwar is practising for an interview to become a market inspector. Exciting.
Tamwar then goes on to tell Twitney that this makes it feel as if his life is over before it has even begun... so, not the fact your infeasibly attractive wife left you and the odds of you getting another willing female of a similar age and comparable looks are about the same as being given a winning lottery ticket by Elvis, in a flying double decker bus flown by Lord Lucan then? That seems slightly worse than sweeping the streets, really... and what happened to the stall on the market?
And he got the job... he's about as excited as someone that has been diagnosed with rickets.
Kim's curtains are drooping... but for no adequately explained reason, Joey comes in and is bribed into fixing them but he's called away by work of all things... Who knew barmen were on call? During this, Jay and the ever grizzled Shirley are making humourous asides at Kim's expense... yes, antagonise someone who is putting you up for free - that'll work out REAAAL well for you.
Abi is stressing because her entire family is a car crash, fortunately Jay is on hand to offer reassurance. It's a tender and sweet moment that really feels out of place in the perpetually nightmarish, poorly written miasma of misanthropy. Fortunately, to snap us back to what passes for reality in Walford, Abi returns to find Lauren drunkenly dancing around in her jammies.
Lauren... in a moment of drunken clarity remarks that they've got things pretty good compared to some of her (unseen and unmentioned) friends who can't even remember the names of their biological parents and that Tanya will return... presumably when Max, Kirstie et al are playing happy families and she can walk in and look shocked.
For some reason Arfuuuuuuuuuur has been getting worried about Patrick lifting boxes of crisps and chairs... yes, he's getting on a bit but he's not exactly at Death's door yet. He's not even at the gate to the pathway to Death's door... probably just walking onto the street Death's house is on.
Upon returning to the B&B, Kim apologies for being a cow and gives him some rum... and so, despite having practically dragged him back in the house to fix it that morning, now Kim tells him to just leave it. Which immediately means that Patrick has to prove that he's not passed it yet and predictably leads to him having a bit of a tumble.
Joey flirts with some new lady and then goes to talk to Sharon... and she's about as agreeable as a box full of angry wasps... Jack really is a lucky man! In fact, Sharon is being such an insufferable bitch that she threatens Joey with the fire despite it being abundantly clear that he's trying to tell her something. This something turns out to be that the new lady is a wedding planner - apparently R&R is the perfect venue... that the wedding planner wants ON VALENTINE'S DAY... with a whole two days notice. Sharon even point out there isn't enough time to plan (since when has that ever mattered? Theme night are traditionally thought up in the late afternoon of the same day they occur) but apparently all they need to do is keep the drink flowing... This cheers Dragron up no end.
Monday 11 February 2013
Monday 11th February 2013
Bianca is beleaguered again. Her kids have reappeared and are doing their best bargain bin impersonation of the kids from Outnumbered... She has just seen Morgan's "tagging" (because he's a black kid inner city kid and that's what they do!) when Kat swans in, doing her best Christmas turkey impersonation to date... and of course, Bianca promises to get Twitney a new top and paying for Liam to go on a school trip - despite having said she hasn't two pennies to rub together.
Saint Alfie congratulates Kat and Bianca about their stall, then goes to tell Poxy about his good deeds. She's not too happy about the loan... or even looking at Kat... and she takes this out on Kirstie (now inexplicably NOT caked in make-up) who has returned... but then, you have to wonder what kind of response you're going to get when you leave your job MID-SHIFT. Even Poxy isn't stupid enough to take her back... and that's saying something.
Kirstie having burnt her bridges at the Vic has to be subject to a long, boring cricket story from Patrick... so pointless that even Kirstie has to ask what the point is at the end... which is to be nice. Steady on, Patrick - this is Walford. This works though, as Poxy hires her back.
Kat and Bianca make their first sale... and apparently that first tenner is going to Liam's school trip... Let's hope nothing goes awry to thwart that ambition and break that promise... and it's not as if Liam had his own job or anything. Then Poxy comes along to drop off the baby... for reasons.
Cue Kat giving her money to Bianca and saying "money doesn't matter"... a sentiment generally reserved for rich people who are insulated from the daily grind and not struggling single mothers, living on the charity of others. She uses Tommy's sniffles as an excuse to call Alfie round as she pretends he was more poorly... in which case, you should have called a doctor, not a cheeky publican! It seems as if Alfie can smell the desperation though and it's about as appealing to him as a horse flavoured ready meal.
