Thursday 24th January 2013

Max is on Jacknocchio's sofa, being lambasted for losing two wives in one night. Kicking a man while he's down, eh?

Zainab has been short-listed for the coveted regional  manager position but OH HO HO, so has Denise! It seems the reborn Ian Beale is going to be her SECRET WEAPON as their romance has escalated to her accepting his help (over a pint at the Vic, naturally). He even suggests she try and fix things with Kim!

Cluck, cluck, cluck - it must be the world's most evil (and improbable) mother hen, Phil "motherly" Mitchell. Apparently he's absconding to Cornwall with Lexi and flat out says "there's nothing you can do about it". It really is a shame he doesn't have a moustache to twirl... Hmm, Shirley hasn't been around to shout the odds at him for a while...

Lauren expresses surprise when Tanya says she's going in to work... a valid reaction, people actually going to their jobs in Walford is pretty surprising but Tanya ripostes by saying she still went to work when she was having chemo... uh, did you? Besides, that's not exactly fair given that Tanya didn't have cancer just cancer flu, the symptoms of which never escalated beyond a mild hangover.

Dot gives Cora a piece of her mind about the debt she is faced with and Cora is all heart, she'll give Dot a tenner a week and some shifts! Starting now! Also, the council have stopped Dot's benefits because of her rent arrears... uh, wouldn't a large amount of her benefits be TOWARD HOUSING COSTS?! Oh, right - expectations of realism in this "gritty and realistic" soap are ALWAYS punished. Oh and the icing on the cake is, Cora seems positively delighted at the fact Dot is anguished at the prospect of losing her home. Smiling gleefully as Dot laments her wretched fate.

Tanya is wandering around the Square (that's pretty close to work in Walford) and bumps into Ava... and it turns out that the school she applied to was Oscar's school. What are the chances of your long lost sister randomly getting a job at the same school as your son? About a bajillionty to one if you factor in the fact Ava is presumably going to start working not just midway through a year but midway through a TERM.

No sooner has Tanya told Ava that she and Max have split up (she should consider gets cards printed for when she and Max break-up and get back together - it would be a real time saver) for really really really reals this time, than the Scotch Egg appears in the hardboiled flesh but Tanya is having none of it and tells him to go off and find his real wife! Then she actually arrives at work and what better way to run a business than to crack open the bubbly before lunchtime!

Still in dire need of a moustache to twirl, Phil joins Cora in delighting in the suffering of his fellow man as he taunts Lola with his utter indifference to her and the hoops he is making her jump through. At the laundrette, it seems as if Dot has been possessed by the spirits of a Carry On film but fortunately Billy awkwardly fawning over her return is interrupted when Lola bursts in to drag Billy off to ZE SOCIAL... just watch out for their showers, Lola!

There's a lot of Carry On to go around, as Zainab is in full Carry On mode as she does an interview to prepare for the much vaunted regional  managership. As soon as Masood gets Geordie Racer to play Denise, Zainab is able to show all the career savvy and guile of a petulant twelve year old. Which gets a little awkward when he has to choose between Geordie Racer and Zainab to say who gets the job!

Apparently the work day was over before it even began as the salon has transformed into a ladies night (even though it's still light outside). Tanya states that she's not going to fall for the first guy she beds, Sharon says she's made that mistake and Cora says "Yeah, Phil!" yes and Jack!

Tanya et al roll up at the Vic and Lauren remarks upon the fact Tanya didn't do any work... and then Tanya says she decided to enjoy her freedom and that Lauren isn't the only one that knows how to have fun... wait, what? Your daughter HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM! Have you forgotten about that? Drinking as a crutch is one of the BIGGEST warning signs of alcoholism! To suggest your daughter is having fun when she has an abusive relationship with alcohol means Tanya is either supposed to be the most criminally negligent parent in Walford (which is saying something) or that the Crayon Crew are utterly incapable of understanding how much they're undermining the seriousness of Lauren's problem...  perhaps Tanya isn't the only one that's criminally negligent.

Ian and Denise's date facilitates the revelation that it was Ray who came onto Denise and not the other way around... While Ian pre-empts this intervention with saying that his experiences have taught him that problems  need to be dealt with openly and honestly... it doesn't stop  this from highlighting the fact that this Ian bears absolutely no resemblance to the pre-Mandy Ian. None at all.

Jacknocchio lambastes Max for being a monumental idiot and telling Tanya he had feelings for Kirstie. In fact, he even says if anyone should know not to do that - it's him AND HE AGREES. Wow, they've really just stopped trying...

Further demonstrated by the fact it's a Monday night and so everyone rolls over to the club, where Joey says "I could swear we just opened!" Really? The club seems to open up before noon, even on the winter solstice people are wandering in during broad daylight! Denise's budding romance with Ian is discussed briefly - oh and she and Kim are fine.

Also, Monday is karaoke night apparently... but after belting out some very half-hearted "Dancing Queen", Tanya makes another ill judged comment about her daughter's drinking problem and then everyone is apparently stony faced at the prospect of her drinking more, so she decides to head home...

Lola seems shocked that it took a while for her social worker to appear - fair comment as she usually just seems to appear as required... and surprise, surprise - Lola has lodged a complaint about Phil going off on holiday buuuuut, this isn't the real social services that would only put a child into care as a last resort, this is the fantastical paramilitary neo-fascist organisation from the wildest tabloid fuelled dreams of the Crayon Crew, so the FIRST recourse? TAKE LEXI INTO CARE! For the glory of ZE SOCIAL!

Making poor time, even for a drunk, Tanya seems Max as she's walking home and avails herself of the opportunity to have a go at him before she falls over and has herself a nice little cry on the ground with her mother next to her and she still loves her cheating Scotch Egg of an almost successfully bigamist ex-husband. Aww.