Thursday 31st January 2013

The awkwardness has escalated at the Masood house following but everyone seems oblivious. Apparently Rasheed's name alone is enough to make Geordie Racer storm off... and it looks as if Masood may tell AJ the truth! Goodness, he actually does... complete with AJ spit take. After that initial surprise, AJ says Geordie Racer is probably just messing with him.

Cue Masood telling her she thinks she's not serious... ruhroh. Apparently Geordie Racer is some kind of shower ninja as Masood returns to an empty house and she appears behind him silently, clad in but a bath towel as if she'd JUST stepped out of the shower. She acts all seductive before Masood gets all hot under the collar and scarpers to the safety of the bottom of the stairs - a whole ten steps away from her!

Count Moonula gets Half-Day Alice to start her FIRST FULL DAY OF WORK! Apparently she's able to clean up the entire house in a matter of hours. Then breaks down crying because she got a letter for the Hogfather, which she inexplicably gets Count Moonula to open for her - it's just a credit card application. That was weird. Oh, wait - there's more.

Half-Day makes the mistake of asking Count Moonula to say something nice about her father. Oops. That backfired. They come to the mutual conclusion that no one is all bad though... which is apparently enough to make Half-Day tear up again.

Max isn't taking the hint that Tanya doesn't want to see him. So it should come as no surprise that he walks back into the house to go through letters... enter Cora to give him a piece of her mind. She apparently isn't happy with him psychologically grinding down her daughter - as evidenced by the fact she didn't show up or even call any of the dozens of times he did things far worse than this.

Twitney and Tyler's break-up continues and nary a damn was given. Both characters have been almost entirely absent for months now and it's a miracle they even remember they have a relationship and we're now supposed to care about the fact it's over?

Alfie has gotten the plaque for the Vic redone to put Poxy's name on it - a move so sudden and unwarranted that even the Square mad woman Jean tells him it's a bit soon and points out that Kat is unlikely to be overjoyed at the prospect.

As expected, Bianca and Kat are ready to go into business but there is just one problem - Ian is Hitler (due to his ability to remember the fact Bianca received a criminal conviction or two for thieving and assault in the market)! That would be an interesting storyline... anyway, Kat responds the only way she knows how - getting her make-up caked face right up close and personal before shouting the odds... Fortunately, Saint Alfie is on hand to diffuse the situation and after a little sweet talking and emotional blackmail, he wins Ian over.

Kat wants to give Alfie JUST as he shows the new plaque to Poxy - that is the one thing Alfie DIDN'T want to happen... he probably shouldn't have made a big deal out of unveiling it then. What a plonker.

Tuesday 29th January 2013

Max is talking to Tanya - who has (as all mothers do) absconded with JUST one of her children... and to prove just how much of a catch she is, as soon as he is off the phone Sharon (despite Jacknocchio's protests) tells Scotch Egg to sling 'is 'ook. Wasn't Sharon supposed to be in the B&B because she was in a mood? Anyway, Max gives the mandatory lie about having a place to stay.

He and Dot are having a chat in the cafffffffffff, where she expresses concern about the chain smoking, misanthropic Cora being in charge of the Lauren and Abi. Max doesn't seem particularly concerned though. Dot being the do-gooder she is, has a word with Sharon and points out that Max was lying (something a child could have discerned) and has nowhere to go.

Geordie Racer has gotten a huge bunch of flowers from Rasheed... so, he must be invited to dinner for maximum hijinks. Also, Zainab has remembered her infant son but hasn't come clean about not getting the job. Fortuitously, this isn't going to be dragged out as she points out the regional manager to Masood in the next scene. No need to worry though, despite this job being super special important - she's now going to focus on helping Geordie Racer.

Geordie Racer is apparently still struggling to just tell the truth as regards her indifference to her suitor. She tells Zainab she'd rather go to university than marry Rasheed but Zainab takes the opportunity to put down Tamwar and assures Geordie Racer that getting married is a great idea, all but saying that she'd better get married while she has the looks. This causes her to have a bit of a cry later, Masood is on hand for sympathy but Geordie Racer just says that Zainab doesn't love him and she knows he has feelings for her.

Kat materialises at Bianca's house and seems about as upset about Bianca getting them fired as you would when someone gets you the wrong kind of sandwich... oh and AJ has now set his sights on her... Set your sights low and you'll seldom be disappointed.

The powerful alliance of Kat and Bianca rumbles on though, as they comment on the state of the market and decide to change their cleaning "business" into a market stall... because that's the kind of thing people living on the poverty line can do easily. The business world today is well known for a total lack of starting costs and being utterly bereft of excessive bureaucracy and such... so we can expect Bianca and Kat's stall to be open in but the blink of an eye.

Bianca even goes on to say as much but Kat just says she'll sell some jewellery but this is a front as she pauses outside the pawn shop with her wedding ring in hand - just waiting for Alfie to turn up and do his usual saint routine. Which extends to letting Bianca selling her stuff in the Vic... ah, if there were some means of selling things in some kind of futuristic electronic way but that's just crazy talk.

AJ is clearly desperate as he effectively buys a date with Bianca, meanwhile Saint Alfie hands Kat a big wodge of notes straight from the till. That's a good way to run a business. AJ turns up just as Kat and Bianca are crowing about their success and what does he get? A face full of door. Stay classy, ladies.

Half-Day Alice has appeared and guess what? SHE HAS THE DAY OFF! It's as if the Crayon Crew know! Apparently it's her boss. Speculation that she's going to get a team leader role... which by the laws of soapland means she'll be getting a P45. Ohoh, what's that? SHE LOST HER JOB?! WHAT A SHOCK! Who could have seen that coming. This is Eastenders though, so even though everyone carps on about times being tough, she's unemployed for less than five minutes before she's offered a job without even ASKING (by Count Moonula, who wants a baby sitter).

Twitney, having reappeared from whichever sofa she got stuck down the back of (a rather sunny one by the looks of it) looks at Joey and Lauren kissing with undisguised disgust... Joey takes exception to this and tells her to keep quiet, lest he tell Tyler about their kiss... the kiss that happened weeks ago. Also, who would get worried about ONE kiss, it's not exactly infidelity.Oh and now she's super worried about this one fleeting and minor indiscretion ruining her relationship with Tyler.

So, the perfect time for Twitney to come clean about this is when Tyler is getting all serious about them  getting their own place together. It's pretty hard to tell if he's upset or trying to work out the square root of 73 though - about 8.54. Apparently he is upset. Seeing Joey leads inevitably to a scuffle and Tyler breaks up with Twitney (a moniker as appropriate as ever), telling her she should have kept quiet... there's a good moral for Eastenders to supply!

Monday 28th January 2013

Cora threatens Max - what a charmer - before he walks off into the night and apparently the middle of the night is a good time to check the post as Tanya finds some of his letters and throws them out... despite that being a crime.

Later Max tries to win Tanya over by threatening to shout through the letterbox a lot. With the usual incomprehensible grunts, he's able to win Tanya around sufficiently for dinner. Which even the short sighted and selfish Cora (more like Bora!) nay says but Max pulls out all the stops - even making sure he buys the wine from the Vic so he can have a brief chat with Jacknocchio... but Jacknocchio jinxes it by saying he'll be getting the flat back!

So, the Scotch Egg gets all dressed up... sadly it turns out Tanya has decided to fix her vast quantities of idiocy by fleeing Walford... yeah, that makes lots of sense! Oh and Bora looks extremely pleased with herself at this revelation - is she possessed or something?

Zainab is apparently find out who got the regional managers job today... seriously?! Decided over a weekend, eh? GRITTY REALISM! Obviously, Denise ALSO thinks she's a shoe in for the job and she and Ian have to act like awkward teens in love... the irony of which is highlighted by Kim making jokes about Denise being past it.

Apparently Zainab gets the job - despite her short term memory loss and having been an employee for all of five minutes. Often times in the real world, better suited people will lose out on these positions PURELY because someone has been working longer than they... anyway, this is apparently a reason for Masood and comedy sidekick AJ to try and fix the gate.

Which give him time to cover for Geordie Racer, who couldn't bear to properly call it off with her arranged marriage boyfriend... jeez. Hadn't she decided she was going to tell him it was over? Oh, they actually deal with that after the awkward lying on the phone scene as seen in approximately ever unfunny sitcom ever made in human history. Only to find out Zainab has gone crazy (as she apparently got the new job?) and decided to spend a grand on a water feature - which is because the Masood dreams have failed.

Oh but guess what? Zainab didn't get the job - it's almost as if there was the possibility that the job could be offered to MORE than just the two people available for the position. Oh, the hilarity.

Ian smiles sickeningly at Denise... it's amazing that the expression doesn't rip his face in half. He goes on to invite her around for dinner... can't mates just be mates? Sorry, not with the Crayon Crew in charge - you're probably thinking of a show that has actual characters, Ian... your personality is in another castle.

Sharon - looking more like she's wearing a wig than usual - is torn between her son and Phil! Or more accurately, Lexi. Apparently Lexi is her responsibility. Even Jacknocchio realises this is idiotic. Which is saying something. Oh and she has a go at Jack later... didn't she move out of his house because she got in a tizz with him trying to stop her mollycoddled freak of a son being... less of that? If the Crayon Crew don't care, why the hell should we?

Oh and it would seem that Bianca has noticed Sharon is wearing a wig as she tells her to keep her hair on... and other similarly inadvisable phrases for someone living beneath the poverty line. How does it go? Oh, it would appear that Bianca got fired! Just as well that's not a serious or stressful event in Walford.

She doesn't seem to realise that you can simultaneously protect your child too much AND not pay them enough attention. After all, if you lock your kid up in a room until they're thirty - you're keeping them safe but you probably aren't paying them a great deal of attention... you may also be taking a page out of the Eastenders/Grimm Fairytales handbook of child raising.

Lola blubbers as the ever maternal Phil gets ready to leave on his holiday. Apparently Lexi is teething though and Billy Idiot is gleeful that Phil deigns to give him his own great granddaughter for an hour. In Walford, truly idiocy is bliss... and then Lola gets emotional because she doesn't want to say goodbye. While it's understandable that a young mother would suffer separation anxiety a couple of weeks isn't long and it's not as if anyone ever grows up saying "Remember that time when I was less than a year old..."

And then off swans Phil in his Chelsea tractor.