The probation officer comes a callin' and goodness, Carol (not knowing he's there) calls out asking if "the nosy probation clown" will be there soon. Side-splitting. Despite that setback, everything has apparently gone fine - which is why it should come as no surprise when Liam comes home in the custody of two of Walford's finest... and he's guilty of repeated truancy... which is a shock to her (despite the fact she'd have received multiple letters and phonecalls about it) and there's a fine... OR IT'S BACK TO PRISON!
Tamwar is mopey because Zainab left... how would anyone notice? The only way to cure this is university... but Tamwar mopes about the evils of tuition fees. So they require money and apparently now with new evil regional manager (adhering to the rules and the law - the heartless bastard), they can't just give jobs to family and friends, they have to give them to qualified people! Although, work in the Minute Mart seems to mostly be gossiping and leaving the counter unattended.
Tamwar is more upset about the absence of his mother (and brother) than Masood... but suggesting university again fixes that.
A Lola and Pointless Poppy plot? IN THE SALON! That's sure to set hearts racing... to stop.
Saint Alfie congratulates Kat and Bianca about their stall, then goes to tell Poxy about his good deeds. She's not too happy about the loan... or even looking at Kat... and she takes this out on Kirstie (now inexplicably NOT caked in make-up) who has returned... but then, you have to wonder what kind of response you're going to get when you leave your job MID-SHIFT. Even Poxy isn't stupid enough to take her back... and that's saying something.
Kirstie having burnt her bridges at the Vic has to be subject to a long, boring cricket story from Patrick... so pointless that even Kirstie has to ask what the point is at the end... which is to be nice. Steady on, Patrick - this is Walford. This works though, as Poxy hires her back.
Kat and Bianca make their first sale... and apparently that first tenner is going to Liam's school trip... Let's hope nothing goes awry to thwart that ambition and break that promise... and it's not as if Liam had his own job or anything. Then Poxy comes along to drop off the baby... for reasons.
Cue Kat giving her money to Bianca and saying "money doesn't matter"... a sentiment generally reserved for rich people who are insulated from the daily grind and not struggling single mothers, living on the charity of others. She uses Tommy's sniffles as an excuse to call Alfie round as she pretends he was more poorly... in which case, you should have called a doctor, not a cheeky publican! It seems as if Alfie can smell the desperation though and it's about as appealing to him as a horse flavoured ready meal.
The probation officer comes a callin' and goodness, Carol (not knowing he's there) calls out asking if "the nosy probation clown" will be there soon. Side-splitting. Despite that setback, everything has apparently gone fine - which is why it should come as no surprise when Liam comes home in the custody of two of Walford's finest... and he's guilty of repeated truancy... which is a shock to her (despite the fact she'd have received multiple letters and phonecalls about it) and there's a fine... OR IT'S BACK TO PRISON!
Tamwar is mopey because Zainab left... how would anyone notice? The only way to cure this is university... but Tamwar mopes about the evils of tuition fees. So they require money and apparently now with new evil regional manager (adhering to the rules and the law - the heartless bastard), they can't just give jobs to family and friends, they have to give them to qualified people! Although, work in the Minute Mart seems to mostly be gossiping and leaving the counter unattended.
Tamwar is more upset about the absence of his mother (and brother) than Masood... but suggesting university again fixes that.
A Lola and Pointless Poppy plot? IN THE SALON! That's sure to set hearts racing... to stop.
Friday 8 February 2013
Friday 8th February 2013
Zainab is sobbing because Masood isn't going to marry her. She blubbers a bit and then kisses Masood but he pushes her off and then runs upstairs to start throwing clothes on the bed and discussing the specifics of the divorce... dull, dull, dull. Kamil has also apparently disappeared and isn't woken up by the screaming match his parents are having... Zainab is also concerned about the repercussions of their lives together coming to an end.
Which might be a valid concern if not for the fact that they had DIVORCED AND SHE REMARRIED! Good grief... That's not some minor plot point, that was a major storyline and yet it's not even mentioned but when we return, things have calmed down and the couple are laughing... for about ten seconds before it's back to the prosaic paint-by-numbers melodrama. Yawn.
