Tanya having been caught by Kirstie decides to go nanners and tell her she's leaving and begins to throw her stuff out the window. After Kirstie declines to say why Max had the key to her room (but mentions kissing him before Derek's funeral), Tanya thinks that having broken into her room, shouted at her and thrown her stuff out of the window that NOW is the time to be reasonable and politely ask the Secret Wife to sign the divorce papers... You certainly know how to butter 'em up, Tanya! Astonishingly, this doesn't work! But don't worry, Kirstie fakes her out by pretending to sign but instead writing "NEVER" in big red letters.
At which point, Max appears and a sudden dread that this episode is going to revolve exclusively around these three characters sets in. Tanya storms off and Kirstie decides that now is a good time to try and seduce Max... but apparently for once in his life, he's not interested in a tumble... that's out of character. He actively rejects her advances and storms out of the B&B, leaving Kirstie to tearfully pick up her clothes. To rub salt in the wound, even Kat offers her some pity... that's a low.
Lauren does the unusual (because telling the truth is the exception, not the rule - ESPECIALLY when it makes sense) and explains that the key was for her because after all of five minutes on the Square, Kirstie had realised that Lauren had a drinking problem and needed a shoulder to cry on. No real explanation as to why Max was covering up for Lauren and so Tanya breaks down sobbing and then it's all happy families. Snore.
Max tells Tanya to stop looking at him as if everything he says is a lie... why? Easy way to tell when Max is lying - his mouth is open and as this episode seems set upon being a black hole of boredom the tedium moves to the kitchen. Yawn. Max makes sure to set a good example for Lauren by pouring himself a healthy measure of Scotch.
Lauren goes to see Kirstie again. She tells Kirstie to go and we have more foreshadowing of Kirstie meeting an end... Apparently having a room in a B&B, Max and a job in the Vic is all Kirstie has to live for... seems like death would be a kindness then. Still, at least Kirstie actually has to work! Unlike everyone else. She's even castigated for turning up late.
Miracle of miracles, we leap out of the sinkhole of entropy and dive into the relative excitement of the Vic. Lest you had forgotten of the Crayon Crew's visceral loathing of council officials, Dot is sitting at the bar talking about how the Staziesque enforcers of Walford council all but beat a confession out of her and if things didn't get sorted out, she'd be off to the gulags.
Despite having already set his sights on Sharon, Phil makes a pass at Kirstie... He certainly is mercurial these days... Then to add insult to injury, Kat offers further moral support. Jeez, Kat - stop kicking her while she's down! At least Kirstie has enough self-respect to say "I'm not you."
Back to the Branning boredom, where the family are sitting down for dinner for the first time in living memory. What could ruin this happy moment? Max's phone ringing in the background and it's from Kirstie! Who is in the Vic, seeing couples being all couply... and then, as if the indignity of having relationship advice from Walford's bicycle wasn't bad enough, she has the physical embodiment of losers, Billy Idiot thrusting a picture of his great-granddaughter in her face. She does what anyone would do, walks out - looking at the house.
Then there's a knock at the door but it's Dot! Looking for Cora but then Kirstie calls and gives Max an ultimatum! Go and see her or she'll come and see him! Uh, why does Max go along with this? Why does he lie to Tanya? Oh, that's right - HE'S AN IDIOT... everyone is an idiot but most especially everyone that writes this is an idiot.
Oh and Kirstie signed the divorce papers. It's hard to say whether that makes this episode (or indeed, entire storyline) more or less pointless but it's really a minor quibble as this is the televisual equivalent of ritalin and could be used to quell the hyperactivity of even the most sugar addled, caffeine fuelled child.
No comments:
Post a Comment