Friday 25th January 2013

What has the show been lacking lately? BRANNINGS! Tanya is ordered by her mother to go to her hospital appointment. Despite seeming fine mere minutes earlier, she's apparently hungover when Lauren remarks on her hypocrisy over coffee. Apparently this is justification for her to help Arfuuuuuuuuuuur out by having a party at her house.

Why Arfuuuuuuuuur is having this party, why it's in the middle of the week, why it couldn't be postponed... all the salient details are (because let's not forget Eastenders two watch words are "gritty" and "realism") never mentioned. Surprise, surprise - as soon as Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur rolls up, he has approximately a hundred youfffffffffffs in tow and despite Lauren and Joey being there with Abi tutting, at no point do they try and stop people entering. Yet they seem surprised when about two minutes later, things start getting out of hand.

Max tells his bruv that he's going to win Tanya back - by the end of the day! That's ambitious even for the silver tongue of the Scotch Egg! He finds out she's off to the hospital to get her cancer flu check up... lucky for him, he's not there because Cora and Tanya are in the hospital boring up a storm. About the only thing of importance said is Cora pointing out Max isn't much of a catch. Oh and Tanya doesn't have cancer.

Now... after you've had a long day in a hospital and out shopping, what do you like to do? Go home, put your feet up? Have a nice relaxing bath or shower? Just sit down in front of the TV and take a load off, probably. Especially as you get older, a whole day on your feet can really make you want nothing more than a nice cup of tea and your own home - NOT FOR TANYA AND CORA THOUGH!

To prove the gritty realism of Eastenders, the coffin dodging Cora and past her prime Tanya hit the R&R!  Because when you think of somewhere to just hangout for a quiet drink, you think nightclub, right? What a joke... in fact, the entire scene is entirely pointless. They'd already established Tanya was cancer free - pointless padding!

With that out of the way, we get to the inevitable arrival of Tanya to the chaotic party. Apparently the best way to deal with a wild party is to start handing out your ex-husband's clothes to people. This inexplicably leads to people leaving the house in an orderly manner, each accepting a gift of clothing from Tanya... and as Max is in the Vic, where do the ejected party goers end up? THE VIC! Where everyone that Max asks gives the stuff back without so much as a cross word - drunks are well known for their sense of fair play and impeccable manners after all, it's not as if we saw them projectile vomiting in the Branning house mere minutes ago... and Tanya decides that having given away all of Max's clothes, now is the time to start the family anew... or something. Yawn.

Zainab is getting ready for the ultra important job interview to become regional manager and what better way to prepare for that, than to lash out at AJ? Then it's off for some petty sniping at Denise - she's firing on all cylinders but then they're all hugs and "may the best person win!", until it turns out they changed the time of the interview. At the last minute... and called the SHOP and Zainab hadn't told Denise. If only there had been the invention of some wireless means of two-way communication that was now ubiquitous, that could facilitate a direct conversation between the two parties? That's just crazy talk though.

Zainab receives her comeuppance though as her chances are apparently ruined by the interviewer thinking she was in an injury that caused short term memory loss - courtesy of AJ. Instead of simply explaining that this isn't true, Zainab rolls with it... no hilarity ensues. Masood just about has to break up the squabbling AJ  and Zainab who both act as little more than petulant children.

Dexter is working at the Arches and his mother castigates him... for some reason. WALFORD ISN'T THEIR HOME! Uh, OK... so... why did you take a job in Walford then? Although, Dexter's argument about jobs not being readily available just shows he knows nothing about Walfordian economics.

Lola barges in to show Phil he can't have it all his own way but unfortunately, she's forgotten that ZE SOCIAL is based not in reality but the bizarre hateful imaginations of the Crayon Crew and so, there are only two options. Lexi goes with Phil or Lexi goes into foster care. YAY! REALISM! That's exactly how it works because that's all social workers want to do - destroy families and steal children from their mothers... said no one ever. Except the Crayon Crew.

Lola bemoans Phil's evil machinations and as if the indignity of suffering that wasn't enough for her, she has the the tired and weathered face of Billy Idiot invading her personal space, preaching to her that it's all for the best. The situation seems that much more ridiculous as there are only two POSSIBLE solution posited.

Lola goes off to do some thinking outside the Arches and does what all people do when they reach a conclusion in Eastenders. Walk off without saying a word. Although, later she goes around to Phil to say that it's OK for him to go on holiday... Meaning this entire sequence of events has achieved nothing.

Speaking of things that achieve nothing - and as there has been such a dearth of Brannings onscreen - there is also a bit where Sharon's Kinderegg abomination of a son apparently hit Morgan at school. Which is entirely down to the fact Jacknocchio gave him one boxing lesson... which actually consisted of throwing one punch. So, how does Sharon react to the home truths that she's swaddled her freakish child in cotton wool and has been so busy with Lexi that she's been ignoring her own child? SHE'S MOVING OUT AGAIN!

Thursday 24th January 2013

Max is on Jacknocchio's sofa, being lambasted for losing two wives in one night. Kicking a man while he's down, eh?

Zainab has been short-listed for the coveted regional  manager position but OH HO HO, so has Denise! It seems the reborn Ian Beale is going to be her SECRET WEAPON as their romance has escalated to her accepting his help (over a pint at the Vic, naturally). He even suggests she try and fix things with Kim!

Cluck, cluck, cluck - it must be the world's most evil (and improbable) mother hen, Phil "motherly" Mitchell. Apparently he's absconding to Cornwall with Lexi and flat out says "there's nothing you can do about it". It really is a shame he doesn't have a moustache to twirl... Hmm, Shirley hasn't been around to shout the odds at him for a while...

Lauren expresses surprise when Tanya says she's going in to work... a valid reaction, people actually going to their jobs in Walford is pretty surprising but Tanya ripostes by saying she still went to work when she was having chemo... uh, did you? Besides, that's not exactly fair given that Tanya didn't have cancer just cancer flu, the symptoms of which never escalated beyond a mild hangover.

Dot gives Cora a piece of her mind about the debt she is faced with and Cora is all heart, she'll give Dot a tenner a week and some shifts! Starting now! Also, the council have stopped Dot's benefits because of her rent arrears... uh, wouldn't a large amount of her benefits be TOWARD HOUSING COSTS?! Oh, right - expectations of realism in this "gritty and realistic" soap are ALWAYS punished. Oh and the icing on the cake is, Cora seems positively delighted at the fact Dot is anguished at the prospect of losing her home. Smiling gleefully as Dot laments her wretched fate.

Tanya is wandering around the Square (that's pretty close to work in Walford) and bumps into Ava... and it turns out that the school she applied to was Oscar's school. What are the chances of your long lost sister randomly getting a job at the same school as your son? About a bajillionty to one if you factor in the fact Ava is presumably going to start working not just midway through a year but midway through a TERM.

No sooner has Tanya told Ava that she and Max have split up (she should consider gets cards printed for when she and Max break-up and get back together - it would be a real time saver) for really really really reals this time, than the Scotch Egg appears in the hardboiled flesh but Tanya is having none of it and tells him to go off and find his real wife! Then she actually arrives at work and what better way to run a business than to crack open the bubbly before lunchtime!

Still in dire need of a moustache to twirl, Phil joins Cora in delighting in the suffering of his fellow man as he taunts Lola with his utter indifference to her and the hoops he is making her jump through. At the laundrette, it seems as if Dot has been possessed by the spirits of a Carry On film but fortunately Billy awkwardly fawning over her return is interrupted when Lola bursts in to drag Billy off to ZE SOCIAL... just watch out for their showers, Lola!

There's a lot of Carry On to go around, as Zainab is in full Carry On mode as she does an interview to prepare for the much vaunted regional  managership. As soon as Masood gets Geordie Racer to play Denise, Zainab is able to show all the career savvy and guile of a petulant twelve year old. Which gets a little awkward when he has to choose between Geordie Racer and Zainab to say who gets the job!

Apparently the work day was over before it even began as the salon has transformed into a ladies night (even though it's still light outside). Tanya states that she's not going to fall for the first guy she beds, Sharon says she's made that mistake and Cora says "Yeah, Phil!" yes and Jack!

Tanya et al roll up at the Vic and Lauren remarks upon the fact Tanya didn't do any work... and then Tanya says she decided to enjoy her freedom and that Lauren isn't the only one that knows how to have fun... wait, what? Your daughter HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM! Have you forgotten about that? Drinking as a crutch is one of the BIGGEST warning signs of alcoholism! To suggest your daughter is having fun when she has an abusive relationship with alcohol means Tanya is either supposed to be the most criminally negligent parent in Walford (which is saying something) or that the Crayon Crew are utterly incapable of understanding how much they're undermining the seriousness of Lauren's problem...  perhaps Tanya isn't the only one that's criminally negligent.

Ian and Denise's date facilitates the revelation that it was Ray who came onto Denise and not the other way around... While Ian pre-empts this intervention with saying that his experiences have taught him that problems  need to be dealt with openly and honestly... it doesn't stop  this from highlighting the fact that this Ian bears absolutely no resemblance to the pre-Mandy Ian. None at all.

Jacknocchio lambastes Max for being a monumental idiot and telling Tanya he had feelings for Kirstie. In fact, he even says if anyone should know not to do that - it's him AND HE AGREES. Wow, they've really just stopped trying...

Further demonstrated by the fact it's a Monday night and so everyone rolls over to the club, where Joey says "I could swear we just opened!" Really? The club seems to open up before noon, even on the winter solstice people are wandering in during broad daylight! Denise's budding romance with Ian is discussed briefly - oh and she and Kim are fine.

Also, Monday is karaoke night apparently... but after belting out some very half-hearted "Dancing Queen", Tanya makes another ill judged comment about her daughter's drinking problem and then everyone is apparently stony faced at the prospect of her drinking more, so she decides to head home...

Lola seems shocked that it took a while for her social worker to appear - fair comment as she usually just seems to appear as required... and surprise, surprise - Lola has lodged a complaint about Phil going off on holiday buuuuut, this isn't the real social services that would only put a child into care as a last resort, this is the fantastical paramilitary neo-fascist organisation from the wildest tabloid fuelled dreams of the Crayon Crew, so the FIRST recourse? TAKE LEXI INTO CARE! For the glory of ZE SOCIAL!

Making poor time, even for a drunk, Tanya seems Max as she's walking home and avails herself of the opportunity to have a go at him before she falls over and has herself a nice little cry on the ground with her mother next to her and she still loves her cheating Scotch Egg of an almost successfully bigamist ex-husband. Aww.