Zainab is absconding with Kamil RIGHT NOW, apparently... which Masood is surprisingly OK with. All the way back to Pakistan... Tamwar returns to have his parents lie about how Zainab is just going "on holiday". She at least has the common courtesy to apologise for being a terrible mother. Damnit, Zainab take that constipated killjoy with you! And... taxi for Zainab, it's a bit like the end of The Apprentice - with regret, Zainab YOU'RE FIRED! You too Kamil!
In the Vic, the imminent wedding of Twitney and Tyler is being celebrated. Yawn. Bianca is not particularly enthused... and when the groom is one of the Goonies... who can blame her? Having remembered that Dot is on the Square (and having paid lipservice to the fact she is being weighed down with debt) the Crayon Crew set about the televisual equivalent of vandalism to one of the shows favourite characters as Dot (somehow INSTANTLY intoxicated) plays "Never Have I Ever" (inexplicably given a far more stupid and clunky name) and behaves as if she is a completely different character... let's call her Bizzaro Dot. Fortunately this doesn't last long. Let us never speak of Bizaaro Dot again.
Tamwar and Lucy discuss the destruction of his parent's marriage as if they're old friends, rather than people who have barely even been in the same room together. Then she tells him about her cancer scare - she went to the doctor and is waiting for the results. Yawn.
Thursday 7 February 2013
Thursday 7th February 2013
We open to a ponderously slow and tedious scene of the Masood house early in the morning that someone probably thought was clever or artistic but is really just painfully dull. Zainab is apparently upset that Masood (might have) thought about getting it on with the Geordie Racer. When dawn breaks, the mini-Masood has appeared! Presumably only to disappear. Zainab is making up for her emotional turmoil with cleaning. Much like the scene at the start, this just drags on and on...
Until Masood says if he wanted to marry Zainab - he'd have done it months ago... but apparently she's rolling with the punches as they're fine later on. Oh and despite Mini-Masood now being able to speak, they apparently only JUST realised that all four of their children have never been in the same room together... Eh, I suppose Eastenders is at least avoiding the cliché of Asian families being closer...
Z shows Masood she is fun by apparently mastering the art of sorcery and conjuring from the aether, a games console complete with Guitar Hero guitar attachment but before we can see her attempt to beat AJ's score on Livin' On A Prayer (WE'RE HALFWAY THERE!), Masood unplugs the TV. You shouldn't do that... bad for electronics.
Cue lengthy discussion of feeeeeeeeeelings... wow, thirteen year olds writing about how their parents not letting them dye their hair black is the worst thing in the history of time is more emotionally articulate and nuanced than this trite nonsense. FINALLY, after what seems like more time than for an accretion disk around a sun to form a planet, that planet to cool, life to arise and evolve into bipedal lifeforms with aspirations of writing bad soap operas - Masood gets it over with and says he's not marrying her... which might have had SOME impact, if not for the fact he said it TEN MINUTES AGO!
AJ goes to tell Denise about THE CLEANING... and uses it as an excuse to ask her out for lunch. Which fails and so he decides to start drinking outside the Vic... and is apparently drunk enough to hit on Kat and Bianca? Both of them being below the poverty line are more than willing to start drinking at lunch time. It's not as if they have dozens of things to do to start their own business.
Oh and apparently Denise shows up... and she comments on his intoxication. Goodness. She puts together the imminent divorce of Masood and Zainab almost immediately. Funny how people are often incapable of putting anything together in Eastenders but sometimes they just INSTANTLY get something... like that one time when Abi became a human lie detector.
AJ apparently wants to buy champagne for Kat and Bianca... but hasn't the money... and uncharacteristically, Saint Alfie isn't even going to extend him credit... Drinking is an understandable (if unhealthy) reaction to this kind of situation but why on Earth would you want to get price gouged for overpriced low quality fizz in the Vic? We may never know as later, AJ is dead to the world with a death grip on his pint glass. No, seriously - Poxy has to pry it from his hand.
Tamwar goes to get cheered up by Arfuuuuuuuuuuur who asks what he's worried about - after all his parents have broken up lots! Perhaps he has some wisdom from DA STREET (as imagined by middle aged white men whose knowledge of subatomic particles greatly exceeds their understanding of young mixed race urban individuals). Nope. It was hard when his parents broke up... that's about it.
