Abi chides her mother for paranoia when she immediately concludes from Max not answering his phone that he's off with Secret Wife - when that is the correct answer. Then she activates her super senses and is able to hear her father's phone and despite the fact it has just about the most generic ringtone in the world, she is able to immediately deduce it's his and then we find Max alone, having a cigarette. Dohohoho. Oh, Eastenders - playing with expectations there, eh? Ha - as if we would ever get off so easily. So, another infidelity plot begins trundling on it's tiresome way... and with Max of all people. Goodness, that's original.
Cora notes that they're going to be late and has a fantastic reaction to Abi telling her that Lauren is having a drama, "Another one?" That's pretty much how everyone should be in Eastenders. In fact, if Cora isn't careful she might be mistaken for something resembling a real person... OK, perhaps that's a bit too much hyperbole...
In what seems to be another instance of padding for the sake of padding (and because they had the cars) we are treated to a very long shot of the hearse and other cars driving VERY slowly and then we get to see from INSIDE of the cars as they drive around VERY slowly. Riveting.
Carol finally receives the letter from Doctor Holby - sorry, Ian Wicks - and realises that Derek wasn't a very nice chap and decides she isn't going to the funeral... and then Jack does a guilt trip thing because obviously, if you don't go to the funeral - THAT'S IT. It's not as if a funeral is a mere formality and really just an arbitrary ceremony and ritual that we go through to try and make ourselves feel better about the often senseless (or in the case of Walford perhaps that should be meaningless and pointless) nature of a cold and uncaring universe. No, if you don't go to the funeral then that's your chance of reconciling differences with the deceased LITERALLY DEAD AND BURIED.
Arfuuuuuuur makes the fatal mistake of trying to have a conversation with Joey. A scene that feels as if it was taken OUT of some edge comedy show for being TOO toe curlingly awkward and somehow found itself in this random episode of Eastenders. It gets so bad that Joey actually jumps out of the car (sadly, it's stationary) and starts running.
Following the long tradition of Walford crimes - Lauren and Lucy have their confrontation immediately outside the police station as police officers casually walk by but just as it looks as if Lauren is going to turn herself in (because Lucy apparently decided she wouldn't turn her in but makes Lauren think it's a good idea). Luckily Joey turns up in the nick of time - he's muttering fairly incoherently but it sounds as if he now thinks his father was great? How? Oh and he loves Lauren... again. People in Eastenders flip flop more than politicians at the beach.
Finally, we're at the funeral... just as well - at the rate it was going, it seemed as if we'd have to a few people dead of old age by the time it started. See, if Eastenders had been really smart - they'd have just coordinated the funeral and christening to happen at the same church at the same time, it would have saved a fortune.
As Joey is having a tearful reunion with Lauren and Carol has found something new to be miserable about, an intoxicated Cora stands up to talk about Derek... which turns into a bit of a rant. A meandering nonsensical one that doesn't do much beyond provide the opportunity for Joey (with Lauren in tow) and Carol to arrive as well as a mysterious high heeled stranger! Oh, it's Secret Wife - why didn't they show her face? Was that really a big reveal?
Joey then does the hardest thing he's ever had to do - try and show emotion. Fortunately, a wall is there to do most of the legwork for him and all credit to that wall, it really does a great job. It would be good to see it get some recognition at the soap awards, seldom has a piece of masonry been asked to shoulder so much responsibility in a British soap.
Ian and Alfie are in the Vic apparently toasting Derek's demise - it's about time someone did that! Alfie is again giving the very fake bravado about how great thing are. To prove this, we cut to him having a little cry during Cora's eulogy. It would drive most people to tears but the fact it can have an influence on Alfie who is mile away and can't even hear it is very impressive.
In a similarly irrelevant storyline, Jay is in the caffffffffff - hard up for cash. Phil is in an uncharacteristically generous mood - we'll see how long that lasts - showing some genuine interest in Jay before finally offering him his job back.
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