Tuesday 22nd January 2013

Brannings, Brannings, Brannings - will it never end? Because after yesterday's Branning heavy episode, we start where we left off with Max questioning Kirstie signing the divorce papers... Give that gift horse a thorough oral examination, that's Max's motto. Oh and Kirstie is leaving in 20 minutes. Just like that! Will it be for really reals though?

Max walks back in having after a conflicted look completely forgotten he was supposed to talk to Dot. Instead of coming clean, the supposedly consummate liar strings together a painfully unconvincing story about just bumping into Kirstie as he walked back from the Vic. Tanya looks less than convinced and then goes upstairs with a headache - careful, that's one of the first signs of cancer flu!

Kirstie (having turned up to her shift late and walked out after about five minutes) goes back again to tell Alfie she's leaving (for really reals) and she's handing in her notice... wow. Most people just abscond in the dead of night and just hope all the loose ends tie themselves up... ah but this is Eastenders, so there is an ulterior motive! She needs the money! She also tells Alfie he's a really nice bloke.

The unrelenting dreariness of the Branning Barrage doesn't stop there though. We have Kirstie going back to the B&B to pay her rent and then Lauren turns up... then it's back to Max, who is checking on the kids before going to bed. A scene that mixes tedium and awkwardness drags on as Max and Tanya are in the not-really-dark of the bedroom - despite having said she had a headache, divorce is a big turn on for Tanya but what's that? Max just wants a cuddle?! Dohohoho - oh, how you have subverted gender stereotypes Eastenders!

Thankfully, we escape that scene to see Lauren apparently feeling guilty about Kirstie's departure... Kirstie's parting words of wisdom? Cut down on the booze. Wise words indeed. Then it's back to the Branning bedroom, where Max can't go to sleep. Tanya asks about what happened with Kirstie at the funeral and AGAIN, the consummate liar makes a number of schoolboy errors.

Tanya apparently decides that morbid fascination with the minutiae of everything pertaining to Kirstie is a great idea and that tomorrow will be a fresh start! Yes because a rigorous examination of that relationship is going to make a fresh start super easy! Max gets so vexed by Tanya's stream of questions that - if possible - Max's guttural tongue descends to the point it sounds as if he's trying to imitate a didgeridoo!

Finally, Max drops the bombshell of Kirstie's abortion. Yawn. Then we get to the "revelation" that Max would sleep with her... for some reason, this surprises Tanya... has she not noticed her husband's serial philandering? Oh and he still loves her too. This prompts Max to return to his didgeridoo impersonation - where's Rolf Harris with his wobble board when you need him?!

Oh and despite having asked for this honesty and Max actually obliging (oh, the irony) - Tanya decides that the only logical recourse is to physically man handle him out of the house... Wait, isn't it Max's house? Anyway, Max is standing on the street corner JUST in time to see Kirstie being ferried away into the night. OK, the storyline is over now... can we please, PLEASE HAVE A BRANNING BREAK?!

Monday 21st January 2013

Tanya having been caught by Kirstie decides to go nanners and tell her she's leaving and begins to throw her  stuff out the window. After Kirstie declines to say why Max had the key to her room (but mentions kissing him before Derek's funeral), Tanya thinks that having broken into her room, shouted at her and thrown her stuff out of the window that NOW is the time to be reasonable and politely ask the Secret Wife to sign the divorce papers... You certainly know how to butter 'em up, Tanya! Astonishingly, this doesn't work! But don't worry, Kirstie fakes her out by pretending to sign but instead writing "NEVER" in big red letters.

At which point, Max appears and a sudden dread that this episode is going to revolve exclusively around these three characters sets in. Tanya storms off and Kirstie decides that now is a good time to try and seduce Max... but apparently for once in his life, he's not interested in a tumble... that's out of character. He actively rejects her advances and storms out of the B&B, leaving Kirstie to tearfully pick up her clothes. To rub salt in the wound, even Kat offers her some pity... that's a low.

Lauren does the unusual (because telling the truth is the exception, not the rule - ESPECIALLY when it makes sense) and explains that the key was for her because after all of five minutes on the Square, Kirstie had realised that Lauren had a drinking problem and needed a shoulder to cry on. No real explanation as to why Max was covering up for Lauren and so Tanya breaks down sobbing and then it's all happy families. Snore.

Max tells Tanya to stop looking at him as if everything he says is a lie... why? Easy way to tell when Max is lying - his mouth is open and as this episode seems set upon being a black hole of boredom the tedium moves to the kitchen. Yawn. Max makes sure to set a good example for Lauren by pouring himself a healthy measure of Scotch.

Lauren goes to see Kirstie again. She tells Kirstie to go and we have more foreshadowing of Kirstie meeting an end... Apparently having a room in a B&B, Max and a job in the Vic is all Kirstie has to live for... seems like death would be a kindness then. Still, at least Kirstie actually has to work! Unlike everyone else. She's even castigated for turning up late.

Miracle of miracles, we leap out of the sinkhole of entropy and dive into the relative excitement of the Vic. Lest you had forgotten of the Crayon Crew's visceral loathing of council officials, Dot is sitting at the bar talking about how the Staziesque enforcers of Walford council all but beat a confession out of her and if things didn't get sorted out, she'd be off to the gulags.

Despite having already set his sights on Sharon, Phil makes a pass at Kirstie... He certainly is mercurial these days... Then to add insult to injury, Kat offers further moral support. Jeez, Kat - stop kicking her while she's down! At least Kirstie has enough self-respect to say "I'm not you."

Back to the Branning boredom, where the family are sitting down for dinner  for the first time in living memory. What could ruin this happy moment? Max's phone ringing in the background and it's from Kirstie! Who is in the Vic, seeing couples being all couply... and then, as if the indignity of having relationship advice from Walford's bicycle wasn't bad enough, she has the physical embodiment of losers, Billy Idiot thrusting a picture of his great-granddaughter in her face. She does what anyone would do, walks out - looking at the house.

Then there's a knock at the door but it's Dot! Looking for Cora but then Kirstie calls and gives Max an ultimatum! Go and see her or she'll come and see  him! Uh, why does Max go along with this? Why does he lie to Tanya? Oh, that's right - HE'S AN IDIOT... everyone is an idiot but most especially everyone that writes this is an idiot.

Oh and Kirstie signed the divorce papers. It's hard to say whether that makes this episode (or indeed, entire storyline) more or less pointless but it's really a minor quibble as this is the televisual equivalent of ritalin and could be used to quell the hyperactivity of even the most sugar addled, caffeine fuelled child.

Friday 18th January 2013

In time honoured tradition, Tanya checks her husband's phone - being a serial philanderer, Max doesn't even bother to lock his phone. Despite giving Max an opportunity to come clean, he continues the lie... just as well when he's backed into a corner Max doesn't speak so much as he grunts.

Tanya is trying to make it up with Lauren - being an awful mother that is... and realises that perhaps giving her occasionally alcoholic teenage daughter a credit card was a bad idea and actually tries to bribe her... but she's just digging into Max's deception. Why is she bothering? She should know by now that if Max told her the sky was green she'd believe him after a few emphatic guttural slurs.

BFFs Sharon and Tanya decide to go all Scooby Doo on this mystery but shockingly Sharon tells Tanya to stop being such an angsty teenager and try something radical. Something drastic. Something CRAZY! Yes, she tells Tanya to talk to Max. Even more shockingly, Tanya actually seems to go along with it! Oh, wait - no she doesn't. She plays the most painfully obvious game of twenty questions at an impromptu lunch but when that's interrupted  all she can do is scuttle off to moan to Sharon about her plan has failed and she would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!

But later he goes out - in the middle of January without much more than a light sweater on! Which provides a convenient excuse for Tanya to pick up his coat and find the keys to the B&B... still no word on why exactly Kirstie would have two sets of keys for her room but that doesn't matter, Tanya has now decided that snooping isn't enough - so she goes to the B&B! Predictably, Kirstie walks in on her and asks her what is  she doing... a very good question!

Alfie accidentally calls for Kat... OOPS! Poxy is not best pleased and seems to be compensating by using Kat's make-up trowel and Kirstie is apparently everyone's favourite person to confide in now... Despite barely knowing her. Kirstie advises her to make Alfie forget about Kat... which Poxy takes to mean THEME NIGHTS! BY THE DOZEN! So, there's that to look forward to... in the same way one looks forward to passing a kidney stone.

As Kirstie is apparently the new Square agony aunt though, she talks to Alfie about his earlier slip and hopefully we've averted theme-nightgeddon... Alfie tells Poxy what makes them special is they don't have problems... Yes, if you ignore the fact you're still in love with AND still married to your wife and are only having a relationship with Poxy... actually, why ARE you having a relationship with her?

But he's in love with an idiot - Poxy couldn't be happier at this revelation... at least she has come to terms with her intellectual deficiency. That's generally for the best. It seems incredibly foolish for Alfie to be saying that he loves her at this point though and for someone who has just come out of a long term relationship in just about the hardest way possible, this just seems stupid and someone of Alfie's age should realise that. Hell, Poxy is an idiot and she thought this was a bad idea and what happened to Jean and the loathsome Mo talking sense about this idiocy? All forgotten, apparently.

Despite Kim's monstrous incompetence, being shut down by health inspectors due to rat infestation, a sluggish economy and it being January apparently the B&B is fully booked... it certainly does a good job of seeming empty though because Kirstie and Cora are the only guest there having breakfast.

And for reasons that are sufficiently lame that even the Crayon Crew had to have Ava explain them, she's back on the Square. What better time for Cora to ask for a place to stay with her long lost daughter, eh?  Oh and guess what?! You'll never guess! Ava got a new job in Walford... goodness. Eventually, she badgers Tanya into letting her stay.

Geordie Racer's date went well! So well they're meeting again tonight! Let's hope that's not a calculated move to divert suspicion... and Masood is apparently one of those postmen that starts delivering mail around mid-afternoon. In fairness, it can sometimes seem like that!

Not being a native of Walford, Raysheed is not a complete idiot and is able to discern that Geordie Racer isn't interested in him. Which leads to Masood gently trying to dissuade her from lusting after him again and that maybe now is a bad time for her to be pursuing dreams.

It seems that Dexter and Lola have a budding romance and it's about as exciting as watching paint dry. Oh and apparently Phil doesn't approve of this... for some reason. Probably to set Lola and Dexter up as a modern inter-racial Romeo & Juliet or some such nonsense.