We almost escape the Masoods as the rest of DA YOUFF find out about Twitney & Tyler getting married. Tamwar sits in the back being sarcastic... and looking like a manikin .. if mothers ever want an example of "the wind will change and your face will stay like that", look no further than Tamwar as a cautionary tale. He also seems surprised that they're going to announce the engagement in The Vic... not particularly surprising he didn't get into Oxbridge if that comes as a surprise, he'd be lucky to get into a swimming pool with that lack of wits.
Dot offers some sagacious words to the perpetually tummy troubled Tamwar - they'll either sort things out or they won't. For some reason, when he returns home with his little brother in tow, he thinks it's a good idea for him to sit and overhear the "emotional" blow-by-blow of the breakdown of their parents' marriage. Yeah, that's going to give the boy a whole mess of baggage.
Tuesday 5 February 2013
Tuesday 5th February 2013
Masood is still smashing the water feature and this activates the homing signal in the entire Masood family, as they all magically appear at the same time. Even Tamwar... sadly, it looks as if his constipation is still terminal.
Zainab posits that Masood is in the midst of a breakdown but then decides they need to get back to normal. Geordie Racer starts acting crazy and shouts at Zainab - it's about time someone did. Then it's time for her to reveal that she loves Masood and everything between that and Zainab telling her to leave is padding. TAXI FOR GEORDIE RACER! And Zainab tells Masood she knows EVERYTHING... eh, he didn't do anything wrong.
Max (still covered in jam) chases after Abi, who has escaped the terrifying sight of him half-naked. He then tries to bribe her! And she storms off. Lauren decides that this is a good occasion to start drinking... really, it's surprising that she's limiting herself to just the abuse of alcohol. She tells Max that it might have been a good idea to not shag Kirstie five minutes after Tanya walked out the door.
After the best part of eighteen years, it would seem that Max's kids have finally worked out that he lies constantly and so they decide to tell him to get out... apparently Kirstie is all he needs though. Still, he's probably used to being estranged from his family by now...
Joey's suspicions about Count Moonula are fuelled by finding some earrings and decides to shout at him... a tried and tested interrogation technique. Which gets him nowhere. Half-Day Alice isn't exactly pleased that Joey was rifling through her things. Oh and Joey ends up hanging around Count Moonula's house before punching him, insisting Half-Day leaves and then skulking off on his own.
Bianca is not best pleased at Twitney's imminent nuptials to Tyler. She has her whole life ahead of her! Not if they don't diagnose that case of jaundice she has! Or whatever it is that has turned her into an oompa loompa...
Oh, Lucy's cancer. Can't forget that (although the Crayon Crew almost certainly will). The best place to discuss this kind of serious topic is obviously outside, on the swings, at night in midwinter.
Zainab posits that Masood is in the midst of a breakdown but then decides they need to get back to normal. Geordie Racer starts acting crazy and shouts at Zainab - it's about time someone did. Then it's time for her to reveal that she loves Masood and everything between that and Zainab telling her to leave is padding. TAXI FOR GEORDIE RACER! And Zainab tells Masood she knows EVERYTHING... eh, he didn't do anything wrong.
Max (still covered in jam) chases after Abi, who has escaped the terrifying sight of him half-naked. He then tries to bribe her! And she storms off. Lauren decides that this is a good occasion to start drinking... really, it's surprising that she's limiting herself to just the abuse of alcohol. She tells Max that it might have been a good idea to not shag Kirstie five minutes after Tanya walked out the door.
After the best part of eighteen years, it would seem that Max's kids have finally worked out that he lies constantly and so they decide to tell him to get out... apparently Kirstie is all he needs though. Still, he's probably used to being estranged from his family by now...
Joey's suspicions about Count Moonula are fuelled by finding some earrings and decides to shout at him... a tried and tested interrogation technique. Which gets him nowhere. Half-Day Alice isn't exactly pleased that Joey was rifling through her things. Oh and Joey ends up hanging around Count Moonula's house before punching him, insisting Half-Day leaves and then skulking off on his own.
