Thursday 10th January 2013

Tanya is going on about Secret Wife, tell Max that she wants the Secret Wife DEAD, she wants her family DEAD... oh, wait. No, she just wants her gone - that worked so well before, didn't it Tanya. Max goes to tell Secret Wife he wants a divorce and what better way to discuss that than over dinner!

Later in the cafffffff, Tanya is having a discussion with the severely asthmatic Sharon (if Eastenders is all about issues, shouldn't she have an inhaler?) but who should walk in? KIRSTIE! Who announces that she's coming round for dinner. Tanya tries to rope Sharon in but apparently she's working... there's a first time for everything... and so Tanya decides the best thing is to have THE ENTIRE FAMILY. Just what Eastenders needed, MORE OF THE BRANNINGS!

Tanya is hysterical about the dinner - to the point Lauren and Joey walk in and would probably have walked straight back out if Tanya hadn't ordered them to stay and who could blame them... apparently Tanya's plan is to show Secret Wife what a big happy family she's up against... you're going to need all the luck you can get for that, Tanya.

The inevitably awkward dinner scene ensues with little of anything happening... except that Abi brought the mysterious new black guy who has become her best friend - much to Jay's predictable chagrin, in fact it's that chagrin which meant Abi took Dexter rather than Jay - and so when Jay returns from a day of community service, he's sufficiently enraged to take a pop at Dexter. Goodness.

In yet another example of how people in Walford are prone to forget the existence of  modern telecommunication equipment, the long lost Ava returns to join the menagerie - where there is a strangely self-aware moment that shows the recognition of just how preposterous the convoluted relationships are - before we find out that Dexter is Ava's son...  something that might have been slightly surprising if it wasn't for the fact he'd been shown with pictures of Abi and Lauren... although  how he got those... nobody knows!

Kat spends a few minutes trying to get into the Vic but can't bring herself to go in. Even Poxy's primitive brain is able to tell that Alife pines for his half-baked, half-basted sexually insatiable wife though. Goodness, Poxy - it's almost as if all the indications that this rebound relationship which even YOU ADVISED AGAINST was a monstrously bad idea, eh?

Jacknocchio with Sharon on his arm looks smug at Phil. Who decides to take his bad mood out on Alfie by demanding rent when it isn't due but as he's off being Saint Alfie, Poxy tells him to go and whistle for it... probably a bad idea, a walk across the Square winds him - a good whistle could kill him. Unfortunately as Bianca is bustlin' around, she mentions that Alfie went to see Kat... even Poxy isn't falling for that.

Kat and Alfie talk and despite having been infused with righteous anger the other day, it really seems that Alfie is pretty much back to where he was before. Not only is Alfie happy to smooth over everything with Poxy AND Bianca for her job at the Vic, she's welcome there any time and despite the fact she has had a long running affair with someone things are now OK between them. That was fast!

Alfie gets rumbled by Poxy - that's got to be a real low for anyone... and GO FIGHT! Alfie looks rather ashamed of himself. He's also started exhibiting signs of multiple personalities. There's Saint Alfie and Angry Alfie. Saint Alfie is kind and patient, capable of forgiving the most unforgivable behaviour - Angry Alfie snaps at the slightest delay, is rash and loud and communicates almost exclusively via shouts.

Poxy takes relationship advice from Jack... wow. She's either very brave or very stupid...  ha. Not really, just very stupid but Jack hanging around DA CAFFFFFFF means he has another run in with Phil! Phil actually tries to do the wooden top a good turn by pointing out Sharon just left a husband at the altar and the guy before that was murdered. He seems genuinely surprised that Jack knows he proposed... although, Jack omits to mention that this is only because Count Moonula saw her galumphing conspicuously around the Square with an engagement ring.

Alfie tries to make it up to Poxy by giving her flowers and then Kat comes in. Things move from uneasy to confrontational in about the time it takes to pour a G&T, Kat and Poxy quickly at each others throats, with Kat accusing Poxy of stealing her man, her job, her pub! Perhaps she should have thought about that before philandering? To everyone's surprise - but most especially Kat's - Saint Alfie of Walford sides with Poxy... but sadly misses a prime opportunity to tell her to GER OURRA MY PUB!

Geordie Racer and Denise chat at the breakfast table, although the topic of infidelity seems an ill advised one... seems like Geordie Racer is going to fit in just fine! She escapes to work and is apparently now going to throw herself into her career by applying to be a regional manager! But oh no! Zainab is going for that job too! Denise then pulls a "poor me", as apparently her children have abandoned her and the only thing she has to aspire to in life is the regional manager position in Minute Mart. REACH FOR THE STARS!

Geordie Racer comes to ask Denise about loving someone you can't have - foreshadowing! Then Zainab tells her, don't talk to Geordie Racer, that she's applying for the regional manager position (as she's the ONLY possible competition) and also, get out of her house. Ian - who has been walking in to brag about his prowess at selling fruit 'n' veg all day - makes an ill advised joke about a tough day at the office, causing Denise to break down... at least this imminent romance will make more sense than the Ian & Mandy one.

At least this time there is some kind of explanation of why Ian is a radically different person... granted it's a bottomlessly stupid one that only the Crayon Crew would try and play straight but what else is new... so, it's at least somewhat credible that Ian and his shiny new personality post-Trampoid recovery would feel some sympathy for Denise and would offer her a place to stay.

Oh and having earlier shunned Count Moonula's plans for Walford domination/distribution of Derek's dodgy  notes - Phil is now apparently on-board with an even BETTER plan. Possibly involving him tying Sharon to a railway.