Oh and you remember the pathological hatred of the Crayon Crew for pretty much anyone involved in local government? It strikes again as an unsympathetic council worker comes a knocking and it turns out that Dot owes over a thousand pounds in rent arrears! Ah but there were other people living there while she was away, Dot explains! Oops, that was the wrong answer, Dot! THE EVIL COUNCIL WORKER MUST NOW DESTROY YOU!

Thursday 17th January 2013

Apparently Oscar goes to school... or rather, comes back. Strange, doesn't he go to the 24/7 boarding school like the rest of the children in Walford? Lauren is apparently going to start her course... which requires her to have her father's credit card. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan!

Cora tries to sweet talk Dot out of eviction but she's not to be dissuaded. Ian stops by and tells her how glad  he is she has returned but Dot says coming back just reminded her why she left in the first place... it's surprising more people don't have that reaction!

Then she goes off to talk to Lauren about her relationship with Joey. She babbles incoherently for a while before blurting out a bible verse... it's as if someone has had the character of Dot explained to them by a drunk and has tried to (unsuccessfully) reconstruct the character from scratch. Tossing in a quotation from scripture just seems to be a "Hey, Dot quotes the bible, right? Then let's stick a quote!"

Lauren thieves money with the credit card and then props up the bar at the Vic, where she complains to Kirstie about people looking at her... OK, she's stolen the money but she has been publicly outed as sleeping with her cousin and Walford is not well known for its openness and tolerance at the best of times... why didn't she just buy some booze and drown her sorrows at home?

Kirstie sees this as an opportunity to win Lauren over though. JUST AS MAX AND TANYA WALK IN! After a few words are exchanged (where Max says they have to come in sometime - yes because there are no other pubs in London) they walk out again. That was productive! Just as well none of them have jobs to go to.

That's not enough to dissuade the formerly secret wife though and she takes the day off to her step-daughter... because Tanya has stopped talking to her meaningfully. Lauren mentions running over her father in a surprisingly casual manner but then, as she points out - that's hardly the worst thing that has happened to her family!

For no reason comprehensible by a normal, rational human being Kirstie - despite being less than thirty paces from Lauren's front door - calls Max to come and get Lauren... which inexplicably takes LONGER than five minutes. Oh and he lies about it to Tanya. So, it should come as no surprise that he keeps the key to Kirstie's room at the B&B...

Dot talks to Jay about him and his role in 'Ev's murder - what better place for this kind of talk than in the cafffffffffff? That's a good place for an emotional talk about the death of a close friend... Jay expresses his regret about the whole thing and Dot absolves him of responsibility and says they have to remember 'Ev for all the good things... that's a vanishingly short list.

Cora having tried unsuccessfully to stay at the B&B goes to talk to Tanya about lodgings. Not her problem, apparently... that's a surprisingly pragmatic answer. Although Cora does note that Dot is acting weird... oh and apparently she's staying at the B&B as a paying guest...

The Masood madness continues as Geordie Racer continues to think Masood is interested. Perhaps not helped by the way he continues to talk to her and even when Geordie Racer gives him an invite with hearts on it - he doesn't put her straight. Instead he goes to the Vic and throws out the invite...

He returns to the house just for Zainab to thrust him and Geordie Racer into another situation where they have to spend more time together - because of the regional manager position, apparently! Cue the second meeting of Rasheed and Geordie Racer... no chaperone this time, apparently!

Phil's reign of clucking continues as he pries Lexi from Lola's arms.

Tuesday 15th January 2013

Having returned to find Lauren and Joey in a tryst, Dot is cleaning obsessively. She's a little shocked to meet Pointless Poppy - who is now living in her house - and also to see Arfuuuuuuuuuuur come visiting Pointless Poppy! She's not best pleased, apparently because Pointless Poppy has Arfuuuuuuuuuuur promise that he'll teach her how to placate her.

Dot has also decided she is now going to help the entire family and what better way to achieve that than ANOTHER gathering of the extended Branning clan, in the Vic no less... Oh and she isn't aware that Joey is Lauren's cousin... Ruhroh! For some reason, this leads to Lauren being forced to enrol in college.

Apparently even Max is irritated by the massive extent of the Branning clan and inexplicably Tanya is very insistent that he pay for everyone's drinks... there's absolutely NO explanation as to why. Hasn't he been complaining about being hard up for cash for months? Or now that he's not handing money to the Hogfather, is he a moneybags all of a sudden?

After the shocking revelation that Cora has taken her job at the laundrette the dinner (and yes, apparently the Vic does dinners for the five thousand now - which is odd as Ray was just mincing around outside instead of going crazy in the kitchen) gets under way with Jacknocchio saying welcome back to Dot.

With a little oh-so predictable tension betwixt Tanya (who decided to have the dinner in the Vic) and Kirstie - Dot actually straight out asks Max if he's having another affair... oh, she's got your number Scotch Egg. Then Kirstie drops the bombshell that Max IS having an affair but it's with Tanya! DOHOHOHO! What a nice introduction to your daughter-in-law!

In fact, this dinner scene with Dot feels a lot like when ol' Misery Guts Carol rolled back onto the Square and had a gigantic amount of exposition heaped atop her... The worst thing is, this is a soap opera... most people watching it KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. The fact we get Tiff summing up the entire thing in five seconds just about sums up the level of writing the show has though.

Icing on the cake - Joey walking in and Dot spilling the beans about him and Lauren. Then she walks off. Speaking of cakes, Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy tried (unsuccessfully, of course - and seriously this is one gigantic mutant failure cake) to make a Battenberg. Enough to move Dot to tears and ensure Poppy is staying here and then spin around and tell Cora to gerrrr outra her 'ouse! Easy, Dot! You'll give yourself emotional whiplash if you're not careful.

Geordie Racer and Masood are trying for the gold medal in awkward. Then there's a thrilling discussion of love between Denise and Zainab for Geordie Racer's benefit... yawn. Needless to say, Denise having married an abusive drunk (who tried to kill her) and a superhuman serial killer (who kidnapped her and was PROBABLY going to kill her) - she's a little cynical about love.

Still trying for that gold medal, Geordie Racer asks about pursuing the arranged marriage with Rasheed but the only thing she has taken away from the earlier discussion with Denise and Zainab was to look for hidden meanings and Masood said "do what makes you happy". Oh dear, oh dear.

Ray continues his flirting with Kirstie when Kim comes around but he's not interested in being "friends"... but then, it's pretty obvious that Kim is just desperate. Ray is so upset he talks to Denise... yes, she's sure to be sympathetic to your plight! Ray apparently likes Kirstie enough to ask Max's permission to pursue her and Denise tries to tell her brain dead sister that Ray isn't interested. Even she is able to put two and two together when she walks into the Vic and sees Kirstie and Ray making googly eyes at one another.

Monday 14th January 2013

Abi is stressing about her exams... why? It's not as if we've seen her go to school in the past five years... perhaps she's been teaching herself... But it seems to be Eastenders tradition to make sure that GCSEs are portrayed as super special mega important life ending exams if you don't get a bajillionty A*s... when really the only thing they're good for is showing you've sufficient aptitude to do the A-level in the subject.

Tanya shoos Abi off to work and Lauren is clearly feeling inadequate... but that should hardly be surprising given that she's a drunken ne'er do well whose greatest achievement to date is sleeping with her cousin, so what better way to build self-confidence than working at the salon! Where she demonstrates palpable joy at being able to book people in for appointments - sufficient that she barely notices Joey... although, it's surprising more people don't have that (lack) of reaction to him.

Later, when  Lauren is inexplicably left alone in the salon, she finds a letter from the hospital. DUN DUN DUN! Obviously, being aware that it's a huge breach of confidence to look at someone else's letter - she of course thinks better of it and puts it back where she found it. NO! Of course not. Which means she is sitting in wait for her mother when she returns.

Tanya assures her that it was just a chat with her old nurse - nurses are well known for organising these informal chats via post using official NHS stationary but Lauren's incredible new appointment booking skills have allowed her to deduce that she was giving Poxy a pedicure when she should have been at the hospital! When her mother refuses to be drawn, Lauren strops off.

Kat is looking rougher than ever as she peers at her name above the door of the Vic. Poxy is spying on her from the window and Bianca (because Kat and Bianca apparently decided to become Walford's newest cleaning company last week) says she's ready to assault their employer if she says anything... exactly the right attitude for a mother just out of jail.

In a scene that will be of no significance later, Kat removes her rings while cleaning and places them down on a counter in the kitchen before Saint Alfie enters. They have some jovial banter before Poxy comes in to lightly spray bile on her. Which she repeats later on for good measure! Kat's not the kind of slapper to take that laying down (DOHOHOHO!) and she quits/is fired...

Bianca turns up at Kat's current domicile, not at all fussed by being fired and it being entirely down to Kat. In fact, she's quite happy apparently. Sufficiently happy that she thieved a bottle of wine... but that's OK because "finders keepers"... It's surprising Bianca didn't go for the bar exam with that kind of finely honed legal mind.

Awkwardness continues in the Masood house as Zainab mistakenly thinks AJ is after Geordie Racer, while Masood hasn't a clue what to do around her. He gently tries to suggest to Zainab that Geordie Racer might not be her crush but she won't take a telling. Until he later suggests that trying to keep them apart would make them like Romeo & Juliet, which somehow works... maybe Zainab has a weakness for The Bard?

Which gives Masood the opportunity to have an even more awkward conversation with Geordie Racer about her game of footsie. Apparently he was actually under the misapprehension she was infatuated with AJ... oh. Masood spends a long time telling Geordie Racer her it's just a crush and it's all because her dad died. That's not patronising.

So, Masood can't bring himself to tell Zainab that Geordie Racer fancies him and instead blurts out it's Ray (because he just walked in the shop when he was trying to tell her)... Will comedy ensue? Don't hold your breath because here comes Ray, returning expired milk and oh, looks like Masood has been rumbled! Everyone except Masood is still baffled by what happened but Zainab gets Geordie Racer alone to impart some word of wisdom - don't leave letters around the place because people will read them.

Masood following soap logic 101, decides the best place to have a discussion about Geordie Racer's inappropriate feelings toward him is right by the paper thin door of the dining room... perhaps he's aware that people's hearing in soaps is extremely variable and really just a function of the plot?