Bianca is not best pleased at Twitney's imminent nuptials to Tyler. She has her whole life ahead of her! Not if they don't diagnose that case of jaundice she has! Or whatever it is that has turned her into an oompa loompa...
Oh, Lucy's cancer. Can't forget that (although the Crayon Crew almost certainly will). The best place to discuss this kind of serious topic is obviously outside, on the swings, at night in midwinter.
Monday 4th January 2013
Not making that water feature has ruined everything for the Masood family... that's the way of things, isn't it? One unfinished water feature ruins a marriage. Geordie Racer asks why he didn't turn up when the imam was there. It's a big deal to unveil this water feature though! WORD NEEDS TO BE PUT AROUND! Count Moonula even says that Masood is an idiot OUT LOUD... just in case in devotion wasn't clearly excessive.
There is a grand unveiling and... it's bubbling and red. Oh, apparently it's pink. Goodness. Truly, nothing worse has ever happened in human history. Which is why Zainab bursts into Bianca's house and murders the children responsible... sorry, that would be a far more INTERESTING story. She just goes in shouts, gets shouted at and leaves.
Masood and Zainab have an argument, most predicated by Zainab being even MORE panto than usual... this prompts Masood to walk outside, grab a conveniently placed sledgehammer (no reason to keep costly tools inside in a crime ridden sinkhole like Walford, after all!)
Cora - being older than the pyramids - is incapable of buying food, while Max (still with jam on his face) skulks in one of the seldom seen alleys. Apparently Jay and Dexter are going to sort Abi's money worries though. What better way to achieve this than POKER?! An exciting three player, low stakes game in the Arches! Enough to keep you on the edge of your seat... if you're sitting on a piece of string.
Needless to say, it fails. Horribly. Abi isn't happy. Imagine how she feels when seeing her Scotch Egg of a father half-naked in bed clearly post-coital with the terrifying Secret Wife in front of her. Oh dear.
Perhaps somewhat significantly, Tyler tells Saint Alfie about his impending marriage to Twitney with Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills" playing in the background... but Twitney has a new job and the interview is in the caffffffffffff. The ever skeletal Lucy is on hand and for some reason, she's twitchier than a crack addict! No need to worry though, even though they want to keep it quiet Tyler only told Alfie!
What's that over there? LUCY CANCER SCARE!
There is a grand unveiling and... it's bubbling and red. Oh, apparently it's pink. Goodness. Truly, nothing worse has ever happened in human history. Which is why Zainab bursts into Bianca's house and murders the children responsible... sorry, that would be a far more INTERESTING story. She just goes in shouts, gets shouted at and leaves.
Masood and Zainab have an argument, most predicated by Zainab being even MORE panto than usual... this prompts Masood to walk outside, grab a conveniently placed sledgehammer (no reason to keep costly tools inside in a crime ridden sinkhole like Walford, after all!)
Cora - being older than the pyramids - is incapable of buying food, while Max (still with jam on his face) skulks in one of the seldom seen alleys. Apparently Jay and Dexter are going to sort Abi's money worries though. What better way to achieve this than POKER?! An exciting three player, low stakes game in the Arches! Enough to keep you on the edge of your seat... if you're sitting on a piece of string.
Needless to say, it fails. Horribly. Abi isn't happy. Imagine how she feels when seeing her Scotch Egg of a father half-naked in bed clearly post-coital with the terrifying Secret Wife in front of her. Oh dear.
Perhaps somewhat significantly, Tyler tells Saint Alfie about his impending marriage to Twitney with Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills" playing in the background... but Twitney has a new job and the interview is in the caffffffffffff. The ever skeletal Lucy is on hand and for some reason, she's twitchier than a crack addict! No need to worry though, even though they want to keep it quiet Tyler only told Alfie!
What's that over there? LUCY CANCER SCARE!
Friday 1 February 2013
Friday 1st February 2013
Masood is working on the water feature as Geordie Racer looks lustfully on from inside. She's apparently going to see Rasheed though - not really, she was just tricking him into going back into the house. Rinse and repeat of the same conversation they've had many times now - Masood tells her she's young and foolish, she tells him Zainab isn't good enough for him.
This is soapland, so Zainab returns within minutes to prove Geordie Racer's point - demanding he finish the water feature that night, despite the fact he was working on it since early that morning AND has run out of tiles AND that it's mid-winter! She has a go at him for running out of tiles not once but TWICE... Masood returns to overhear Zainab talking to the imam - which leads him to noisily exit the house.
