Thursday 3 January 2013

Thursday 3rd January 2013

Max and Tanya are back from their honeymoon - both looking suitably miserable but apparently Secret Wife has gone. Cue discussion of Max and Tanya's relationship... Yawn but at least the Secret Wife is gone! After all, the notion of someone just uprooting themselves overnight is ridiculous!

Denise says she's fine - meaning she isn't. This leads to Kim planning a double date which mutates into a triple date due to Zainab. THE HORROR! Which only escalates, as they inform Denise of their plan and Ian looks on, grinning like a loon.

She arrives at the party to find herself between Ian and AJ - something that most would deem both cruel and unusual punishment. Painfully unfunny comedy hijinks ensue with the fact  that this was all just a thinly veiled means to get Denise a man revealed in the most prosaic manner possible. The Crayon Crew make the boldly regressive step of pretty much having everyone (including Denise herself) agree that the lack of a man in her life, makes her a  failure...

Denise pours her heart out to Ray and confesses that it's so impossible for a single woman to be happy that she was considering going to see Lucas. Yes, Lucas the superpowered serial killer that killed her ex-husband, faked her death, kidnapped her and was presumably going to get around to killing her sooner or later... That may just have set women's rights so far back that we're talking about a period before creatures even emerged from the oceans to walk on the land... Oh and the icing on the cake is that she and Ray end up sharing a kiss.

A quick fake out with Sharon as it looks as if Phil is talking to her but it turns out that she's with Jack and Phil is talking to Lexi. Wanting to start married life together on the right foot, Sharon wants to keep their engagement a secret and hasn't told Jack about Phil's proposal... Just the kind of thing the kind of honesty and integrity that would finally convince you that a 40+ emotional wreck of a single mother with a substance abuse problem and an old flame who is Walford's crime boss supreme and has JUST stated his intention to win her back is the woman for you, no?

Surprisingly, Jacknocchio isn't even slightly upset about Sharon's lie of omission. In a world where people fly into murderous rages at the drop of a hat - Jack amongst them - he's just acting far too unfazed by this. So unfazed that off he goes to get her a ring.

Sharon goes to give the increasingly maternal Phil (it's almost a surprise he isn't trying to nurse Lexi) to hand the ring back and reject his proposal. She mentions their history together... yes, you've got history with Phil - MOST OF IT BAD. Alarmingly though, Phil while clearly not best pleased by this turn of events - says he's neither going to start a fight with her nor will he go and beat up Jack... This is starting to feel downright spooky!

Half-Day Alice and  Joey have a chat... Kat sums up pretty much anyone's reaction to the mere prospect of this by opening the door on them and then immediately leaving... and why exactly is she still staying at Derek's house? A question so pertinent, even the human glass of water feels compelled to ask her - and apparently it's because Derek wouldn't want her on the streets.

Lauren discovers the return of Joey and stops by to pine like a lovesick puppy for her cousin. Fortunately, this leads to Joey saying something that makes Half-Day Alice strop off. Although, this somehow leads to her and Kat talking about the death of Derek... more tedium and as if the discussion of human mortality and the inevitability of death's embrace hasn't made you glad you've taken to locking away all sharp objects before watching Eastenders, Misery Guts Carol turns up.

Having received a less than warm reception from Joey earlier, Lauren has remembered her alcohol problem again and is hence in the Vic, drowning her sorrows and then Joey arrives and pretty much the exact same conversation they've had a dozen times since the car crash occurs where Lauren accuses Joey of not loving her... but this is fortunately cut short by the revelation that... THE SECRET WIFE IS HERE! And Max and Tanya are going to the pub! ONOES!

Plot contrivance means that Max gets to see Secret Wife outside, where he can grunt at her in his guttural tongue before entering the Vic and suggesting they leave and when Secret Wife appears behind the bar, Tanya immediately jumps to the conclusion that she and Max have somehow been colluding or some such... thank goodness for that! With Phil and Jack not immediately going nanners things in the Square were just starting to get TOO reasonable! Anyway, Tanya storms off followed by Max.

And to further prove that this is the Walford we've all come to know - Phil shows up at the Vic and tells Jack (with Sharon RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM) that all he's won is the humiliation when Sharon comes back to him... Oh and next week - Phil grows a moustache to twirl, while he ties Sharon to some train tracks. Not really - that would be far more plausible than this storyline.

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