Dexter and Ava are on the Square again... because Dexter's car has chosen to break down there and Ava has a job interview to get to... This leads to Dexter and Jay fixing the car together. Phil walks in and is... well, Phil but Ava to the rescue... except this conversation somehow inexplicably leads to Phil offering Dexter a job.

Lauren and Joey are either incapable of listening to Pointless Poppy babble on or possibly Kat walking in on them earlier just means they're suffering from some sexual frustration... it must be pretty extreme as they're apparently willing to fornicate in the toilets of the Vic but PP interrupts. This apparently gives Lauren the bright idea to thieve her keys so she and Joey can use her flat for sex.

AND THEN DOROTHY WALKS IN!

Friday 11th January 2013

Zainab finds a letter from Geordie Racer - which is rather raunchy but it doesn't mention who she likes... Firstly, why is she writing a letter. Secondly, who is she writing to? Thirdly, why doesn't she mention who it is she likes? Anyway, Zainab assumes it's Arfuuuuuuuuuur or Tamwar for some reason and gets Masood to try and find out who she likes! What if it's him?!

Apparently Masood is working flexi-time for his job as a postman. He just starts whenever and goes at his own pace - something many will likely think is rather close to the truth. Anyway, with Zainab off on her way, the wacky hijinks can ensue! First it's Tamwar and he acts about as naturally as if Geordie Racer is a three headed monkey.

She then says that Arfuuuuuur is an idiot... she is certainly one of the more intelligent additions to the Square in recent years! Masood has been wowing her with his knowledge of the Royal Mail... amusingly this is probably some of the best writing Eastenders has had in recent memory - no joke, it's amazing what copying and pasting from Wikipedia can do for the quality of this show! Oh and Masood seems to deduce that his comedy brother AJ is Geordie Racer's crush. Zainab is not best pleased.

At dinner, having apparently managed to get Zainab unspeakably aroused by telling her in no uncertain terms that he's going to sort thing out with Geordie Racer's crush on AJ - he reacts to some footsy as if it was oral sex but when Zainab leaves the table and the footsy continues... IT WAS GEORDIE RACER ALL ALONG! Yeah, who saw that coming?

Ian tells Denise she's always welcome but she has to sort this out once and for all with Kim - who is kicking Shirley out of the B&B for not paying... what a shockingly sensible move. Denise's sisterly love knows no bounds as she's apparently able to say it was all her fault and apologise unreservedly.

To show that all is not well between Ray and Kim though, he is making a sandwich for Kirstie! She is certainly a model of female empowerment, isn't she? Just another character from the Crayon Crew that feels designed to set women's rights back by a decade or two... No change there then.

When Ray rolls around to the B&B, he ends it quickly and then tells Kim it's over. Kim acts as if this is the end of the world and might as well wrap herself around Ray's leg as he sprints out the front door... Ray even tells her to try and keep it classy and walk away - you should know she hasn't a shred of class in her body, Ray!

Denise tries to console her sister but as Kim as dumber than a sack of hammers (and despite the fact Ray said it was nothing to do with Denise etc.) she rounds on her sister and wants her out of her life and out of her house... even though we established JUST the other day that it's NOT HER HOUSE. Then she goes back to the B&B to blub.

Recrimination at the Branning household over the disastrous dinner party rumble on. Cora decides it's time to snap at Abi - who reacts like a puppy that just got the rolled up newspaper. So it's no surprise that when she opens the door, it's Dexter. Who she isn't too fond of because she got the newspaper.

Just as he's about to leave, Cora catches up with him but apparently his mother possess the same mutant ability as Nightcrawler and she teleports in to have a go at him. Cora says he was just saying sorry, prompting Ava to look not very pleased but Cora looks quite happy as the two leave.

In a classic example of what psychologists would refer to as transference but is more likely just lazy writing, Abi comes up to Jay who is on his community service and has a go at him about his behaviour last night. In stark contrast to just about every single other time when this happens, when people fall silent and become like statues - this is apparently a source of great amusement to everyone and she gets a round of applause from the onlookers when she's done... the gist of what she's saying is that she's sick of getting the rolled up newspaper just because she's within arm's reach.

Everyone reacts surprised when she goes home and shouts the odds at her parents, pointing out that Max is subhuman scum who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as her mother and then she declares she's as mad as hell and she's not going to take this any more. She's grumping in her room and Oscar brings her a broach that makes her cry.

Jay apologise to Abi via flowers and everyone seems to be going out of their way to be nice to her... clearly a little assertiveness goes a long way but no doubt, come Monday this will all be forgotten and Abi shall have returned to being the timorous wee creature that we all remember.

Shirley is suffering the indignity of being trained by Liam at please-don't-sue-us-this-isn't-KFC-we-promise, when Phil swans in... clearly with a hankering for some trademarked not-KFC chicken. He asks her what she's doing there and she replies "Earning a living." Most people would probably have to do that rather more immediately.

Thursday 10th January 2013

Tanya is going on about Secret Wife, tell Max that she wants the Secret Wife DEAD, she wants her family DEAD... oh, wait. No, she just wants her gone - that worked so well before, didn't it Tanya. Max goes to tell Secret Wife he wants a divorce and what better way to discuss that than over dinner!

Later in the cafffffff, Tanya is having a discussion with the severely asthmatic Sharon (if Eastenders is all about issues, shouldn't she have an inhaler?) but who should walk in? KIRSTIE! Who announces that she's coming round for dinner. Tanya tries to rope Sharon in but apparently she's working... there's a first time for everything... and so Tanya decides the best thing is to have THE ENTIRE FAMILY. Just what Eastenders needed, MORE OF THE BRANNINGS!

Tanya is hysterical about the dinner - to the point Lauren and Joey walk in and would probably have walked straight back out if Tanya hadn't ordered them to stay and who could blame them... apparently Tanya's plan is to show Secret Wife what a big happy family she's up against... you're going to need all the luck you can get for that, Tanya.

The inevitably awkward dinner scene ensues with little of anything happening... except that Abi brought the mysterious new black guy who has become her best friend - much to Jay's predictable chagrin, in fact it's that chagrin which meant Abi took Dexter rather than Jay - and so when Jay returns from a day of community service, he's sufficiently enraged to take a pop at Dexter. Goodness.

In yet another example of how people in Walford are prone to forget the existence of  modern telecommunication equipment, the long lost Ava returns to join the menagerie - where there is a strangely self-aware moment that shows the recognition of just how preposterous the convoluted relationships are - before we find out that Dexter is Ava's son...  something that might have been slightly surprising if it wasn't for the fact he'd been shown with pictures of Abi and Lauren... although  how he got those... nobody knows!

Kat spends a few minutes trying to get into the Vic but can't bring herself to go in. Even Poxy's primitive brain is able to tell that Alife pines for his half-baked, half-basted sexually insatiable wife though. Goodness, Poxy - it's almost as if all the indications that this rebound relationship which even YOU ADVISED AGAINST was a monstrously bad idea, eh?

Jacknocchio with Sharon on his arm looks smug at Phil. Who decides to take his bad mood out on Alfie by demanding rent when it isn't due but as he's off being Saint Alfie, Poxy tells him to go and whistle for it... probably a bad idea, a walk across the Square winds him - a good whistle could kill him. Unfortunately as Bianca is bustlin' around, she mentions that Alfie went to see Kat... even Poxy isn't falling for that.

Kat and Alfie talk and despite having been infused with righteous anger the other day, it really seems that Alfie is pretty much back to where he was before. Not only is Alfie happy to smooth over everything with Poxy AND Bianca for her job at the Vic, she's welcome there any time and despite the fact she has had a long running affair with someone things are now OK between them. That was fast!

Alfie gets rumbled by Poxy - that's got to be a real low for anyone... and GO FIGHT! Alfie looks rather ashamed of himself. He's also started exhibiting signs of multiple personalities. There's Saint Alfie and Angry Alfie. Saint Alfie is kind and patient, capable of forgiving the most unforgivable behaviour - Angry Alfie snaps at the slightest delay, is rash and loud and communicates almost exclusively via shouts.

Poxy takes relationship advice from Jack... wow. She's either very brave or very stupid...  ha. Not really, just very stupid but Jack hanging around DA CAFFFFFFF means he has another run in with Phil! Phil actually tries to do the wooden top a good turn by pointing out Sharon just left a husband at the altar and the guy before that was murdered. He seems genuinely surprised that Jack knows he proposed... although, Jack omits to mention that this is only because Count Moonula saw her galumphing conspicuously around the Square with an engagement ring.

Alfie tries to make it up to Poxy by giving her flowers and then Kat comes in. Things move from uneasy to confrontational in about the time it takes to pour a G&T, Kat and Poxy quickly at each others throats, with Kat accusing Poxy of stealing her man, her job, her pub! Perhaps she should have thought about that before philandering? To everyone's surprise - but most especially Kat's - Saint Alfie of Walford sides with Poxy... but sadly misses a prime opportunity to tell her to GER OURRA MY PUB!

Geordie Racer and Denise chat at the breakfast table, although the topic of infidelity seems an ill advised one... seems like Geordie Racer is going to fit in just fine! She escapes to work and is apparently now going to throw herself into her career by applying to be a regional manager! But oh no! Zainab is going for that job too! Denise then pulls a "poor me", as apparently her children have abandoned her and the only thing she has to aspire to in life is the regional manager position in Minute Mart. REACH FOR THE STARS!

Geordie Racer comes to ask Denise about loving someone you can't have - foreshadowing! Then Zainab tells her, don't talk to Geordie Racer, that she's applying for the regional manager position (as she's the ONLY possible competition) and also, get out of her house. Ian - who has been walking in to brag about his prowess at selling fruit 'n' veg all day - makes an ill advised joke about a tough day at the office, causing Denise to break down... at least this imminent romance will make more sense than the Ian & Mandy one.

At least this time there is some kind of explanation of why Ian is a radically different person... granted it's a bottomlessly stupid one that only the Crayon Crew would try and play straight but what else is new... so, it's at least somewhat credible that Ian and his shiny new personality post-Trampoid recovery would feel some sympathy for Denise and would offer her a place to stay.

Oh and having earlier shunned Count Moonula's plans for Walford domination/distribution of Derek's dodgy  notes - Phil is now apparently on-board with an even BETTER plan. Possibly involving him tying Sharon to a railway.

