What has the show been lacking lately? BRANNINGS! Tanya is ordered by her mother to go to her hospital appointment. Despite seeming fine mere minutes earlier, she's apparently hungover when Lauren remarks on her hypocrisy over coffee. Apparently this is justification for her to help Arfuuuuuuuuuuur out by having a party at her house.
Why Arfuuuuuuuuur is having this party, why it's in the middle of the week, why it couldn't be postponed... all the salient details are (because let's not forget Eastenders two watch words are "gritty" and "realism") never mentioned. Surprise, surprise - as soon as Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur rolls up, he has approximately a hundred youfffffffffffs in tow and despite Lauren and Joey being there with Abi tutting, at no point do they try and stop people entering. Yet they seem surprised when about two minutes later, things start getting out of hand.
Max tells his bruv that he's going to win Tanya back - by the end of the day! That's ambitious even for the silver tongue of the Scotch Egg! He finds out she's off to the hospital to get her cancer flu check up... lucky for him, he's not there because Cora and Tanya are in the hospital boring up a storm. About the only thing of importance said is Cora pointing out Max isn't much of a catch. Oh and Tanya doesn't have cancer.
Now... after you've had a long day in a hospital and out shopping, what do you like to do? Go home, put your feet up? Have a nice relaxing bath or shower? Just sit down in front of the TV and take a load off, probably. Especially as you get older, a whole day on your feet can really make you want nothing more than a nice cup of tea and your own home - NOT FOR TANYA AND CORA THOUGH!
To prove the gritty realism of Eastenders, the coffin dodging Cora and past her prime Tanya hit the R&R! Because when you think of somewhere to just hangout for a quiet drink, you think nightclub, right? What a joke... in fact, the entire scene is entirely pointless. They'd already established Tanya was cancer free - pointless padding!
With that out of the way, we get to the inevitable arrival of Tanya to the chaotic party. Apparently the best way to deal with a wild party is to start handing out your ex-husband's clothes to people. This inexplicably leads to people leaving the house in an orderly manner, each accepting a gift of clothing from Tanya... and as Max is in the Vic, where do the ejected party goers end up? THE VIC! Where everyone that Max asks gives the stuff back without so much as a cross word - drunks are well known for their sense of fair play and impeccable manners after all, it's not as if we saw them projectile vomiting in the Branning house mere minutes ago... and Tanya decides that having given away all of Max's clothes, now is the time to start the family anew... or something. Yawn.
Zainab is getting ready for the ultra important job interview to become regional manager and what better way to prepare for that, than to lash out at AJ? Then it's off for some petty sniping at Denise - she's firing on all cylinders but then they're all hugs and "may the best person win!", until it turns out they changed the time of the interview. At the last minute... and called the SHOP and Zainab hadn't told Denise. If only there had been the invention of some wireless means of two-way communication that was now ubiquitous, that could facilitate a direct conversation between the two parties? That's just crazy talk though.
Zainab receives her comeuppance though as her chances are apparently ruined by the interviewer thinking she was in an injury that caused short term memory loss - courtesy of AJ. Instead of simply explaining that this isn't true, Zainab rolls with it... no hilarity ensues. Masood just about has to break up the squabbling AJ and Zainab who both act as little more than petulant children.
Dexter is working at the Arches and his mother castigates him... for some reason. WALFORD ISN'T THEIR HOME! Uh, OK... so... why did you take a job in Walford then? Although, Dexter's argument about jobs not being readily available just shows he knows nothing about Walfordian economics.
Lola barges in to show Phil he can't have it all his own way but unfortunately, she's forgotten that ZE SOCIAL is based not in reality but the bizarre hateful imaginations of the Crayon Crew and so, there are only two options. Lexi goes with Phil or Lexi goes into foster care. YAY! REALISM! That's exactly how it works because that's all social workers want to do - destroy families and steal children from their mothers... said no one ever. Except the Crayon Crew.
Lola bemoans Phil's evil machinations and as if the indignity of suffering that wasn't enough for her, she has the the tired and weathered face of Billy Idiot invading her personal space, preaching to her that it's all for the best. The situation seems that much more ridiculous as there are only two POSSIBLE solution posited.
Lola goes off to do some thinking outside the Arches and does what all people do when they reach a conclusion in Eastenders. Walk off without saying a word. Although, later she goes around to Phil to say that it's OK for him to go on holiday... Meaning this entire sequence of events has achieved nothing.
Speaking of things that achieve nothing - and as there has been such a dearth of Brannings onscreen - there is also a bit where Sharon's Kinderegg abomination of a son apparently hit Morgan at school. Which is entirely down to the fact Jacknocchio gave him one boxing lesson... which actually consisted of throwing one punch. So, how does Sharon react to the home truths that she's swaddled her freakish child in cotton wool and has been so busy with Lexi that she's been ignoring her own child? SHE'S MOVING OUT AGAIN!
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