Count Moonula's house (which somehow looks like a bombsite again) welcomes Half-Day Alice to another day o' work (actually, she seemed to do a half-day) and then he's off. Undeterred by Tiffany ambushing him, Joey feels the need to ambush him too... Weird.
Apparently Alice has gone nanners as she has taken Tyler's shoes hostage. This is apparently sufficient coercion to induce the feckless Moon to tidy up the entire house by the time the Count returns. For some reason, he bought her flower and she bought him a bottle of wine... Weirder and weirder. The somewhat embittered Tyler decides to set Joey off by intimating that Count Moonula and Half-Day are more than merely employer and employee.
Max is brooding about Kirstie now. Multi-tasking on wife angst, eh? A truly modern take on idiocy. Max decides that she has sent the ring back because she has gone back to "some fellah" and with nothing better to do (like running a business), he's off to look for her and yet when Jacknocchio points out this is a bad idea and that he'd do better to forget it. Wise words - which is why Max ignores them.
He drives off to deepest darkest Walford... actually, there is no clue as to where it is but presumably all of five minutes away. Within mere moments of arriving at a run down (even by the low standards of third world Walford) house, Kirstie appears - followed in quick succession by a thuggish ex, clear indications that Kirstie has been hit by the thuggish ex, Max punching the thuggish ex and then Max getting a beating... sadly, we miss most of the beating, as it's done behind closed doors but sometime later, he's ejected looking "injured". Hey Max, you've got red on you.
Instead of going to the hospital - or getting a doughnut to wipe up all that jam - they talk in the car and end up kissing. Yawn.
There are also two plots barely worth mentioning - Tiffany wants to be a pop singer (and requires a Simon Cowell) and Tyler inexplicably decides that the best way to make things up to Twitney is marriage. Most bafflingly of all, he's apparently able to waltz into a nursery unchallenged and get kids to write out the proposal for him.
This is soapland, so Zainab returns within minutes to prove Geordie Racer's point - demanding he finish the water feature that night, despite the fact he was working on it since early that morning AND has run out of tiles AND that it's mid-winter! She has a go at him for running out of tiles not once but TWICE... Masood returns to overhear Zainab talking to the imam - which leads him to noisily exit the house.
Count Moonula's house (which somehow looks like a bombsite again) welcomes Half-Day Alice to another day o' work (actually, she seemed to do a half-day) and then he's off. Undeterred by Tiffany ambushing him, Joey feels the need to ambush him too... Weird.
Apparently Alice has gone nanners as she has taken Tyler's shoes hostage. This is apparently sufficient coercion to induce the feckless Moon to tidy up the entire house by the time the Count returns. For some reason, he bought her flower and she bought him a bottle of wine... Weirder and weirder. The somewhat embittered Tyler decides to set Joey off by intimating that Count Moonula and Half-Day are more than merely employer and employee.
Max is brooding about Kirstie now. Multi-tasking on wife angst, eh? A truly modern take on idiocy. Max decides that she has sent the ring back because she has gone back to "some fellah" and with nothing better to do (like running a business), he's off to look for her and yet when Jacknocchio points out this is a bad idea and that he'd do better to forget it. Wise words - which is why Max ignores them.
He drives off to deepest darkest Walford... actually, there is no clue as to where it is but presumably all of five minutes away. Within mere moments of arriving at a run down (even by the low standards of third world Walford) house, Kirstie appears - followed in quick succession by a thuggish ex, clear indications that Kirstie has been hit by the thuggish ex, Max punching the thuggish ex and then Max getting a beating... sadly, we miss most of the beating, as it's done behind closed doors but sometime later, he's ejected looking "injured". Hey Max, you've got red on you.
Instead of going to the hospital - or getting a doughnut to wipe up all that jam - they talk in the car and end up kissing. Yawn.
There are also two plots barely worth mentioning - Tiffany wants to be a pop singer (and requires a Simon Cowell) and Tyler inexplicably decides that the best way to make things up to Twitney is marriage. Most bafflingly of all, he's apparently able to waltz into a nursery unchallenged and get kids to write out the proposal for him.
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