Tuesday 8th January 2013

Everyone's favourite block of wood is still wishing he was a real boy as he stops his car with the BIGGEST earn of ash you've ever seen... it seems a bit low to be making fun of Derek's weight posthumously... but Jacknocchio is sitting there, emoting like teak or possibly mahogany while some nice classical music plays - presumably because if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have a clue that this is a poignant moment.

Jack drops off the mega-urn at Tanya's, muses briefly on how little time we are given on this Earth and then instructs everyone that it's time to move on! Good talk, Jack. Good talk. Then he's off to see Sharon at the club and takes the step of getting Bianca - who is actually doing her job - to leave, so he can talk to his wife-to-be... because you couldn't go into the office or talk later. Nope - it has to be RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

Jack is taking his own advice, it seems as they're announcing the engagement - TONIGHT! Sharon IMMEDIATELY worries about Phil (somewhat surprisingly, she's able to remember her son AND put him before Phil though!) to whit Jack replies "what about him?" That's certainly the most realistic reaction Eastenders has had for a while.

Before the engagement announcement, he goes home where Sharon says that having it at the club is "rubbing Phil's nose in it"... come on,  Sharon - Jack had two choices of venue and Phil owns 'em both! Jacknocchio immediately deduces that Sharon  hasn't told Don Mitchelloni about the engagement and has a little hissy fit - always a good way to start off life together, acting  like a spoilt child. Although, Sharon has had the monopoly on that so far... and asthma attacks.

Denise is rudely awakened by Zainab... because apparently them falling out (seriously, it was ONE drunken kiss!) means Denise is now homeless. Something that seems particularly stupid as it's PATRICK'S house... something that Patrick even has to point out to the brainless wonder mere moments later... but then trying to understand how exactly the B&B functions is punishment of a both cruel and unusual nature.

Raymondo clearly isn't too happy at the schism he has caused between Kim and Denise. Not surprising as this feud immediately escalates to Kim locking Denise out the house (something Denise  immediately points out is idiotic given that she's in a B&B), then goes upstairs to throw a convenient bucket of water... this is how five year olds behave!

Time for a confrontation between Raymondo and Denise! Ray says things between him and Kim haven't been right for quite some time - the fact the relationship happened shows you're a deeply troubled individual, Ray... and perhaps it's that knowledge which causes Denise to say she'll take the bullet, despite the fact Ray seems willing to set the record straight (as it was he who made the first move).

Denise turns up to apologise to Kim but the brainless one is aching for a fight. Kim pronounces that Ray is the best thing that ever happened to her and that Denise is just jealous and Denise is outta there! How has she held off murdering him?

Saint Alfie has managed to lose the industrial quantities of vitriol he had toward Kat, as he sees her struggling to pay in the Minute Mart (here's a clue, Kat - if you're hard up, DON'T SHOP THERE!) and offers to give her child support but accepting the money would be far too sensible!

Poxy spots this display and confronts Alfie about the clear concern he's showing for Kat. One wonders why Alfie just decided to give his son to her, when apparently the break-up also resulted in her being fired - meaning she's a single mother with no income... Best not to search for rhyme or reason though. Poxy then discovers that Sharon gave Kat a job and looks bewildered... that's pretty much her natural state though. Poxy then somehow manages to orchestrate a very complicated (for her) plan, that involves Kat cleaning at the Vic... which cheers up Saint Alfie no end. Count Moonula even points out how pathetic this is - ouch.

Cluck, cluck, cluck! It's mother hen Phil! Micromanaging Lola's time with Lexi. Lola is back a whole twenty minutes late and cluck, cluck, cluck goes Phil. Unfortunately for Sharon, her refereeing of this bout means she doesn't tell him about the engagement! Oh no! Also, Sharon and Lola are BFFs now.

Tanya and Kirstie (Secret Wife) have a run in at the caffffffffffff, which ends with Tanya arranging for them to meet in five minutes (actually, it's thirty minutes but it could be ten seconds and it could be a trillion epochs for all the difference it makes)... then in five minutes time (see how important it was to establish that!) we get the ol' "here is money - take it and go", approach... inexplicably interrupted by Pointless Poppy. Is this some kind of mental conditioning to get people to walk more? Why use a phone when you could walk to see that person instead?!

Kirstie takes the money and leaves... Wow, that was over quickly! Phew... looks like we dodged a bullet there! Then later we see her getting in a taxi... which Tanya sees. Just as well taxis are only capable of going in one direction, thus ensuring the Secret Wife is gone FOREVER! Oh, wait - she turns up at the club... what a shocker. It would have been more shocking if she'd actually left and we weren't faced with the wretched prospect of another Max infidelity storyline that will be drawn out for months.

Count Moonula was in his counting house, counting all his counterfeit money and shows it to Jack... who as a  former police officer is able to detect counterfeit notes from a hundred paces with any of his five senses... it's one of the perks of the job and why there's no need for officers specifically tasked to dealing with counterfeit currency, obviously.

In a very strange scene, he and Phil end up next to each other in... a building with their babies and they talk babies. Which leads to Count Moonula proposing they join forces but Phil seems about enthused at the prospects as the Daleks did about joining the Cybermen.

So! Time for the big engagement party! The club is heavin'! It's no Monday but it's still pretty busy. Tanya is not best pleased at Secret Wife's lack of disappearance... she must be pretty stupid if she thinks a hundred pounds is going to send someone packing... but she feels the need to tell Kirstie that Max and then Kirstie goes on to explain Max's likes (and flaws) and then asks a question many people have asked over the years - why do they want him? We may never know.

For reasons of dramatic convenience, Lola and Phil are both at the club when Jack makes the announcement of his impending nuptials to Sharon - it's so romantic when you say the reason you're marrying someone is because your brother just died... Anyway, Lola looks shocked - because Phil's porky pies about getting married to Sharon have been exposed and Phil and Sharon share a meaningful look to DOOFS!

Monday 7th January 2013

Kim finds what she thinks is a ring box in Ray's pockets and he walks in, apparently not best pleased as he tries to pull it from her hands. Oh but it's not a ring, just a necklace... Ray might be stupid enough to be going out with you Kim but marry you? He'd need to lose a lot of his brain cells to think THAT was a good idea. Oh and Denise walks in and is very obviously awkward and uncomfortable.

Ray tells her she needs to act natural - I think just the ability to string sentences together when the three of you are in a room together would be a better place to start. Ray points out that telling Kim will just hurt her and that he doesn't want to do that... Denise isn't looking too happy about it though.

Sufficiently unhappy to make the most elementary mistake of telling Patrick about what happened with Ray. Fortunately, he has the presence of mind to do pretty much the exact same thing that Ray did and tell her to just get over it, recognising that a momentary lapse of judgement isn't worth the hurt feelings it would likely cause.

Denise compliments Kim and this leads her dim witted sister to conclude she needs to force Ray to marry her. Which leads to her confronting Ray in such a way that he assumes Denise has told her about the kiss and so, we immediately get a "She came onto me!" response. Should have played it cool, man! Anyway, what's the revelation of unfaithfulness without a slap and Kim runs over to the Vic JUST to slap Denise!

Kat has apparently entered the period of mourning (although, this time she hasn't removed her thick caking of slap - she's apparently letting it decay naturally) as she's dressed all in black and tells Half-Day Alice - glumly playing with a lighter - that she'll put some money toward the bills. With the two or three full shifts she manages to work a year that could be upward of £80 in the next twelve months, looks like any potential financial woes of yours are over, Alice! She thrusts money into Alice's hand...

Max wakes up Joey for his day in court and having only an hour to get ready, he goes to see his sister, entering the room as Kat leaves and thus ensues another ill advised attempt to have Alice and Joey interact. Apparently nobody told Alice how her father died, which seems strange... not just because that's usually what normal people do but also because recounting the hilarity of Derek's demise would surely bring some levity to the situation - it will also raise awareness that ants-in-the-pants can be a fatal condition and knowing is half the battle!

Proving she's not just Alice of the Half-Day but also Alice of the Half-Brain, she is only just now working out that there was more than one person present when her father died and is apparently not best pleased at this revelation... or she could be trying to remember the capital of Bhutan - that's easy, it's Thimphu and the currency is the Bhutanese ngultrum!

Max comes to remind Joey he's got to go to court and so, Alice interrogates him about the death of her father but for Max lying comes as easily as breathing and with only half a brain, the poor girl is completely flummoxed by the eloquent gruntings of Max but she's suspicious enough to go to interrogate the rather less intellectual Jack.

Joey has apparently said Derek died begging for help - that's funny, seemed more like he cursed everyone's names and then had a fatal attack of ants-in-the-pants! Jack then just does the shockingly sensible thing of telling Alice the truth - that the Hogfather had a massive ants-in... sorry, HEART ATTACK and they all just watched and there was nothing anyone could do... Alice seems to focus on the fact no one was with him in his final moments... which seems fairly pointless as it's unlikely he'd have any useful consciousness... if only she had a brain...

Her job is not yet done though and so, she must interrogate Kat about the death of her father. Kat says she thought Derek was joking... she's not the only one! Then takes the bold step of saying she stopped Joey from help the Hogfather... This causes Alice to storm off... even though none of this makes a blind bit of difference.

Having pieced together this elaborate puzzle, she is able to tell Joey that it wasn't his fault... unless that's going to turn into the Robin Williams "It's not your fault" scene from "Good Will Hunting" (which it doesn't), that doesn't make a lick of sense but anything to get this dismal pair less screentime!

Masood, Zainab and Geordie Racer are doing cooking - hey, they're pretty good at this! Maybe they should consider setting up some kind of catering business! Zainab offers some relationship advice to Geordie Racer - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach (false, it's through the rib cage) - but really, do you want to take advice from a woman who ended up marrying the man who tried to BURN HER TO DEATH?! Geordie Racer instantly agrees and they agree a practice run. When? TONIGHT, OF COURSE! But from the expression on Geordie Racer's face - she is not at all prepared to cook as she is expected to... will wacky hijinks ensue?!

Goodness, could these be wacky hijinks? Masood walks in to find Geordie Racer making a real hash of things in the kitchen and for no adequately explained reason, Masood has to teach her to cook NOT Zainab. That we next see them side by side with Masood telling Geordie Racer she must find what her taste is seems to be setting up another slightly unwholesome relationship vibe... And Zainab tries the food  and loves it!

