Jacknocchio apparently hasn't told Sharon that Phil now plans to steal her away from him... Instead choosing to passive aggressively make comments about her going to Lexi's christening. Although, generally in Eastenders trying to tell someone something like that results in them exploding (not literally, sadly) and them immediately not trusting anything that is said.
Jacknocchio decides that going to see Phil is the best course of action and Phil has sufficient brassneck to say that he STILL intends to pursue Sharon... the idea of anyone wanting to fight over the wreck of a woman that is Sharon is preposterous but then perhaps this is the Crayon Crew doing their part for gender equality - after all, Phil is one of the Square's most prolific Lotharios and even his long time squeeze Shirley felt compelled to describe him as looking like a sunburnt boiled egg.
After the mandatory shouting of threats, Jack storms off with Phil stopping JUST short of doing a Catherine Tate impression to show how bothered he is by this display. Cue Lola and Billy Idiot - for once, Lola doesn't immediately start acting like a spoilt child when she finds that Lexi is ready to go... perhaps that her New Year's resolution?
Cora tells Jay that Phil is a clever man and that he's brought three houses together overnight - "a nice little empire", she calls it... what, did Eastenders just become Game of Thrones? Somehow, being godparents is all part of Phil's elaborate plan for hegemony of all of Walford! How, why... these aren't details Cora bothers to explain.
Sharon forgets about the invention of the mobile phone (a regular occurrence in Walford) and has to go looking for Jacknocchio. This gives Shirley to oppurtunity to tell her that she should never have let Phil in! Wow, Shirley has become amazingly one note since her return - has she uttered a single sentence that doesn't amount to verb adjective Phil?
The mostly hotly contested woman in Walford manages to find Jack though and after recounting the fact she was a homeless, jobless single mother and Jack took her off the streets (and wasn't even bothered by the fact she has a substance abuse problem) and apparently forgetting the massive amount of tolerance he showed for her sham engagement to Phil - Sharon now immediately equates a reasonable request from Jack for her to not involve herself with an ex to orders. She also seems to have a mild asthma attack during this scene... or that could be her acting... Oh and Jack gives the worst proposal ever before Sharon strides off.
Lola bemoans the apparent cost of the christening - commenting that no one spends this much money without wanting something in return... are you only JUST working that out? Or did you forget the constant suspicion you've had of Phil from the second he gained custody? She and Billy Idiot are standing around gawking as Phil looks for Sharon...
Phil finds Sharon in his house and they have a heart to heart - where the Crayon Crew feel the need to point out the rinse and repeat nature of Eastenders. Leave pointing out the idiocy of Eastenders to the pros, guys. Obviously with a christening to get to - it's time for a heart to heart. Where Phil makes it clear that he wants to hook up with Sharon - they also throw around the word empire a couple more times... are we going to find out that Phil is planning to claim the Iron Throne of the Westeros?! If so, his first move is apparently proposing to Sharon.
Phil finally gets around to going to the christening he arranged, only to find out that Lexi is nowhere to be seen and that's because Lola has discovered that the order of service for the christening names Lexi a Mitchell! Which prompts Lola to abscond with her baby, oh dear. Phil turns up and Lola instantly jumps into shouty tirade, followed by tearful breakdown. Apparently Lexi being a Mitchell is a big deal and prompts Phil to reveal his proposal to Sharon and this is sufficient to make Lola (who has just finished going on about how her name is important) reconsider.
Even Jacknocchio's wooden brain has pieced together the information that Count Moonula has been dropping and he realises that Phil proposed to Sharon and so, he and Count Moonula turn up to the church... only to find that Phil isn't there... it's starting to feel like there should be Benny Hill music playing or possibly some Carry On jokes.
FINALLY, everyone is at the church... took them long enough, interglacial periods have been shorter! So, Sharon goes to see Jacknocchio looking as emotional as a block of wood can (less emotional than an IKEA flat pack, as it turns out) over the grave of his son and they are fully reconciled because his son died or something.
Lola is barely able to contain her anger as Phil completely ignores her when he insists the ceremony start without Sharon... why does she constantly act surprised at this? Then there's more padding with the boring christening ceremony... clearly, they had the church for the day as we have to hear every line, see every step. Yawn.
Lexi isn't going to go through with the naming though - as Sharon isn't there - but then, like an angel with a bad wig, she appears! And Lexi is named a Mitchell... why exactly does that matter? Lola clearly stated earlier than she's Lexi Pearce on the birth certificate!
And then Phil, Sharon and Jack all disappear at the same time so Sharon can accept a proposal! BUT IT'S FROM SOMEONE OFFSCREEN! 2012 was the year of the Phantom Shagger, will 2013 be the year of Phantom Proposer?!
AJ's spiking of the punch is causing Geordie Racer to vomit... uh... she might be feeling wretched (which is unlikely in itself as she can't have had more than a couple of glasses of the stuff) but for her to still be violently ill? Unlikely... and this is when Zainab finds that Geordie Racer's future husband is coming for lunch. Will hilarity ensue? If you see any pigs flying over the frozen wastes of Hell, then there might just be a chance of that.
As it turns out, Geordie Racer knew the punch was alcoholic. WHAT A TWIST! But the future in-laws arrive in but one hour! TIME TO DO A MONTAGE! Not really. There's some debate about arranged marriage but really nothing substantial - apparently there are only two course for Geordie Racer to pursue. Arranged marriage or clubbing. It's not as if you could meet someone through work, a circle of friends, common interests, general real life encounters or online dating. Nope, it has to be clubbing or arranged marriage. No middle ground.
Geordie Racer has disappeared though - a fact so disconcerting it suddenly makes Tamwar sound as if he's talking in a completely different room to everyone else! Cue awkward scene with the future in-law all sitting silently while they try and find Geordie Racer.
As it turns out, Geordie Racer is hiding out in the Square and has a chat with Sharon. Things that last - last for a reason, Sharon says tritely but fortunately, Masood is able to spy her though. Time for a heart to heart in the playground but breaking new ground, it's on the see-saw not the swings! With Geordie Racer being told it's her life.
Then it turns out that her potential husband is an alright guy... hoorah?
Poxy is all bubbly about moving in with Alfie... despite it obviously being a big mistake as he's not even been broken up with Kat for a week and had been in a relationship with her for YEARS. Count Moonula is not best pleased - he mentions the strange mind altering powers of the Vic and the fact her father was murdered there. Nice.
Alfie is making the bed and sees the leopard skin cushion that reminds him of his slapper of a wife, before going through to the living room to take down the large picture of him, Kat and Tommy - cradling it like a child. Yes, Alfie - you are clearly in a great place to start a new relationship! Then there's the excessive canoodling as Poxy moves in, a lot of awkwardness... probably to help pad out this hour long episode and no doubt the next few months...
Kim bustles around to reveal that Shirley is at the B&B. In fact, even the woman with no brain is apparently able to realise that as a B&B, they shouldn't have freeloaders as guests are their livelihood. Just as well this is the wacky world of Walford, where everything is made up and money doesn't matter (except when it does - which is when and only when the plot requires it to) but apparently Shirley might get the job at maybe-not-KFC, according to Denise.
And she's right!