Tuesday 8 January 2013

Tuesday 8th January 2013

Everyone's favourite block of wood is still wishing he was a real boy as he stops his car with the BIGGEST earn of ash you've ever seen... it seems a bit low to be making fun of Derek's weight posthumously... but Jacknocchio is sitting there, emoting like teak or possibly mahogany while some nice classical music plays - presumably because if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have a clue that this is a poignant moment.

Jack drops off the mega-urn at Tanya's, muses briefly on how little time we are given on this Earth and then instructs everyone that it's time to move on! Good talk, Jack. Good talk. Then he's off to see Sharon at the club and takes the step of getting Bianca - who is actually doing her job - to leave, so he can talk to his wife-to-be... because you couldn't go into the office or talk later. Nope - it has to be RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

Jack is taking his own advice, it seems as they're announcing the engagement - TONIGHT! Sharon IMMEDIATELY worries about Phil (somewhat surprisingly, she's able to remember her son AND put him before Phil though!) to whit Jack replies "what about him?" That's certainly the most realistic reaction Eastenders has had for a while.

Before the engagement announcement, he goes home where Sharon says that having it at the club is "rubbing Phil's nose in it"... come on,  Sharon - Jack had two choices of venue and Phil owns 'em both! Jacknocchio immediately deduces that Sharon  hasn't told Don Mitchelloni about the engagement and has a little hissy fit - always a good way to start off life together, acting  like a spoilt child. Although, Sharon has had the monopoly on that so far... and asthma attacks.

Denise is rudely awakened by Zainab... because apparently them falling out (seriously, it was ONE drunken kiss!) means Denise is now homeless. Something that seems particularly stupid as it's PATRICK'S house... something that Patrick even has to point out to the brainless wonder mere moments later... but then trying to understand how exactly the B&B functions is punishment of a both cruel and unusual nature.

Raymondo clearly isn't too happy at the schism he has caused between Kim and Denise. Not surprising as this feud immediately escalates to Kim locking Denise out the house (something Denise  immediately points out is idiotic given that she's in a B&B), then goes upstairs to throw a convenient bucket of water... this is how five year olds behave!

Time for a confrontation between Raymondo and Denise! Ray says things between him and Kim haven't been right for quite some time - the fact the relationship happened shows you're a deeply troubled individual, Ray... and perhaps it's that knowledge which causes Denise to say she'll take the bullet, despite the fact Ray seems willing to set the record straight (as it was he who made the first move).

Denise turns up to apologise to Kim but the brainless one is aching for a fight. Kim pronounces that Ray is the best thing that ever happened to her and that Denise is just jealous and Denise is outta there! How has she held off murdering him?

Saint Alfie has managed to lose the industrial quantities of vitriol he had toward Kat, as he sees her struggling to pay in the Minute Mart (here's a clue, Kat - if you're hard up, DON'T SHOP THERE!) and offers to give her child support but accepting the money would be far too sensible!

Poxy spots this display and confronts Alfie about the clear concern he's showing for Kat. One wonders why Alfie just decided to give his son to her, when apparently the break-up also resulted in her being fired - meaning she's a single mother with no income... Best not to search for rhyme or reason though. Poxy then discovers that Sharon gave Kat a job and looks bewildered... that's pretty much her natural state though. Poxy then somehow manages to orchestrate a very complicated (for her) plan, that involves Kat cleaning at the Vic... which cheers up Saint Alfie no end. Count Moonula even points out how pathetic this is - ouch.

Cluck, cluck, cluck! It's mother hen Phil! Micromanaging Lola's time with Lexi. Lola is back a whole twenty minutes late and cluck, cluck, cluck goes Phil. Unfortunately for Sharon, her refereeing of this bout means she doesn't tell him about the engagement! Oh no! Also, Sharon and Lola are BFFs now.

Tanya and Kirstie (Secret Wife) have a run in at the caffffffffffff, which ends with Tanya arranging for them to meet in five minutes (actually, it's thirty minutes but it could be ten seconds and it could be a trillion epochs for all the difference it makes)... then in five minutes time (see how important it was to establish that!) we get the ol' "here is money - take it and go", approach... inexplicably interrupted by Pointless Poppy. Is this some kind of mental conditioning to get people to walk more? Why use a phone when you could walk to see that person instead?!

Kirstie takes the money and leaves... Wow, that was over quickly! Phew... looks like we dodged a bullet there! Then later we see her getting in a taxi... which Tanya sees. Just as well taxis are only capable of going in one direction, thus ensuring the Secret Wife is gone FOREVER! Oh, wait - she turns up at the club... what a shocker. It would have been more shocking if she'd actually left and we weren't faced with the wretched prospect of another Max infidelity storyline that will be drawn out for months.

Count Moonula was in his counting house, counting all his counterfeit money and shows it to Jack... who as a  former police officer is able to detect counterfeit notes from a hundred paces with any of his five senses... it's one of the perks of the job and why there's no need for officers specifically tasked to dealing with counterfeit currency, obviously.

In a very strange scene, he and Phil end up next to each other in... a building with their babies and they talk babies. Which leads to Count Moonula proposing they join forces but Phil seems about enthused at the prospects as the Daleks did about joining the Cybermen.

So! Time for the big engagement party! The club is heavin'! It's no Monday but it's still pretty busy. Tanya is not best pleased at Secret Wife's lack of disappearance... she must be pretty stupid if she thinks a hundred pounds is going to send someone packing... but she feels the need to tell Kirstie that Max and then Kirstie goes on to explain Max's likes (and flaws) and then asks a question many people have asked over the years - why do they want him? We may never know.

For reasons of dramatic convenience, Lola and Phil are both at the club when Jack makes the announcement of his impending nuptials to Sharon - it's so romantic when you say the reason you're marrying someone is because your brother just died... Anyway, Lola looks shocked - because Phil's porky pies about getting married to Sharon have been exposed and Phil and Sharon share a meaningful look to DOOFS!

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