Kat - despite having earlier thrust money into Alice's hand - is apparently jobless and comes across Bianca, who seems to be working very hard to take the title of "Walford's Biggest Loser" from Billy Idiot. If you'd forgotten that Bianca has been living hand to mouth since... well, always - she's standing there with her shoe  falling to pieces. Why so subtle, Crayon Crew? Why not have her clothing torn and smear some dirt on her face too? This misery is sufficiently apparent to Kat that she just lets Bianca go for a job put up in the Minute-Mart window.

Or not as she turns up at the club to talk to Sharon about the cleaning job personally. Kat says she's do anything that pays... it's hard see this storyline ending up in anything other than Kat as a prostitute now... The only surprise there is that in a show as thoroughly woman hating as Eastenders is that it took so long but we're not quite there yet as Bianca arrives and the two are set against one another to clean the already pristine toilets of the club - goodness, it's like no one ever uses this place!

Kat gets the job but as if the Crayon Crew haven't bashed you over the head with the message that Bianca is hard-up, she has to fix her falling apart shoe again and Kat immediately talks to Sharon and goes to see Bianca and now they will share the job 50/50 - thus ensuring neither of them get a living wage! This immediately makes them BFFs.

Oh and a black teenager turns up, stares suspiciously at the car lot. Gives Abi a tenner he pretends she dropped, follows her into the caffffffffff and helps her revise and later stands outside her house with a picture of her and one of Lauren... Just another day in Walford!

Friday 4th January 2013 Part 2

Abi chides her mother for paranoia when she immediately concludes from Max not answering his phone that he's off with Secret Wife - when that is the correct answer. Then she activates her super senses and is able to hear her father's phone and despite the fact it has just about the most generic ringtone in the world, she is able to immediately deduce it's his and then we find Max alone, having a cigarette. Dohohoho. Oh, Eastenders - playing with expectations there, eh? Ha - as if we would ever get off so easily. So, another infidelity plot begins trundling on it's tiresome way... and with Max of all  people. Goodness, that's original.

Cora notes that they're going to be late and has a fantastic reaction to Abi telling her that Lauren is having a drama, "Another one?" That's pretty much how everyone should be in Eastenders. In fact, if Cora isn't careful she might be mistaken for something resembling a real person... OK, perhaps that's a bit too much hyperbole...

In what seems to be another instance of padding for the sake of padding (and because they had the cars) we are treated to a very long shot of the hearse and other cars driving VERY slowly and then we get to see from INSIDE of the cars as they drive around VERY slowly. Riveting.

Carol finally receives the letter from Doctor Holby - sorry, Ian Wicks - and realises that Derek wasn't a very nice chap and decides she isn't going to the funeral... and then Jack does a guilt trip thing because obviously, if you don't go to the funeral - THAT'S IT. It's not as if a funeral is a mere formality and really just an arbitrary ceremony and ritual that we go through to try and make ourselves feel better about the often senseless (or in the case of Walford perhaps that should be meaningless and pointless) nature of a cold and uncaring universe. No, if you don't go to the funeral then that's your chance of reconciling differences with the deceased LITERALLY DEAD AND BURIED.

Arfuuuuuuur makes the fatal mistake of trying to have a conversation with Joey. A scene that feels as if it was  taken OUT of some edge comedy show for being TOO toe curlingly awkward and somehow found itself in this random episode of Eastenders. It gets so bad that Joey actually jumps out of the car (sadly, it's stationary) and starts running.

Following the long tradition of Walford crimes - Lauren and Lucy have their confrontation immediately outside the police station as police officers casually walk by but just as it looks as if Lauren is going to turn herself in (because Lucy apparently decided she wouldn't turn her in but makes Lauren think it's a good idea). Luckily Joey turns up in the nick of time - he's muttering fairly incoherently but it sounds as if he now thinks his father was great? How? Oh and he loves Lauren... again. People in Eastenders flip flop more than politicians at the beach.

Finally, we're at the funeral... just as well - at the rate it was going, it seemed as if we'd have to a few people dead of old age by the time it started. See, if Eastenders had been really smart - they'd have just coordinated the funeral and christening to happen at the same church at the same time, it would have saved a fortune.

As Joey is having a tearful reunion with Lauren and Carol has found something new to be miserable about, an intoxicated Cora stands up to talk about Derek... which turns into a bit of a rant. A meandering nonsensical one that doesn't do much beyond provide the opportunity for Joey (with Lauren in tow) and Carol to arrive as well as a mysterious high heeled stranger! Oh, it's Secret Wife - why didn't they show her face? Was that really a big reveal?

Joey then does the hardest thing he's ever had to do - try and show emotion. Fortunately, a wall is there to do most of the legwork for him and all credit to that wall, it really does a great job. It would be good to see it get some recognition at the soap awards, seldom has a piece of masonry been asked to shoulder so much responsibility in a British soap.

Ian and Alfie are in the Vic apparently toasting Derek's demise - it's about time someone did that! Alfie is again giving the very fake bravado about how great thing are. To prove this, we cut to him having a little cry during Cora's eulogy. It would drive most people to tears but the fact it can have an influence on Alfie who is mile away and can't even hear it is very impressive.

In a similarly irrelevant storyline, Jay is in the caffffffffff - hard up for cash. Phil is in an uncharacteristically generous mood - we'll see how long that lasts - showing some genuine interest in Jay before finally offering him his job back.

Friday 4th January 2013

Tanya is offering a justification of why the death of Derek has caused upset rather than merriment... it's flimsy to say the least.

Jacknocchio and Max have decided the best way to honour Derek is to go round and coerce Joey into going to the funeral. Not content with the standard Walford brand intimidating language (they ain't asking!), they actually manhandle him off the sofa for his Walford brand intimidating language. Ironically, that probably is just what Derek and 'is 'eart as black as pitch would have wanted.

Secret Wife clearly feeling that she needs to throw herself in at the deep end, takes some sandwiches to Misery Guts Carol... and receives a tirade from Walford's most cheerful resident, which culminates in Misery Guts Carol telling Secret Wife that she has to deliver an ultimatum.

Lucy and Lauren meet in the almost abandoned laundry... rather awkwardly because Lucy saw Joey and Lauren kissing. Lucy jumps to the rather strange conclusion that Lauren had to have Joey because she was copying her, before making a snide remark about the fact Joey is family - what, no "keeping it in the family" joke?!

Lauren then makes the schoolboy error of confessing she was driving Derek's car (drunk, no less) when it crashed to her mortal frenemy. Guess how that turns out? With Lucy marching to the police station to tell them... with her long track record of being manipulative, spiteful and vindictive AND the fact she had feelings for Joey who could possibly have seen that coming? Anyone. Even Kim and Poxy would have put that down as a bad idea... but nope, Lauren had the idiot ball... seriously, wouldn't this scene have made more sense if she was at least drunk?

Jacknocchio is clearly in a mood to work with his hands because after having pushed Joey around, he's handling the incredibly gauche funeral wreathes that spell out "BROTHER" and "DEREK"... He clearly realises that he made a massive error in judgement paying to have such a horribly tacky display for the brother he was pretty much willing to murder a week ago because it moves him to tears. Showing the wide diversity of coping methods and proving Eastenders is nothing if not a bastion of good role models, Max is hitting the scotch on his own before noon.

Pointless Poppy turns up at Half-Day Alice's house, telling Alice and Kat (who has gone from basted turkey to overly dry turkey) that cornflakes relieve stress. Yes - it's all the prozac they put in them, Poppy. Half-Day Alice can barely finish sentences fortunately, she never says anything of consequence - white noise is more memorable. Oh and Pointless Poppy tries to talk her through the stages of grief... which fills Kat with enough hatred of humanity, that she walks out and immediately insults Joey.

Joey then lists off the reasons for hating his father which include his emotional and physical abuse of both  his mother and him (sufficiently serious to hospitalise his mother), him being a career criminal and of course, the absence that led to... and then Kat delivers a bizarre rant about how Joey needs to grow up, which seems to imply that he can't care for his sister AND hate his father. She's probably suffering make-up withdrawal. Poppy imbues Alice with some more pearls of wisdom and Joey is coming to the funeral now!

Max and Secret Wife meet out in the open so there's nothing suspicious or untoward going on. No, wait - sorry. They meet in the back alley on the Square where people only meet when they're doing something suspicious or untoward and someone needs to seem them and Secret Wife says she hates Max. That's not very nice, he just offered to pay your train fare - he'll probably have to remortgage the house for that!

Carol and Jack talk about their childhood. Apparently it was miserable. Quelle surprise and then the seemingly endless stream of cars pull in... With Cora offering  her opinion on the funeral, it feels as if she's trying out to be some kind of BBC funeral commentator... Unfortunately she relates this to Sharon, who looks like she's realising today was a bad day to stop taking opiates.

In the laundrette, as one generally leaves washing of clothes to the last second, Lauren's impromptu disappearance has caused havoc. Tanya then holds her phone skyward and declares "I can't get a signal". Oh no, if only the cars were WITHIN SHOUTING DISTANCE. As it turns out, this is merely dramatic contrivance for her to go outside and say "where are you Max?!" only for us to hear a phone ringing in the distance... and then after Abi telling us that Lauren is at the police station, we cut to Max and his wife, kissing in the alley... so, the secret to a woman's heart is with an on-peak rail ticket! THAT'S HIS SECRET!

Thursday 3rd January 2013

Max and Tanya are back from their honeymoon - both looking suitably miserable but apparently Secret Wife has gone. Cue discussion of Max and Tanya's relationship... Yawn but at least the Secret Wife is gone! After all, the notion of someone just uprooting themselves overnight is ridiculous!

Denise says she's fine - meaning she isn't. This leads to Kim planning a double date which mutates into a triple date due to Zainab. THE HORROR! Which only escalates, as they inform Denise of their plan and Ian looks on, grinning like a loon.

She arrives at the party to find herself between Ian and AJ - something that most would deem both cruel and unusual punishment. Painfully unfunny comedy hijinks ensue with the fact  that this was all just a thinly veiled means to get Denise a man revealed in the most prosaic manner possible. The Crayon Crew make the boldly regressive step of pretty much having everyone (including Denise herself) agree that the lack of a man in her life, makes her a  failure...

Denise pours her heart out to Ray and confesses that it's so impossible for a single woman to be happy that she was considering going to see Lucas. Yes, Lucas the superpowered serial killer that killed her ex-husband, faked her death, kidnapped her and was presumably going to get around to killing her sooner or later... That may just have set women's rights so far back that we're talking about a period before creatures even emerged from the oceans to walk on the land... Oh and the icing on the cake is that she and Ray end up sharing a kiss.

A quick fake out with Sharon as it looks as if Phil is talking to her but it turns out that she's with Jack and Phil is talking to Lexi. Wanting to start married life together on the right foot, Sharon wants to keep their engagement a secret and hasn't told Jack about Phil's proposal... Just the kind of thing the kind of honesty and integrity that would finally convince you that a 40+ emotional wreck of a single mother with a substance abuse problem and an old flame who is Walford's crime boss supreme and has JUST stated his intention to win her back is the woman for you, no?

Surprisingly, Jacknocchio isn't even slightly upset about Sharon's lie of omission. In a world where people fly into murderous rages at the drop of a hat - Jack amongst them - he's just acting far too unfazed by this. So unfazed that off he goes to get her a ring.

Sharon goes to give the increasingly maternal Phil (it's almost a surprise he isn't trying to nurse Lexi) to hand the ring back and reject his proposal. She mentions their history together... yes, you've got history with Phil - MOST OF IT BAD. Alarmingly though, Phil while clearly not best pleased by this turn of events - says he's neither going to start a fight with her nor will he go and beat up Jack... This is starting to feel downright spooky!

Half-Day Alice and  Joey have a chat... Kat sums up pretty much anyone's reaction to the mere prospect of this by opening the door on them and then immediately leaving... and why exactly is she still staying at Derek's house? A question so pertinent, even the human glass of water feels compelled to ask her - and apparently it's because Derek wouldn't want her on the streets.

Lauren discovers the return of Joey and stops by to pine like a lovesick puppy for her cousin. Fortunately, this leads to Joey saying something that makes Half-Day Alice strop off. Although, this somehow leads to her and Kat talking about the death of Derek... more tedium and as if the discussion of human mortality and the inevitability of death's embrace hasn't made you glad you've taken to locking away all sharp objects before watching Eastenders, Misery Guts Carol turns up.

Having received a less than warm reception from Joey earlier, Lauren has remembered her alcohol problem again and is hence in the Vic, drowning her sorrows and then Joey arrives and pretty much the exact same conversation they've had a dozen times since the car crash occurs where Lauren accuses Joey of not loving her... but this is fortunately cut short by the revelation that... THE SECRET WIFE IS HERE! And Max and Tanya are going to the pub! ONOES!

Plot contrivance means that Max gets to see Secret Wife outside, where he can grunt at her in his guttural tongue before entering the Vic and suggesting they leave and when Secret Wife appears behind the bar, Tanya immediately jumps to the conclusion that she and Max have somehow been colluding or some such... thank goodness for that! With Phil and Jack not immediately going nanners things in the Square were just starting to get TOO reasonable! Anyway, Tanya storms off followed by Max.

And to further prove that this is the Walford we've all come to know - Phil shows up at the Vic and tells Jack (with Sharon RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM) that all he's won is the humiliation when Sharon comes back to him... Oh and next week - Phil grows a moustache to twirl, while he ties Sharon to some train tracks. Not really - that would be far more plausible than this storyline.

Tuesday 1st January 2013

Phil is still as broody as ever as everyone prepares for the christening of Lexi - an event so important that Sharon's kinder egg abomination has been released from his holding pen at the 24/7 boarding school to ask if godparents are actually gods - sorry Crayon Crew, Outnumbered this ain't.

Jacknocchio apparently hasn't told Sharon that Phil now plans to steal her away from him... Instead choosing to passive aggressively make comments about her going to Lexi's christening. Although, generally in Eastenders trying to tell someone something like that results in them exploding (not literally, sadly) and them immediately not trusting anything that is said.

Jacknocchio decides that going to see Phil is the best course of action and Phil has sufficient brassneck to say that he STILL intends to pursue Sharon... the idea of anyone wanting to fight over the wreck of a woman that is Sharon is preposterous but then perhaps this is the Crayon Crew doing their part for gender equality - after all, Phil is one of the Square's most prolific Lotharios and even his long time squeeze Shirley felt compelled to describe him as looking like a sunburnt boiled egg.

After the mandatory shouting of threats, Jack storms off with Phil stopping JUST short of doing a Catherine Tate impression to show how bothered he is by this display. Cue Lola and Billy Idiot - for once, Lola doesn't immediately start acting like a spoilt child when she finds that Lexi is ready to go...  perhaps that her New Year's resolution?

Cora tells Jay that Phil is a clever man and that he's brought three houses together overnight - "a nice little empire", she calls it... what, did Eastenders just become Game of Thrones? Somehow, being godparents is all part of Phil's elaborate plan for hegemony of all of Walford! How, why... these aren't details Cora bothers to explain.

Sharon forgets about the invention of the mobile phone (a regular occurrence in Walford) and has to go looking for Jacknocchio. This gives Shirley to oppurtunity to tell her that she should never have let Phil in! Wow, Shirley has become amazingly one note since her return - has she uttered a single sentence that doesn't amount to verb adjective Phil?

The mostly hotly contested woman in Walford manages to find Jack though and after recounting the fact she was a homeless, jobless single mother and Jack took her off the streets (and wasn't even bothered by the fact she has a substance abuse problem) and apparently forgetting the massive amount of tolerance he showed for her sham engagement to Phil - Sharon now immediately equates a reasonable request from Jack for her to not involve herself with an ex to orders. She also seems to have a mild asthma attack during this scene... or that could be her acting... Oh and Jack gives the worst proposal ever before Sharon strides off.

Lola bemoans the apparent cost of the christening - commenting that no one spends this much money without wanting something in return... are you only JUST working that out? Or did you forget the constant suspicion you've had of Phil from the second he gained custody? She and Billy Idiot are standing around gawking as Phil looks for Sharon...

Phil finds Sharon in his house and they have a heart to heart - where the Crayon Crew feel the need to point out the rinse and repeat nature of Eastenders. Leave pointing out the idiocy of Eastenders to the pros, guys. Obviously with a christening to get to - it's time for a heart to heart. Where Phil makes it clear that he wants to hook up with Sharon - they also throw around the word empire a couple more times... are we going to find out that Phil is planning to claim the Iron Throne of the Westeros?! If so, his first move is apparently proposing to Sharon.

Phil finally gets around to going to the christening he arranged, only to find out that Lexi is nowhere to be seen and that's because Lola has discovered that the order of service for the christening names Lexi a Mitchell! Which prompts Lola to abscond with her baby, oh dear. Phil turns up and Lola instantly jumps into shouty tirade, followed by tearful breakdown. Apparently Lexi being a Mitchell is a big deal and prompts Phil to reveal his proposal to Sharon and this is sufficient to make Lola (who has just finished going on about how her name is important) reconsider.

Even Jacknocchio's wooden brain has pieced together the information that Count Moonula has been dropping and he realises that Phil proposed to Sharon and so, he and Count Moonula turn up to the church... only to find that Phil isn't there... it's starting to feel like there should be Benny Hill music playing or possibly some Carry On jokes.

FINALLY, everyone is at the church... took them long enough, interglacial periods have been shorter! So, Sharon goes to see Jacknocchio looking as emotional as a block of wood can (less emotional than an IKEA flat pack, as it turns out) over the grave of his son and they are fully reconciled because his son died or something.

Lola is barely able to contain her anger as Phil completely ignores her when he insists the ceremony start without Sharon... why does she constantly act surprised at this? Then there's more padding with the boring christening ceremony... clearly, they had the church for the day as we have to hear every line, see every step. Yawn.

Lexi isn't going to go through with the naming though - as Sharon isn't there - but then, like an angel with a bad wig, she appears! And Lexi is named a Mitchell... why exactly does that matter? Lola clearly stated earlier than she's Lexi Pearce on the birth certificate!

And then Phil, Sharon and Jack all disappear at the same time so Sharon can accept a proposal! BUT IT'S FROM SOMEONE OFFSCREEN! 2012 was the year of the Phantom Shagger, will 2013 be the year of Phantom Proposer?!

AJ's spiking of the punch is causing Geordie Racer to vomit... uh... she might be feeling wretched (which is unlikely in itself as she can't have had more than a couple of glasses of the stuff) but for her to still be violently ill? Unlikely... and this is when Zainab finds that Geordie Racer's future husband is coming for lunch. Will hilarity ensue? If you see any pigs flying over the frozen wastes of Hell, then there might just be a chance of that.

As it turns out, Geordie Racer knew the punch was alcoholic. WHAT A TWIST! But the future in-laws arrive in but one hour! TIME TO DO A MONTAGE! Not really. There's some debate about arranged marriage but really nothing substantial - apparently there are only two course for Geordie Racer to pursue. Arranged marriage or clubbing. It's not as if you could meet someone through work, a circle of friends, common interests, general real life encounters or online dating. Nope, it has to be clubbing or arranged marriage. No middle ground.

Geordie Racer has disappeared though - a fact so disconcerting it suddenly makes Tamwar sound as if he's talking in a completely different room to everyone else! Cue awkward scene with the future in-law all sitting silently while they try and find Geordie Racer.

As it turns out, Geordie Racer is hiding out in the Square and has a chat with Sharon. Things that last - last for a reason, Sharon says tritely but fortunately, Masood is able to spy her though. Time for a heart to heart in the playground but breaking new ground, it's on the see-saw not the swings! With Geordie Racer being told it's her life.

Then it turns out that her potential husband is an alright guy... hoorah?

Poxy is all bubbly about moving in with Alfie... despite it obviously being a big mistake as he's not even been broken up with Kat for a week and had been in a relationship with her for YEARS. Count Moonula is not best pleased - he mentions the strange mind altering powers of the Vic and the fact her father was murdered there. Nice.

Alfie is making the bed and sees the leopard skin cushion that reminds him of his slapper of a wife, before going through to the living room to take down the large picture of him, Kat and Tommy - cradling it like a child. Yes, Alfie - you are clearly in a great place to start a new relationship! Then there's the excessive canoodling as Poxy moves in, a lot of awkwardness... probably to help pad out this hour long episode and no doubt the next few months...

Kim bustles around to reveal that Shirley is at the B&B. In fact, even the woman with no brain is apparently able to realise that as a B&B, they shouldn't have freeloaders as guests are their livelihood. Just as well this is the wacky world of Walford, where everything is made up and money doesn't matter (except when it does - which is when and only when the plot requires it to) but apparently Shirley might get the job at maybe-not-KFC, according to Denise.

And she's right!